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Messages - TwinCinema

#1
Other / Self-abandonment re: oral hygiene
December 01, 2016, 07:36:33 AM
A major symptom of C-PTSD is proneness to self-abandoning tendencies, so I was wondering if anyone's noticed theirs in relation to oral hygiene.

I had decent enough teeth in early childhood, but around age 10, when my parents separated and I first discovered my depression and ASD, my oral hygiene began sliding further and further.
I would brush my teeth less and less often (flossing almost never).
In times like now, where I'm in a major depressive episode, I can only bring myself to brush maybe 2-4 days a week.

The vicious cycle goes something like this.
I know I have to brush my teeth, and I know I'll feel a little better once I do it, but I just can't bring myself to do so.
I still can't place my finger on the exact cause of the aversion, but it's there.
Maybe, maybe, I'll swish with some mouthwash, but I know that's a poor substitute.
I wake up the next day, grime still on my once-pearly whites, and feel shame and self-loathing for not just getting it over with.

Up until a few months ago, I assumed it was just based in "laziness" (or at least that's what my inner critic told me).
Lately, I'm starting to consider that it's a self-abandonment process, based on my dysfunctional household.
My parents would take me to the dentist every 2-4 years, instead of every six months as is standard.
I understand that they had a lot on their plates, but it still feels somewhat neglectful to space it out so long.

Last time I was at the dentist, I got chewed out (no pun intended) for not keeping up on my oral health.
He asked why I haven't been regularly brushing and flossing; I didn't have an answer.
What was I supposed to say? "Sorry, I didn't brush because I don't think I deserve it"?
On the way back, my Dad yelled at me in the car, triggering a heavy emotional flashback.

I don't want to end up with all my teeth rotting or removed, but these nightmare scenarios just make me even more discouraged.
#2
I appreciate you sharing your experiences!
Dysphoria sounds very painful, and I'm sorry you've had to cope with that.

What you said about struggling with perceiving certain thought processes as "misguided protector parts" resonated with me.
Over the six years or so I've been active on social media like Tumblr, I've seen several male friends shift their preferred pronouns from he/him to they/them, she/her, or even less common ones like xe/xim.
Furthermore, my DFAB (designated female at birth) cousin came out as a bi man last year.

I haven't experienced any form of dysphoria, but whenever trans issues come up online or in the media, there have been little obtrusive thoughts in my mind that ask "maybe you're a girl?".
I don't connect with being female in any way, but that part of my mind suggests that maybe I'm just trying to hide my "true feelings", even though I don't see my mind as trying to repress any part of me.
If it was, I wouldn't have embraced being a gay man.
Dr. Jonice Webb, who's written about childhood emotional neglect, has said that identity disturbance can stem from that sort of background. I think my case stems from obsessive thoughts and not having confidence in my opinions growing up.

That being said, that's just my experiences.
Your identity is completely valid and I applaud your attempts to acknowledge it.  :hug:
#3
Letters of Recovery / Letter to my inner child
November 19, 2016, 10:54:47 PM
Hey kiddo, I'm glad to see ya.
I want to tell you about some pretty heavy stuff, but if you hear me out, we can stay up and watch cartoons tonight!
That sound good?
Here goes.

This afternoon I was digging through the closet and found a family photo from Christmas 2000 or 2001.
Your face was scrunched up and distraught, struggling to hold back your tears.
Mom was squeezing your chubby toddler arm in solidarity.
I wanna be that supportive hand for you now.

I'll never forget that look on your face.
I spent so long trying to understand and reconnect with your emotions, but seeing your face made them all come flooding back at once.
I'm so sorry you've had to cope with this pain for so long.
You didn't deserve this.
You deserve so much love and being cared for, more than you realize.

I understand why you don't come out of hiding very often.
We grew up in a hugely dysfunctional family.
Lonely nights, mom and dad's bitter arguments shooting through the paper-thin bedroom walls into your innocent ears.
Sometimes we seem to go months without seeing each other.
That's not your fault.

I'm gonna help you come out of your shell.
If you wanna cry or get angry, do it!
I know it's hard to do so when there's always folks walking around this house and being noisy, but I'll always be here to listen.
Meanwhile, I'll help us do stuff like brush our teeth regularly and shower; all the boring stuff that makes our lives a lot better.

We're gonna work together from now on.
#4
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: I dunno if I'll make it
November 19, 2016, 07:06:24 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 19, 2016, 03:40:38 AM
i sure do hope those meds kick in quickly.  are they the same kind you took before?  did they help?

They're the same kind I was taking before the lapse, no changes to the dosage or brand.
After a few months of being on it, I didn't notice much of an improvement. It at least helped with regulating my mood a little; I keep a pretty calm demeanor, but on the inside I'm prone to extreme emotional reactions, so the medicine has helped moderate those a bit.

I don't feel much better than I did in my original post, but I'm gonna hang on and try my best to practice self-care for now.
My next appointment's in a week or so, so if I still haven't noticed an improvement, I'll consult him about next steps.
I'm grateful for everyone's moral support here!
#5
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: I dunno if I'll make it
November 18, 2016, 07:33:35 AM
Aw gosh, I appreciate everyone's kindness and wise words very much.
I wrote that post real late at night in a state of manic delirium, so I wasn't sure I was even coherent.
For some reason, I was too scared to read everyone's replies until just now.
Guess I was embarassed about how vulnerable I'd made myself.

Sanmagic7, I'm absolutely sure I'm depressed.
I was diagnosed around age 10 (seriously!) and have at least a couple major episodes every year.
I feel like I've been in one extended episode for the past year and a half or so.

I started seeing a psychiatrist in the spring and am currently on an anti-depressant.
There was a period of a month or two recently where I wasn't able to get a refill, so I had to take my mom's SSRI to avoid nasty side effects.
Now that I'm back on my regular meds, doc says I should start to feel better within a couple weeks, but nothing's changed yet.

I'd like to start therapy, but the cost and transportation logistics keeps that off the table for now.
I've struggled all my life to find compassion for myself - the only time I'm able to do so is when viewing through some sort of prism, like parallels to my story in a cartoon or film.
#6
Frustrated? Set Backs? / I dunno if I'll make it
November 17, 2016, 06:30:04 AM
I thought gaining insight into my childhood trauma would've strengthened my resolve and compassion for myself.
Instead, I've just further devolved into a blubbering, dissociating mess.

As I've talked about before on here, living at home triggers my EFs, memories of my dad's emotional abuse lingers like the smell of rotten fruit.
I know I have to get a job and make enough money to get back on my feet and back to Austin, but it all just seems so daunting.
It's not that I think I'm "too good" for minimum-wage jobs (I was working one in Austin), I just don't have the stamina anymore.
I feel fragile and weak on the best of days, the idea of breaking my back for little pay from unsympathetic middle managers is overwhelming.
My only motivation these days is fear, and fear's never been a constructive force for me.
Everything just seems impossible.

Here's a snapshot of how pathetic my life is at the moment.
I've been sleeping from about 4 AM to 2 PM, living life in a dissociative stupor.
I've been writing articles for different publications from time to time, but beyond that I haven't been productive in the slightest.
I spend most of my day muttering profanities under my breath while lying on my bed.
Occasionally I pause to listen to a new album or watch a video, but my concentration often gives in within half an hour.
I wait for my mom to get home, since she's the only one here who even halfway understands my dilemma, but she's soon pulled away by other family members or too tired to interact.
I don't have a car and all my friends live at least five miles away, so my only contact with the outside world comes from texting.
At night, I can push myself into watching maybe one or two episodes of my favorite shows, before lethargy takes hold and I shut off the TV.
I then spend the rest of the night reading morbid Wikipedia articles in the dark.
Murdered rappers, accidents on film sets, theme park deaths.

I kinda envy my autistic twin brother.
For one, he doesn't feel the need to live up to some ill-defined potential or be in the right neighborhood or social scenes.
He can just sit at his computer all day, watch YouTube, eat all the junk food I'm too health-conscious to ask for, have every need and desire catered to.
Sure, if I was him I'd miss out on a higher intellect, autonomy, not to mention more, er, carnal pleasures, but I wouldn't feel so bad all the time either.

Anyway, I don't have faith in myself that I can overcome this.
I have recurring nightmares of being 30 and still living here, even more helpless and hopeless than my brother.
I know my dilemma isn't that bad in the scheme of things, which just makes me feel worse that I've been raised to see life's speedbumps as unstoppable barriers.
I'm only 20 and I feel like I've already put myself irreparably behind.
I've screwed up the chances I've been given and I don't know if I deserve another.
#7
General Discussion / Re: Scared at night
November 12, 2016, 07:56:43 AM
Hey Lapis (nice Steven Universe ref btw), I definitely get your fear. I'm so sorry you're going through a rough patch right now.
I hadn't realized how commonly trauma affects sleep until reading this thread; when EFs disrupt the night's tranquility, it feels terrifying.

I've dealt with similar sensations before, after days where I've felt triggered in some way.
What I've done to alleviate my thoughts is listen to comforting music or watch something silly on my phone.
I'm real bad at meditation or mindfulness techniques, but I bet that could be an option.

As for the cuddling cravings, if your sister is uncomfortable with the idea, go for a pillow or a stuffed animal.
I held tightly to my plush of Mordecai from Regular Show; you might feel self-comscious, but your comfort takes precedence.

Hope you find the rest you deserve soon!
#8
Bullying absolutely counts as emotional abuse!
I've been reckoning with my own memories of school bullying lately.
Up until maybe 10th grade, I was essentially a social pariah.
My Asperger's traits made it difficult for me to pick up on social cues, but that still doesn't excuse the teasing and intimidation I received.
I even got called racist and homophobic slurs on occasion, some of which still reverberate in my brain when I feel low.

I'm glad you brought up "The Embarassing Question"; it's such a nefarious tactic, but it doesn't get described all that much.
You didn't deserve the abuse you were dealt, and it's a good sign that you recognize that!
#9
1. People feel comfortable confiding in me, even if they haven't known me for very long.
2. Eclectic taste in pop-culture.
I like that I have room in my library for everything from foul-mouthed punk to Muppets soundtracks.
3. I have a knack for performance. Theatre, improv, stand-up, I even hosted two weekly radio shows at college last semester.
I discount that about myself a lot, but apparently not everyone feels comfortable putting themselves out there like that,
4. Genial, goofy sense of humor
5. Compassion for those who aren't considered "popular" or "cool".
#10
The Cafe / Re: Today I feel ...... (Part 3)
November 06, 2016, 11:20:46 PM
Today I feel anxious, scared, and isolated.
I didn't take my Lexapro or brush my teeth last night, so my mind is beating myself up over that, my self-abandonment turning into self-loathing.
All my friends are either busy with school or at an indie music festival I really wanted to go to but couldn't afford, so even if I felt like reaching out to others I currently can't talk to them.

Also, I'll avoid getting too political but I'm kinda terrified about this week's election.
I already voted and campaigned for my candidate of choice, but knowing that so much of the country is rooting for a certain reality-TV host whose platform promotes prejudice against gay people and Mexican-Americans (two groups I belong to) is terrifying.
It's launched me into the mental trap where I feel like everyone's "out to get me", even though rationally it's not the case.
My guess is it's partially a holdover from childhood trauma where my dad and so many of my classmates resented me.
I feel fragile even on my best, most serene days, so being reminded that it's still dangerous for me to exist hurts.
#11
Music / Re: Music
November 06, 2016, 10:34:22 PM
This thread's been inactive for a while but I'd like to start it again with a song that's been tremendously helpful for me.
For those whose dysfunctional past has left them with a fierce inner critic and self-sabotaging tendencies, like myself, it's very comforting.
Author Nick Hornby summed up why exactly this song is so great:
"it manages to convey an earned optimism and compassion through the filters of truth and a sort of conversational sarcasm; it talks to you, and to sarcastic, compassionate people just like you, and me, because there aren't many of us apparently (although God knows why, seeing as sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable)."

"Hey Self Defeater" - Mark Mulcahy

"Never mind overjoyed, just start with happy
There's no more silent nights and no more horrid fights
Just get a new place and put a thousand miles
Between you and your wrong impressions

And OK, that's my opinion; not everybody else agrees
Hey self defeater
You're underrated by yourself so quit looking down

And you need attention, you really do
And I know that it's yesterday that you're blowing away
And something so sugarcoated like you
Shouldn't have to try just to satisfy

And OK, that's my opinion; not everybody else agrees
Hey self defeater
You're underrated by yourself so quit looking down

And what's over you has come over me
Drive around and you walk around
Wishing and thinking, wishing and thinking
I think that you think too much

OK, that's my opinion; not everybody else agrees
Hey self defeater
You're underrated by yourself so quit looking down
You're underrated by yourself so quit looking down
You're underrated so quit looking down and look up"
#12
New Members / Re: what's in a name?
November 06, 2016, 10:07:31 PM
My username is the title of an album by one of my favorite bands, the New Pornographers.
I chose it mainly because their music has a very humane, upbeat sensibility to it, which is something I try to convey in my posts and in my everyday life.
#13
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Home is where the EF is
November 04, 2016, 12:11:36 AM
(This one is kinda similar to mourningdove's "trapped in my hometown" thread but I was worried about hijacking that one, so I'll post my specific dilemma here.)
TW: mention of emotional abuse, economic issues

I feel like I've been in one long, nauseating EF since I've been back in my family's house.
Lemme briefly explain how I got here.
This past summer, I moved in with my favorite uncle in Austin.
It was a rad experience - I got my first paying job, dove headfirst into the stand-up comedy scene I'd wanted to join for years, and rekindled friendships with folks who go to UT.
The perfect steppingstone to the adulthood I've longed for since I was a friendless, traumatized ten year old.

It was initially planned that I would have my own room in return for my rent, but my uncle ended up getting another tenant without letting us know.
Because of this, he decided my staying here would be a much shorter-term deal than initially planned.
He ended up giving me a stern ultimatum to find a Craigslist listing or go back home.
Dude's a supremely chill bohemian, but this time he yelled at me and called me a name I won't say here.
I was absolutely demoralized; not seeing a possible way out of this since my job stopped giving me hours, I moved back home mid-September.
On my 20th birthday of all days.
Adding insult to injury, my grandma moved in with my family while I was away, so now I don't even have a room to myself anymore.
I spend my nights tossing and turning on the living room couch, any last shred of privacy or autonomy stripped away.

I feel as trapped, powerless, and isolated as I did when I was a kid.
Away from home for the first time, I had distance from my situation and validated my feelings of abandonment and emotional abuse.
All my newfound insight evaporates when I'm around my Dad raising his voice, or my autistic brother running our family ragged.
Dad's reined in his abusive tendencies some over the past few years, but just being around him makes me tense up in remembrance.
He still doesn't acknowledge the effect he's had on me, which makes me worry that I've made the whole thing up because I want an excuse for being a screw-up.
I don't have the energy to plan my next step, fulfill obligations, maintain hygiene & grooming,  or even do what I love like stand-up or watching Simpsons episodes.
Only in the past week have I been pushing myself out the house, to go on dates.

My parents (and my psychiatrist) are glad I'm back, but they don't fully understand how discouraging and upsetting this situation is for me.
#14
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hey, folks
November 02, 2016, 12:01:08 AM
Hiya! I'm a 20 year old dude who writes about pop-culture, performs stand-up, and plays guitar into the wee hours of the night.
I'm also learning to cope with C-PTSD, along with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and obsessive thoughts.

The latter three I've recognized and faced since I was 10 or 11, but C-PTSD is a recent discovery for me.
I first became aware of it a few months back when my mom referred me to a book by, you guessed it, Pete Walker.
I was initially reluctant to consider it; my mind pulled out all the classic excuses, like "Oh, I'm just being a baby!", "PTSD is just a thing for veterans, right?", and that chart-topping hit: "C'mon, it wasn't that bad!"
Once I began reading, however, Walker's insight helped me view my experiences through a new, more compassionate lens.

I'm still excavating all the various causes, but the crux of my C-PTSD stems from my dad's emotional abuse/neglect and the toll of looking after my severely autistic twin brother.
It sounds ridiculous, but I only recently realized maybe it wasn't totally normal to frantically scurry and hide when my dad came home. That maybe my merciless inner critic is a flaw, not an asset.
I just assumed everyone walked around with a similar sense of toxic shame.

I'm taking a gap year from school and am currently unemployed, so all this newfound free time has opened me up to a great deal of introspection (for better or worse).
Just articulating my thoughts like this has helped in its own way towards my recovery, and I'm looking forward to sharing and learning more here!