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Messages - MaggieMayCat

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Posted this over on OOTF but thought it might be helpful over here at OOTS...

Found this out there in the ether - kind of like someone smacked me up side the head - a Homer kind of moment - DOH!

Found this nugget here - along with some other really good stuff:

"Apologizing for our existence:

Its a sad state of affairs that a child would feel the need to assert their right to be here or have a childhood drive to PROVE that we’re worth loving, but that’s the reality of a narcissistic family dynamic. The things narcissists say out of rage for their children, in the presence of no witnesses, is beyond appalling. I recall having thoughts in grade school about being so thankful that abortion wasn’t legal in the 60s. It’s not that 5th graders really care about such lofty matters, it's just that the person I depended on and loved most, my mother, let me know repeatedly that I was very lucky abortion wasn’t legal, because I wouldn’t have been alive.  Recalling this reality in hindsight, allows me to feel the remorse and empathy for myself that I deserved. What my inner child went through was unfathomable.

What these messages, whether overt as in my above account, or insidious and covert, the message is the same:  WE MAY EXIST, BUT WE OUGHT TO FEEL LUCKY WE DO.

When you constantly feel you’re being treated as an inconvenience or interruption to the perfectly supply driven life of a narcissist, you learn that the best way to live in that regime is to step aside and let the narcissist have the limelight.
No, a home is NOT a stage in a play or melodrama for normal people, but in a narcissistic family, the main seat at the table, the one who “earns” our keep, the top dog in our lives….is the narcissist and WE ALL KNOW IT. We’re all there to fill our part in their play. We will behave how ever the narcissist has decided our role will be and we will NOT deviate from that, unless we want to incur the narcissist’s rage.

Let’s stop down for a moment and pay a brief word to “the narcissist’s rage”. Many people who don’t live within the narc home, don’t have a clue that the narcissist has a two faced personality. They see the “kind” “giving” blah blah image the narcissist presents to strangers and can never fathom that the same narcissist would be a terroristic tyrant at home.
Narcissistic rage isn’t always the typical big, loud mouth event. It's more cruel than that. Narcissistic rage is more subdued and insidious. They’d much rather punish people by WITHHOLDING AND REFUSING TO GIVE what they know those people need from them. A narc parent will be subtly aggressive (raging) by showing the child they can disconnect emotionally from the child as if the child doesn’t exist. They’ll not show up, be on time or give full attention to the things that are important to the child. They’ll disappear emotionally until the child begs for attention through acting out or acting up.

When children who have learned to feel that they don’t want to rock the boat by “existing” grow up, they will not question or stand up to behaviors that cause us to feel unimportant or invalidated by others. Cheating will be tolerated, invalidation will be turned a blind eye to, a narcissist’s double standard for treatment won’t be questioned.


Since narcissists don’t possess empathy, how do we ever get to relax as children and FEEL that someone else really cares about the things that we do at times. When we’ve lost a pet, or been teased at school, if our parent is incapable of really feeling what we feel in response to these events, we are going to feel really disconnected from intimacy. When we are excited about that boy or girl that we’ve been crushing on, returns our affections – its going to hurt when we can’t get our parent off social media or to stop taking pictures of themselves long enough to listen to us fully.

It hurts to have feelings about our parent's behavior that we know we can’t ever be heard on. That we know deep down, this person, our parent, doesn’t care enough about us to really hear us is so isolating and disconnecting. We start to realize on a deep level that, we will ONLY have the narcissist's full attention or care when it is convenient for them.
Lack of empathy strikes at the very feeling of being loved and cared about that it’s impossible to feel the love of your parent if they are empathy impaired. The narcissist would argue that “they really care” about the people around them, but those people know that the narcissist only “cares” when it behooves them and that, that is not a genuine love for them in the least.

The key to re-parenting ourselves in this area is to recognize the disorder for what it is and not internalize this inability to care/ love on the narcissist’s part as being a defect of our own that makes us “unlovable”.

Trouble with Developing our True Identity:

Much like the narcissist, targets who grew up in a narcissistic regime, don’t get a chance to fully explore who we truly are, until we are no longer under the influence of the narcissist’s boundary busting methods of “telling us who we are”. What the narcissist tells us we are, is skewed anyway. We know that through projection, the narcissist casts off the traits hated in themselves onto those closest to them, so when we’re told we’re SELFISH, it’s nothing more than the narcissist accusing us, of what they are guilty of themselves.

But you can see, as a child, with such impressionable identities, being told again and again that you are something you’re not, is going to make you believe it – whether it’s true or not.

As a young child, I was told repeatedly by my narcissistic mother that I was “selfish”. In fact, I was told I was selfish so frequently that I sometimes wondered if my name wasn’t really “selfish little *”. What this did to me, was gave me the message that selfish was bad, and I should never be “that kind of bad”. I went on to consider my own selfishness in every interaction with everyone I had; and still do. I don’t want to hurt others. I empathize with how hurtful it is to be selfishly shut out by someone’s blindingly grand ego.

I didn’t learn the important lesson that there is a certain level of “selfishness” that doesn’t hurt anyone, that is a normal part of self care and isn’t bad at all, I felt that it was my “duty” to never be selfish to others. The result? I couldn’t say no to others and never questioned what that did to myself.  In fact, I barely thought of myself at all and was continually frustrated that I gave unselfishly but rarely received that from others. I learned that it was not MY JOB to take care of myself but that through unselfish service to others, someday I’d be loved.

If you are not allowed to be who you really are I think this is the pivotal identity issue that either creates a personality disordered identity vs. a strong, resilient surviving type of personality that rises through the ashes and thrives to survive despite all the abuse.

In my own case, I sought outside relationships with neighbors, teachers and clergy who allowed me to be my true identity. My strength of character pushed me to broaden my “frame of reference circle” or my “feedback loop” to encompass those who also lived in reality. My ability to tell the truth despite the terrible consequences of being shamed and shunned by a narcissist who didn’t want to hear the truth, caused me to be the scapegoat in my family – my ability to call a spade a spade, allowed my true identity and authenticity to survive.

It's my thought that this resiliency trait that exists in me.  It exists in all survivors who have found their way here to the page, telling our truths about this abuse, willing to be honest, and accept responsibility for the things about ourselves that played into this abuse and allow us to make changes that prevent this from ever happening to us again as well as our willingness to be there for others who are hurting the hurts we’ve hurt and seek the same peaceful living that we seek.

As you can see in retrospect, the lessons we learned growing up in a narcissistic family are lessons that we need to unlearn now that we’re adults so that we don’t continue to choose partners who will repeat the abuse of our childhood. We also have a responsibility to protect our children from these patterns and do everything within our power to model HEALTHY parenting roles, boundaries, needs, unconditional love empathy and acceptance of who are children really are."

There are a couple of paragraphs that really hit home - the empathy or lack there of, how we never really get to relax and be children - that one really hit home; inability to say no or set boundaries - big issue that involved a lot of pain attempting to unlearn this behavior.

This resurfaced some difficult childhood memories - having your pet given away by your parents and not telling you; having a pet die and being left to grieve alone or be told to basically get over it; never being allowed to say no or set boundaries which allowed all kinds of predators into my world - because I didn't know how to protect myself from them...

Thanks ya'll.  The validation means so very much.  DH will buffer if need be. 

I'm not real sure but she may be suffering from the beginnings of dementia or some other type of brain disease.  She's diabetic too - really freaks me out when she does her injections right there at the table in front of everyone - so there are some aberrant/inappropriate  behaviors present already... so I don't want to put the hammer down so to speak and plan to take the high road dealing with her. 

I'm sure our friends know what the deal is - they have to deal with her too.  I've got to learn to deal with this kind of crap and learn to stand up for myself regardless of her behavior.  My plan is to be civil and polite - but take no crap.  :disappear: Take the high road unless forced to be confrontational - then I'll just walk away - she's not worth it. 

I feel sad for her that she's so lonely, but know that most of that loneliness is of her own making and there is nothing I can do to fix or appease it.  One day she'll come across those photos in her house.  Not my problem any more.

Kizzie - doing better now but have to see this woman on Friday so we'll see how it goes.  I'll probably avoid her for a while - just don't need the stress of dealing with people like this in my life.  Unfortunately, I don't do well with people like this at all - mostly because of FOO issues.  DH will be with me and that always helps. 

Friends / Think some progress was made but still having anger triggers
« on: March 28, 2015, 04:55:53 PM »
Have been dealing with an older woman who's life is pretty much just lonely and she's pretty angry in general... when ever the group is together she tries to monopolize individuals with her stories and political views - such as - any woman who has a child out of wedlock and is on assistance should be forced to do this, that, or the other, they should have no rights.... or something about this person died, that person died of a horrible disease or how she punched some dude in the nads a long time ago.  Same stories repeated over and over... anyway, she brought me some old photos to scan and adjust for her in Photoshop. 

I scanned and attempted to fix the photos, but the originals were very fuzzy and some of them were nothing more than xerox copies...  I brought the originals back to her and told her there was really not much I could do with them some time ago (last year).  Over the past two weeks she has been hounding me to get the originals back.  Since I'd already given them back to her, I told her she had them and had taken them home.  In front of our friends at a large gathering she told me I had not given them back numerous times.  Came real close to creating a scene in front of the whole group.  I figured she just set them down somewhere in her house and can't find them.  So, I take the scans that I had, printed out a whole new and improved set and gave them to her (all free of charge).  I asked her again if she had found them and of course she said I had not given them to her, that I had sent them to someone else and that I should contact that person to get them back... don't know where that came from because they were not sent anywhere.

During the verbal exchange I told her in private that I didn't appreciate being told that I was lying and doing it in front of mutual friends was not appropriate nor fair.  Told her that if she had a beef with me it should have been addressed privately.  I started feeling my frustration and anger build.  Took several deep breaths and then told her that I didn't need to talk to her right now that I was getting angry and didn't want to continue the conversation.  She would not leave me alone and followed me around wanting to talk about it more - I walked away from her several times during the evenings event. 

Now I'm wondering if my anger/frustration was justified or if I should have just let it go because it was a trigger reaction that is mine to own.   I grew up facing this same dynamic within the FOO as the SG.  It is so hard to stand up for myself and this was one of the few times I did.   When I dealt with her I was respectful but firm, told her quietly that I did not deserve to be treated that way and wouldn't accept being called on the carpet in front of a group of friends by her or anyone else.  Now I feel guilty for standing up for myself and for letting her trigger me.  On the plus side, at least I realized it was a trigger and was able to stop myself before it escalated... this crap is tough to deal with. 


What a really awesome website... This cartoon is about surviving DV... but there are lots of others - everything from Ghandi to Theodore Roosevelt - all inspirational.

Wow - sadist/masochist - that's it!  Logically, I know there is no way to get through to either one of them.   I absolutely have to change how I react... now to sort out the puzzle that causes my brain to go into overdrive when triggered.

DH and I talked at length last night and his thoughts were that the best thing for me would be to just ignore uNPDBro because he usually shows his a$$ and everyone knows he's the problem... deal with EnM on a LC basis.  He told me that the stress of going NC with EnM would increase my stress levels to pretty much unmanageable levels because I'm not quite ready to go there yet.  I did give him the go ahead to take uNPDBro out at his discretion - he assured me that he would take care of me and handle the situation when/if it occurs.  uNPDBro has been pretty subdued since the big blow up with enM - now he just sits there and rolls his eyes, smirks, chuckles to himself - like its all a big joke.  Eventually, he is going to step back up to his usual narc behavior... so now it s just a waiting game. 

Biggest trigger yesterday was having our taxes done... but I think it may have been something I had to go through to get rid of the trigger - DH was absolutely wonderful... told me that no matter the outcome, we would be fine - if we forgot something it wouldn't be a problem, we'd find what ever it was and get it fixed, no muss, no fuss... So, I survived it and in the end the news was all good - we had everything, the CPA thanked us for being organized, and we were done in less than an hour.   So, one small battle won.  This was a step in the right direction to heal from the abusive legacy of the uBPDExH's financial and verbal abuse.


Kizzie - thanks so very much for the reply.  Have had a rough couple of days - just found out they will be in my area for a week relatively soon - I wish they just wouldn't tell me - wish they would just leave me the * alone. 

I know I can physically make it through the visit - but mentally, I'm not so sure any more.  It just makes me physically ill to the point where I have to rely on the anxiety and depression meds a lot more than I want.  I try very hard to only take the minimum or not take them at all if I can and running back to them feels kind of like failure.  The anticipation of these visits is horrible and makes the C-PTSD/PTSD really take center stage. 

Compartmentalization doesn't seem to work well, staying busy helps some, but there's only so much gardening, painting, or house work that can be done.  Most of my days are spent alone - by choice - social anxiety is a big trigger for me and I usually do better in social situations when DH is with me.  He's a dear soul who loves me to distraction - don't know where I'd be without him... and he needs his alone time too because he works very hard and we all need down time. 

There are times when I'd like to just cut my brother to shreds - he has tortured me for so many years that just being in the room with him - or for that matter, the same town makes me start physically shaking.   He is the carbon copy of Dad - arrogant, entitled, know it all, who is really a hurt little kid inside with adult weapons at his disposal that he never hesitates to use if anyone dares to cross him. 

I do pretty good with talking myself down but there are days when that is not even a possibility.   There is no support from within the FOO - cousins  scattered as soon they could get away from their dysfunctional families (courtesy of paternal grandmother)... All of us have had problems associated with abuse.  The only one who has "survived" is my uNPDBro who just seems to enjoyed his entitled, golden child position.  He uses his position to further abuse and dominate every family visit or event.  EnM just dotes on him, pampers him, rescues him... then tells me to just get along, go with the flow, don't upset him.   So, I've lost my mom and only sibling... kind of a living death - that's what makes it so very hard... knowing they are there, but care so little about their only daughter/sister.

I want to lash out, take him down a couple of pegs, shut him up, scream at him, tell him to leave me alone, tell him he no longer has a place in my life and I never want to hear from him again - ever.   When he starts his spiel about how wonderful he is - remind him about coming after me with a baseball bat because he couldn't find something in his room and EnM covering up the evidence so he wouldn't get in trouble, shooting me in the face with a toy arrow (still have the scar) - didn't even get a stern talking too (oh well, Boys will be boys), see if he wants to talk about when he didn't make the baseball team and cried for two days, when he blew a full ride scholarship and dropped out of the military academy after one year, about EnM paying his estate taxes when he blew through a 6 figure inheritance... all those things he doesn't want talked about... and see how he likes it... but that would be cruel and I just can't do cruel - it causes me great pain to be cruel to others... because I know how it feels when people are cruel to others.  Unfortunately, he has no such compulsion - it's OK to be cruel or dismissive, to hurt others (intentionally or otherwise) for no other reason than to make himself look/feel better about himself.   So there he sits, all puffed up like some glorified toad... lording it over the rest without a clue that the rest of us really know the "emperor" isn't wearing any clothes.     :blowup:  Rant over.

DH and I go to the CPA to have our taxes done today and I think that may be part of today's issues - terrified that I will forget some random piece of paper or some small detail.  This is a trigger from 1st marriage - being annihilated for each and every little mistake by uBPDExH.  DH would never do anything like that - he's a pretty happy go luck fellow.  Also read a post on OOTF that really hit me right in the gut - someone was using an example of something they would never say to a sibling about losing a pregnancy.  Reporting it crossed my mind, but that wouldn't help me or the other person who is in a lot of pain too.  It was a knee jerk reaction... sometimes its very hard not to to give into those knee jerk reactions. 

I have essentially gone NC with him - will not talk to him, don't want to talk about him with EnM, don't want to see him... But - there's always the "but" - Enabling Mom has to have her family "image" fix - where everyone gets together for a meal - most everyone is uncomfortable, on edge, stilted.  This next visit I am not going to participate - I will visit with her alone but not with uNPDBro anywhere around.  If it makes her sad, so be it.  Perhaps if she had protected me from him when we were children, or not raised him as the golden child it would be different.  I am going to take care of me and mine and let EnM and uNPDBro take care of themselves.  Just hope I can stand strong and not give in... DH may have to come to the rescue on this one.

Dear Be,

It's OK to stop running around, trying to prove to yourself and others that you are good enough, smart enough and whatever other "enough"s you've decided are worthy to be attached to your persona. Please just feel crappy and accept it as much as you can. The mountain doesn't have to be attacked today. If you want or need to rest, be all means, DO IT!

Take off the imaginary white Dr.'s coat and put down that stinking clipboard you mentally carry. Stop measuring, inventorying, listing, compiling massive amounts of anxiety over not doing ENOUGH! Do take time to slow down, way, way down so you can see the day's tasks and leave plenty of room between them.

Stop being obligated, stop promising "one more thing", stop saying yes when your heart says NO. Take time to connect with everyone you meet, share a thought, a smile, and appreciate how others reach out too. Stop seeing yourself as separate, damaged, ill, disabled, "less than". There are plenty of people who have endured greater trials. Find them and learn from them.

Consider life as a non-renewable resource. Time is not endless. This is a day in which you spend your time wisely. Look in the mirror and find things you like, even love. You've made it this far by "doing" things one way, but now's the time to ease up, learn new things. Recognize that more people than not have dysfunction, so we're in this together. 

Listen closely to your feelings.  Take them seriously.


This one's going in the journal too!

Emotional Abuse / Re: Emotional abuse and neglect (TRIGGERS, maybe)
« on: March 23, 2015, 08:22:13 PM »

Thank you so much for putting this here - it is going in my journal.  :thumbup:

Family of Origin (FOO) / FOO emotional and verbal abuse - and C-PTSD
« on: March 23, 2015, 07:28:10 PM »
uNPD/BPD brother is a carbon copy of uNPD/BPD father.  Throw and enabling mother in the mix and there you go.  It does not matter what he does, what he says, who he hurts - it's always all about him and enM supports him completely.  Since he was born he has been the GC of the family - which really sucked for him in the long run because he really doesn't have the wherewithal to stand on his own - although to hear him tell it - he's da bomb and is the smartest guy ever... he has a Ph.D. (in education) and has adopted the pervasive mind set of many professorial types who have spent their lives in academia - elitist and snobbish about their so called "status."  He uses this as the basis for all his views, opinions, and agendas.  Treats others (no matter the background) like the dirt beneath his shoes.   If anyone disagrees with him they better have Kevlar on because it will get nasty quick.

The big blow up was over the preparations for our Mother's 80th birthday event last year... no one seemed to think it was important that I was included in any of the prep/planning discussions and from what I can find out, I was the last to be told - after all the cousins, outlaws, inlaws.  So, my wonderful DH and I crafted an email that basically called them on it - specifically the uNPDBro who was in charge of setting everything up... this is what we sent:

"I'm very glad ya'll are doing the event for Mom's 80th birthday.  I think she will enjoy it.   DH and I talked about it last night and unfortunately we cannot make it - He has a Meeting that lasts all day Friday and he has to fly to X out of X first thing Monday morning. If we had known about this earlier and/or been included in the planning, perhaps we could have worked it out - but since everything had been worked out beforehand, there’s no way for us to work it out.  Please don't forget about us when doing these type things for Mom.  She's my Mom too.  I'm guessing this was unintentional - but it hurt nonetheless.  Don't leave any more cryptic messages about us needing to discuss stuff for Mom - about her getting old and we need to do stuff for her - just get straight to the point - I was terrified that something had happened to her.  If the message had stated that we're planning a party for Mom's 80th and we want to work out the details, I would not have been so spun up when you called.  After listening to the voice mail two or three times, I realize that you were trying to be sarcastic about her age - it was very hard to tell.  I just worry about her."

We tried very hard to be non-confrontational and non-accusatory but I guess we would have had to just accepted what he'd decided to do and not say anything...

And, this was the answer we got back:

"I am sorry that you have chosen to misinterpret my good intentions in such a negative manner. You seem to have really gone to a lot of effort to put a bad spin on things. I called you soon as Mama decided what she wanted. The fact that you ascribe some odd meaning to my "cryptic" message is something that is in your court -- there was no such intention. I once more find myself in the position of attempting to do something nice and being attacked for it ( I guess one day I will learn). I have tried on numerous occasions over the last several years to reconcile with you, and each time you manage to sabotage my efforts. No more. I am done. I will be civil ( as I have been to the best of my ability), but I am not available for emotional blackmail anymore. I will keep you informed as to any dire circumstances that you should know about, but I will no longer pretend there is any hope of a positive relationship with you. Fifty-six years of abuse is more than enough! I wish you and DH the best in all things. "

The stuff about the "cryptic" messages stems from uNPDBro leaving voice mail messages about Mom when she's in the emergency room or having a serious health issue.  He will say - call me - it's about Mom... with no further details - and when we call him back he's usually unavailable or doesn't answer the phone.  This has been an issue for many years and he knows better - even EnM has gotten on him about this.

The email he sent was one of many hurtful and nasty things he has done - but this was the first time I had it in writing where he couldn't go back and revise the history - I finally had something concrete that he couldn't change or deny... he couldn't tell me I was delusional or crazy.

Several months after this email, he got upset because I unfriended him on Facebook... because he damaged the house I was allowing his daughter to live in for nothing but the utilities and refused to acknowledge or pay for the damage.  He got EnM to ask me why I'd done that, his feelings were hurt and he didn't know what he'd done wrong...  EnM kept pushing me as to why I unfriended him and for the first time in my life I blew a gasket and unloaded on her - told her exactly what I thought of uNPDBro, her blind support of him, how she didn't protect me from uNPD/BPD father's rages and accusations and so forth.  I was flat out ugly to her.  I did call her back the next morning and apologized for being ugly but did not take back a thing I'd said about uNPDBro's behavior/actions - told her that uNPDBro was no longer welcome in my home.

Her response was a guilt laden spiel about Christmas, holidays, family events, and the crown jewel - how are we supposed to let you know I'm in the hospital or am really sick?   I felt myself beginning to spiral downward but stopped and then said - well have his SIL call me - she's a reasonable person or have your brother call me... Oh, no, can't have my brother call you - we don't want to them to know.  So, that's where I am - dealing with the dysfunctional FOO and being the Scapegoat.  The fact that she didn't want her brother to know about the issue was very telling - gotta keep that perfect family image in tact.

Getting back to the subject and off the rant - he really has no clue the amount of emotional damage he's done over the years and of course if confronted with it, he goes ballistic and inflicts more damage.  They (brother and Mom) are just plain blind to the effect their words and actions have on those around them. 

FOO sets off almost every trigger I have and will send me into a depression/anxiety spiral that lasts for weeks.  EnM tries to force me to engage with uNPDbro and gets very upset with me because I don't make it easy - don't just go with the flow or let them do what ever they want when I'm involved.  The boundaries I've set with them are one of their biggest issues and regularly used to attempt to browbeat me into submission.  Since coming OOTF and seeing their behavior for what it is I no longer volunteer or get volunteered for abuse - ambient or otherwise... so they are ticked off and upset with me because I will not play narc games anymore.  Now I have to figure out a way to short circuit the triggers so FOO truly has no effect/affect on me.  I'm hoping that continued therapy and this board will help me move forward... so thanks in advance.

OMG - that's what the heck is going on... for the last several months the general malaise and weariness is just like when I was growing up - I just didn't connect the two. 

As a young teenager developed digestive/stomach problems that kept me nauseous and tired all the time - it was stress.   uNPD Father, EnM, uNPDBro in training, uBPD paternal grandmother (source of most of the families problems)... and a horrific situation at school - the beginnings of desegregation (early '70s) in the deep South - i.e. busing inner city children into outer areas to equalize educational opportunities.  Not that it was a bad approach but the money they spent moving kids around could have vastly improved the schools the inner city kids were at without adding the stress of them having to deal with a whole new school and being forced to ride long distances... Anyway, fights and loud confrontations were the norm at school - so there was no place safe or quiet to go... this really took a toll on me... EnM took me to the doctor countless times - lots of meds but no change.  Most of the time she was dealing with nNPDF and his health (cardiac and stress issues) which was pretty much a full time deal and dealing with her own female illnesses/surgery plus working and going to school.  The whole family was pretty much ill with stress related or exacerbated stuff and no one paid attention to what the true cause of it was.

A little over a year out from the event that caused me to go total NC with uNPD Brother and VLC with EnM.  uNPDF is deceased for 11 years... BPD Grandmother is long gone - but their horrific legacy has lived on in the person of my brother...  In the past 18 months have lost 40 lbs which I needed to lose most of but the digestive/stomach issues have begun to escalate.  At least now I know why a lot of it is occuring... will have to dig into the cortisol thing and see if that might be the chemical source.

Introductory Post / C-PTSD Dx by T - 1st post on OOTS
« on: March 22, 2015, 06:29:22 PM »
Usually I post over on OOTF but since the dx of C-PTSD by T thought I would see if I could make further progress overcoming the sources of the trauma.  FOO was dysfunctional - uNPD Father, EnM, and now adult uNPDbrother, divorced from uBPDH of 18 years... finally in a safe and loving relationship with DH where I can actually deal with the past abuse and trauma.

Was driven into T due to an abusive episode involving FOO last year.  During the course of therapy started remembering a lot of events that had been buried for many, many years.  In this process have gone NC with uNPDBro and VLC with EnM and am currently on their "shyte" list - but that's nothing new.  These events piled on top of domestic violence, emotional/verbal/financial abuse from the uBPDExH - living in hiding for 18 months afraid for my life, being stalked during the divorce, forced to deal with abusive frivolous litigation during the divorce decimated what little confidence I had.

Lately have been experiencing some really strong reactions to other people - so much so that I have to get up and leave the situation, be by myself for a while, and at times become physically ill when forced to stay and deal.   DH helps a lot when I face these situations... the latest have occurred within the last 48 hours - had an acquaintance accuse me of lying and not returning something that belonged to her - some photographs that I scanned to work on in Photoshop.  Had returned the photos last year, was even able to tell her what folder they were in and the contents of the folder - that she should re-look around her place and see if she could find them - she insisted that I had not returned them.  I do plan to print out some copies on some nice photo paper and give them to her if she can't find the one's she lent me.  She's older and the photos meant a great deal to her - so I would not want to cause her distress if I can do anything to make it better for her.

Second event was early, early (still dark) this morning when I saw a strange man walking around our little neighborhood (about 15 houses total) - walking up to neighbor's porches, looking for whatever, nosing around in the carport areas and had to call the police to report him... brought back lots of memories from 1st marriage - just talking with police makes me very anxious... not that I've done anything to warrant their attention - just makes me nervous.  Still freaked out from having a stranger rummaging around our neighborhood since I'm at the house by myself most of the time - usually gardening and keeping the yard up... I don't want to have to take defensive measures or be uncomfortable in my own house/yard.

Things that cause C-PTSD to surface:

- Disagreements - especially loud ones
- Loud noises or being surprised unexpectedly
- Unwarranted accusations
- FOO phone calls
- Aggressive behavior by anyone
- "Good old days" stories during FOO forced gatherings - told by uNPDB to make himself look so grand
- Any/all interaction with uNPDBrother - usually forced by EnM.
- Most interaction with EnM - she's on thin ice now.

So, that's the intro... TTYL

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