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Messages - Kizzie

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1
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Bad EF
« on: June 13, 2021, 08:26:00 PM »
I know it's OK to not be OK, I just HATE that I'm not and I'm scared and keep rolling in and out of anxiety.  I'm trying to ground myself and practice self-care - what a fight against all my old instincts to dissociate (find I can't do that very well anymore but so wish I could), and self criticism and terror (reminds me how we must have felt as children - how on earth did we make it?) of being abandoned and rejected. 

Tk you for reassuring me it's OK for me to post about this.   I often feel a need not to for my own reasons (don't want to look at some things), but also because I feel responsible for members here, not scaring anyone, etc. Need to shed that latter part.

2
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: June 12, 2021, 08:31:45 PM »
 :bighug:

PS - Had my second shot last week and my arm felt like I'd been punched really hard.  It went away within a day or so - hope yours does too. 

3
Quote
I'm shakily beginning to stumble about, disappointed at the depth of emotional and physical pain that resurfaced with this particular flare point.

Me too Woodsgnome, me too.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

4
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Bad EF
« on: June 12, 2021, 08:28:23 PM »
Tks everyone, it's been coming and going so am just laying low and trying to practice self-care.  Geez I HATE that this comes back from time to time and knocks my feet out from under me.

Sorry, don't mean to scare anyone, on the whole I have far fewer and less intense EFs than in the past AND I feel like I am able to do things that help (be OK with not being OK instead of fighting it, reach out here and elsewhere, go to therapy regularly, try and let myself see what's triggering it, etc). 

Hope to post more once it has completely passed - tks again for being there for me  :bighug:

5
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Bad EF
« on: June 11, 2021, 03:37:44 PM »
Can't seem to get on top of this EF/anxiety. Have a session in an hour or so and hoping that will help.

6
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Bad EF
« on: June 10, 2021, 05:27:22 PM »
I'm not sure how much I can write about this yet. I can feel myself getting sleepy and wanting to go away and maybe I will honour that and just post a bit for now.

My trigger has been my son who is suffering from depression and struggling. He was doing better then hit a bump and retreated into himself and became very prickly and cold.  At the same time as being very afraid for  him, trauma me surfaced b/c he wasn't answering texts or emails and I started to feel abandoned and rejected, plus my feelings about my relationship struggles rose up and layered onto that.  I am mother and trauma me all rolled into one and I feel an anxious, triggered mess.

I do have my H to talk to and a good T so I have reached out to both and now here.   I am really scared I must say and having such a difficult time getting out of this EF/anxiety/overwhelm.  I do know my worst fears have been really triggered (abandonment/ rejection).

That's about all I can say for now. 

7
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: triggered and scared
« on: June 10, 2021, 05:13:05 PM »
Oh San, so sorry I wasn't there to add my words of support of care and support but I have been going through a bad time myself and unable to read or post.

I am so very glad to hear everyone's support including your T's helped though. You are a good person who doesn't deserve all the pain and chaos  :hug: 

8
Oh my dear Woodsgnome, I am sorry this is late but I have been going through something similar and haven't been able to read or post.

I do care though and am so glad you've reached out.  Many big, warm cyber hugs to you and I hope our responses help to warm the cold and bleakness and stave off the sinking.

I feel I am on a bit of a foundering ship at the moment and know what it takes to reach out in the middle of that - bravo to you for doing so my friend, it's brave  :thumbup:  You inspire me to do the same even though I don't want to put my pain/vulnerability out there so tk you.   :hug:

9
Symptoms - Other / MOVED: [TW] Self Harm
« on: June 06, 2021, 09:37:16 PM »

10
Here's a helpful resource I came across today for partners of survivors with CPTSD - https://couplesinstitutecounseling.com/love-someone-with-complex-ptsd/ (Note: While we don't allow partners to join OOTS, we do encourage you to read through our resources so that you know more about CPTSD and how to have a healthier relationship with your survivor partner, including looking after yourself.)

The incredible healing power of relationships as they relate to Complex Trauma has been well documented by neuroscientists such as Dr. Bruce Perry (1), who specializes in the impacts of childhood trauma and neglect and its impact on neurodevelopment, and Dr. Daniel Siegel (2) who has also well documented the process of neurodevelopment. What this means is that you and your partner have the ability to form a secure attachment in adulthood EVEN IF your partner has not yet experienced that in their life (3) -VERY EXCITING!!!

  • Perry, B., & Szalavitz, M. (2017).  The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: and Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrists Notebook: What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us about Loss, Love, and Healing.Basic Books
  • Siegel, D., & Payne, T. (2012). Bryson. The Whole-Brain Child. Constable & Robinson
  • Wallin, D. (2015). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guildford Press

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Moving Forwards
« on: May 29, 2021, 07:10:15 PM »
Quote
Also yesterday my T said - he didn't say 'should' - but he said that the more I work with allowing my feelings to be and to evolve in a safe setting, i.e. the more I actually sit down or remain standing, ground myself well and then do my therapy exercises the easier it will become for me to automatically remain in my healthy Adult of today and not allow some Part from the past to take over.

In the exact same place BB!  My T and I are working on "dual awareness" of what from the past is rising up and layering onto the present.  In the heated discussion I had after Mother's Day with my S, I can remember literally seeing my NB's face and hearing his voice.

It was then that I needed to step back, take a breath (or 2 or 3) and try to keep the two situations separate.  I could see this afterward, once I got through the EF, but at the time I just left my "window of tolerance" and dysregulated because I was overwhelmed.  At least I can see/feel this more now, at one time I would not have seen/felt what was happening at all.

It's progress but like you the next step is getting that dual awareness in play and practicing staying in that WofT.  Easier said than done as I know you know, but it sounds like that's where we're both trying to get to.  :hug: 

12
I saw that article too rainydiary and it shocked and angered me that those baby monkeys were put through that.  I guess you can justify anything in the name of science. 

While it confirmed how hard wired primates & humans are to seek safety, comfort, love, did we really need that experiment or could we have just asked real live adults who experienced abuse as children what they had to do to survive?

We all know on some level we had to turn to our abusive parents to survive at all, doing whatever we had to including making ourselves responsible for the abuse/neglect, deserving of it.  To bring this back to Bluepalm wondering "Why?", IMO the why can't be because our parents were abusive/neglectful, at least not when we were young.  We are hard wired so we must do what we must do. It had to be us because life would have been intolerable, dangerous even to put responsibility on those who owned it. 

Anyway, it angers me that those little guys went through that when there are so many human survivors to ask, who want and need to be part of unpicking relational trauma and figuring out how/why we took on responsibility for our abuse/neglect.

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Armadillo's Not So Trigger Filled Journal
« on: May 29, 2021, 06:33:29 PM »
 :grouphug:

14
I wonder Armadillo if there is a social agency you could get in touch with, tell them what's going on and set up wellness checks by them?  That helps with the safety/health/wellness issues so you don't have to be deal with any of that. Up to you about how open you want to be about this being a boundary and that you will not be involved with her to any great extent. 

As BB said, not being emotionally healthy she will continue to try and drag you back in, but this might be one way of making sure she does have care and is checked on while you work on establishing and maintaining more distance. 

15
Hey Bluepalm - I wonder if deep down you might still be questioning if it was you that deserved or caused their abuse (as we are led to believe/taught to do)? 

I didn't ask why for a long time because I believed it was me but as I've walked this journey I did begin to ask and it kept coming back to the relational trauma my parents suffered. I learned they had NPD and knew enough about it to know that doesn't develop in isolation, it too is born of relational trauma.  It helped cement for me that my CPTSD was passed down starting at some point in the past, at least with my grandparents and likely before that. 

Do you know much about your parents' history and their parents before them?

(I was just thinking we need more resources on intergenerational intermission of relational trauma so will see what I can find. May be helpful to know this did not start with us.)

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