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["I can't believe how much I attacked myself over the years for being painfully shy and sad. I want to go back in time and get little me out of that situation! "]

I certainly can relate to this. The very few pictures that were taken of me, I had no desire to see or have. Unaware, until circumstances years later made me quite aware of my Ichild. That is when I asked for copies of the very few pictures my M had and when I noticed how sad and detached/distanced she (I) appeared in the pics. That sad picture is how I was feeling at the time and realized that IS my Ichild. It is as if I had abandoned myself (like they did), having not realized she was there, and to recognize and heal from all that she went through. Having been ignored in my family of dysfunction and abuse, the validation and focusing on taking care of me has meant so much in healing those wounds. 

Looking at that face and knowing all she had endured, that to my family was 'normal' stuff.  I had tried to be 'strong' and move on since you can't change the past.  Unfortunately,  years later those injuries to my psyche  as a child made themselves known.  I had carried much belief from that time, each and every day since,  that there was something wrong with me.  The pictures helped me realize me as a child and all I had working against me from the beginning. Helped me see how strong I really was and that it was time for me to take care of me/her. It is painful but not as painful as continuing to ignore those pains instead of healing them. Becoming aware and recognizing them as you seem to be doing is a great beginning. There is lots of info online about healing inner child that I highly recommend. 

For me, it was difficult to 'see' what I missed out on as a child since you don't know what you never had.  A book that did help me with that is 'Will I ever be good enough' by Karyl McBride.   The more I understood the better I felt, because like you wrote below, I certainly do relate.       

"I can't believe how much I attacked myself over the years for being painfully shy and sad. I want to go back in time and get little me out of that situation!  "

Hi Lucy,
I believe you too.  You are right that it does not matter how long ago it was. In fact, I believe the longer it takes to find someone who listens and can help the heavier the weight of carrying it gets. It does not go away unless it is recognized, validated and dealt with.  I had repressed memories too, always there and unknowingly affecting me every day with the emotional abusive messages that it leaves.  Especially as a child, who has no understanding or words and tends to internalize it as if it is them that is the problem.  This is a huge lie and heavy burden to put on anyone.  Until my memories made themselves known decades later in a visual flashback did I know to get help.  The best thing I did was find a professional counselor.  Also reading lots about CPTSD and trauma in general so I could understand and work on healing those serious unseen but very real injuries.  The worst thing is to not be believed, for it not to be validated and for it to be kept in the dark with no one talking about it.  I believe our society has much to do with that, which is not only very harmful to the victim, but also protects these sick twisted humans to continue severely harming helpless innocent children.  The children carry it for life in so many ways, while the perps go to the next child. The perps end up with more protection then the child.  Hopefully one day that will change.  Sorry, if this is too heavy a message and getting side tracked.  Yes, you can get healing. Put you first and take care of you.     

Hello jd,
I haven't been posting much because of my own 'stuff' I'm trying to sort out.  I'm always afraid that I won't express myself correctly, not wanting to cause pain and end up questioning everything I write.   But I read your post and your pain and frustration really got my attention.  I am near your age, had difficulty and left my career after years of investing toward it.  I thought about doing something different and after years, I am still thinking about it.... Unlike you, who have jumped right in which is very admirable.  That cannot be easy and takes much courage.  Kudos to you. I would do the same about not sharing with them more information then necessary, because it seems the majority of people have been socialized to compare and judge vs live and love one another.

I too am healing from my past.  Having previously stuffed all emotions down while being the strong soldier, I have learned and realized that healing is getting it all out.  A big step in the right direction.  Unfortunately, for me that has meant my emotions are very backlogged and all over the place.  I avoided certain people who abused me because they are so old now.   If I were to be around them, it most definitely would have come out, and if it caused them pain or illness, it would have been just more guilt for me to live with.  Definitely sharing it with my counselor helped, but even alone, for myself what started as anger ended up with a good long cry.  Those cries are long overdue and helped so much. 

Feeling any emotion was new to me but a good sign for me too.  Those emotions were never meant to be ignored at the time the abuse took place.  This is probably not very helpful with all you are dealing with but know that others here can relate, understand and would help you through if we could.  Please take care and don't be so hard on yourself.     

   

Rebel62, that must be terrible for you. I can understand that would be a trigger for you.  It wasn't very long ago either. 

Your connecting it (anxiety) to 'it's always been there' is familiar to me.  I didn't understand or recognize anxiety until my 50s because it was a feeling that was normal to me. Not until I started taking something and I felt more 'calm' was I able to distinguish it. 

I have though, since learning to drive, have always felt a huge rise in anxiety when an ambulance or police is behind or around me. Felt mentally and physically, like I can't get out of the way fast enough.    Your post has me wondering why I feel that.  I have no memories of anything from my past that would have caused that, but I don't have many memories from childhood.  Lately I have been reading about Myers Briggs and learned that I am introverted but my feelings are extroverted.  My feelings react to external surroundings.  I don't know if that contributes to the anxiety I feel. 

Take care of you.  You have been through so much.   

Hi Hope,
Like you I started reading a bunch of books, but I wish I had actively thought about how to work on feelings.  I am not sure where you are in your healing, or if this is what you are referring to.  I can share some things that have been helpful for me.  I am in my late 50s and only recently realized I had been stuffing feelings my entire life.  Counseling has definitely helped including group counseling.  Prior to that I was only aware of my two main feelings, anger and hurt which could be interchangeable for me. In group therapy they handed out a feelings chart to help identify all of the many others. We would deliberately share how we were feeling.  You can find those charts on the internet too.

Just naturally I started noticing my usual feelings (anger and hurt) in my long term relationship and was eventually better equipped to not react over certain behaviors that would normally trigger me into a no win never ending emotional argument.  I was always left to feel that my feelings are not important and are my problem.   I am now able to calmly and logically respond by explaining why and how it makes me feel, because I understand it better.  When he responds defensively, I remind him that my feelings are not about him, I continue and lets just say he is also learning his part in our dysfunction.  VS those circular arguments. New relationships I have found much more difficult.  With me being retired there are hardly any of those but a completely different experience. So I would say relationships are important in working through feelings and the closer the relationship the more complicated. 

Not sure if this will be helpful for you.  I am very impressed with your direction and bravery.     I was overwhelmed and not sure what direction to take in my focus.       

They could be visual flashbacks, they almost always come with ... physical sensations and strong flashback-like emotions attached I don't know how to tell... Sometimes I do recognize the person (my dad) sometimes there's no face if that makes sense?

That does sound to me like a visual flashback.  I had one that has helped me in healing. It was repressed memories from years ago.  I now pay very close attention to everything including dreams because I can tell I am healing from this stuff coming out. Emotional flashbacks don't seem to go away, but I can now recognize them for what they are. I'm sorry your dealing with that but I was told you have to go through it to heal it and I do feel that has been true for me.  I hope you have a counselor to help you. 

Hey there!

Post away joyful.  I believe we learn lots from others experiences.

Are you referring to visual flashbacks?  I have had that, but not random visual images. Not sure why, but even if I tried I have a difficult time trying to picture something in my mind.
Something that I try to work on from time to time when I can clear my mind a bit.

Are they images you recognize, as in a familiar time, place, person etc.? 

Hi kitty,
Welcome to the forum.  I'm fairly new also and have found lots of info and support here.  I'm sorry for what you have gone through.  I am familiar with our broken justice system and it doesn't seem to have gotten any better.  Hopefully you are not with that abusive person anymore?  I'm glad you found your way here.   

Before I realized I had cptsd I was drinking wine often, at night only for years.  I could stop at any time, did once in a while, but it helped me to relax and I thought it a better option then getting a prescription.  After realizing I had cptsd from talking to my dr, it was a bad idea.  I take a RX and stopped with the alcohol.  I didn't even realize it was anxiety until I was taking something for it vs alcohol.  Also found the alcohol contributed to my depression.   But there are still times when I'm feeling like I had a bad day I am tempted.  When someone else is drinking around me it can be anything but wine and I'm fine. But if wine is opened I want some.  For me  It is the anxiety which is a symptom I have from Cptsd.

Cptsd is not an easy thing to deal with, so don't be too hard on yourself. 

Hi Martin68,   

"I need help now"

I've been there.  Glad you found your way here. I am fairly new myself.  There is lots of info here and friendly support.
Welcome!

I have come back to this several times.  Validation is so underestimated.  Reading your comments are as touching as being heard the first time.

Jdog, thank you for the encouragement.  You're right about the bandage. There has been lots of hurt and with the exposure comes understanding which has been very healing in itself. 

Woodsgnome, thank you for your kind words. There have been lots of tears that had been held in for years.  I appreciate your support. 

Hi Dee,
I have done something similar in a small group.  We made a timeline of what we felt as 'major events' in our life. Not with detail, but in bullet format.  Mine was pretty long because of my age and experiences.  It was very helpful because many I had forgotten.  Those upsetting events that get passed over in life for various reasons. We then would take turns and share what was on our timeline with a bit more detail.  That too was helpful, getting validation from others for what we went through.  It was the first time someone said to me that what had happened to me was not ok.  I will never forget that and it meant so much.

Sanmagic, you're correct.  It can be overwhelming trying to cover what for me was lifetime in one shot.  But well worth it.  I agree about doing pieces at a time. 

If you do it Dee, please let us know how it goes...if it is helpful or not. Take care of you.

I really want to be supportive to everyone but I keep starting to reply to other posts and deleting because I'm struggling to find the right words.  I'm working to get there. Until then I hope it's ok if I post a poem that came in my head when I woke up this morning.

**could be triggering**

INNER CHILD

There is a part of me, hiding deep inside with fear.
She's afraid to show her face because she loves unconditionally.
Her hands hold my heart and guards it carefully.
Because she knows the pain she felt, when no one wanted her.

A world of violence and hurt, is what she was born into.
She never knew what would happen next, or if she'd have to run.
Always on high alert, never having any fun.
Not what God intended, but a lesson of free will.

Going to school dissociated, feeling all alone.
Not fitting in with anyone, not belonging any where.
The normal day to day, not knowing someone should care.
But in second grade, she found her mom a job.

She would sit on his lap occasionally, with no choice in the matter.
Someone was paying her attention, but feeling very scared.
He smelled like booze and cigarettes, him crying when she was there.
She was daddy's favorite, so everyone seemed to say.

Music was her only connection, to sanity in the world.
Thank God the songs were loving, about peace and getting along.
She learned the words, singing along, which was her quiet place.
Often wondering why that world wasn't hers.

I didn't even know she was there until recently.
She felt safe one day and came out to tell her story.
No one had ever asked her and she was grateful that he had.
As if a load had been lifted, and someone cared on top of that.

I don't remember feeling as happy and carefree before that day.
But it was very short-lived and wasn't meant to be.
At least I know that she is there and I need to care for her.
Because there is no one else that ever could, that someone will be me.

Hi Kizzie, yes that is perfect. I missed it. Thanks!

Just as a brainstorming idea, in case anyone other then me would find it helpful?  Brainstorm, because if helpful, I'm not sure how best or where to add on board.

What has and continues to help me most is identifying negative coping skills, whether my own or in others, that now that I understand I can hopefully identify and adjust in my own behavior in relating to others Vs reacting.  I know at ootf there are lots about coping skills with a PD.  But with cptsd, I have neg coping skills from childhood on top of no self esteem and poor boundaries, etc all of which I am just understanding as well and how it works against me. I recently posted about something that helped me in case it may help others but wasn't quite sure where to post. If anyone else thinks it would be helpful to have coping skills somewhere with successes or in general?  It won't hurt my feelings if it seems too redundant or no one is interested.