Messages

I adopted two orange striped kittens this last spring- both girls, which is rare for orange cats, and from the same litter.  Watching them grow has been quite the experience!  They both likely have some kind of larger breed in them, maybe Bengal from the markings, because at 6 months they are already well over the size they should be.  We think they're going to be really big and dwarf our seven year old brown tabby.

They're named Lyra and Pantalaimon after the Golden Compass characters [two halves of the same soul, for those who haven't read the book].  They sleep in the bathroom at night and come and approach us when they're ready for bed.  They like to sit in the sunshine on the windowsill behind my potted plants and are learning to be gentle with growing things.  When I was having flashbacks this afternoon they took a break from crashing around the living room to sit next to me and tried to be on their very best behavior, lol.  They were taking turns sitting on my stomach and purring and being really sweet, but it didn't take long for them to get distracted by something, usually their own tails.

Pan likes to go down into our bathtub and sort of scoot/flop around until she can slide along the curves.  She really enjoys chasing her tail in there until she gets too dizzy to stand.  She also likes being held upside down.

Lyra is a little more uncertain and she was really sick as a kitten, but now she's even bigger than her sister and doing great.  When she wants attention, she prances around and sticks her tail straight up and wiggles it furiously, and makes this high-pitched little meow.  Or she'll flop over on her back and smile at you with her teeth!

Daphne is our oldest kitty.  She is very set in her ways and is happiest when she has all her favorite things gathered together in a pile to lay on.  She likes sticks and feathers, especially from seagulls, and also crinkly balls and her brush.  She has a bright white belly and white gloves and go-go boots to match.  She's super talkative and sometimes mimics people's inflections.  Most of the time she can be found sleeping on the rug with her belly up, or flopped over the turntable where she isn't supposed to go, but which has become her territory. 

The kittens have a box in our living room that they've somehow learned how to get underneath, and they like to scoot around the living room chasing each other like it's a cardboard tank.  Daphne our older kitty loves watching their games and has relaxed a lot more since we got them and become much more playful herself, even though they drive her nuts sometimes. 

In therapy today another facet of the damage my n-mom did to me kind of hit home.  I don't even want to get into it, but she just made me feel so utterly hopeless.  It's an old feeling, and familiar.  I feel so heavy and tired. 

There has been a lot of stressful stuff going on lately for my husband and I and we haven't really had much opportunity to enjoy one another's company.  He's just got a new job which is way better than his last one, so that's wonderful and I can see a change in his confidence and happiness.

I'm trying not to bring him down during the times we're together but it's really frustrating because we can't be close if we don't communicate, but if I do communicate about how I'm feeling and what's going on with me, that usually doesn't work out and it leaves me feeling humiliated and rejected.  I either level with him and explain exactly how I'm doing and why, or I keep it vague and try to act like it's all good and I'm just a little tired.  If I'm honest he kind of shuts down usually and seems drained afterward, even though he does try to be affectionate or say something nice.  If I'm not honest he just gets really frustrated with me.  I feel like I can't win.

Tonight was the first night in a long time when I thought we might get a couple hours just to enjoy, but it turns out I'd forgotten that he promised to make an appearance at some friends' party and so after getting off work he did his homework, we ate dinner and then he pretty much headed out.  I didn't want to go and I don't think anyone wanted me there either.  I can't seem to manage myself at parties.  I'm either too friendly or too standoffish.  I do best if I just get really drunk and stay quiet, but I'm sober now and that's another reason it wouldn't have been good for me to go. 

I guess I just wanted him to say he'd miss me or something.  He just kind of reassured me that it would be worse for both of us if I went, since I'd freak out and he'd be stressed out too.  And then he worried about my being able to get to sleep without him etc.  In the car as I was driving him there we were trying to talk about how hard it's been to feel close lately, and I joked that I feel like his depressive wife who he just has to take care of.  But he just sort of laughed and said "pretty much."

In therapy today my therapist asked me if there was anything I felt safe hoping for.  I started shaking and had to calm down.  I was able to identify a two things I look forward to: coffee in the morning and getting in bed at night.  The rest of my time is relatively joyless. 

I feel like a burden to my husband.  I feel like he resents me, but he'll only admit to that sometimes.  It's better when he does.  Now that his work life is going better and he's spending more time with people capable of having fun I kind of worry that he won't want to spend time with me anymore.  Or that he'll find someone better or easier.  Someone who can actually be physically intimate without having a panic attack. 

On the drive home I was trying to think of things I do for fun or things I enjoy, and the list is pretty short.  A lot of the things on it are things I consider "technically" pleasurable, but I don't feel happy most of the time doing them.  I don't leave my house alone unless I have to for work, an errand or an appointment.  Most of what passes for enjoyment lately is anything that causes a brief respite from complete numbness or overwhelming emotional and physical pain. 

I know that so much of this is my own mental block but I can't seem to get around it.  It terrifies me to think of letting my guard down and most of the time I can't make myself.  And then sometimes when I manage it with my husband, if I am able to be vulnerable, he says or does something that makes me feel rejected or mortified. 

It's hard to want to continue sometimes.  It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I know that it's there.

I thought I'd feel more intense emotional stuff but mostly I just feel pretty drained and my thoughts are sort of halfheartedly darting around.  I'm home for the day.  I adopted 2 kittens 2.5 weeks ago and they're raising he** today, lol.  I find myself getting a little annoyed with them and then beating myself up for getting annoyed with them, even though my behavior toward them hasn't changed based on how I feel.  If anything I've been a little more attentive today than usual- probably spent at least 3 hours already playing with them since they seemed so riled up, not to mention a lot of time cuddling them and seeing to their basic needs.  I've spent most of the day trying to distract them from wrecking up my house!  That's honestly probably why I'm so irritated with them at this point.  I feel like every time I try to take a second for myself, I hear a yowl or a crash.  And if I'm like "eh, don't worry about it," I usually hear another one shortly afterward.

They're growing up really well, honestly.  I didn't realize how important that would be for me, but as a survivor of a bunch of bad crap in my childhood I'm super conscious of how I treat any kind of child or baby, whether human or no.  I think I sometimes err too much on the side of being overengaged at the cost of my own wellbeing, and if they are naughty I always blame myself and get mad at myself for not making the rules clear enough to them or not providing them enough outlets for play.

But the reality is they're kittens, so it's their job to be fluffy chaos for awhile.  In general they do try to mind as best they can, but there are a few hour-long stretches during the day when they just go into a berserk trance and want to ruin as many things as possible. 

I'm avoiding thinking about my FOO.  My therapist told me to try and identify my standards for any given situation this week, and then to cut them in half.  When I nodded earnestly, he set down his clipboard and said, "Another way to put this would be, just for this week, live half-a**."

Oh yeah, and I also just got married last Monday.  And yesterday I turned 23.  There's a lot of stuff going on in my life right now and I kind of wanted there to be to remind myself that my life isn't defined by not having a biological family in my life or by having CPTSD.

The kittens are both orange.  One was really sick when we got her but now she's better and she's even gained some baby fat.  I've been spending most of my free time with them and it really is paying off, because I think my partner and I are creating a really good bond with them.  And since I don't have a family or friends right now, relationships with pets are extra important.  I get a lot out of my friendship with our older cat, who I've known about 4 years now.

Yesterday I did some work around my dad in therapy, and how nothing I did was ever good enough for him, and there was never a way out of harsh discipline and abuse with either of my parents.  How scary and frustrating that was.  How many of my standards came from my best efforts to avoid being mistreated.  I felt really bitter that my dad shaped me in so many ways that stick with me to this day, and sad about the potential for a loving relationship that he, and both my parents, threw away with me.  I was so willing to love and be loved. 

But I was walking to go buy my cats a laser pointer this morning [I always felt like those were a little bit of a mean trick, but at this point I'm just desperate for anything that'll help them run the crazy out sooner] and I was thinking about all the ways I've chosen to live life for myself EVEN THOUGH I live with a lot of parts of me telling me constantly "You CANNOT DO THIS, or someone big and scary will know about it and hurt you."  I feel so afraid so much of the time about things like going in the grocery store and having a few dirty dishes.  And there are soooo many more things on that list that I can't even really get into here.  I'm pretty sure many on this board unfortunately know the sort of panic I'm talking about, and the message "I'll get in trouble," that comes along with it. 

But for comparison: I was raised in a very conservative Christian home where women were constantly demeaned and all kinds of abuse were normalized to the degree that I didn't realize anything was off until I had been living away from my parents for 2 years.  But even within that environment I was still doing my thing.  Since I was 15 I've been openly queer and agnostic, even with my parents, and since I first learned about feminism at 13 I've identified as such.  That was 10 years ago now.

I'm so proud of the middle school girl that looked her verbally, physically and sexually abusive father in the face as he drank his wine with dinner, his mood dictating what anyone else in the house could do or say, and said out loud that no man gets to determine what it means to be a woman.  I would argue with him and call him out when he said things that devalued women, even if it meant attracting his anger.  That felt worth it to me.  And I started calling myself a woman that year too, even though I wasn't fully grown, because I figured that if I could be disrespected based on my gender even as a child and expected to shoulder many of the household responsibilities traditionally relegated to women because I was the scapegoat and my mom took lots of pills, I should be able to claim what pride and empowerment women have created for ourselves.

Obviously this was not the way I would have articulated most of this then and I was still just a kid, but I'm proud of myself.  This day, the one year anniversary of the day I told my parents to * off for good, has been a long time coming.  There are lots of ways I've worked really hard and there are lots of ways I've gotten luckier than I ever thought I would. 

And who needs abusive, crappy parents and a narcissistic sister and a manipulative, demeaning extended family when I have a new husband, two baby kittens and an older cat who's the chillest person in the house?

 Has anyone here brought charges against their childhood sexual abuser as an adult? With or without success?  My therapist just mentioned a case where a client of his was able to use the testimony of her mother against her father and he was ruled guilty.

I tried getting a restraining order but basically was told there were no grounds. I don't speak to any of my FOO but if there was a chance this might work I think I could get my mom on board.

I would so so so love my father to go to jail for a long time for what he's done but I'd given up any hope that was possible. If anyone has any experience in this at all and it's not too much to talk about, I would be very grateful for your input.

I'm having a hard time today.  Yesterday night I had a bad flashback apparently "out of nowhere."  I don't necessarily know what caused it.  It was one of those ones that took up about 3 hours of my time just before I could get relatively stable, and I know it overwhelmed my partner a little.  Yesterday was our day off together and today is my day off.  I have been trying hard to do more things that are hard for me, like exercising and cooking.  I wonder if yesterday I overdid it.  Since Monday I've been shakier on emotional regulation but haven't really slowed down. 

Tomorrow I have work and therapy and my partner will most likely be doing homework until late.  Tonight I'm thinking of going to yoga but the class I'd go to gets out a little late.  I feel paralyzed.  I'm afraid of having another flashback.  Nothing sounds enjoyable to me.  Housework seems overwhelming.  It was hard just to get out of bed.  I think I will take a walk somewhere.  Maybe I will work on writing.  Also I will listen to an audiobook.  I am feeling discouraged. 

Sanmagic, there are apparently good resources free online and even apps that lead you through similar guided meditations.  "Yoga nidra" and "sleep yoga" are good terms to try. I'd offer a link, but I haven't yet tried any just because I'm thinking I need a few days off from deep somatic exercises after therapy and yoga nidra the last two days!

Another thing I thought I'd mention is that yoga nidra has been proven to help treat PTSD in combat veterans.

It's been said before but I'm going to say it again: wow am I glad this thread exists!!  I have a really hard time doing what a lot of people might consider "basic" stuff, too, as well as understanding when I should be doing something I need to do versus something I want to do.  Brushing teeth, brushing hair, cleaning up clutter, putting clothes away after doing laundry, and plenty more stuff.  I used to do all kinds of stuff for my FOO, and when I first moved in with my partner I went over the top doing it for him and all his roommates too.  But it's been downhill since then.  If I am doing a bunch of housework and cooking, it's almost always been a form of self-harm because I go at it so violently, desperately seeking approval that will never be enough.  It's been a way to avoid my feelings, rather than a way to feel good about the environment I'm in or about my body.  I'm heartened to know I'm not the only one, though I wish no one who has posted here had to go through this on top of everything else. 

I like the idea Kizzie uses of treating a younger self gently and encouragingly to get through basic self care tasks, though I'm still really intimidated by my inner children.  I also like the ideas of "state management" and reframing it from being a chore to being a therapeutic task that I'm worth doing, with a more process-oriented focus than outcome-oriented. 

Another thing that has helped me recently has been an article I'm linking to on New Synapse [I'm so obsessed with this site I can't even tell you].  http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911

It's about how people with CPTSD have to do some ground work before thinking about self care, because our concepts of "self" and "care" are themselves so deeply fragmented.  This perspective has made me a lot more self-compassionate lately, because now I'm asking myself: what do I need to do BEFORE self care?  How can I establish that I have a self, and that that self is worth caring for? 

I definitely feel like I'm starting to do things differently.  Significantly so.  That's cool and also scary.  I'm always happy for the reminder that persistence pays off, as it has in your case San!  I'm learning to understand my guardedness better, and learning when to let people in/keep them out.  But there is still a looooong way to go!

Tonight I challenged my agoraphobia by going to nidra yoga [sleep yoga] which is more of a guided meditation than an exercise class.  This was my first time actually taking a course at a yoga studio near my house that I've really wanted to check out for a long time now.  My goal was to visit in as calm a context as possible in the hopes that when I go next for an exercise class I'll already be familiar with the environment.  I signed up for an easy class tomorrow that is more movement based and should help me get back into the swing of things.  I used to love yoga and did it most days for awhile there in my teens- mainly while I was in inpatient.  But I've fallen out of the habit and don't remember much.  It's not like I was ever good, but I kept at it and enjoyed myself.

Nidra yoga was really different than anything I have done before.  I came out of it feeling really tired and the base of my skull is really throbbing and tense like it is when I'm activated, only I don't really feel too triggered and I might be less dissociated than normal, if anything.  I'm not sure why I feel this pain, other than perhaps I'm processing some of what came up. The meditation was like therapy.  I'm definitely going back- I am thinking of it as another form of therapy, another way that I can carve out an hour out of my week to focus on having feelings and experiencing my body.  It is more effective with repetition.  Everyone's eyes were closed, and I cried a few times.  I'm proud of myself for going and I'm really proud of myself for trying my best to seek understanding of myself and my body.  During the meditation the teacher kept reminding us that *outcome* should not be our focus, but *process.*  It really helped me get in touch with who I really am, with my life force, which is the point of this sort of yoga.  She asked us to focus on sensations like heaviness and weight, hot and cold, and then pain, which was overwhelming to me but beneficial, and then while I was still reeling from that she asked us to focus on pleasure.  There was a lot of focus on contradictions coexisting peacefully, and I was reminded that I am not my emotions or my past or my sensations- these things only offer information about my experience.  My body has recorded much more information about pain than pleasure, but that doesn't make it an instrument for measuring pain alone.  It has also been the only source of all the happiness and pleasure I have ever had. 

TRIGGER WARNING- ABUSE MENTION

At the end of the meditation, we were instructed to imagine finding a church or temple that felt peaceful and holy and sitting down inside.  Then to think of the first name that entered our head- this was our spirit guide.  The name that came to mind was not one I welcomed; it was my father's name.  The name of the man who embodied abuse and misogyny to me growing up, who was neglectful and drunk and verbally vicious, who belittled me at every turn and sexually abused me.  Despite my confusion and revulsion, I stayed with the image of him sitting down on another bench inside the church.  I stayed with my feelings and let them pass.  I felt calmer and then I felt proud of myself for realizing that I can learn something from this person who hurt me so much- I can take something for myself out of everything he took from me.  We were instructed to ask our spirit guide a question, and I asked "Why are you here?" 

But it wasn't my father who answered.  I was the one who answered.  He never opened his mouth or looked at me.  I was picturing him as a younger, fitter, happier man, more relaxed than I've ever seen him.  His ideal self.  And somehow that was empowering to me.  I didn't feel hate toward him, but I also didn't really feel love.  My feelings concerned only myself.  That was the huge thing: I was able to picture this person voluntarily and get something out of it, when usually I only picture him in involuntary flashbacks or violent dreams. 

I realized there were many answers to the question I asked him.  He was there because he was my father, and I always used to go to him for guidance even though he never once met my needs in that respect.  He was there because he abused me so badly that now I think about him every day whether I want to or not.  He was there because I am looking for him behind every pair of kind eyes I try to look into.  He was there because he shaped so much of my experience. 

And, too, he was there because I could handle him being there without judging myself.  Without panicking, without hating myself, without trying to understand what it meant.  He was there because in that moment I was able to accept that he is one of the ghosts that haunts me, and I was able to stay curious not about him but about what matters: my relationship to him. 

I don't talk to my father.  I don't condone or forgive him for any of his horrific behavior toward me.  But he's not going to just go away because he makes me uncomfortable.  He comes up all the time and it seems he never pops up on my terms- but tonight in meditation, that's precisely what happened.  My worst fear came into fruition: my father appearing in my head at a time when I am trying to relax.  And you know what?  I stayed relaxed.  I got something out of it.  I more deeply accept and understand that this is going to happen, and it makes sense that it does, and that I am capable of getting something good out of it for myself.  I didn't have to shove my emotions down, either.  I just let them pass.

We were then instructed to imagine leaving the church or temple, and to imagine that there was a little table by the door.  If there was anything on the table, then it meant the spirit guide had left us a gift.  I unwrapped a silver circlet.  We had just talked about a band around the head that has to do with glandular function [I don't know much about yoga, I can't remember the exact context!] and this made me think of that in terms of bodily regulation, but also a unified mind from back to front, and of course the obvious connotation of rulership. 

It felt very empowering to receive that symbol from the symbol of my father.  I felt so grateful that deep parts of me have incorporated these associations when my more conscious mind still struggles with them.  At the same time I reminded myself: that crown was never his to begin with.  It always belonged to me.  And he never really took it, he just hurt me so badly that I've had to hide it and many other parts of myself away so well that even I can't always remember where.  And I didn't need him to give it back to me, and this exercise was really me giving it back to me. 

We were told to imagine going outside and watching a farmer till the earth, and then feeling the earth and planting seeds in it that represented our desires for ourselves.  My seeds were the wishes to embrace uncertainty, to learn to feel my body and emotions again, plenty of other inarticulate wishes that manifested in unusual somatic sensations, and then I buried the silver circlet that I'd been given alongside them.  I want my empowerment to grow.  I want my understanding to grow.  A holistic understanding that can be done with the body and the spirit, not just the mind.

I could go into the rest of it, but there was kind of a lot.  That was just a very helpful part. 

And last night I dreamed about my father, too.  I dreamed he cornered me in a room, but I wasn't afraid.  I kept my adult body in the dream.  When he tried to manipulate me or grab me, I fought him and hurt him and won, and it wasn't hard.  It was a good dream. 

I tend to get really triggered and have emotional flashbacks at work. I work in a food cart so I'm not legally entitled to breaks, and the quarters are close.  Also, I'm usually in charge of both taking orders and cooking unless I'm working with another person. Sometimes it's just really hard to deal with customers, especially the ones who watch me work from the window. I find myself getting irrationally enraged at the men who do this especially even though they're just waiting for their food or waiting to order. 

Often it's just not possible for me to take a step back and calm down if something sets me off. I'll get an order and another and another and if I don't focus on timing things don't go so well. So that has to be my priority, and there isn't usually much mental space left to do anything other than try not to beat myself up for panicking. 

Then when they're finally all gone I often notice I'm even more agitated  than before but it's cloaked beneath a dissociation that makes me clumsy and forgetful.

I get really resentful of anyone who speaks to me or wants to order something when I'm just trying to calm down. I know it's not fair - plenty of our customers are really nice, and I can count on one hand the number of really nasty incidents I deal with in a year at this job. But it's really hard when I can't even grab 5 minutes to recenter, and then the longer it goes on the more time I need to care for myself after.  A lot of the time I am left exhausted at the end of the day in a way that's not normal - a "raw" and hopeless feeling that makes me want to hide from everyone and curl up and try to sleep or just not think.

I know it's not anyone's fault, but I get really discouraged sometimes when things take waaaaaay more energy for me than they seem to for most people.  Like going to the grocery store.  Nobody I know really likes doing it,  but when I go grocery shopping that's it,  that's my Important Thing That I Can Do Today.  Emotional flashbacks have a lot to do with the immense energy drain of CPTSD imo.

Today I walked into therapy and was straight up about the fact that I've felt uncomfortable opening up during sessions since we tried an exercise that triggered me about a month ago.  My therapist was totally chill about it, and I explained to him what triggered me and that I'm just too sensitive right now about anything that could feed into the cognitive distortions I had to set up around my FOO in order to continue suppressing memories of abuse.  It's been a hard year for me addressing any of this for the first time.  In the past I literally could not remember so much of my childhood.  This victory, the victory of having gained the right to slow down and deal with this in the open, still feels hard-won, and so I'm protecting it jealously even from people who are trying to help me have more peace around it.

At any rate, he understood and said it made sense that I reacted that way and that I'd have a knee-jerk reaction to protect myself.  Now that he knows about that trigger, I'm sure we'll have a more clear conversation about what to expect before approaching thought experiments like that in the future.  That conversation took all of about five minutes and I came away feeling good about it and proud of myself for being assertive without losing my *.  What I then started thinking about was just that we could have had that SAME conversation a month ago right after or even DURING the exercise that made me so upset. 

I know hindsight is 20/20, but I really wish that I had spoken up then because it would have saved me a fair amount of uncertainty over the last few weeks, not to mention I would have been getting much more out of therapy if I could have allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I'm not blaming myself for not doing that- it simply didn't occur to me as an option because of my avoidant tendencies.

This situation sort of exemplifies the issues I find myself facing on that front, though- someone I know to be trustworthy made a mistake, and I pulled back so hard that I didn't really get much out of therapy for three whole weeks!  It's one thing to get triggered, but my fear of being hurt while vulnerable caused me to react disproportionately to a situation that was resolved today during a casual 5 minute conversation.  Not everyone deserves forgiveness, but the fact is my therapist has proven himself to be caring and trustworthy countless times and has taught me a lot about empathy and listening just from the way he empathizes with and listens to me.  I was angry with him for violating my trust on some level, and then I projected it onto him so that I could feel "justified" being angry at him.  When all it took to clear the air and restore that trust was a short, assertive conversation about what specifically had triggered me and why that particular trigger was so much more upsetting than most.

It helps me to write out how this all went down, because it's not an unfamiliar pattern.  I would like to get better at "leaps of faith" emotionally- that is, reminding myself when I'm getting ready to go into full on "* everyone, they just want to hurt me, I'm gonna shut everyone out and be pissed off at everyone and everything" mode, that the people I have tentatively placed some trust in at this point in my life are generally pretty deserving of that trust.  I know, because I've cut off pretty much everyone this last year.  No more FOO.  No more toxic "friends."  Not that I had many to begin with.  I have my partner, I work with two other people sometimes, and I see my boss and my therapist and that's literally it.  So not counting my work, there's my partner and my therapist. 

Ideally in the future there will be more people, but until I can let them in in a healthy way there's not much of a point going crazy looking for friends.  This is a time in my life when I'm trying to get myself in order, and that's enough of a responsibility.  I guess what I'm trying to say is, there are very few people in my life at all right now, and all of them are here because they passed my rigid, fed-up-with-narcissists parameters.  Not that they're all unconditionally deserving of trust, but that they all DO deserve the benefit of the doubt I so rarely extend to them. 

My partner in particular spends lots of time gaining and regaining my trust, only to have me pull back when he makes a mistake that scares me.  Intimacy isn't one-sided.  Just because I don't feel very comfortable with vulnerability and intimacy doesn't mean I get to let the other person shoulder all responsibility for what happens when I feel vulnerable or intimate with them.  I am only just learning how to make the effort to show my partner I still trust him even when he triggers me.  I hope in the future that I can find a way to have a less skittish relationship with other people in general.  But today was encouraging, and a lot of what was encouraging about it was how it felt to take ownership for my side of a therapeutic relationship, and seeing the positive results that came from that.

I think I have to have a direct conversation with my therapist about the fact that he upset me a few weeks ago.  I'm really afraid of doing it. I know it's important though because it's been about a month of sessions that ready haven't been too productive.  I was hoping my feelings would just go away but that obviously doesn't work.

Sanmagic, thanks for offering support around sobriety I'm not going to meetings and I don't have a sponsor, but my therapist and partner are both helping me stay accountable. I thankfully quit before getting physiologically dependent on alcohol but it was still way out of hand and physical addiction would have been inevitable if I'd kept it up. Quitting drinking sure does force you to pay attention to uncomfortable things though! Better that than letting them get worse.

Also what a scary experience with that guy. You're kind of my hero for reporting him to the cops though. I wish all creeps got fines!

Three Roses, I went back out all done up in the way you described- minus the button, which I have to say I kind of need. And this time no infringements on my personal space!

Hmm. That's a good idea. If I'm honest,  most of the time I feel really afraid of dealing with my inner children. This could be a good way to go about it.

Yeah, I strongly relate to your expectations that others will see you only in a negative light. My fear is especially that I have been "fooling" everyone who knows me into thinking I have any good qualities, and that once I let anyone in they will see me for what I am (which I think is more like what my parents TOLD me I am...) I'm afraid this will happen with my therapist if I don't "do well" in therapy.

Picturing my parents being genuinely kind was not something I could do. If i tried to imagine sincere love or sincere anything on their faces, they looked like different people. Disconcerting to say the least!

The book you mentioned sounds worth a read for sure. Thanks for your feedback!

Thanks for the feedback- I think talking to him about this might be a good idea.  I'm going to an appointment today so this is as good a time as any.

And I think you're right, San, about reframing my thinking about this as a failure. Instead I can try and see it as an opportunity to understand something about my boundaries.

I know I can trust him again- I have an immense amount of respect for the guy and have always found him to be kind and professional. 

Kizzie, thanks for your input. It is always super encouraging for me to hear from people who have been doing this a little longer, so to speak! It's awesome that you've achieved the degree of recovery you have, and I know someday I will reach a point in my life where I have more stability and room to focus on the good things.

I think in taking ownership of the strength I have now that I could not have had as a child, I have also been hoping that strength can somehow just negate the past. Even though that just ain't how this works! I get frustrated with baby steps but it seems like you and so many others here have moved deceptively quickly by allowing time to slow down.  Have a good day