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Messages - Dee

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Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Banned from FOO for almost 5 years
« on: June 16, 2019, 06:40:52 PM »
There are certainly parts of this I could have wrote myself.  Ostracism is cruel.  I haven't talked to my sister in a year.  Her children and grandchildren are the largest part of my family.  I limit contact with my mom and when I do talk to her she fills me in on everything I was excluded from.  For sure, if I received an email like the one you received I would be huge emotional flashback.

I try to remind myself that I CAN choose my family.  Also, if not related I would have never chose them to be my family.  I once sat down and did 11 grief letters then shared them with my therapist.  After talking about it, it did help me accept the situation I am in.  My sister once told me that she is so busy explaining why she is right that she doesn't consider the other person's perspective.  I had hope with that insight and it was forgotten quickly by her.

I've come to the conclusion that until she is wiling to work on herself I am better off without her.  Unfortunately, that means I no longer have a relationship with anyone.  I try very much try to remember how horrible I felt when we were talking.  With the control, mean statements, and ridicule that I suffered.  I realize I actually have less bad days of feeling left out than I did when we were talking and I took the abuse.

I am sorry this is happening to you.  I get the gut wrenching sadness that comes with it.


I experienced CSA that was also severe.  While I have had sex ,I have done it out of duty and obligation.  I absolutely had no interest in it and never enjoyed it.  I just hoped it would be over as fast as possible every time.  Now I am divorced and I still have zero interest.  I don't think there is anything wrong with you.  I like to think of these things as normal reactions to an abnormal events.

Sexual Abuse / Re: It ruined me
« on: March 26, 2019, 05:46:37 PM »

On the rare occasion that I tell my story, I end up comforting the listener.  I find myself saying things like, "I'm okay, really, it's fine." or "don't worry about me, I'm great" or "I'm doing great, it's all good."  None of it is true, but I cannot stand the look I see on their faces.  To make them feel better I try to present myself as someone it didn't effect or someone completely recovered.  I also find I don't want to be the needy friend or the friend with problems, so I keep it to myself.

After November I told no one.  I went until recently, telling no one.  Even now my therapist knows but my closest friends don't.  It really is about feeling too shameful.  I do know what he did is on him.  I know he was wrong.  I have gone over it hundreds of times and I do know that I did not consent.  I have also gone gone over it hundreds of times in what I should of done differently.  I know that I put myself in a bad situation and was irresponsible.  Though I know I was a victim and him a perpetrator, I also feel partially responsible.  I think that is why I can't tell anyone and why it took me so long to.  My therapist pointed out when I told her "I was a disappointment, a failure, and shameful" she said this isn't the first time she has heard me say this.  She said that I am building a wall back up that we were tearing down.  I just can't see how I will ever see it differently.  So now I work on at least trying to forgive myself.

Sexual Abuse / Re: It ruined me
« on: March 25, 2019, 03:13:54 AM »

Kizzie, thank you for your reply, it is very validating.  I also hate the saying, we don't get more than we can handle.  I think that is another BS statement that people think is nice to say.

Sexual Abuse / It ruined me
« on: March 24, 2019, 04:23:54 AM »

Lately, after my last hospital stay and trauma in November I have been reflecting on how my abuse as a child changed the person I might have been.  I can pinpoint it back to the time I was in  elementary school, how things seemed different for me.  How I didn't interact the same as other kids did.  Maybe I am doing what if's, but I know I don't have the life I would like or the life I should of had.  I have had some successes, but they were almost torture.  I ran and did so competitively, but I was completely obsessed with it and my diet.  I later had to stop because of osteoporosis due to my eating disorder and my inability to let myself recover when needed; I pushed beyond human limitations.  I am well educated; I did so while working.  Yet, I obsessed over my grades and I worried constantly about if I was good enough.  Now, I don't give myself credit for my education because I don't feel I went to good enough schools.  The stress from being perfect took a toll on my health both physically and mentally. 

I am 45, retired and disabled.  I had kids early because I rushed into marriage and family (trying to get that family I never had, but always wanted).  I'm divorced and alone.  Having kids early, means they leave early.  Mine didn't just move down the street, they went into the military.  It's not even just the physical aspects of it all.  It is the misery I feel day in and day out.  The lack of judgement that I seem to exercise over and over.  I should of been so much more.

I haven't spoken about it.  It just came out in therapy, but my inability to exercise boundaries and my lack of judgement hurt me again.  Boundaries are the single most difficult concept for me to learn.  Like an idiot, against my better judgement, I let someone in my house to drop off something after a night of drinking.  Drinking has been an issue and I've been doing well after my latest inpatient treatment.  I was drunk, then passed out.  I only have two memories I was so drunk, but it is enough.  This was in November, November 9th to be exact.  A different person wouldn't have gotten into that situation.

And yet, while all of this has already been on my mind, Barbara Streisand said "it didn't kill them."  I beg to differ, I think it killed me in a way that she cannot understand.  it profoundly influenced my life in a negative way.  I read the other day that there are people who are alive because their kids are.  I thought that was beautifully stated and so very true. 

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Fighting the urge
« on: March 19, 2019, 07:55:26 PM »

I haven't self harmed in almost two years and I still get theurges.  Things have been stressful and I even fought the urge yesterday.  I can visualize myself doing  it so I try to distract.  Drawing the feeling seems to help.  It is hard, but I've managed to beat it.  The urge does pass, I don't feel that way today.


I'm sorry I am so late, but I want to send you a hug.


General Discussion / Re: New, confused, and down - possibly triggering
« on: March 17, 2019, 06:51:13 PM »

Welcome!  I was in an abusive marriage for 20 years, that I failed to see was abusive.  When I grew up I had no modeling of what marriage is suppose to be and I thought it was normal.  I had asked for a separation or divorce many times, but first there were threats, then he refused to go.  For the life of me, I could not figure out how to get out of my marriage.

Finally, I crashed.  Not just from the abusive marriage but also from my childhood.  I ended up in therapy and I got the real support and validation I needed to get out of my marriage.  First, my therapist had to explain to me that it was abusive.  Even then it still took a year for me to realize just how abusive it was.  I believed that the only abuse was physical.  I have said that if he hit me, I would of known.

Telling someone does make the situation more real.  You certainly can start here.  Once you gain awareness it's hard to go back.  I hope you get the support you need to make the move to save you.

Introductory Post / Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« on: March 11, 2019, 02:07:15 AM »

Unfortunately, I have had to deal with this with both my sister and my mother.  I am NC with my sister.  Being around her was like punishing myself, yet I felt obligated.  I was suffering from her manipulation and negativity and honestly just, plain nastiness.  She made comments that she knew were hurtful.  My therapist put it into perspective when she asked why I would want to be around the mean person?  She's right, just because she is my sister doesn't mean I have to be around the mean person.  We can't choose our family, if we chose our family like friends, I wouldn't have chosen her.  I would never have a friend who would treat me that way.


I'm attached to my therapist.  I think part of it for me, is that it is an uneven relationship.  She sees and doesn't judge all of me.  I only get a glimpse of her.  I don't get to see her faults (I know they are there) so it makes her on a different level to me.  I know therapy isn't forever and the attachment will break.  I also know that a skilled therapist will do this carefully and slowly.

Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / Re: I'm finally doing it!
« on: March 09, 2019, 03:24:54 AM »

I feel like for once in my life I got a break.  It worked out so well for me that it almost feels meant to be.  I sold my house in a bidding war for more than I asked and a cash offer.  The cash offer is good because I don't even think it would appraise for what I sold it.  My offer on the other place was accepted without a counter.  I like it better, it is a little bigger and nicer.  It was almost an even trade.

Now, the hard part is moving.  I've got it all set up and just packing now.  I have just over a month.  I think I will feel so free.  Free just to move around without fear.

Therapy / Re: I don't know if I need therapy again
« on: March 06, 2019, 02:58:02 PM »

Would it be possible for you to schedule a consultation?  It wouldn't be a commitment, but an exploration with a therapist about what your needs are.  I also felt like it was effecting your marriage from what I read.  That certainly would be a case for therapy.

General Discussion / increased anxiety
« on: March 05, 2019, 02:21:45 AM »

I am having more anxiety than usual.  My had shake what feels like constantly.  I've been self conscious in stores and try to put my hands on the counter to steady them.  Today I was trying to flip through photos on my phone and had a hard time because my hand was shaking.  I tried to steady it on the phone, but again, embarrassed.  As I type my left arm is twitching and has been for some time, I'm home, alone.

I saw my nutritionist and we were trying to figure out why, so she wants me to log it.  Potentially, it could be that I stopped drinking and I don't have that sedative effect.  Potentially, with me stopping drinking, not relying on my eating disorder, and not over-exercising I don't have those negative coping skills and need to find other ones.

My fear is I had a trauma in November, I feel totally responsible.  Drinking too much and not eating enough caused me to get overly drunk and pass out.  I wonder if that last one pushed my love the edge.

I don't know; I don't know what to do.  I still have my arm twitch, I hope it goes away soon.

Going Low/No Contact with Abusers / I'm finally doing it!
« on: March 03, 2019, 03:30:48 PM »

I've been talking about moving away from the vicinity of my sister since I was inpatient in early 2017 (trauma program).  Since then I did a lot of talk and no action.  I think it just felt too big to do alone.  It came up again while I was inpatient for my eating disorder.  I now have had 3 therapist and 3 psychiatrist tell me to go.  I've put my house up for sell (I think I may have an offer) and I bought a new place.  It isn't that far away, 90 minute drive, but far enough. 

In September my sister said my dad died a broken man because of me.  She also said I was 100% responsible for ruining my mom and dad's lives.  Since then the thought of seeing her causes a panic attack.  I live about half a mile away and I am afraid to walk my dog in my neighborhood. 

I'll need to build new support, but it is close enough that I can keep my providers at least for the time being (or as long as I am willing to drive).  I had to go while the motivation was fresh from being inpatient again. 

General Discussion / Re: Running away is a normal response
« on: March 03, 2019, 03:21:12 PM »

It's not the same, exactly, but I've ran away as well.  My dad got out of prison early 2000.  By June of 2000 I was living overseas and continued to do so until 2013.  I don't regret it for a minute.  It was my way of limiting contact and protecting myself and my family.

I feel you did what you needed to do to protect yourself. 

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