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Messages - Contessa

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Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Total validation
« on: August 21, 2019, 09:00:49 PM »
Go get 'em RA

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Total validation
« on: August 17, 2019, 09:28:25 PM »
Hi Rainagain

It unfortunately wasn't clever, it's just rare that we get the chance to use the fun emoji's. It was a joyous pressting of buttons.

I can feel my blood boiling to read what your employer has done. How on earth do they have that power? What is the point of an independent consultant if the company can change the facts to their satisfaction? These are rhetorical questions by the way.

The end point here is, will it affect your pension?

Do you have a copy of the original?

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Re: Total validation
« on: August 03, 2019, 03:17:46 AM »
:woohoo: :rundog:
Pretend the dog is facing the other way. Or, you're running faster


General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: July 24, 2019, 10:26:02 AM »
Kizzie, yes! I definitely learnt how to show compassion for myself. There was a time where I put myself at number 1, and fiercely fought for myself. I guess I was attempting to protect the little young me, but it got destructive at a point too.

Coming back now, but to a place with more boundaries.

General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: July 24, 2019, 10:20:06 AM »
Yes BB and JamesG!

I even learned to stop apologising. I would apologise not because I did wrong, but in an effort to 'reset' and move forward when odd disagreements would happen, which to be honest were not my fault.

I learned the hard way that being the first to extend the olive branch did not mean the same to them. It was an admission of fault and blame for my causing the problem, and then I was put down even further. So... I stopped apologising... then it progressed to uglier depths from there. Sigh.

Hello Mar74,

I'm rarely on OOTS anymore, so apologies if I have missed any important details from other posts.

The title of your thread and then post, struck a chord with me. There was a time, for a few years, where I felt the same. It was such a strange feeling as I had spent the previous 30 years of my life holding all of my cards close to my chest, and I have been returning to that state (although not so tightly) over the last couple of years.

I too felt like I had verbal diarrhoea, and it was a great worry. My thoughts are that this was an outward expression of fear and anxiety. Our minds and bodies are past the saturation point of understanding (if we had any in the first place) and coping with what we have to bear. We have been so isolated from and by those we have needed to be our support; they refuse to let us speak which in turn adds to that overflow of trauma. We are screaming for help, screaming for safety, because we cannot escape.

Those are my thoughts on what I have experienced. Although we have had different paths on our journeys, I do think we have experienced some similar coping mechanisms in the height of our triggered states. I hope this shared experience is helpful. I hope you are in a place of safety too.


Employment / Re: Unhelpful management
« on: June 23, 2019, 01:13:56 AM »
Hi Rainagain,

Yes it is indeed. And then choosing what I want to do with it. My experience and skills will be welcomed elsewhere :)

Thanks Blueberry, and 3R that is great progress no matter how large or small.

It still isn't all easy of course, but it is a notable marker to remain in control of your own self in negative situations.

Employment / Unhelpful management
« on: June 21, 2019, 04:25:00 AM »
Am hoping this story can serve as a form of affirmation around just how far we can go in our recovery.

I had an interesting day at work (school) yesterday. I was placed in a position to look after a group of youngsters who have such immense behavioural issues, that the day was impossibly ruined before we even walked in the door to start the day.

Nothing to do with me, and despite years of experience, I had no control to begin with. It was imperative to call in support from higher up to intervene and remove the main instigator/s, as the situation was getting quite dangerous.

The first intervention was needed immediately (insane). Another one was needed later. The first person to come in dealt with those involved in the situation, and it helped. The second person (the big boss) decided to immediately put me on trial instead, gave me a dressing down in front of the class, and set me a task of reading a policy booklet right then and there.

It was a cataclysmic moment designed purely to put me under the thumb rather than to deal with the real problem. Instead of feeling humiliated, I felt such joy knowing that what I was told to do was not going to happen (by sheer impracticality), and that I do not have to put up with any targeted power plays from anyone.

Making it this far in my recovery... it's a positive feeling  :bigwink:

Anybody else experience wins like this?

Employment / Re: Harassment, why does this keep happening?
« on: June 21, 2019, 03:17:15 AM »
Me too Eco

Friends / Re: Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« on: June 21, 2019, 03:10:57 AM »
It's been a while since I've checked in here, but this is a great post to read.

A wonderful step forward in self care bssr. Although I am sorry that you are grieving, I am very proud that you have taken the step to make room for more positive friendships in the future.

Another analogy- when the fog lifts we most certainly can start to see any forest for all the trees that were previously obscured... and what a revelation it is.

Thank you very much for your kind responses, all of you.

I suppose no matter how far we are in our recovery, there will always be something that will occasionally take us back to those hopeless times. The setbacks I have now are those that many people face without a traumatic history. But these setbacks are still upsetting for those unfortunate to go through them, so for me they are really pushing my emotional capabilities and limited support networks.

Just living a normal life, trying to push ahead with your dreams after such delays, with trials that test anyone, without the normal diversions that such safe company brings others, and without the supportive diffusing interactions with trusted allies... this is a lonely journey.

Oscen -  I have long left my family behind, because just the thought of them brings me to anger. I have asked those who have relationships with the both of us to not speak to them about me or my life, and I have no interest in knowing about theirs. I have made it clear that I have no respect for them because of the above reasons. All that is accepted.

It is just very lonely sometimes, when you really need a family. It's devastating to remember when I came to really understand how alone I was when they chose to not only dismiss my cries for help when I was being... you know... and then took it a step further to choose my rapist over me.
Always takes me back there when life hands me lemons.

Rambling now, will  wind this up. Thank you again all. Hugs.

Tw: SA

I look around sometimes and see what I've always wanted in my life happening for others. No matter how much I tried and fought for myself, I still missed the boat. And I am also an outcast in my family. They chose my abusers over me.

So today I cannot shake the thought that the only worth I have in this world is for someone else to rape.

Successes, Progress? / Re: No longer qualify
« on: March 23, 2019, 11:14:14 AM »
I just checked in and saw this. Wonderful news Elph. Your progress is real hope. Good news is always worth sharing.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 04, 2019, 09:17:37 PM »
Thank you Kizzie.
So amazed at the anger passing, had to remember what it was for. Very sad. I guess that dream was already shattered years ago.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 04, 2019, 11:42:52 AM »
Thank you 3R and Kizzie.
It's very strange to say, but, I just realised that I am now calm. Have been all day. Being with people calms me, not being alone. Have finally found a friend or two that have that cuppa with me, and it makes all the difference.

 Being with children also calm's me, even if they are off the rails themselves. Glad I went back to teaching.

3 days... I'm calm and back in the world. Not three months. Not six months. Not six years... just three days.

Back upstream and the flow is at a trickle. This was extremely upsetting, so this is rendering me speechless at how fast i'm back to calm. The word 'was' is being used already... amazing

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