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Messages - Kizzie

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1
I hear you RR, me too  :yes

Pete Walker has an article that really helps me in which he talks about anger as deep hurt and grief over what we have gone through (or are going through).  The basic idea is that "safe angering" helps us to "redirect blame where it belongs" and lets us grieve.  Here's the 1st para:


Angering Diminishes Fear and Shame

Angering is the grieving technique of aggressively complaining about current or past losses and injustices. Survivors  need to anger - sometime rage - about the intimidation, humiliation or neglect that was passed off to them as nurturance in their childhoods. As they become adept at grieving, they anger out their healthy resentment at their family’s pervasive lack of safety – at the ten thousand betrayals of no-one-to-go-to for guidance or protection, no one to appeal to for fairness or appreciative recognition of their developmental achievements. [My book, The Tao of Fully Feeling, Harvesting Forgiveness Out Of Blame,outlines a safe process for angering out childhood pain in a way that does not hurt the individual or anyone else.] Angering is therapeutic when the survivor rails against childhood trauma, and especially when she rails against its living continuance in the self-hate processes of the critic. Angrily saying “No!” or “Shut Up!” to the critic, the proxy of her parents, externalizes the anger. It stops her from turning her anger against herself, and allows her to revive the lost instinct of defending herself against unjust attack. Moreover, it rescues her from toxic shame, as it reverses Erik Eriksen’s famous equation: “Shame is blame turned against the self.” Angering redirects blame where it belongs.

2
Sending hot tea, a warm cozy blanket, a  :grouphug: and a good book BB.  When I get  the "stress flu" (great term!) rest and less stress are what seem to bring it down.   :zzz: 

3
Eating Issues / Re: Binge Eating Disorder
« on: January 17, 2020, 05:34:31 PM »
Bluepalm, you write with such clarity, depth and sensitivity about this issue. In another thread on this issue we did talk about the idea of overeating as a way of taking up more space/becoming more visible, or undereating/denying as a way of becoming less visible/invisible so you're not alone in how you feel.  :grouphug:

It does all seem to come down to what you wrote San: 

"eat when you're hungry, eat what your body is hungry for, stop eating when you're full - have been drowned out by the messages about ourselves that have been piled on us by people in authority over us who didn't have our best interests at heart."

I agree that we need to figure out what we're saying to ourselves and replace those messages with more positive, self-affirming ones.  We need to counter these deeply held beliefs about ourselves, our worth and our place in this world and that means getting at what is driving our thoughts and feelings around eating, our trauma.

I don't want to try and do this on my own any more though. I think we need more compassionate people and resources, maybe an online program that deals directly with trauma and eating. I can't bear the thought of going to another group or professional that isn't, just can't do it, nope, nope, nope. 

4
Introductory Post / Re: HI
« on: January 17, 2020, 04:58:20 PM »
 :grouphug:  All the best Nalu.

5
Introductory Post / Re: HI
« on: January 16, 2020, 08:03:03 PM »
It's difficult because we're not mental health professionals and don't know your wife Nalu, but Saylor has given you some good ideas I think.  Her behaviour doesn't sound like CPTSD, more like something else was/is going on.

One other thing I would add is that going off an antidepressant cold turkey is most definitely a bad idea, even decreasing the dose over a few weeks has been proven to be much too short.  The new thinking is that the dose needs to be reduced very slowly over a number of months.

One suggestion I have is couples therapy, preferably with someone who is knowledgeable about trauma. It might help you both to get at what's going on, why things changed seemingly so abruptly. 

6
Eating Issues / Re: Binge Eating Disorder
« on: January 16, 2020, 06:13:49 PM »
Quote
what i kept missing was the answer to the 'why' questions - why was this happening, why do i feel like this, why do i keep doing something that doesn't make me feel good

Exactly San.  I know now it's trauma driving my overeating, my cravings for salt, sugar, carbs, etc., I'm just not sure how to get at the trauma part that's causing this behaviour. I can almost feel the trauma part take over -- at night in particular -- and like you Notalone I don't care about calories or anything, I just want the food for comfort, mostly carbs & sugar. It doesn't just feel emotional/psychological but very physical as well, like I need a fix. And I feel panic at the thought of not having that fix.  Honestly I gave up smoking and drinking and it was so much easier than this because I just had to stop something completely. You can't do that with food. 

Quote
I have an eating disorder (sorry for the pun, but still hard for me to swallow that one) as an unhealthy way of anesthetizing my feelings and damage from trauma.

I'm beginning to see my behaviour in these terms and also starting to shift towards the idea of loving myself no matter my size which is probably one reason Shrill resonated with me.  I'd really like to be more comfortable in my own skin and let go of shame.   

7
Poetry & Creative Writing / MOVED: My F.
« on: January 15, 2020, 05:09:11 PM »

8
Other / Re: PTSD After Dad's Visit
« on: January 15, 2020, 05:05:10 PM »
It's a gut wrenching reality to face Phoebes so it's no wonder you are feeling as you as do. It sounds like his exposure to your Nsm has ramped up his own N behaviours and together they are creating and insisting on an alternate reality as those with NPD tend to do.

At least you clearly recognize it and that''s some solid recovery so hopefully you can take some comfort in knowing you are moving forward.

 :grouphug:

10
Eating Issues / Re: Binge Eating Disorder
« on: January 14, 2020, 06:57:40 PM »
Quote
I also have been afraid to look at this for fear of someone (or even myself) taking away my security blanket.

It really is nice to speak about this openly, tks for this thread and your suggestion.  :hug: 

I binged watched the show Shrill the other night, don't know if you've seen it but it is about a woman who is overweight and starts to push back against the treatment she has received because of her weight. 

In one episode she goes to a pool party for plus sized women and  is hesitant to join in at first but then jumps in and you can just see the pure joy of being able to swim without feeling judged and to just have fun. There's a flashback in the same episode to when she is a teen and her family is on holidays staying at a motel with a pool.  She stays in the room reading a book while everyone is swimming, but later that night when everyone is asleep she sneaks down to the pool and you see her smiling as she floats on an inner tube.  I understood those two scenes completely.  Shame keeps many of us from living fully and I for one want to get over it.   :yes:    Anyway, good show if you're looking for something to watch.

https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2019/dec/15/shrill-review-taboo-smashing-comedy-is-a-big-fat-delight-lindy-west

11
Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Re: Social fears and this forum
« on: January 13, 2020, 05:56:44 PM »
HI Julia, the intent of the checking out area is for those who are leaving for a period of time or moving on so no need to post there if you're not on the forum for a few days or weeks.

Posting here is all about when you feel comfortable doing so. There is no pressure to post, we will be here when you're ready.   :yes:    :)

 :grouphug:

12
Tks for the heads up Snowdrop!  :thumbup:

13
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Help a child possible trigger warning
« on: January 13, 2020, 05:49:27 PM »
In all that I've read about trauma and resiliency in young people Julia, it only takes one caring adult to make a difference in how they fare.  Bravo to you for stepping up for him  :thumbup:

14
Sending another :hug: BB, will be waiting in the cyber waiting room for you once you've seen the doctor.   

15
Introductory Post / MOVED: More about My Trauma (TW)
« on: January 13, 2020, 05:42:58 PM »

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