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Messages - emotion overload

#1
General Discussion / Difference Between PDs and CPTSD
September 12, 2014, 12:13:39 PM
Quote from: Survivor on August 29, 2014, 04:00:22 AM
Thank you for the new forum!! I have a suggestion for an improvement though...I understand that many symptoms of mental health struggles are co morbid,  I read the what is cptsd and thought yep, that's me. And then I read symptoms of cptsd and thought is was similar enough to OOTF that it was more descriptive of a PD. those symptoms didnt really fit me but I could definitely identify with the other description of CPTSD. I guess I would like to see a stronger differentiation between cptsd and pd.

But seriously, love the new place!!!!

Survivor, I think that is a tough distinction to make.  I've been OOTF and reading non-stop for about 9 months.  Every once in a while, I still worry that I have PD.  For about the first 6 months that I saw my T, I asked her every session if I had a PD.  Yes, I agree there are many overlapping symptoms.  And it's hard to put into words that tell you the difference. Generally, if you are on this forum, it's assumed you are not PD, because they don't see to recognize themselves in the definitions.  And if you are in doubt, consult a therapist.
#2
General Discussion / Re: Disability
September 12, 2014, 11:55:06 AM
I am in the USA, and I had a very good paying job for a decade.  I understand there is a time frame for me to apply to keep credit for those years taht I worked.

I have obamacare.  It is $360/month with a $500 prescription deductible and a $1750 general deductible.  It's nearly worthless to me.  I think I filled the income section out wrong due to my SSI income that I get for my husband's death, and I'm praying for a more reasonable plan this year. 

I called a lawyer yesterday.  I hear mixed things - I have a friend that said try to do it on my own first.  But people almost always get denied that way.  So I am not sure what to do. 
#3
Medication / Re: Self medicating
September 12, 2014, 11:50:23 AM
MJ has never been my thing, and I have no idea how to find it.  My state is in the process of trying to legalize it medicinally, and  I can't believe I wouldn't qualify.  From what I understand, when it is controlled in a medicated process, there are different strands that might work better for me.

Today I have to give up the drinking.  It's gone on 3 days now, and once this supply is out, I need to stop. 

GT, I'll check out the article.  My T is aware of all this, and her first question to me is usually "how is the drinking?" 
#4
AV - Avoidance / Re: Peter Walker On Freeze
September 11, 2014, 04:43:12 PM
Pete has hybrid combos, and I am a fawn/freeze.  I need to get my notes out and post that because it fits me to a T.
#5
Medication / Self medicating
September 11, 2014, 04:41:49 PM
So, I have brought this topic up before.  It's apparently very common with those with PTSD - a reliance on alcohol or other drugs.  I was reading Judith Hermann's book on Trauma, and she mentions the two most common ways of managing the PTSD is alcohol and opiates.  And that is a very specific list, because they are both substances that take away the pain and allow for numbing.

I have had my troubles with alcohol since age 14.  In the last decade, I've had my issues with opiates.  For the most part, both of those addictions are under control because I've learned to numb/freeze without the help of a substance. 

I've had a couple of relapses on alcohol recently.  I wonder if it's because I am hitting so many raw nerves as I go through my trauma history?  The emotion is too strong and I can't numb the way I want without help.

All the PTSD literature mentions substance abuse quite a bit, but I find that I don't find that on the forums.  Maybe you all are stronger than me?  I would have to say that opiates are the freaking cure to PTSD, but unfortunately they are very addictive and not sustainable long term.  I've also read some research about using ketamin and hallucinogenics for PTST cure.  But that's a long time in coming, based on the stigma associated with them. 

Just curious - does anyone else have this problem?  Is it really part of the CPTSD like I think, or another issue?
#6
Depression / Re: Not motivated
September 11, 2014, 04:31:56 PM
I love the posts here.  Because yes, it does have to do with the CPTSD.  Somedays I am on the ball, the house is as tidy as it gets for me.  Somedays (and these days can turn into weeks), things fall apart. 

But yeah, I am going to remember the kleenex analogy.  No one wants to spend their time making the house perfect (and if they do, god bless them)
#7
General Discussion / Re: People telling you how you feel
September 11, 2014, 04:24:33 PM
keepfighting,
That is a really traumatic and difficult thing to go thru.  I dont know your sister, but I know that some people want to try to "fix" the situation rather than just listen.

I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to find the line between giving her freedom and keeping her safe.  I have a 7 year old, and it occupies my mind too much, and I haven't had a tragedy (per se) that has involved her. 

I hope that your daughter is healing as well as can be expected.  You don't mention her age now, but my brother had a palate expansion and extensive dental work at age 18.  (Thanks to uBPDm, who couldn't be bothered to do it when the procedure was not nearly so painful).  I know from his experience that it isn't an ideal time to have extensive dental/jaw work done, as you are off to college at that point.  Fortunately, he's healed and hopefully ok with it today (he's in his 30's now). 

So I know what you mean about people telling you how you feel, and I am hoping I'm not doing that in this post.  I don't mean to compare what your daughter went thru to my own (or my brother's experience). 

I wish your daughter all the luck and health in the world. 
#8
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Phantom Fear
September 11, 2014, 03:53:17 PM
I had never heard of the term dissociation before I read Pete.  And then I realized that I spend so much of my life in that state.

I've read all kinds of grounding techniques, and none really work.  When I did it at T, she threw a pillow at me.  Sounds nuts, I know, but it maybe was one of the most effective ways I've ever had to ground me.  I have heard about ice cubes, which I've never tried.  I tend to dig my nails into my palms, and that has limited effectivness.

You mentioned your child self.  I haven't done too much research into this, but there is a whole theory about this but googling failing me now.  I will try to look for what I am talking about and link it.
#9
Sleep Issues / Re: Nightmares
September 11, 2014, 03:37:11 PM
Butterfly, nightmares are a hallmark symptom for PTSD. 

I think I masked many of my CPTSD symptoms for a long time because of the meds that I've been on.  The one is seroquel, which is an atypical anti-psychotic but it is often prescribed as a sleep aid.  It is non addictive (as opposed to restoril).  For me, I believe it keeps the nightmares away. 

I know you have med restrictions now, so it might not be the best choice for you.  I'm not sure of CPTSD, but nightmares are very much a HUGE part of PTSD, as are insomnia and sleep disturbances.

I am sorry you have to deal with them.  Seroquel keeps most of the nightmares away for me, but then again I wonder about it masking the nightmares, and therefore, the healing.  Doesn't matter much, I've no interest in going off of it.
#10
General Discussion / Disability
September 10, 2014, 06:47:23 PM
So, I was at my T today, and they happened to be doing disability evaluations for other people.  It is something I have thought about quite a bit for myself.

My husband died in 2008, leaving me with SS payments that basically take care of my modest living situation.  The biggest strain is medical costs.  I have over $500 month just for medical insurance for me and my dd, and that doesn't even come close to dealing with the copays, deductibles and max out of pocket charges.  I self pay therapy (no difference really, my specialist copay is 50 bucks, and since my t is out of network, that is the price I pay without insurance.  Bless her)

I have considered filing for SSD.  I can't go to the grocery store, much less work.  But it feels like giving up.  My T said that I should apply, and if I get to the point that I can work again, I just stop the SSD and go to work.  I have a 20 year history of mental illness, 3 psychiatrists, numerous counselors, a diagnosis of PTSD and Major Depression, and a recently added diagnosis of IBS.  Having medicaid would be such a relief in that I could address my health issues.  Oh, and lets include the 15 years of substance abuse. 

Even in this post, I want to justify my reasons.  It feels like a draw to the system. Like I am playing it somehow.  Does anyone have any input?  Do you judge me for even thinking of going down this path?
#11
Depression / Re: Not motivated
September 10, 2014, 06:36:24 PM
Quote from: schroedingerskatze on September 09, 2014, 07:09:57 PM
Can you clone your therapist? She sounds really nice.

What you wrote has been the story of my life for the past dozen years or more. I'm jobless, too, and there's this part of me that thinks this means my place should be extra clean and super tidy. That thought triggers emotional flashbacks. I only realized this just now. I was depressed as a child (undiagnosed, of course), and I got a lot of emotional abuse for the symptoms. So nowadays when I get sleepy or sad, a part of me panics and wants to go into overdrive to prove my worth. Only, that never works, because emotional flashbacks puts on the handbrake on everything. No wonder I don't get anything done.

Maybe we shouldn't compare ourselves to people without CPTSD when it comes to how much we get done. If you've lost a leg, you'd expect things to be slower, messier, and less efficient than before. Isn't CPTSD like that? The nicest thing I ever read on the topic of "mothers and housework" is: "nobody ever had to go into therapy because their mother didn't hoover enough."

I really relate to this.  I kept my house clean as a child.  I don't recall my mother ever cleaning.  It's just hard, becaucse I want to feel productive about something.  But as it turns out, cleaning gives me no satisfaction.  I don't care.  I need to find something to makes me feel productive, satisfied, and whorth something.
#12
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Does it scare you?
September 09, 2014, 06:31:55 PM
I have been reading much on PTSD, and CPTSD.  I recently got Judith Hermann's book, and got thru chapter 1.  I recognize myself in all the trauma symptoms.  Basically, in the long run, trauma narrows your world.  I worried that I didn't have the intrusive thoughts as a symptom.  Hermann says that after a while, they fade and the primary symptom becomes the numbing.  People that haven't gotten to the ability to put themselves into the self trance (as she calls it), use alcohol and opiates.  Check mark here.  I don't need them anymore, because I have put myself into a relatively constant state of numbness.

I can't speak to nightmares, as I have been on seroquel for probably at least a decade - well before the PTSD/CPTSD began full force.

I went to my T in tears today.  Is there hope for recovery, and what is it?  She says there is hope, people do recovery.  It may be a long time.  I can't remember the last time I had anything other than just waking up to wonder when I could go back to sleep.  I have no joy in life.  That is part of trauma - you lose the pain AND the joy.  You stop planning for the future.  You stop caring.

I want to believe that.  I want to believe there is hope.  My T offers EMDR as the "cure".  I hope that will do it.  We have to go slow, because I am in a particularly sensitive time now. 

Does anyone wonder if it will ever get better?
#13
Depression / Re: Not motivated
September 09, 2014, 06:11:30 PM
I forced myself to go to my therapist today.  She said, I want to give you some perspective into your life.  You are beating yourself up for being stuck here, but looking at your story, it is amazing that you have held it together as well as you have.  You haven't done it perfectly.  But the fact that you come here every week, with more research than I have EVER seen any other client bring, means that there is something in you that is driving you to get well. 

I almost cried.  I do have a rough story, which I'm not sure I've shared here.  But she equated it to a whirlwind of managing a PD marriage, and then my uBPDh died.  Things didn't calm down from there, I then suffered a whirlwind of crazy in the 6 years since his death.  She said it was normal that I was where I was, and implied that it was actually a very strong person who would even try to come back from that.

I asked about the prognosis.  She said recovery is possible.  Sometimes it is longer than others.  We talked in terms of the layers of the onion.  If we can find the core, it can go faster.  But she will only ever go at my pace.

I love my T. 
#14
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Alone Time
September 04, 2014, 08:29:34 PM
Globetrotter,
I would be mostly ok with my solitude, but I have a young daughter.  My seclusion affects her in that we don't go out and do things.  Already, she is getting to be like me and resisting leaving.

The other issue is that I have trouble when I do have to leave the house.  Like when I have to get groceries, it can ruin my whole day knowing I have to do it.  That part does bother me, I wish I was more comfortable going out.

I've always been rather ok with being alone, but it's gone a bit far for me now.
#15
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Alone Time
September 04, 2014, 01:41:45 PM
I am also an introvert, and I am extremely isolated.  It for sure is part of CPTSD for me.  I consider myself relatively agoraphobic.  I have learned that this is a symptom of trauma in that we sometimes try to make our lives as small as possible, and sometimes, like in my case, basically stop participating in life. 

So I will give you an example of the amount of time I spend alone, and I think you will be relieved to find that your needs are way less than a pathological case of isolation.  I don't work.  I leave the house only when necessary (groceries & therapy).  My dd goes to school at 7 am and gets home around 4 pm.  I am alone all that time.  Every day.  Even on the weekends, my dd does her own thing, so it's like I'm alone.  I have zero problem with this schedule and do not get lonely.

This is one of my most problematic symptoms of CPTSD, and it has to do with anxiety and from what my therapist says, a tendency to general that all situations are dangerous.  She encourages me to go out and face my fears but I'm not there yet.

Globetrotter, I think your situation is healthy.  A mix of shared and alone time.  I assume you work too, so you have 40 hours a week that you are with people.