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I didnt know what dissociation was, until it was explained to me.

I remember seeing a photo of my sister as a young girl with my grandparents and its a classic dissociative look. They are both looking at the camera but she seems in a trance staring into space into the distance oblivious of the camera.

When i was a young child, i was reknowned for my frown.......i wonder why???

Ive got a different take but similar.

I remember waking up ( i always slept with light on, as i was terrified of the dark) from a nightmare about same age maybe slightly older and thinking there was somebody outside the room or looking through the window. I would lie perfectly still in bed terrified, listening for every sound to confirm my fears and  that if i moved they would pounce or see me. Eventually id gain enough courage to get up and run to my parents bedroom or id knock on the adjoining wall trying to wake my mother.

Maybe my brain was processing the fear/abuse of that day?

I also have huge blanks from my childhood. My T said it was dissociation

Hi all,

Could i be so bold as to suggest you are all  describing a BPD mother. All borderlines are narcissistic btw.

Borderlines classically split their children into "all good" "all bad" etc. All are severely traumatised by the experience.

I would suggest  "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson. Tremendous book. When i read it, the scales fell from my eyes, somebody gets it. My mother, my childhood.It can be a very painful read and possibly triggering. Its recommended on OOTF as well. Only thing is its quite expensive to buy.  You can Google parts of it.

Its validating, as its not your fault,, IT WAS THEIRS.

Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent. Consequently, the child is programmed for a lifelong struggle against failure. For over twenty years, people have shared their own agonizing stories with me, looking to my journey for a sense of hope. The compassionate understanding and professional assistance in this book are a road map out of failure.--Christina Crawford

Hazy

Good luck to you sanmagic7

Snap!

Slow River,

My T of 72 "had" what is now called "DID ". He made it through years of therapy. He sort of speciailises in it .Now hes writing a book on it all .

You are not alone, many many people dissociate in all differing ways. I do it , but didnt reailse it. I talk to myself all the time!! Fantazing. I know my father does it "lost in his trance, just staring" . My sister to, but she wont admit it.

Addictions are a form of it too i believe. As in those moments when the high kicks in you can be taken away to another place. 

You should thank your little inner child for dissociating, it got you to where you are now. She protected you from the terrible pain.

Hazy

  Thankyou for dissociating my inner child.

I think anyone who has suffered trauma dissociates . I didnt understand i did it , until my T explained what it was.

In my early days with him , i did it a lot and i did the same , start apologising for switching off. 

I was told many years ago by another T " i live in my head"and i didnt understand and my current one said the same. Its just dissociation to stop the painful feeling.

A good way of thinking about it, is remembering the little inner child in you, did it to protect themselves from the pain and you should thank them for it . It was just one of the defences it had to initiate so you are alive today,

No one else was protecting the vulnerable little you, so you had to do it all by yourself with the only means you had necessary. Well done little you, i wont ever forget what you did.

Hi Nevish,

You have to put faith in your therapist and be open about how you feel. It sounds like you like you cant trust them yet . This is very common at the begining of therapy. Its called the "testing phase". It can last months.

If youve been really hurt, its hard to trust people again, as you think they may hurt you again.

It might take some time, but i would pursue it. Just talk about anything thats on your mind. A good therapist will listen to what you say and gently probe deeper when appropriate.

Dont be afraid, its the one place in life  you can be truly honest. Theres no come back, no retribution. Youre in a safe place.

Think about why you cant speak about these things. Is it guilt ? shame? Trust? Fear? Tell them why you cant open up. Why you feel so uncomfortable?

Best of luck Hazy

Hi Babysister,

First off

Dont want to get bogged down too much with definitions, she might have developed Borderline PD . The witch type by the sounds of it. She may well have started to act out her own self loathing on you her sister, as you were so young and defenceless.. PDs need to do this. If she has children then they will become the recipient of her wrath

Doesnt undermine your trauma of course.

This  is a description of the BPD Witch type mother.

Typical Thoughts

Unconsciously, Witches hate themselves because they grew up in an environment that "required complete submission to a hostile or sadistic caregiver" (2000). They continue the cycle by acting cruelly to others, especially those who are too weak, young, or powerless to help themselves.

Typical Emotions

They feel no remorse for nightmarish acts, showing more interest in their own well-being than concern over the way they've hurt others. The Witch's triggers include jealousy, criticism, betrayal, abandonment, feeling left out, and being ignored.

Typical Actions and Central Dilemma

Most BP parents do not physically abuse their children. Those who do probably fall into this category. However, the abuse usually occurs when other competent adults are not present. Thus, family members can live in fear while all seems well to the outside world.

Witches want power and control over others so that others do not abandon them. When someone or something triggers the Witches' abandonment fear, these BPs can become brutal and full of rage, even punishing or hurting family members who stand in their way (2000). These types of BPs are most resistant to treatment: they will not allow others to help and the source of self-loathing is very deep.

Thanks for your replies.

Yes he may have been a trauma . Its along time ago, but my life just sort of changed overnight. I was outgoing enjoying school, then the verbal bullying started and then this incident. Maybe i am just playing it down? It just had such a great impact on me.

I ve had other incidences in school, worse in a way, but with this one guy i suddenly developed an almighty fear of him out of all proportion to the incident itself.

When i said he punched me , that was wrong it was really he stuck out his arm as i walked past. I sort of joked it off and so did he.

I was feeling really down at the time, with the name calling and feeling really vulnerable. I think at that split second i went into serious "fight/flight"mode and never came out. Stuck in flight. Even when i left school i was still traumatised by it all.

I just thought it may have been projection and all my suppressed rage was projected into this person. I know this is what disorded people can do . They split so as all the bad is put into someone else so they remain good.

The point being also, was he looked a bit like me too and this played a part in the projection???

Hi Dee thanks for replying,

He wasnt really a bully. At the time i was subject to some verbal bullying at school and having a tough time at home.
I was thinking to myself , how do i stop this name calling, whats wrong with me. I was getting really down.

Then this guy just said something really innocuous to me and something inside me snapped, ive got to stop this. i started to get passive aggressive with him, by blanking him not looking at him. He wasnt bullying me though.

Then a few days later as he walked past me he sort of punched me, not very hard, rather a tap. I joked it off , said what was that about, but i knew what was behind it. He sort of shrugged. (But i actually wiped this actual incident from my memory for years)

But after that i was really terrified of meeting him bumping into him.  I started to get really paranoid about him, but he wasnt verbally bullying me like the others

He looked a bit like me. I just think about this a lot. I think my internalised rage at the bullying and the bullying at home got projected all into him.

Like i said i met someone 20 years later who looked like him and it all got triggered again

Does anyone "project" as in the pyschological term or aware they do it?

It started in my teenage years with a guy i had a minor altercation with at school and i developed a deep  irrational fear of him.

Fast forward about twenty years and i i get introduced to a friend of a friend and i had the same reaction. Instant fear and dislike of him. Nothing he said or did, i just got really really anxious around him , thought he really disliked me.

He looked like the guy from school.

Ive had it with other people too, but on a much lesser scale.

I understand this maybe  a form of "projection" in so far as i am projecting bad parts of my own pysche into them that i cant recognise in myself, like rage and hate??

So when i see them,  i am seeing/experiencing a mirror of myself. An angry person being reflected back, is basically me but i cant dont want to see it repressed it, as i dont want to recognise this in myself

Anyone else?

Brilliant

[i also agree that if you're not being treated for c-ptsd as opposed to ptsd, it may explain why you're not seeing the progress you expected or wanted. but, you're not the failure, a client cannot fail at therapy. when i was in training, it was pounded into our brains that whatever is happening with the client, be they stuck, not moving forward, having an attitude, being resistant - whatever might be going on with the client, it is always, and i repeat ALWAYS up to the therapist to take a fresh look at the situation and do something different. the fault and/or responsibility never lies with the client.]

hey, zena, i echo the thoughts and sentiments of blueberry and mourningdove.  very unprofessional, inappropriate.  therapists have supervisors or other therapists to go to when they're feeling frustrated for whatever reason, instead of laying it on their clients.

i also agree that if you're not being treated for c-ptsd as opposed to ptsd, it may explain why you're not seeing the progress you expected or wanted.  but, you're not the failure, a client cannot fail at therapy.  when i was in training, it was pounded into our brains that whatever is happening with the client, be they stuck, not moving forward, having an attitude, being resistant - whatever might be going on with the client, it is always, and i repeat ALWAYS up to the therapist to take a fresh look at the situation and do something different.  the fault and/or responsibility never lies with the client.

i'm very sorry she said that to you, making you feel worse about yourself rather than better.  that's not ok.  you're well within your rights to bring it up to her next time, and i hope, if you do, that you get an apology from her.  i know therapists can make mistakes, but if they do, they'd better make them right again. 

if i sound harsh, it's because i hate seeing clients come out of a session feeling bad.  always remember, it's not on you.    i hope any of this is helpful.  i wish you the best with this, and that it doesn't happen again, ever.   big hug.

Thanks SanMagic7, i think i may need a new therapist???!!!