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Messages - deptofhearts

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1
Emotional Abuse / Re: my story (long, TW heavy)
« on: January 05, 2018, 09:53:52 PM »
made it to the end and am actually amazed at your tenacity and resilience - AND I too am angry at yr mom. sounds like you all might have benefited had she been the one getting a diagnosis! keep up the great work in college if you can and stay strong with boundaries - we are so vulnerable with these crappy upbringings as we are in great need of affirmation and love.... and sounds like you, along with a lot of us blur the lines, haven't felt secure or healthy enough to say NO and walk away.... it does get better though. hope you got some good support. XXX 

2
hey Contessa, super sad to hear that... SO UNFAIR. I can understand you seething with anger - I know the feeling well.
I believe you and am amazed in your fight - you stood up for yourself and thats awesome. Like super awesome. Channel channel channel that anger! Writing, kickboxing, art... got to keep our anger from settling in us (all of us), keep it moving and processing. Especially when we've met a brick wall and we don't get the justice, but only salt rubbed in the wound. Great to hear from you and don't worry about hijacking threads, fine by me! we are never going to be perfect in a setting like this XXX

3
blueberry - ahh interesting.  yah then I also had a jealous/mean streak too - surprising when it would show up but it was rooted in being rejected and feeling inferior.

4
hi Gwyon, yes indeed - I have so many similarities to your story.... my dad was highly unpredictable and "mentally ill" booted my mother in the stomach late in her pregnancy with me (I get triggered by jolts and frights - which happens all the time in normal life, really sucks!), and my mum put up with lots and went into a serious depression for a while after I was born - she got a bit better and left him - involving the police and restraining orders... yet my mother was still distant - emotionally unavailable, couldn't process her own stuff let alone bond with a baby who needed lots of nurturing, as babies rightfully do.  Adding to this a certain sense of doom in the form of pre verbal sexual abuse (the body knows etc) and I have been left with soooo many symptoms and triggers. Although it seems as though I am doing well... underneath I still am confused by emotions - for so long was on autopilot and am very scared (aka, cannot) reveal my true thoughts to others for fear of rejection and shame. Pretty sure this points right back to lack of healthy attachment and trying to survive by being a loving non-needy kid so I would have my mum. Ahhhh am floating away now, get the dissociation when I first read your post - and came back to it to respond. But - yes, me too.  And keen to hash out the long shadow this crap has cast. I am shocked and saddened by everyones stories here. Why do people do these things....? (no answer needed, there is none)
I was abused and hurt but couldn't do this to my own kids. oh thats the other thing - strangely my *empathy* went through the ROOF as a child, for others - especially children. Became protective and a defender - even for kids older than me. Still like that now, people getting picked on or bullied. Sensitive, hypervigilant - yet numb  and confused. 
Anyways - high fives, such an eloquent and insightful thread this is.

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Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Bigger picture still eluding me
« on: December 08, 2017, 08:58:21 PM »
yikes Blueberry, am aghast that came out of your THERAPISTS mouth. sposed to be a safe place.... hopefully not a practising T anymore. Anyways, its garbage - a horrible twist on the truth, illogical and grasping for some sense when the facts are: people just do really bad things.
thanks for sharing, sad but good to know I am not the only one impacted by this in an already vulnerable state. XXXX

6
*triggers ahead *
hi Kat  - ahhh that sounds like a crappy situation, sorry your husband didn't back you up. Totally can relate to it all bothering you, myself having been affected by it... as a singer/musician I have been harassed, assaulted, raped and all kinds of sleazy guys (one stalking sleazy woman too) - they all felt at ease to do this. Usually with some authority too - and even speaking up, toppling these people from their position is very hard indeed. Having been abused as a kid already broke down my personal barriers and it was hard to stick up for myself and feel strong to stand up to it all. Its similar to being bullied and sadly becoming a magnet to other bullies in the future.
Soooo seeing these people speaking up and going into battle makes me happy! And angry! But mostly relieved. thanks for telling your workplace story, its hard. Am standing with you X

7
argh this sadly resonates with me too - way too much. probably should've heeded the trigger warning (I can be a like a moth to a flame, still looking for answers methinks)
 Anyway - I am super sorry you had all this happen to you! So young and so repeated from dodgy people. Should have a been a safe place. Family should always be the safest place.
 Great job on speaking up here and cutting ties...  be kind and patient with yourself. You are brave and strong X

8
hi Andyman73, I hear you, and stand with you. This too is for you!!!! #youtoo are a #metoo and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I purposely kept it gender free as I know and have met so many amazing men who are struggling with their abuse and are also trying to find a place to be heard and feel support... well, its here! And a few other places too. But definitely not mad and I am sorry its so hard to be a man and to feel like you have to crack through the pressure of just "handling it", "manning up" and all those other toxic cultural weights that don't bring life. Glad you are here and thanks for adding to the comments X

9
you're in the right place!!!!  sounds like a traumatizing childhood to me.
Standing with you! be patient and super kind to yourself right now. We are with you! XXX

10
General Discussion / Re: Is anyone a highly sensitive being?
« on: November 22, 2017, 03:52:54 AM »
omg yes! I have this, and find it incredible so many of you do too. I am a bit of an introvert and a musician but my multitasking around people is diminishing and I have to retreat from any noise fast or I get overwhelmed. Like a total crabby person.

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Hi Elphanigh, yes i understand - its everywhere and so unfair when we more than likely had no support to deal with it, then and maybe even now. I am standing with you!  XXX

12
Sexual Abuse / Anyone else getting floored/shaken by the #Metoo movement?
« on: November 20, 2017, 02:17:21 PM »
Hi lovelies. So this whole move of publicly exposing sexual predators in the workplace environment - beginning with Hollywood and heading into congress - its pretty big and is only going to get bigger. On one hand I am overjoyed as its well overdue (WELL OVERDUE) on the other hand it's shining a light on something so many of us have lived and are grappling with, bringing up emotions and memories. Whether we spoke up or stayed silent - whether we lived with those who enabled the abusers - this can be a huge, perhaps *unwelcome* reminder of our own scenarios no matter how long ago things happened. Or... it could look like there are people starting to stand up to mistreatment and abuse of other humans - and the huge misuse of power. It's ugly, and widespread. But we are not alone, you are not alone. Strength in numbers! #Metoo  XX

13
hi! ahh what a scumbag, abused his *trusted friend* status and then did that. Good for you - block him, avoid, do whatever you need, even if you don't confront - if thats what you need then do it. He did violate you and thats on him. So sorry that happened and the follow on confusion - but there is no shame for you, no shame at all. You didn't ask for it, even if you had meds - it is not your fault. Feel no shame in putting up boundaries. You can do it! Xx

14
Sleep Issues / Re: Sleep terror then terrified of boyfriend
« on: November 13, 2017, 03:27:06 PM »
hi Samantha - I have had that quite a bit, sleep terrors and especially after moving in with my boyfriend/husband, totally terrified for hours, beyond rational fear to go to the toilet - couldn't move, so many things. I used to watch heaps of scary movies, slowly waned myself off them as it doesn't help my imagination go figure hah).  But there is something you need to listen to for sure in your night terrors. Mine have slowly faded, haven't had one for years now, I hope yours do too.

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thanks so much Dee and sanmagic7, I really appreciate it. yes its a strange conundrum to find myself in - although its taken 19 years to tell someone (you guys x). He is not yet getting treatment - has been slack about dealing with it but I have spoken up fairly strongly about it. He has agreed to take responsibility for that for keeping me safe.
Apparently it runs in the family, can be a genetic thing but has not long had an 'official' label and is similar to sleepwalking with horrendous consequences in some cases. But anyways, I have had enough - its hard to heal with c-ptsd when you don't feel safe in your current space and get slingshot straight back to the feeling.

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