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Messages - Kizzie

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1
Same problem Blues  :heythere:   What helped me is to run things by my H who is better at  recognizing when someone is shifting blame, behaving like a jerk, being abusive.  He has no problem is calling them out & not losing sleep over it. He does not let people shame him because he knows he is a good person. Like many survivors of relational trauma I wasn't so sure.

I started running people's behaviour by him that was troubling to me and hearing what he had to say and trying to see things through his eyes.  I found his perspective starting to connect with what my gut was telling me, that the person was behaving badly and I did not need to spend my time placating, listening, being accommodating, taking any responsibility ....  I could just walk away and not  internalize other people's behav.

Part of the shift involved really looking at whether I am a 'bad' person who should feel shame. I can honestly say now I am a 'good' person who is kind, respectful, considerate, etc., unlike many of the abusive people I have encountered. 

I've found members here to be the same in terms of kindness, compassion, empathy, respect, etc -  despite or maybe because we suffered abuse/neglect. 

All this is to say, maybe it's time to throw away that lens of shame so many of us developed because of the trauma we endured and look at who you truly are.   :grouphug:



2
General Discussion / Re: Walking on eggshells?
« on: July 14, 2020, 04:53:43 PM »
Hey dewachen, one way I learned to turn down the volume on my reactivity was I took an online CBT course.  I'm not a fan of CBT as a cure all for CPTSD, but what it did for me was help me learn to slow down and question my reactions before I acted on them.

When we were being abused we needed to react quickly so we could respond to the trauma we were experiencing & flee, fight, freeze or fawn to help keep us safe.  These reactions become almost automatic so we have to learn to  see/feel what we are doing, slow down and assess whether there is any real danger and interrupt that automatic response. 

This is the course I did  - https://www.learntolive.com/  - but there are quite a few out there now from what I can see.

Hope this helps  :grouphug:

3
General / Re: To Kizzie
« on: July 13, 2020, 04:40:15 PM »
Tks Sig, and no worries about not getting involved as recovery is first and foremost here and that's where our energy needs to go  :yes:

4
That's it exactly Slim, when other POV threaten our health and well-being as is happening in the pandemic, we must draw the line.  If it were just going to affect those who deny COVID protection measures that would be fine, but it affects all of us and it's clear individual rights do not trump the greater good. 

Reason seems to have fled a swath of people and in their case the law must step in IMO. Mandatory masks or fines, etc.  Same as seatbelts, no smoking, and many other laws we all live with daily. 

Yell all you want just put a mask on and physical distance. Oh and wash your hands  ;D

5
What is Complex PTSD? / Re: You Will be Found
« on: July 11, 2020, 05:31:38 PM »
I love it, gives me goosebumps  :grouphug:

6
You are here Gibzler and kudos to you for taking a risk to be vulnerable, we all know how hard that is.  :applause: 

I felt the same way and then gradually I felt safe enough to talk a little more, then a little more and so on until now the words flow fairly freely.

I hope you'll find the same thing as you become more comfortable here  :grouphug:

7
General Discussion / Re: Is there real treatment?
« on: July 10, 2020, 03:44:55 PM »
I lost a lot of time too and I know what a bitter pill it is to swallow  :yes: 

When I first started this site there was little info about CPTSD, mainly it was Pete Walker's book that talked about it in non-academic terms.  Since then the diagnosis has finally been made 'official', there's a lot more info and many sites, and much more research being conducted.

Anyway, on bad days, I think about this and it helps balance some of the grief with some hope.
 

8
If you feel up to it Bounty there are some forms you could complete and take in that detail your symptoms and abuse, along with some informational pdfs for healthcare professionals about CPTSD. They are located here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

Unfortunately Complex PTSD is relatively new diagnosis (at least officially), so not all in the field of mental health/medicine know about it.  It may be that if you can give your GP detailed info about your symptoms, how they developed and then info about CPTSD, s/he will refer you to a professional who does know about CPTSD for proper treatment.   

Hope this helps  :grouphug:

9
Checking Out / Re: Taking a little break
« on: July 09, 2020, 02:58:34 PM »
 :heythere:  See you when you get back  :hug:

10
Introductory Post / Re: Greetings
« on: July 08, 2020, 06:54:07 PM »
Hi and a warm welcome to the OOTS 'trauma tribe' nobodys_ghost  :heythere:  You're so right about how having a community helps. Relational trauma is often isolating because we tend to blame ourselves for what happened to us plus we don't want to be hurt again as you touched on. 

Here though we encourage each other to hand back responsibility to those who abused us and that's quite liberating  :yes:  In turn that allows us to look at what led up to our symptoms of CPTSD, to remember and deal with the trauma finally. FWIW many of us find we have to take it slowly, a bit at a time as it can be overwhelming -  slow but sure recovery.   

 :grouphug:


11
Way to go Phoebes, that's some serious boundary setting!   :thumbup:   :applause: 


12
  :yeahthat:   That's really hard to take Phoebes and for so many reasons, not the least of which is disrespect for you  :grouphug:

13
General / Re: Struggling and surrounded by narcissism
« on: July 06, 2020, 05:15:00 PM »
That's a great article  :thumbup:  That site has a lot of really good articles about NPD actually.  :yes:

14
The Cafe / Re: The Potting Shed - Part 2
« on: July 06, 2020, 05:12:11 PM »
Sat out on our balcony to watch fireworks the other night and it was like they were set to an animal orchestra in  between birds singing, cows mooing, dogs barking, coyotes howling, frogs croaking and crickets cricketing. 

15
General / Re: Struggling and surrounded by narcissism
« on: July 06, 2020, 05:07:41 PM »
Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Geeky Gramma  :heythere:  I grew up surrounded by NPD and have both CPTSD and health issues as a result. N abuse wasn't well known until fairly recently but now there's a lot of info about it thankfully and I feel like MH professionals and other service providers are beginning to understand more about how damaging it is physically and mentally.

There is some info here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2570.0 and we also have a sister site as Three Roses has posted. Same deal as here - free, anon, lots of resources and a forum.   

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