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Messages - Blueberry

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Thanks for hug and reminder of baby steps and that I'm not the only one, Tee. They actually won't call to reschedule. I'm going to have to deal with that myself.

Having written on here that I'd attempt EFT, I did do so :thumbup: and continued through with an alteration to the first sentence instead of giving up. I first tried "I accept myself for missing my appointment" but that didn't resonate so I changed to "I accept myself for missing my appointment because of the needle"  which really resonated. I started yawning like crazy. Then came "I accept and forgive myself..." so a further concrete step. Possibly I need to try again tomorrow to reinforce or just wait a while, Idk. I still cower into myself at the thought of phoning the doc's office.

But at least I'm impressing more and more into my brain - strengthening those pathways - of: I am able to change things for myself. I am not powerless and helpless.  :thumbup: :cheer:

Today I didn't take a concrete beneficial step.  Well, Idk, maybe I did? I thought to myself having not gone to my doc's for a blood test that at least I could feel into why not. There was a one-word answer: "the needle". There is actually some medical trauma behind that, but I thought it was dealt with. Apparently not. So I guess, yes, I did do that one beneficial step, I just didn't explore any further. NTS: the one step on its own is enough! Especially considering the way it turned up: one clear word in a fog and nothing else.

I thought to myself that it would also be beneficial to do a round of eFT on forgiving or at least accepting myself for not going to the doc's, but I haven't done that. I feel so ashamed for not getting up and going. So ashamed I didn't even phone my doc's receptionists to apologise. It's not the first time I've not gone :'( I'll end this now and at least attempt the EFT.

Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« on: Today at 04:21:42 PM »
Welcome back Allie   :hug: I don't think you're the first to make plans of that sort and then they go a little differently from expected. You know how it is: 2 steps forward, 1 back. When I read your announcement that you'd be on less, I thought "Yay for Allie" but of course you are welcome to come back here and post and look for support.  Whenever I decided to be on the forum a little less or post less, it didn't last long.

We are here for you :grouphug:

fwiw I don't know if there is ONE truth about God, Jesus and the Bible. There are different religious denominations after all, differences of interpretation within Christianity. I think how you choose to interpret the Bible's teachings for your life is your choice. It's not a question of correct and incorrect, it's way more complex than that. imho. Ignore if not helpful to you.

Introductory Post / Re: Hi all, new today.
« on: July 22, 2019, 08:18:02 PM »
Welcome to the forum!  :heythere: Glad you found your way here, but sorry you need us.

Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 6 - beyond the past
« on: July 22, 2019, 04:04:31 PM »
 :hug: A hug of shame-remover and put-shame-back-where-it-belongs (your F maybe?).

Depression / Re: Depression explained
« on: July 21, 2019, 11:38:19 AM »
Knowing about depression has actually helped me cope with this year's bout of it.

I recognise it as it arrives which makes it less frightening somehow.

Same with cptsd, knowing my weird symptoms are cptsd has helped me be less anxious about them.

Good progress Rainagain  :thumbup: :cheer:

Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 6 - beyond the past
« on: July 21, 2019, 11:34:52 AM »
just did a little research on yawning.  apparently, it can be a means to releasing neg. energy.  that makes sense that while i was processing about my ex, my yawning was nearly constant.  so, glad to know that.  maybe i can yawn my way out of all this.  wouldn't that be nice!

Oh yeah, yawning your way out would be nice!

I'm interested to read what you researched! I'm a big yawner when I'm processing. Something being released, yes, but I didn't realise so specifically that it's neg. energy. Makes a lot of sense though. Here's to yawns :raises glass of water:

A warm welcome to the forum, Just Hatched :heythere:

You are not a fraud at all for joining us here. Emotional and/or verbal abuse and neglect can lead to cptsd just as well as other forms of abuse. You are certainly not alone with that on here.

Thanks  ;D  :grouphug:

More progress coming today, evolving from the progress yesterday.  :cheer:

I'm gearing up to take over another strip of land in the garden. It's actually a bed that used to be mine that I was ordered to leave in no uncertain terms by a previous tenant because she wanted it. She no longer lives here. I am DONE with people using and taking over my beds, pushing me around, forcing me to replant berry bushes and roses  and other perennial flowers or procure new ones from somewhere.

The following sounds pretty normal for someone without cptsd or even without my particular blend, however:  When I take back this bed, I will relinquish all claims to communal areas of the garden, all attempts to leave them open and free for all, or to retain a couple of clumps of perennial flowers that have always been in a particular spot. This will be a lot less stressful for me, as well as for the other keenest gardner. It means others can fight and argue with her or do without much garden space, but what I won't allow is that they come in and take over my space or use it to dump their garbage (including cig stubs and used paint) in.  If they want more space, they're going to have to make it - there is more space but clearing it would involve work. I have done this type of work bit by bit over and over again and it is somebody else's turn!

What I have been doing bit by bit since yesterday is sorting through the contents of the communal garden compost heap and moving or discarding. Discarding stones, old broken tiles, bits of brick, cables etc, also branches and roots that'll take too long to compost. But some of it is fairly good compost which I'm using to improve my own beds and quite a lot is not quite finished composting which I've been putting in my own composter. But the rest of the mess down there: somebody else can deal. The new ll objected to compost being against the back wall. OK, then he needs to ensure that nobody adds more to the pile I'm depleting! Not my job. Not my job. Not my job. Reminding myself more than anything because of course I learned this behaviour in FOO as survival mode, nothing to do with gardening. Some scapegoat activity involving taking on others' burdens that I don't want to feel into atm.

I think I will continue to use this Journal a bit too e.g. when the steps I'm mentioning in the other one lead me to memories or certain long-winded conclusions :whistling:

So today after my interactions and garbage discussion with my neighbour, I realised it was quite a big step forward. I was doing to my neighbour what other neighbours have consistently done to me despite the fact that it's not my usual way of dealing with problems. It may not be my usual way partly because I don't think it's right - goes against the grain a bit. Another reason for it certainly not being my usual way is that FOO normally did not allow me to copy their actions. I was not allowed to do to B1 what he did to me. No retaliation allowed. Normally. There were a few strange exceptions. And I was certainly not allowed to treat B2 the way B1 treated me. Not that I generally wanted to, not the vendetta I endured. But it wasn't allowed anyway. Yes, I was scapegoated.

I said 'hello' to my neighbour in passing later on and he returned the greeting. That's also a step for me because in FOO when I was admonished for anything I was usually shown pretty clearly that I was not wanted for the next hours / days and so I took on shame and have carried that up until now. I'd be so ashamed of having defended myself that I wouldn't dare even look at the person I'd stood up to, far less greet them. Not greeting is rather impolite in the country I live in.

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: July 20, 2019, 06:29:20 PM »
I noticed this evening how supremely difficult it is for me to remain in my body and to keep observing and/or feeling. So I think I need to take Points 1, 2, and 3 slowly and a little bit at a time, building up as I go. It's certainly beneficial to notice this, but also to remember Point 4: Keep attempting. It may not always work, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try again.

I did some more of 6 this evening in the sense that I stopped ruminating on the latest interaction with my neighbour and the garbage problem. I did and said what I did. That brought about a change in my neighbour's understanding of various things and a change in his actions. It also brought a little change in me. End of story. Get on with other stuff. :thumbup:

Employment / Re: working on getting a new job
« on: July 20, 2019, 06:13:39 PM »
 two p/t jobs, one not yet with pay? Sounds stressful though I understand why you're doing it. Just want to wish you Good luck with it all.  :hug:

Sexual Abuse / Re: slowing down
« on: July 20, 2019, 06:03:14 PM »
Yes, I had the impression I hadn't seen you around for a while.  :cheer: on managing to slow down and on using the tools.

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: July 20, 2019, 12:39:35 PM »
Therapy homework
1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them
2) Exploring my feelings when I have an urge to eat
3) Exploring my feelings just before I go food-shopping
4) Keep attempting 2. and 3. even though they're difficult and I can't feel much at all.

What steps of my own choosing could I be doing:
5) Practise very basic self-care e.g. going to bed early enough, brushing teeth regularly etc.
6) Adjust self-talk to reflect current reality not FOO's reality
7) Simple spontaneous yawning 

I attempted 3) though didn't get very far ie. didn't feel anything. But I tried. Did again in the grocery store and at least avoided any impulse buying so that's a success
I did 2) after I got back from grocery store before I even put the few items away. I did it using a new method somebody told me about yesterday. The method got me onto 7) yawning right away. Earlier in the day I did some of 5) by getting up and staying up and finally having a shower and washing my hair. Also washed the dishes. doing that semi-regularly helps keep me out of depression and makes sensible, healthy eating easier.

Also did a few other items off my To Do list, things I don't do that often e.g. took some stuff to a charity shop and looked around for some additional tops for me while there. I didn't buy anything that sort of fit but not very well. Didn't slip back into old behaviour:cheer: Keeping clear of FOO beliefs like "it's only Blueberry, it doesn't matter". Not that that was always their attitude towards my clothing but in some clothing contexts and that's what stuck. Tried on 6 tops, bought 1. Might have bought a 2nd one if it had been cheaper. Decided it wasn't my choice at that price.  :applause: I and what I decide and my clothing choices do matter!

I also had a little chat with one of my new neighbours. His predecessors moved out and left a bunch of stuff especially painting supplies. I put some of that out for garbage collection on Thursday; some of the stuff actually got collected some didn't, because packaged wrong, wrong type on wrong day etc. Instead of taking it back into the building on Thursday afternoon, I decided to act like everybody else in the building and ignore it. So my neighbour in the building, also with a little business, asked me about it today and I got him as far as saying he'll deal with it. He even produced the correct sack for one type of garbage, after claiming he didn't have that type of sack. He asked me what day that type gets collected and I told him where to go to find it out (don't know off by heart myself!) and suggested he could ask anybody else in the building since everybody else gets a garbage collection schedule annually, the same as me and his predecessors.

He wasn't especially happy about any of it because having a pile of garbage outside his business (though not blocking the door) could put customers off, doesn't look nice etc. I know all about that and have written on here extensively about it and how neighbours didn't see any problem with dumping their garbage outside my office.  I said to the neighbour today that this way I got his attention and it's the only way to do so.

I'm remembering back to explaining to people (possibly even FOO) that the only way to show B1 I didn't agree with his use of PA was to refuse to talk to him, which I kept up for a good number of months though we both still lived in the same house with FOO. They certainly noticed but didn't change their behaviour. This time not only did my neighbour notice, but he also acted on it after a short period of denial and refusal etc. So here I'm doing 6) too - adjusting self-talk along with noticing that dealing with neighbour was not as bad as dealing with FOO. I didn't feel as if I was banging my head on a brick wall with frustration and still not getting anywhere.

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