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Messages - bring em all in

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1
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Creep wants me to go back.
« on: October 27, 2017, 08:40:04 PM »
Dee and Three Roses are right- great advice!!!

2
I'm so sorry to read what a tough time you are having. It's amazing (and disgusting) how trained medical professionals can be so useless. I've been away from this group for quite a while, but I have been thinking about you and wondering how things were going.

3
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Brain damage?
« on: May 23, 2017, 09:53:53 PM »
I thank you for such a detailed reply!

I left out of my original post that sometimes I feel lost driving a few blocks from my home or on the freeway- things just don't seem familiar.

I can relate to grey outs!!

When I try to do anything remotely artistic my inner critic savagely attacks me- even something as simple as coloring- I'm tense because I have to stay in the lines- I get "paralyzed" because I can't choose a color.

Unfortunately, giving my brain rest and having times when I exercise it don't seem to make a difference. I am still in a sluggish fog.

4
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Brain damage?
« on: May 23, 2017, 07:57:20 PM »
I've been away from this community for quite a while and have missed it terribly, but I've felt so bad I haven't done much of anything. Lately my memory and ability to focus/concentrate has been even worse.

I truly feel brain damaged. Even when I remember something or figure something out my head hurts, and it's different from the sinus and tension headaches I've experienced in the past.

I'm trying doing things that are supposed to help develop/sharpen brain function, but that has been frustrating. One thing I've tried is playing an online game where they give you six letters and you make as many words 3-letters or longer. I've missed making words such as" men, omen, ton, ego, earn, out, front, brake, and many others. I used to be an English teacher, and when I was in the 7th grade I tested as someone with a second year-college vocabulary.

I just worked up the courage to look it up (reputable sources such as NIMH and Stanford University- NOT Wikipedia!!) and anxiety/depression, bipolar, and PTSD can be associated with changes in brain function. It can actually change the way the brain works/doesn't work by changing its physical structures.

The good news is neuroplasticity, which means that the brain can be rewired and function can be restored in certain situations and conditions. But the sources don't say how, they just convey the protocol of their studies and the results.

I'm not sure whether to address this with my PCP or psychiatrist. I'm only 53 and hoping this is not early onset Alzheimer's.

Does anyone have experience and/or knowledge about mental illness and brain function? Especially about how to develop/sharpen brain function? I can't see getting back to any kind of work until I get better from this.

5
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: can't work = failure
« on: May 23, 2017, 07:37:38 PM »
Add me to those who can't work. I've been in therapy and on medications for 25 years and I've been unable to work since February of last year. I am on disability retirement and under others' advisement, have applied for Social Security disability.

I'm frustrated and embarrassed about not working, especially since my wife is working 7 days a week, sometimes ten hours a day.

My memory and concentration are so bad I can't imagine working at this point. I swing from tears to verbal raging to just being numb.

I worry that if/when I am able to go back to work, nobody will hire me because of the gap in my work experience and the negativity associated with my last job (poor attendance, poor work performance).

6
I am sorry for your loss, and pleased that you are able to express your feelings in words and tears.

You can stop reading here if you want, but I have some thoughts about what happened:

I've had cats with major and even minor surgeries and my vet has ALWAYS sent them home not only with antibiotics but ALSO with a pain patch and oral pain medication. Add that your vet did not come forth with all the details of what was going on and I'm not sure I would take any of my other pets to that vet, but that is a decision for you to make.


7
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Totally overwhelmed
« on: May 03, 2017, 09:15:22 PM »
I am bipolar with PTSD. I swing fairly rapidly from up to down to just being numb and disassociated. The depressive periods generally last longer than the manic ones. I'm perpetually anxious and it doesn't take much to take it to the point that I feel like I can't take any more.

It's like that line from Samuel Becket- "I can't go on. I'll go on."

8
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Totally overwhelmed
« on: May 03, 2017, 09:10:21 PM »
Panic, anxiety, and fear now spilling into anger at life in general. Arggggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

I've gotta listen to the Peter Himmleman song:

Like the river flows, like the east wind blows
 You're gonna find your situation changing for the better
 Like the melting snow just let your trouble go
 'Cause you and I will get through this together

 Some days seem to drag on forever
 You need all your strength just to keep your head together
 Soon you'll see, things are gonna get better at last
 This too will pass

 Like a sprouting seed, you'll grow through this need
 but the things that bring you grief won't be forgotten
 Like an hourglass, this too will pass
 And what's hard as rock will soon be soft as cotton

 Some days seem to drag on forever
 You need all your strength just to keep your head together
 But soon you'll see, things are gonna get better at last
 This too will pass

 You feel like you've been chosen to be frozen in time
 Your body is exhausted, you feel like you've lost your mind

 But these eyes they see that you're nearly free
 And if you can hang on a little longer I swear you'll see it too
 Well, a prophet I ain't, I'm no mystic or saint
 But I promise you, my angel, I will see you through

 Some days seem to drag on forever
 You need all your strength just to keep your head together
 Soon you'll see the things are gonna get better at last
 For this too must pass

 This too will pass
 This too will pass
 This too will pass


9
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Totally overwhelmed
« on: May 03, 2017, 08:01:42 PM »
Thank you very much Elphanigh! It seems like I've been just holding on for a long time now, but for some reason despite all the suffering and lack of improvement with T and medication, the little ray of hope in me continues.


10
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Totally overwhelmed
« on: May 03, 2017, 07:50:33 PM »
I was active in this community but haven't been lately. I've been overwhelmed sharing deep-seated issues and memories with my T, alternated between manic and depressed, and experienced numerous bouts of verbal (and, sometimes to objects) explosive anger. I can't even my PTSD in my sleep as the dreams persist in shaking my psyche.

My T and I have discussed the pros and cons of inpatient, and my psychiatrist recommended day-hospital, but those options do not fit with my situation (plus I've already done day-hospital three times in the past 14 months).

To pile it on, I just received a letter from the IRS saying my 2015 taxes were incorrect and I owe close to $2,000 (due May 10). My tax preparer is looking into it, but I am so totally overwhelmed. The urge to drink has come on strong (I haven't had a drink since July of 1985) as well as the urge to jump into a deep body of water (I can't swim).

I will do neither. If I haven't done it by now I never will. I have a previously scheduled appointment with my T tomorrow morning, and I can hang on by my fingertips.

11
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: worse before better?
« on: May 03, 2017, 07:36:42 PM »
I'm not sure, but I've been vacillating between disassociating and wildly erratic with explosive verbal anger for about a month now. For me it certainly has gotten worse with exploring deep issues and memories with my therapist.

12
General Discussion / Re: I'm going Monday
« on: March 02, 2017, 07:04:39 PM »
Dee- I've drifted into a self-imposed isolation lately, but I'm glad I'm back in time to share in your good news and wish you good luck!

13
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: It's like a horror movie
« on: March 02, 2017, 07:02:20 PM »
tnicke05- I posted this lyric by Peter Himmelman in a thread of mine but I thought of you when I read your post:

You don't dance with your broken bones
You don't sing when you're alone
You don't fly when the air's so thin
And all this weight is closing in

Hey, this is the taste of freedom, yeah
This is how it feels when fate picks you to get
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels

All the things that you've learned this far
Could not have prepared you for where you are
So take your compass and face the east
To the ruins of the temple and the wrath of the beast

Hey, I said, the evening is falling
Like a hundred tons of steel

Now and the we get
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels

If I could do it, I would gladly bear your pain
But I know anything I do would be in vain
You must believe me when I say this all will pass
But for the moment your poor heart must feel like glass and

I say, hey, this is the taste of freedom, yeah
This is how it feels when fate picks you to get
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels

14
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / "Crushed"
« on: March 02, 2017, 07:00:11 PM »
I've been away from the community for a while and I missed it. My T encouraged me this morning to comer back, and here I am. I just feel so overwhelmed by so many issues. I've posred before that I often think/feel in song lyrics, so here's where I am today:

"You don't dance with your broken bones
You don't sing when you're all alone
You don't fly when the air's so thin
And all this weight is closing in

Hey, this is the taste of freedom, yeah
This is how it feels when fate picks you to get
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels

All the things that you've learned this far
Could not have prepared you for where you are
So take your compass and face the east
To the ruins of the temple and the wrath of the beast

Hey, I said, the evening is falling
Like a hundred tons of steel

Now and the we get
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels

If I could do it, I would gladly bear your pain
But I know anything I do would be in vain
You must believe me when I say this all will pass
But for the moment your poor heart must feel like glass and

I say, hey, this is the taste of freedom, yeah
This is how it feels when fate picks you to get
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels
Crushed beneath the wheels"     Peter Himmelman

15
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Hit hard by insight
« on: March 02, 2017, 06:52:59 PM »
What you wrote struck a chord with me. I'm a writer too and I find myself self-censoring when I should just let it rip. I read a book titled Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by Kay Redfield Jamison. It was very enlightening regarding how being Bipolar can "help" and hinder the creative process.

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