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Sorry for my late reply and thank you all for your input.
I think i can tell when someone's had a bad childhood too. There seems to be common themes for a better word.

I look around and wonder how prevalent it is. I think my parents had problems in childhood and one or two of my exes.
I also think if i try to bring it up to others, they wouldn't want to know.
It is a very complex thing. Thanks guys xx

Thanks ladies and youre right Dee we can only change ourselves.  I wouldn't have gotten better with him around, i know that.
He asked if we could talk and i said no. We will arrange a time for him to pick up the rest of his belongings but i think ill have someone with me for that.
Iv been ground down before with exes talking me round. One used to keep me awake all night, letting me doze off then saying my name to wake me up and continue talking. Torture.

I have a feeling he could say he'd get help but i know alcoholics say the right things. I need to stay strong.

Well after this weekend and my bf being drunk and abusive again, i lay awake all Saturday night and realised he has been controlling and manipulating me all along. 18 months in fact.
So while i got onto this path of 'fixing' me in order to have a fulfilling relationship at last, it seems that while iv been identifying the other pds in my life past and present, he got through the net.

Im heartbroken. I chose to ignore the warning signs so its my own fault i know.
He love bombed me so much that i thought id found my soulmate. Classic story apparently duh!

Then he picks and chooses when to give me affection etc as long as im being a good girl sigh 

If iv learned anything its that i will now trust my gut more. I feel like an idiot.

Iv packed his clothes and hes out when he finishes work tonight.
I would have given him more time to find a place but he raised his hand and threatened me yesterday so now he doesnt deserve my sympathy.

Gonna have a damn good cry when the kids are in bed. Glad iv got therapy tomorrow.

I can link the manipulation starting with npdd through to most of my bfs. I no longer trust my judgement regarding partners so will stay on my own until i have worked on it.

Sorry for butting in and forgive me if iv missed anything but reading your posts about tests always coming back negative reminds me of myself a few yrs ago. They thought it might be lupus but then it wasnt. I had loads of tests done and all neg. I started to feel like i was making it all up.
Anyway just wanted to say i went to a rheumatologist who asked me about my past and any trauma then diagnosed me with fibromyalgia .
Not sure if that is any help to you but i do understand your frustrations. 

Just re read it and it does make sense i think   

I was reading a post here the other day and it made me curious.
How many, if any, other people irl do you know with cptsd?

Iv often looked at others and their behaviours etc and wonder what their childhoods were like.

I do feel im different from a lot of others around me. I cant manage to do the things they can (socialising etc)

Are we few and far between or are there lots just undiagnosed i wonder.
Id say my ubpdm and unpdd probably have it and my brother.

I hope im making sense cos i never seem to be able to post what i mean in my head properly

  Dee.

I dont follow any religion either. Im more for nature and the stars etc. To me they are real things i can connect with. I believe in an omnipresent god so to speak. In everything including ourselves.

    

I hope it gets easier.
I had been distancing from my NPD friend lately but her F has passed away and iv let her back in.
I know she is grieving but she dumps everything on me. And yes i feel guilty too.
Compare the guilt u feel to all the times she has made you feel bad. 

Im sure in time you will feel less guilt and know you did the right thing. Good luck

Thank you Kizzie for making things clear.
I apologise for a post in which i swore and angered. I genuinely thought it was the right place to do such a thing as long as i put a TW.
Anyway iv learnt my lesson as i seem to have been shunned since.
I didnt mean to upset anybody,  that was the last thing id have wanted to do.
Im a terrible swearer irl but i will not do it here again.

Aw sanmagic im so sorry you're feeling this way right now.  What you describe sounds awful and ihate that youre going through this and i wish i could help you to find and soothe little you.  I have no advice but im here to send you lots of       

     Three Roses

Sending      Sanmagic

Thanks Sanmagic  back atcha  xx