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Messages - C.

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1
Mojayjeanne thank you for you insights and validation.  It is an ongoing challenge I find to balance the healing from the past and current reality.  On one hand I don't want to get "stuck" in the past, on the other hand sometimes I have no choice but to address it...

And Mojayjeanne I am so sorry that you experience abuse and had to repress to survive.  It was not your fault.  It was painful.  You are an important person worthy of love and appropriate treatment.  I am so heartened to see you hear on your journey towards healing.  Here is to a year of continued growth and healing.

2
Bella your questions and thoughts are very insightful.  I agree that I to get alot from peter walker and specifically the article you mention.  I  also want to address what you mention about the syndrome...
When I first discovered the title cptsd I felt incredibly validated.  I wasnít alone.  I fit. But imho Iíve noticed that the term and description at least for me is evolving.  And one of the beauties of life, of science is that as we learn we are able to reflect and adjust to increased understanding. So no, I donít use the term disorder/syndrome any longer for me.  I prefer relational trauma survivor.  I identify as surviving an experience and disorder or syndrome now sounds like more permanent damage?... and Iíve noticed this reflected in the language here on this site as well... more use of the term relationship trauma...Perhaps itís simply a matter of semantics?... anyway thatís one perspective on how to integrate the terms and illness into oneís identity...

3
Bella, I don't think that your questions sounds stupid at all.  I've grappled with this idea myself as well.  In fact I thought that I was "cured" because I didn't have an emotional flash back for a few years.  But then I did and have been coming back to this site off and on for the past several months again.  Like your reflection on the subject it seems difficult that the illness itself could go away entirely since it's cause is trauma.  And the traumatic events are a part of our past that always exists.  However, as you mention, it does seem that the symptoms go away if well treated.  And, at least in my case, it's not just treatment.  Sometimes real life situations happen that are out of our control and can trigger the symptoms to start up again on some level.  And in that sense perhaps it's somewhat different from diabetes.  The e symptoms the second time around were much easier to treat, at least in my experience.  I was aware.  I knew how to begin to address them and am acting on that knowledge.  So ultimately any resurgence w/the symptoms can be met w/an equally strong response of hope and effective treatment.  And as was mentioned an awareness that as hard as the symptoms sometimes feel we have some strengths from this illness in that we often have a highly develope sense of compassion and empathy, plus an ability to develop high levels of intimacy.

4
Introductory Post / Re: New to CPTSD
« on: October 24, 2020, 11:03:12 AM »
What a wonderful example of a step, and I think a gigantic one...Thank you for sharing your story here.  It mirrors my reality so much.  Your parents sounds so similar to mine.  The constant tension and explosivenss in the home.  Your natural acceptance of the denial, as a youth you had been programmed to deny, hence the false explanation for your injury.  And I am touched by the now mature perspective of your experience that you shared, of what ought to have happened, like an ER visit.  My parents too are close to reaching the age of needing caregiving.  I also appreciated your awareness of the inconsistency w/your mother.  The current sweetness.  Yet, your awareness that it has been sporadic.  Again, thank you for sharing such a mature and insightful perspective on your experiences both past and present.

5
Introductory Post / Re: Looking for hope
« on: September 05, 2020, 02:59:45 PM »
Hello Allikat,  I am happy to see that you've reached out here.  I am so sorry for what you went through.  One of my earliest memories is of my parents fighting in their car...it's so traumatic for a child...I watched the video that Kizzie posted and the poem and found them very uplifting.  I hope that can happen for you as well.  I remember earlier in my healing a time of being mostly alone other than my therapist, but as I healed I learned to recognize healthy and gradually added healthy people into my life.  For me I needed that time away from others to be able to recognize healthy human relationships.  Out of the Storm was a part of that process for me and I hope that you find more hope and healing here.  Thank you for reaching out and giving us the opportunity to help you for in that we all heal a little.

6
Hello everyone,

Again thank you for your responses.  Yes, learning to be authentically me and also those individuals who will be less supportive, but ultimately no one has the level of power that happened for me as a child.  So I am learning to understand that is the case and respond in kind.  Not underreact (placating everyone) or overreact (can be too harsh).

Honestly everyone's response here has really helped.  Knowing others struggle with finding the right balance after trauma.

In my case I spent about 5 years very focused on my healing again, and basically free of any EF for maybe 7 years?  So I felt so afraid when new information tipped me into that reality again a couple of months ago.

I am happy to say that since that time it's not happened again (an EF) and I've learned to sit with this new reality, gradually think about it, and accept it in a way that feels so much better than the first time around when I had to do all this work...the writing, the thinking, the praying, meditating, therapy, analyzing every relationship in my life...

Now I journal periodically, analyze my triggers better, and get on with my day...it's hard to describe.

And I know that this group helps greatly with that process.

7
Whobuddy thank you for finding the words to summarize a big part of my struggle "it is as if I finally am grasping that they happened to Me, the Me that is here now and not just a child that exists in my mind."  That's what hit me these past two months.  And as painful as is the reality, the truth of my experience is at the same time healing.  It's like I'm finally able to see, and then let go...

And I think I hear you about finding your authentic self.  I am often hit at the same time by gratitude that this struggle allows us such great empathy and value in finding our voice, our voice and valuing that others may do the same.  I look forward to you finding that for you as I do for me.  There've been times when i struggle so much to allow that authentic self to come out in my relationships, but when I do and I am valued, then I feel so wonderful, so empowered.  Both at work and with my husband and with my adult kids and my brother.  And when someone doesn't react appropriately to my authentic self, well I know it's them, not me.

Thank you.


8
Letters of Recovery / Re: To my former youth pastors
« on: August 29, 2020, 08:00:31 PM »
That is a powerful letter.  Thank you for sharing it.  It sounds like your are making important steps towards healing on your journey.

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journal
« on: August 29, 2020, 07:54:11 PM »
I am struck by the committment you show to understand your journey.  Thank you for sharing it here.  Your description reminded me of research i came across years ago about marriages where both people are healing from abuse.  I believe that is the case in my marriage as well.  Perhaps as you mention now with this awareness you will both be able to provide in a way for eachother as mature adults something that neither received, or can receive now from your foo.

10
Thank you very much for reaching out Whobuddy.  I am happy to hear you remember me.  I remember you too.  I had wanted to become more active a while back, but had password issues and it didn't seem so urgent...now it is, although this time around does seem smoother.  Like I know what to expect and steps to take.  I hear you about the emotional neglect and abuse.  And like you said there is something to be said for simply knowing there is a community out there who "gets it"...what we've experienced.  As I retrieve memories on this I am finding that I actually did experience some physical violence, witness it, along w/the threat of it...but bizarre stuff like throwing food or breaking a household item...
And for the record you are good at validation and support :)  Just hearing that helped me.
So did you witness a lot of domestic violence?  I suspect it was nearly daily for me, or at least a few times a week.  My whole childhood and adolescence...i think i just didn't realize the gravity of how that impacted me in my current reality...and now that i do i have mixed feelings of relief at getting to the deeper issue to finally heal on a deeper level, as well as frustration that i am experiencing cptsd symptoms again...the freezing, the anger, the heart racing and hands trembling...but i am so much more in control of my healing now.  i think i figured out how to avoid it hurting either my healthy relationships or my job.  Again, thank you for responding and i appreciate continuing this conversation.

11
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: My Husband had a Stroke
« on: August 29, 2020, 07:32:50 PM »
Hello Kizzie,

That must be difficult.  Much love sent your direction!

C.

12
General Discussion / Re: CPTSD Anxiety Article Discussion
« on: August 24, 2020, 12:35:50 AM »
Thank you Rainy Day for starting this thread.  Here are some of my thoughts about the article:

I appreciated the information in this article for several reasons.  First, I love the validation.  Everything said rings true for me.  It explains why I feel irritated w/the behavioral/thought approach and DBT.   

I really and truly feel the emotion first as a result of a threat that reminds me of my past.  There is no ďthoughtĒ first in my case...I have a child like fear or anxiety...so I have to start there.  But, knowing this allows me to analyze ahead of time that when I feel that fear I am re-experiencing the fear of my father w/someone else.  In that way I can immediately address the fear, remind myself itís another situation, and begin to practice moving on.  This has affected me in my relationships w/so many people: co-workers, Faith community, ex-husband, my son, etc.  And it allows me to realize these threats are different, and to cope.  And if the threat is more serious, like in my past, such as a toxic friend or my ex-husband, it helps me to understand why I need to let that relationship go.

Second, I love how it mentions healing needs to happen away from the abuse.  For about two years I cut off most contact with everyone but my own kids, my therapist, a bf, and necessary ones at work.  I needed to heal and since I couldnít figure what was healthy and what was not, I simply cleaned the slate, then added people back in again later.  Now I understand why.

Finally, for me the anxiety/depression awareness came first, later I figured out the history of trauma as the origin.

I look forward to using this information, especially at work, where I deal w/an unpleasant boss and a lot of clients.  Now when I get triggered I can simply think ďitís not your dadĒ or something along those lines.  Has anyone here found helpful phrases to use when a person who triggers you?

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Rainy Journal
« on: August 23, 2020, 02:07:24 PM »
Agreed great article.  Thank you. That article resonates for me.  Would it be possible to discuss the article on another thread?...I am so curious about perspectives and applying it to our healing...

14
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today ... Part 6
« on: August 22, 2020, 09:27:16 PM »
1.  Help daughter w/wedding plans - optimism and the beauty of youth
2.  Free time w/my sweet husband - giving and receiving love in a healthy way
3.  Finished my taxes - such relief!

15
General Discussion / Re: Problems with reading
« on: August 22, 2020, 09:20:29 PM »
I'm glad you brought up this topic.  I had forgotten and didn't realize it happened for other people.

At the peak of my symptoms, in 2012 I couldn't read for a few months.  Now I read, but I feel like there's been a mild shift in my level of enjoyment...i prefer technology reading now over books...

for me there might be some triggering w/FOO overemphasizing reading, like quote the source and if you cannot then your idea is wrong,..

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