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Messages - kxCobra

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Friends / Re: How do you tell?
« on: November 11, 2016, 03:31:42 PM »
Thank you Three Roses! I appreciate it! :)

General Discussion / Re: i'm new.. help! please don't judge!
« on: November 11, 2016, 03:00:07 AM »
Hey esthergrace,

I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood and experiences growing up. That is terrible and no one should ever have to go through what you did.

That being said, I got out of my place of abuse around a year and a half ago, so I understand to a certain degree where you are at. One thing that has really helped me is reading the Hunger Games. That sounds weird, but essentially it is a story of trauma, more trauma, and learning to handle the after effects of PTSD instead of the heroine magically getting better and not having any issues like most novels portray them.

I don't know if there is really a right or wrong way to learn to cope with normal life out of an abusive home. It's tough for me because I don't want to forget all the lessons I learned from my abuse growing up. It felt like survival for me, and now that I'm in the clear it feels like a betrayal to myself to forget all of that and just move on with life. One thing that helps when I'm focusing too much on the negatives is reminding myself that I am not at the place of abuse any longer, I have a support group, they are all safe, and I am in a place where I can allow myself to feel safe. That last part may be difficult, but work at it and eventually you'll get it.

I was never physically abused in the sense, but I was raised to be a barrier between my Parent and those around us. I know what it is like to want to protect your siblings or those you love- sometimes it is difficult looking around and realizing the people around you don't really need protecting right now, and that's okay. It is all about finding a balance between the survival instincts and lessons that you learned, and learning to relax and enjoy the simple things in life.

Hope this helps, sorry if it was just a vomit of different cliche stuff XD

Friends / Re: How to explain PTSD to friends?
« on: November 11, 2016, 02:28:55 AM »
Hey Alice97!

I'm also 19 and am facing a similar struggle. My cPTSD is not terrible, but there are so many things I wish I could express about myself to my friends, but I can't because when I've tested the waters before they didn't really seem to get it, so I understand what you are going through.

My best advice would be to maybe not tell her anything that could get you into serious trouble, but when you're having serious problems, try reaching out to her for advice and see what happens. You don't have to label it anything, but be honest about what you're feeling. You deserve support in your life.

Friends / How do you tell?
« on: November 11, 2016, 02:21:18 AM »
Hey everyone,

I am so glad that I found this site. I've been seeing a counselor for around a year and a half now, and I can honestly say my cPTSD would be 10x worse if it wasn't for her. I experienced a lot of emotional abuse growing up from both parents- you could make a case for physical too, but it's not typical.

The thing about it is, is that my cPTSD isn't bad, and my family and I are very good at appearing normal to the rest of the world. Growing up, appearances were drilled in to me, but now that I'm at college I've been a little more liberal in describing my childhood to my friends. It's always hard, because I don't remember a lot of the bad stuff, I just know it happened. Reading now through the symptoms of cPTSD is so great, because so much of parts of me that I didn't understand, I now realize come from what I experienced growing up.

I wish I could talk to my friends about it, but I honestly have no idea how they would react. A lot of times when I talk about my childhood or my parents, they disregard it. I understand I could have had things ten times worse, another benefit of this website is reading other people's stories and appreciating the parts of my childhood I did enjoy. I still wish my friends could understand though that sometimes problems I have, whether it is with guys, or just being present in whatever we are doing, isn't 100% my fault. Any tips anyone?

Thanks so much for any feedback.

Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: A Message from my Daughter
« on: November 09, 2016, 03:22:49 AM »
I really really loved that!

Sleep Issues / Re: Are PTSD nightmares always of the trauma itself?
« on: November 08, 2016, 10:30:37 PM »
Trigger warnings!*****

My dreams are never of the exact trauma-

I also experienced psychological/emotional trauma. You could make a case for physical abuse, but it isn't super relevant in my CPTSD anymore.

Most of my dreams deal with the themes of my abuse/childhood. I used to really not like being touched when I was younger, and although I asked not to be touched, my mother would consistently touch me in the most controlling ways, grabbing my shoulders, arms, face, directing me where she wanted to go. To a normal person I don't think this seemed like a big deal, but because I was taught to believe her crossing so many emotional boundaries was OK, I guess I tried to put up a physical one and it failed. I used to have rape dreams all the time, where people would just use me up- they would pop up right whenever I had a particularly bad incident when she would touch me. (I was never sexually abused).

Nowadays my dreams are me trying to save the people around me and ultimately failing. In a sense I was raised to be the peacemaker and to make her happy/keep her(my mom,) from getting upset, so metaphorically this makes sense, especially since making her happy would protect my Dad from any harm. Growing up if my friend/cousins ever did anything that made my parents upset I would always take the blame for it too, so protecting the people I love around me is a huge theme in my life/childhood that is expressed a lot in my dreams.

Hope that makes sense!

Poetry & Creative Writing / The Victor- A Poem for a Broken Home
« on: November 07, 2016, 08:40:13 PM »
I've had a Hunger Games of my own,

You couldn't see it,

or hear it,

But I've fought to hold my own.

My Hunger Games taught me how to survive.

How to battle my mind,

How to see a false ally,

And how to create my own space without starting a war.

The worst part about my Hunger Games though,

Was that it was not strangers whom I was fighting,

But my own family,

My flesh and blood,

That fought to make me a prisoner of War,

But to the world,

a seemingly happy Victor.

I fought and won my freedom,

I revolutionized and escaped my arena.

And now, living in a world where Darwin doesn't rule,

But love, friendship, and compassion do,

I am at a loss.

I have cared, loved, and lost deeply.

I know what it is to feel the pain of a loved one at an overwhelming level,

Understand it is myself causing it,

And know that only my own sacrifice can heal it.

I understand war, loss, and the ways of an emotional battlefield.

I do not understand, or know how to live in peace,

Or to allow love, or compassion, back into my heart.

For me, love and compassion were weapons,

They were a pretty drink, laced with poison and hidden intentions.

So while I know what it is to fight for myself,

for my loved ones,

and for what I believe in,

I am still learning what it is to love and live without loss.

for the hardest lesson for a Hunger Games Victor,

is realizing when the Games have ended

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