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Messages - Contessa

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Hello Mar74,

I'm rarely on OOTS anymore, so apologies if I have missed any important details from other posts.

The title of your thread and then post, struck a chord with me. There was a time, for a few years, where I felt the same. It was such a strange feeling as I had spent the previous 30 years of my life holding all of my cards close to my chest, and I have been returning to that state (although not so tightly) over the last couple of years.

I too felt like I had verbal diarrhoea, and it was a great worry. My thoughts are that this was an outward expression of fear and anxiety. Our minds and bodies are past the saturation point of understanding (if we had any in the first place) and coping with what we have to bear. We have been so isolated from and by those we have needed to be our support; they refuse to let us speak which in turn adds to that overflow of trauma. We are screaming for help, screaming for safety, because we cannot escape.

Those are my thoughts on what I have experienced. Although we have had different paths on our journeys, I do think we have experienced some similar coping mechanisms in the height of our triggered states. I hope this shared experience is helpful. I hope you are in a place of safety too.


Employment / Re: Unhelpful management
« on: June 23, 2019, 01:13:56 AM »
Hi Rainagain,

Yes it is indeed. And then choosing what I want to do with it. My experience and skills will be welcomed elsewhere :)

Thanks Blueberry, and 3R that is great progress no matter how large or small.

It still isn't all easy of course, but it is a notable marker to remain in control of your own self in negative situations.

Employment / Unhelpful management
« on: June 21, 2019, 04:25:00 AM »
Am hoping this story can serve as a form of affirmation around just how far we can go in our recovery.

I had an interesting day at work (school) yesterday. I was placed in a position to look after a group of youngsters who have such immense behavioural issues, that the day was impossibly ruined before we even walked in the door to start the day.

Nothing to do with me, and despite years of experience, I had no control to begin with. It was imperative to call in support from higher up to intervene and remove the main instigator/s, as the situation was getting quite dangerous.

The first intervention was needed immediately (insane). Another one was needed later. The first person to come in dealt with those involved in the situation, and it helped. The second person (the big boss) decided to immediately put me on trial instead, gave me a dressing down in front of the class, and set me a task of reading a policy booklet right then and there.

It was a cataclysmic moment designed purely to put me under the thumb rather than to deal with the real problem. Instead of feeling humiliated, I felt such joy knowing that what I was told to do was not going to happen (by sheer impracticality), and that I do not have to put up with any targeted power plays from anyone.

Making it this far in my recovery... it's a positive feeling  :bigwink:

Anybody else experience wins like this?

Employment / Re: Harassment, why does this keep happening?
« on: June 21, 2019, 03:17:15 AM »
Me too Eco

Friends / Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« on: June 21, 2019, 03:10:57 AM »
It's been a while since I've checked in here, but this is a great post to read.

A wonderful step forward in self care bssr. Although I am sorry that you are grieving, I am very proud that you have taken the step to make room for more positive friendships in the future.

Another analogy- when the fog lifts we most certainly can start to see any forest for all the trees that were previously obscured... and what a revelation it is.

Thank you very much for your kind responses, all of you.

I suppose no matter how far we are in our recovery, there will always be something that will occasionally take us back to those hopeless times. The setbacks I have now are those that many people face without a traumatic history. But these setbacks are still upsetting for those unfortunate to go through them, so for me they are really pushing my emotional capabilities and limited support networks.

Just living a normal life, trying to push ahead with your dreams after such delays, with trials that test anyone, without the normal diversions that such safe company brings others, and without the supportive diffusing interactions with trusted allies... this is a lonely journey.

Oscen -  I have long left my family behind, because just the thought of them brings me to anger. I have asked those who have relationships with the both of us to not speak to them about me or my life, and I have no interest in knowing about theirs. I have made it clear that I have no respect for them because of the above reasons. All that is accepted.

It is just very lonely sometimes, when you really need a family. It's devastating to remember when I came to really understand how alone I was when they chose to not only dismiss my cries for help when I was being... you know... and then took it a step further to choose my rapist over me.
Always takes me back there when life hands me lemons.

Rambling now, will  wind this up. Thank you again all. Hugs.

Tw: SA

I look around sometimes and see what I've always wanted in my life happening for others. No matter how much I tried and fought for myself, I still missed the boat. And I am also an outcast in my family. They chose my abusers over me.

So today I cannot shake the thought that the only worth I have in this world is for someone else to rape.

Successes, Progress? / Re: No longer qualify
« on: March 23, 2019, 11:14:14 AM »
I just checked in and saw this. Wonderful news Elph. Your progress is real hope. Good news is always worth sharing.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 04, 2019, 09:17:37 PM »
Thank you Kizzie.
So amazed at the anger passing, had to remember what it was for. Very sad. I guess that dream was already shattered years ago.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 04, 2019, 11:42:52 AM »
Thank you 3R and Kizzie.
It's very strange to say, but, I just realised that I am now calm. Have been all day. Being with people calms me, not being alone. Have finally found a friend or two that have that cuppa with me, and it makes all the difference.

 Being with children also calm's me, even if they are off the rails themselves. Glad I went back to teaching.

3 days... I'm calm and back in the world. Not three months. Not six months. Not six years... just three days.

Back upstream and the flow is at a trickle. This was extremely upsetting, so this is rendering me speechless at how fast i'm back to calm. The word 'was' is being used already... amazing

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 02, 2019, 01:24:56 AM »
Thank you so much Kizzie, and again BB. Have been on quite the ef trigger bender. That waterfall is gushing in torrents after the dam leaked.

I'm okay right now, but it has been pouring out and falling on anyone and everyone that passes by. Someone is coming over now to take me down stream for a while.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 01, 2019, 12:52:17 PM »
Thank you. I knew someone here would understand. Anger is justified and I want to say that I am angry.

I don't want to bottle it up and slap on a face of 'hope' and 'optimism' and be 'thankful for the good things' or 'there's always adoption' or whatever crapola people think is how I should be feeling or thinking towards or solving this issue.

No. Right now i'm allowed to be angry, so i'm going to be angry.

Glad you replied, acknowled%ed and validated this.

Other / Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 01, 2019, 06:52:21 AM »

I don't think it is the stress now that I have worked on building up my resilience. I think it is the long time it has taken to recover while enduring and recovering from DV, combined with the recurring infections associated with previous pregnancy loss and SA.

I am now infertile. I am again angry with everyone who contributed/enabled/ignored/abandoned me with abuse.

General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 06, 2019, 12:18:46 PM »
LTLTR I agree with that very valid point, and Kizzie your suggestion of falling into NPD as protection. With many brothers and sisters, each has developed their own way of dealing.

I'll admit to feeling a lot of compassion in the regard that you mentioned Kizzie, but the sad thing is I have had to work hard at removing that emotion from my being just for my own protection from them. It's not a good thing.

Great perspectives everyone, a lot of food for thought here.

General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 05, 2019, 10:06:46 AM »
Thank you Blueberry and Kizzie for those lovely warm hugs. It's just the same old *bleep* different day hey! It all falls under the scapegoat umbrella.

I think something to come out of this as you said Kizzie, is the response of confusion and feeling hurt. That's exactly what it is. Not despair or anger or feeling lost, but confusion because it makes no logical sense.

It's been a long journey to get here. My role hasn't changed with them, but my response to their odd behaviours is improving. It's a step closer to peace.


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