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Messages - Contessa

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Thank you very much for your kind responses, all of you.

I suppose no matter how far we are in our recovery, there will always be something that will occasionally take us back to those hopeless times. The setbacks I have now are those that many people face without a traumatic history. But these setbacks are still upsetting for those unfortunate to go through them, so for me they are really pushing my emotional capabilities and limited support networks.

Just living a normal life, trying to push ahead with your dreams after such delays, with trials that test anyone, without the normal diversions that such safe company brings others, and without the supportive diffusing interactions with trusted allies... this is a lonely journey.

Oscen -  I have long left my family behind, because just the thought of them brings me to anger. I have asked those who have relationships with the both of us to not speak to them about me or my life, and I have no interest in knowing about theirs. I have made it clear that I have no respect for them because of the above reasons. All that is accepted.

It is just very lonely sometimes, when you really need a family. It's devastating to remember when I came to really understand how alone I was when they chose to not only dismiss my cries for help when I was being... you know... and then took it a step further to choose my rapist over me.
Always takes me back there when life hands me lemons.

Rambling now, will  wind this up. Thank you again all. Hugs.

Tw: SA

I look around sometimes and see what I've always wanted in my life happening for others. No matter how much I tried and fought for myself, I still missed the boat. And I am also an outcast in my family. They chose my abusers over me.

So today I cannot shake the thought that the only worth I have in this world is for someone else to rape.

Successes, Progress? / Re: No longer qualify
« on: March 23, 2019, 11:14:14 AM »
I just checked in and saw this. Wonderful news Elph. Your progress is real hope. Good news is always worth sharing.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 04, 2019, 09:17:37 PM »
Thank you Kizzie.
So amazed at the anger passing, had to remember what it was for. Very sad. I guess that dream was already shattered years ago.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 04, 2019, 11:42:52 AM »
Thank you 3R and Kizzie.
It's very strange to say, but, I just realised that I am now calm. Have been all day. Being with people calms me, not being alone. Have finally found a friend or two that have that cuppa with me, and it makes all the difference.

 Being with children also calm's me, even if they are off the rails themselves. Glad I went back to teaching.

3 days... I'm calm and back in the world. Not three months. Not six months. Not six years... just three days.

Back upstream and the flow is at a trickle. This was extremely upsetting, so this is rendering me speechless at how fast i'm back to calm. The word 'was' is being used already... amazing

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 02, 2019, 01:24:56 AM »
Thank you so much Kizzie, and again BB. Have been on quite the ef trigger bender. That waterfall is gushing in torrents after the dam leaked.

I'm okay right now, but it has been pouring out and falling on anyone and everyone that passes by. Someone is coming over now to take me down stream for a while.

Other / Re: Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 01, 2019, 12:52:17 PM »
Thank you. I knew someone here would understand. Anger is justified and I want to say that I am angry.

I don't want to bottle it up and slap on a face of 'hope' and 'optimism' and be 'thankful for the good things' or 'there's always adoption' or whatever crapola people think is how I should be feeling or thinking towards or solving this issue.

No. Right now i'm allowed to be angry, so i'm going to be angry.

Glad you replied, acknowled%ed and validated this.

Other / Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 01, 2019, 06:52:21 AM »

I don't think it is the stress now that I have worked on building up my resilience. I think it is the long time it has taken to recover while enduring and recovering from DV, combined with the recurring infections associated with previous pregnancy loss and SA.

I am now infertile. I am again angry with everyone who contributed/enabled/ignored/abandoned me with abuse.

General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 06, 2019, 12:18:46 PM »
LTLTR I agree with that very valid point, and Kizzie your suggestion of falling into NPD as protection. With many brothers and sisters, each has developed their own way of dealing.

I'll admit to feeling a lot of compassion in the regard that you mentioned Kizzie, but the sad thing is I have had to work hard at removing that emotion from my being just for my own protection from them. It's not a good thing.

Great perspectives everyone, a lot of food for thought here.

General Discussion / Re: You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 05, 2019, 10:06:46 AM »
Thank you Blueberry and Kizzie for those lovely warm hugs. It's just the same old *bleep* different day hey! It all falls under the scapegoat umbrella.

I think something to come out of this as you said Kizzie, is the response of confusion and feeling hurt. That's exactly what it is. Not despair or anger or feeling lost, but confusion because it makes no logical sense.

It's been a long journey to get here. My role hasn't changed with them, but my response to their odd behaviours is improving. It's a step closer to peace.


General Discussion / You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 03, 2019, 11:36:48 AM »
Hi I'm not sure how to express this. Has anyone had this happen to them?

If a close family member is in trouble, you literally drop everything to help them. Even take leave from your job and fly interstate at a moments notice when you have a fear of flying. Nobody else does anything. Ever. But you make sure you do what you can. And you've done this several times throughout your life. And they have even come to you seeking that help.

And of all people, they abuse you, and stop talking to you while getting along with the others who did a big fat nothing to help them. You're given the silent treatment, you are told off and you are outcast.

I don't get it

General Discussion / Re: Christmas confusion
« on: January 07, 2019, 12:03:45 PM »
Thank you Finally Free and Libby for your kind words.

Feeling much more normal now the new year has started. How is everyone else going now that it is all over?

Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Family rejection as the scapegoat
« on: January 06, 2019, 10:39:59 PM »
Seconded SJ. Well said.

Returning to one of Blueberry's rhetorics of  'Am I allowed some peace too?' I had to lose five brothers and sisters and all the attached friends and family with them to get some semblance of it.

There is no peace either way. It was a choice to keep myself alive.

Christmas & New Years / Re: Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 28, 2018, 03:20:53 AM »
Thank you.
A party would be good.

General Discussion / Re: Christmas confusion
« on: December 28, 2018, 12:34:02 AM »
Another one here too. Every year.

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