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Messages - theaquarist

#1
sanmagic: I think you deserve a Congratulations for your achievement too. 15 years is remarkable. I really admire you for that

Joeybird: Thank you :) :) It really feels worth it too, it's been more than a few years since I took a break

Sandstone: Thank you for the thoughts. I hope you're doing well too. Hugs
#2
Sometimes I don't know how to give elaborate responses but I want to say this thread has helped me feel a lot better and understand the Inner Critic a lot better! Thank you all
"Only a couple times in my life has the ideal scenario in my head worked out in real life where we both accept our part in the hurt and make ammends to each other."
I feel the same. And I've been working on making amends with people as well. It is a hard process. Today I had to be really assertive against my negative thoughts about myself. It took some work but even a little bit of a change in thought has been giving a great effect. Even if all I can agree on is "I am a unique person and I'm here for me. It's okay, I'm okay."
I hope things start clearing up soon for you, Movement, but remember that your efforts each day are "drops in the bucket" even if you don't see the benefit yet. You're investing in YOU and you should proud of yourself for that.

Hugs
#3
I found this thread from a search about windows. You say that you have dreams of driving a truck, you can't see out the windows, and the brakes don't work?
That's so interesting, one of my most recurring dreams since I was a kid is to be suddenly driving and having no brakes or the brakes don't work.
Sometimes in the dream, I would be sitting on a couch or a rocking chair, and it would start driving down the street without me having any control except to steer it. Sometimes I would be in a car as a passenger and the car would start driving and I had to save it.
I'm glad I'm not alone but I'm sorry that you have these dreams as well. I'll give this website another look.

Hugs!
#4
I've officially made it more than 3 weeks so this weekend will be a month

!!! I'm really excited.

Things in life are tougher but really not as hard as I thought it would be when I was smoking and considering quitting. My smoking brain thought I wouldn't be able to handle it if I didn't have cannabis to smoke every night. Guess what, it's working.

My meds have gone up but it's a small price to pay in return for freedom from a dependency.

Many hugs all around
#5
Hi there Sienna,

I'm really happy for you to be making some steps in realizing what is going on with your relationship to your body and feeding it. It has been a part of my trauma/recovery as well. I'm sorry that is a very stressful time and that you have to fight hard for yourself, but you are worth it!!!
I am still struggling with feeding myself and taking care of myself, so I don't have definitive answers.
But I do want to let you know that your feelings about not wanting to eat or that you want to be taken care of, are some things I have gone through for a long time too. I don't want to take away from your experience but just share that I used to try to eat things that were bad for me as a kid, hoping that my mom would end up caring about me or taking care of me. It never happened. It carried into my relationships where I would start getting sick, for no reason and unintentionally, and if my partner didn't care enough, I got sicker without trying. It was so confusing until I figured out the ptsd part of it.
It sounds like you are putting together the clues. Please do try hard to eat everyday, and it's okay to ask for help! Meal replacement shakes have been helping me for the last two weeks but I know the same thing won't work for everyone.
Just want to say again that you are worth the effort and care. Many many hugs
#6
Thank you for being there for me time and again Three Roses.

After I posted this, I stumbled on this video of a traumatized panther who receives understanding for the first time in his life through a special person who can communicte with him. It helped me feel better and I thought I would pass it forward

http://www.viralvo.com/how-she-transforms-a-deadly-leopard-into-a-relaxed-cat-is-beyond-my-understanding/

I found it through someone else' post about an angry cockatoo. Thank you to the user who shared it :)
#7
(TW!)

I have stopped my nightly habit of smoking cannabis for about 3 weeks now. It was hard to start, but I my willpower finally kicked in. I haven't been strong enough to take a break from it for about 2.5 years now. My GF and I have had a tough relationship since Jan/Feb this year, she smokes quite a lot, and it might end within the next week.
I know now that it has been really good for me to give up smoking cannabis. I use an app called  "Habitica" for keeping track of habits and it helps me see my streak of days I've made.
Of course, taking off the bandage revealed a lot of dark thoughts. Last week and earlier this week I was waking up and falling asleep wishing I weren't here. I have been using crisis chats, opened up to one of my friends, been 100% honest with my T. Although my FOO is messed up and stressed out, I came to their house to visit and get away from my loneliness, take a few days off from it and working.
My heart doesn't have a lot to say lately. I feel a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to push through it with exercise and reaching out to old friends, but god it is hard. It feels so scary and I worry about all the missed opportunities I've had for partnerships that couldv'e worked out if I hadn't always given them up. I want to open up to more of my friends so that I can get support, but I'm very afraid to. I've been having this struggle on and off for 9 years and I've been guessing that they won't take me seriously anymore or think it's just normal. Just wanted to share. This is tough.
#8
ThreeRoses & sanmagic: your responses helped me feel more grounded before he got into town. I felt a lot better to think about it much more simply. Thank you both for quick responses and your honesty.

2spirits: I've never been very apt at being my self around the FOO. They always say just be yourself, and sometimes that makes it worse to hear it from them. To hear it from a fellow on this board makes it feel safer. Thank you for your encouragement :hug:
#9
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Caffeine
September 21, 2016, 08:53:10 PM
Huh! I'm so glad we are talking about this, and that a handful of you have similar feelings about coffee.
I'm 24 and started drinking coffee to treat my depression, mostly. It's what I used to do things I didn't want to do, to cover up my emotional injuries or bad moods, get a better workout, or basically just losing awareness that was annoying to me. Then I started noticing that most of my problems with anxiety and fear were stemming from coffee as well.
I'm made a complete turn around to having maybe 1 cup of green tea a day, but also Chamomile tea throughout. Using chamomile and drinking a liter of herbal tea a day has helped me feel so much stronger than coffee pushing pushing pushing.
I also feel like o can trust myself more? Like the hero part of my personality is free to operate how she needs to, on her own will and time. My fearful self doesn't get to push the buttons as much...
Really happy for everyone who found a way pay attention to your needs.
#10
General Discussion / Re: Neuroplasticity
September 18, 2016, 07:09:31 PM
It's such a relief to be reminded of this. It is incredibly significant to me. I was a gifted child with a lot of abilities and potential. Until the abuse at 16. I feel I've lost so much intelligence since then, and that there is a shelf life to my potential. Thinking of a shelf life is scary. I like staying in the mindset that I can still grow and learn, especially in new ways, as a new person.
#11
 :heythere: hi there :)
I can relate to some things going on in your post. I was raised in a mormon christian household, as a lgbt woman. Lost my brother while he was on his mission serving, one of the "elders."

Most of my family is still mormon. I feel that I knew by the time I was 8/9 that the religion made me feel trapped. I so badly wanted to be close to god, to be remarkable, to be worthy of gifts like prophets or other scriptural figures. But I was crushed to learn that as a woman, it couldn't work like that.
By the words of my bishop at 16, I was told to repent for my sexual abuse. I haven't looked back on leaving the church once that happened.

I struggle a lot!!!! with reconciling the religion and what it did to my psyche.
I haven't been able to think of god as something real since then. But it doesn't eat at me. I think I might be numb about it somewhat.

What does staying devout in your church help with? What throngs do you still enjoy? Personally I miss the music and the community. I think about joining a "safer" religion to get back the healthy aspects I was raised in. Just don't know what church to start with.
#12
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Managing Surprise anger
September 18, 2016, 06:36:12 PM
Good afternoon from where I am  :heythere:

I had a sudden mood swing while cooking breakfast this morning. Then suddenly my vision started narrowing, my neck bulged up and feels tense, nausea / appetite loss, and a headache came on. I felt confused why this was happening and I wondered if it was the noises going on in the house, my gf's hyper dog, or that I was cooking and waiting for her to join me but she disappeared with the dog. Abandonment issue?

when she asked me about the food, I started stuttering badly and humbling my words, my thoughts got thrown like confetti in my mind space, and I couldn't say a complete sentence. I fixated on her upper lip for a moment while kind of disassociating. I felt mad and frozen. She spoke up that she cared about me seeming "uneasy" and I found my hand crossed over my chest to self soothe my skin on the upper right of my chest/shoulders. Does anyone else here do that? I was able to snap out of it by noticing.

I don't know, I got my feelings hurt somehow and the anger was ahead of me suddenly, like I wasn't paying enough attention to it to prevent it. Look at me shaming myself for not being on top of emotions enough, haha. :doh: I still don't know exactly why I was triggered, but I have had lingering negative thoughts about the past this mornin. 

I bowed out and told her she didn't do anything wrong, because she didn't. And I didn't blame anyone, especially the hyper dog who I have blamed in the past (trauma history there). I'm really proud of myself for making a change on that. He's just a rescue pup with inconsistent training, trying his best. His noises, nervousness, disobedience, etc are not enough not reasons for me to get angry and flash into scare mode.

Right now I'm sitting on a the porch swing on a nice day, reading a bit about psychosomatic pain responses and working on relaxing an EF. I still want to charge ahead with the day and not give up my time to hiding and ruminating which is something I've done a lot over the years.

Ultimately, I'm happy that I handled the anger differently and found the strength to own my emotions, and take care of them. Wanted to share and acknowledge it.
Similar experiences, thoughts, feedback?
#13
Family / dad coming to town today, need encouragement
September 09, 2016, 09:24:23 PM
After a blitz of trauma after trauma within 6 short months when I was 22, I moved home with my parents to find respite. I thought it would be really good for me, that I would finally learn how to get rid of the patterns that contribute to people abusing me...
I was wrong.
My dad became the villain in my life, as soon as I moved in. He would listen to my needs of what triggers were uncontrollable for me, I would emphasize that him being male made it a delicate situation for me and that I really needed him to come through for me and help me.
I was open with my parents after a few weeks about what had happened to me in my college town. It was bad. I told them details and my feelings. My entire sense of security was dead from what had happened. I wanted to heal. I went to therapy full time.
For some reason, the information I shared wasn't enough for my dad. He ended up looking for, and reading, my journal I had kept for 5 years.
He has always been a snoop and a shaming one at that. But this shook me to my core, and nothing has been the same.
I decided when I found out that he read my journal that despite the damage it did to me, that I would make it my chance to Come Out as gay.
It was well received despite their cult religion that discriminates against gay people. I held my parents to accept this about me, because after all he had been the one who snooped and made it be known.

I haven't spent time alone with him since then. I miss the dad I thought I had. I am still in denial that he doesn't exist.
He is coming into town TONIGHT and doing a triathlon close to where I live.
I don't want to flake out because I always do... for the last 7 years. I have missed so many moments, celebrations, gatherings, trips, etc etc etc due to my anxiety about how my FOO is. Typing this out, I wonder where I even have a source for being able to handle them. I mostly cannot.  :fallingbricks:
I'll be camping by the triathlon location tonight with my dad and his friend. I'll see the triathlon in the morning, then spend the day with my dad. Trying to not entertain the need for his validation or his approval.

I woke up with a heavy stone where my heart is. I had a grumpy morning and am wondering, am I asking for trouble?

What tools can I use to get through 24 hours with him, and prove that I'm capable of being a person who doesn't need his love OR his b******t?
If the answer is that I cannot, please tell me. I fear I am walking into the lion's den. :Idunno:
#14
Hi there A,

Going  through what you've shared of your story, I see similarities between us. I want to say that I'm so happy you are opening the door to healing and that you have taken a chance to share what it is like.
Having those flashbacks sounds really difficult, but I applaud you for getting through each and every experience you have, to this day. I believe you , and I believe in you.
I was raised in a cult as well, and my awareness kicked in as a kid. It is not something kids ought to go through. But you did, and I did, and I'm so happy to encounter your story at this time in both our lives.
Keep going, be gentle to yourself, know that you are already very, very strong for how far you've come.

I look forward to seeing you around here. You can do this.
#15
Recovery Journals / Re: recovery journal
September 07, 2016, 04:57:51 PM
I know this started about my girlfriend, whom I am still with, but in order to be better in our relationship and heal myself I have been dissecting the past.
It feels like a scrap yard of memories with a big wall I built around it. Some of the junk in my yard is missing peices and I want to make them whole again.
How do I know how/when to just let it go.
I want to be to the point of knowing if I should even be in a relationship for a few years (whether I currently have a good relationship or not)