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prairie - that was actually going to be my next question re: how "regular" therapy and meds may come in.

I've had a rough week/past few days and ended up in a horrid mood most of yesterday. While I didn't go nuts on anyone and didn't go overboard with the binge eat, and was able to be productive, I felt like crying most of the day and into today. I'm finding myself wondering if maybe I should consider meds again. When I spoke to my doc 1-2 months ago she thought I was okay/my choice and wanted me to get started with EMDR first. After the last 24 hours I'm finding myself wishing I had some kind of relief even if its just temporary.

I lied a lot from a young age. Looking back with what I know now, it was because I was so desperately trying to avoid getting shamed and ridiculed and in trouble more. I didn't know when it was and wasn't necessary and I got caught in them so much and then just got shamed even more with an added layer that I was a dishonest person.

So I suppose, it is a symptom. If I'd felt that I was supported and accepted and loved, I wouldn't have lied.

You're not alone.

Thank you!

It really is something. Like, I can see how it's like you said- my brain is still processing and working even a week after the session. I am having new things visualize in my head which are sort of cementing or underscoring the healing. Which of course explains why I'm more tired than usual.

And, immediate win: my hubby was gone away for the weekend and I didn't flip out with anxiety. This is a first for me in 11 years of marriage. I made some plans for how to cope and take care of me and my two small kids, and reminded myself to go to bed on time and so on, but on top of that, I was just... fine. I managed things. My kids were great, and I was able to give them what they needed in terms of appropriate activities and rest, and they barely missed Dad. On top of that I decided to see some people in my family - usually very stressful for me - but it went amazingly. Some shame afterwards related to the usual stuff - I talked too much, I was too loud, I overstayed my welcome - but I've since been able to notice it for what it is and have kind of put it in a box to look at later. I see how much I was shamed since a tiny age, so now that I see how it comes out like this, I'm realizing I have a pile of similar things that I can look at later.

Above all, I was amazed at how much I had things together this weekend. The house wasn't a mess, and the thought of emptying the dishwasher wasn't crippling to me as it has been for so many years. I did laundry and folded it, and it was effortless. These simple things had been so incredibly difficult for me in past. I see now how ill I had been for so long, how I was just coping, just holding on by a thinner and thinner thread.

I can really see how EMDR has been best for me at this stage. As I mentioned, I'd done 5 years of CBT. That helped me exactly with that - my behaviours. I see from reflecting on my past and my mother that this is a crucial first layer to crack. And that EMDR might not have been that helpful if I hadn't done that.

I'm hopeful that I can be closer to whole again soon.

Glad I could be of help. I too found it difficult to transition to this T and go about finding her in the first place. I dragged my heels about it for a long time.. . started the search in August and had a free consult in Sept... didn't go see her til mid-Oct, but after that we were rolling. I found her through the Psychologytoday website, I believe. Reading her profile, getting my questions answered and of course the free 15-minute consult helped. Take your time. You're doing good work until you get there.

I will for sure keep updating. I don't have another session til early Dec, due to both of our vacation schedules.

Now that I'm 5 days out I feel mostly the same. No side effects other than as I said wanted to sleep a bit more, but today I was alright - only 8 hours or so and I was okay. No crazy overeating. Still having the unidentified sad feeling from time to time, and it seems to be moreso around my weight/appearances, so I think I know which targets I want to work on next time.

What kind of therapies are you engaging in right now?

Hi Eyes,

I was scared to, tho I hadn't seen anything on youtube. Just even reading one bad side effect got me scared. I worried that I would be debilitated by the side effects, worried about my kids and my work. Also I have to admit I was very afraid of what kinds of things could be unearthed by it. Lastly, I wasn't entirely sure how it was going to work. Those things meshed with, as strange as it sounds, a desire to just get started with it already.

So far I haven't had any side effects that are negative. My energy was fine, and there was nothing intensely difficult that came up during the session, though I did have some necessary crying jags that righted themselves with the adding of the good stuff part of the EMDR.

I had planned in advance that I would come home and meditate before hubby and kids came home (I do TM but not regularly) so I did that. Also we had pre-made dinner so that wasn't a worry. Then I did some writing which my T asked me to try to do, to cement in the messages that my brain made. I took it easy in the evening, just watching TV other than writing.

I was definitely tired. I went to bed around 930 and slept through to 630.

Today, I am much more upbeat than I'd been in almost a year. I did have a few moments where that familiar feeling - the one where I suddenly without warning feel sad and worthless - popped in, but it wasn't there all day as it had been before. I think that's a win.

It was so strange. Like I was dreaming but able to be a real waking part of the dream. Most interesting was how my starting target scene was so dark and rainy and even now when I revisit it, it's sunny and bright.

I really wanted to be skeptical about it all, but so far, this is living up to what was promised.

It did not re-traumatize me, but, I only worked on two targets and they were very early memories. Nothing incredibly painful came up.

What does your T say? Do you feel comfortable with them? I think that feeling comfortable with your T and their history and experience is key to it. I wouldn't be able to do this otherwise.

Hope this helps!

Hi everyone,

I just had my first EMDR session and it went really well.

My T had kept telling me I was in a great spot for it. I had done about 5 years of CBT a few years ago which she says broke through the first layer, which for me means I was no longer on my way to having a PD and being verbally abusive to my partner. Then a few years ago I started writing which my T said is breaking through the second layer which I think for me means having a place to express all the feelings that adult me has. I knew after a summer of regular counselling that I was done talking about things and that there was something more going on, and my T who I found in Sept agreed. After much dragging of my heels - although I have always been very open to therapies, this one scared me a bit - I finally got started and after a few intro sessions we did our first EMDR yesterday. I think it went well.

If anyone is considering EMDR and has specific questions I'd love to help.

I know I still have a long way to go but I wanted to put this out there for anyone who was where I was - knowing they need to do something but kind of scared to start something so different.

Have a good day, all of you strong, beautiful, worthwhile people!

Had my first EMDR session yesterday. It went well. Tho, I think bc I am so talkative, we might have been able to get through more. I journaled a lot yesterday night so hopefully that helps.

One day at a time.

Reading your post made me think of myself when I was younger. In my case it was my mom who was the person with the PD, though I didn't know it at the time, and was still thinking I was to blame, she was okay, etc. I actually moved out for my undergrad just to get away from her, but it wasn't far enough. I didn't do grad school right away but I'm doing it now, 14 years after I did my undergrad - it was too much at that time when I was still living with her.

I think you're ahead of the game - at least, farther along than I was at what sounds like the same point in time - so keep going. Work on you. Take care of you. Plan for a life away from the people who are hurting you. I wish I had done more of that back then... but I didn't know. Or, I was focused on what I had to do to survive, with what I had.

Best of luck to you.

I can relate, am looking for answers too. For me, it is that I constantly feel like crying but can't. Like, i give myself time and space to, but I can't. But then, I cry at other times. A cousin just got married and I cried throughout her ceremony and then when I had to give a speech. cried through the whole thing. I was embarrassed... I felt like everyone can see that I am wounded.

Hi All,

I'm still new to all of this, so please inform me if I've used the TW wrong.

As I said, I'm new to this. My story is that I've been depressed in some way shape or form pretty much since my early teens, but only recently came to understand, via flashbacks triggered once my kids became school-age, that I was made to feel intense shame pretty much from birth to my mid-20s when I moved out of home.

In my teens and throughout my life this has manifested as being inconsistent in my work - schoolwork, etc. I was constantly told I was capable of better and why was I not trying.

In my early 20s when I was finally in a good relationship the next thing was huge insecurity, and then basically treating my partner the way I was treated at home. I started therapy around that time and did great work in ensuring I stopped these behaviours. But I didn't, or wasn't able to, go deeper.

Throughout my 20s and 30s I struggled with binge eating and absenteeism at work. I was still in therapy so things didn't end up disastrous in either realms.

I was doing well for awhile.

Last fall my older child started school. Within months I was overwhelmed with just an incomprehensible feeling of sadness - like I wanted to cry but couldn't - and with no meaning to it, no reason. I started binge eating again but there wasn't enough food in the world to numb me, not this time. I started to almost violently externalize stuff - remembering things that had been said to me, asserted to me, from a young age - just bringing them up and looking at them with adult eyes and eviscerating them... but it wasn't enough. I went on a diet for a bit, and that just made me get even more sad. I put that on the back burner for now and am still medicating somewhat with food. I'd like to not do this one day.

I did some counselling via my workplace, and when I got to the end of that she and I agreed that there are a lot of hurts inside me that never ever healed. I'm now seeing a therapist and will be starting EMDR next week, after 3 getting-to-know-you kind of sessions. I am eager to get going.

I'm still learning about my CPTSD. Still figuring out and honouring and accepting that I'm not lazy or greedy or a bad person, that I'm traumatized because of the verbal abuse I'd survived as a child. Whenever I look at my kids, I see how horrible it was that these things were being said to me.

I had a good week early this week, a great week - very productive and on task with my work and my schoolwork. But yesterday morning, something happened. In the morning I somehow got into an imaginary conversation with my sister where I was trying to show her that all she and my parents did was abusive. Of course by the end of it I realized that to have this conversation in real life would be useless. Then, the entire working day and evening, I was just... inert. I couldn't start work, couldn't finish work. When I got hungry and starting thinking about lunch I was just rooted to the spot thinking about what I should get to eat, as I'd forgotten to pack a lunch that day. It took me 2 hours to decide. 2 hours that I did nothing else but think about lunch or think about nothing. On the way home I cried a bit. In the evening I didn't even open my textbooks, just spent a lot of time staring into the ceiling. I went to bed and fell asleep so suddenly I didn't even wash my face, take off my sweater or my contacts.

What happened? What was this? Anyone have anything similar happen?

I am seeing my T on Monday but I just wanted to see if anyone has experienced similar things.

Hi Again,

I just had my last "intro" session the other day. She explained to me what was going to happen and we talked about what my first target might be. We will be using the headphones with the beeps; I much preferred that to the vibration thingies.  I am eager to get started next Monday.

She also explained some possible side effects: being tired, as though I've had a big cry; being very cranky or irritable. It will be interesting to see what happens. She also advised me to try to hold off on binge eating if possible if I find myself reaching for it to numb myself, as is what I had learnt to do.

I'm feeling good about this and am looking forward to starting to heal.

Thank you so much, sanmagic and mourningdove.  This is incredibly helpful, and uplifting as well.

I will for sure keep you posted.

Has anyone heard of or engaged in Sand Tray Therapy?

Thoughts, reviews?

TIA!

Hi Everyone,

I believe I have a binge eating disorder.  Anyone else have/had something similar? How did you find relief or get out of the patterns while you worked on healing from your traumas?

Also, I have various auto-immune conditions as does my brother. I read somewhere once that this could be related to living with CPTSD but I can't find it anywhere / can't recall if it's true. Anyone have any information?

TIA!

2 more things:
- How many sessions do people usually need?
- I know I was hurting from the past but did I make things worse in myself by writing? I couldn't help it - it's the story that was coming out of me - but, I'd really made efforts to start writing down things that kept popping up in my head and then going back to write about them later. Did I dislodge something that should have been left alone? Sometimes I'm afraid of what I'm going to unearth. That said, in terms of my control on my life - living life as the REAL me and not who my parents thought I needed to mold myself in to - I'm doing the best I've ever done. And I'm not being horrible to my partner. And I am, he assures me, even and supportive and playful with my kids. But I am sad, and I find it difficult to move sometimes, and I binge eat, and I really don't want to do that anymore. AND i think I've reached the limits to what talking about my past can achieve, for me. I've gone over every memory as an adult and rationalized it but I can't heal from it, I still carry it with me. Maybe I just talked myself into not being afraid of EMDR... for now... but would still appreciate your thoughts. Thanking you in advance.