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Messages - Panda

#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Panda's Journal
May 27, 2021, 12:59:29 PM
So. Things. They happen.


I'm gonna have to either up my dose or change meds because while it was helpful during low level depression and anxiety, I'm currently dealing with a worsening mental state and was up until 3 am after having the highest dosage I'm allowed to take in a day. My sleep's been getting steadily worse for the past two weeks and hit pre-med state about four to five days ago. Not fun.
Took me a while to figure out what's going on, but I know it's another shard of trauma being processed. Sucks, but I will grow from this.


But! Unlike previous bad episodes, I realized quickly that things were getting bad, called my psychiatrist right up for an appointment took precautions to minimize the damage episodes can do. I have therapy next week, I've got simple meals planned out for the next week that just need popping into the oven or slow cooker, wife is informed and very supportive, we've worked out a list of everyday stuff I still gotta do despite being in a bad state, I couldn't get a psychiatrist appointment earlier than the end of next month but it's made.


So. Yeah. Damage control's in place, I still feel pretty bad but I know it'll pass, which I don't take for granted and is incredibly helpful.
#2
TW hints at abuse, chronic illness, death








Dear me,


today is the day that will change your life forever. At about 9:30 pm, your mother will die. Suddenly, with no warning.


It will hurt but it'll take twenty years to get to the worst of it. That doesn't mean your grief isn't valid, it just means that at the moment, you're still so deep in trauma that you can't feel all of it. That's okay, you're 13 years old, you don't need to.


She had been sick for a while, with a disease that would sadly become a running joke thanks to a popular TV show and that'll hurt too, for a long time. You don't remember her not being sick, it was normal for you. And it was normal to treat it the way you did because no one included you in anything or gave you any sort of support through it. You didn't mess up, you were a child not knowing better.


Please remember that even with the things she did to you (and to dad too) it's okay to grieve. It's okay to be hurting, it's okay to need support, it's okay to let adults know you need someone to guide you through this.
I know that's what you think right now, but they're not all like her. They want to help, some of them do at least, but I know you're still so deep in it you can only think they won't be able to help or be just like her. It's okay, I don't blame you. You're just a lost child and I know how bad everything hurt back then.


Also, the thing you said, the one you still feel guilty about? It's okay. Forgive yourself. You didn't know she was going to die. You had no way of knowing. I know it sucks and you wish you hadn't said it but it's okay, you can forgive yourself.


I have so much advice to give you, so many things I wish I could change for you but at least be sure that at 33, I'm getting better and recovering more every day. Could it have happened faster? Probably, if I'd had the right support network and more help and things like that but better now than ever.


Kid, I know you're hurting, I know it'll be another while until it gets easier and it'll probably never stop but... you did what you could. You worked with the little resources you had and I'm so proud of you for holding on despite how difficult it was. You're a good kid and you are very, very loved.


We'll be okay. It takes time, it takes a lot of work, but we'll be okay.
#3
General Discussion / Re: Grief about life choices
April 21, 2021, 07:05:39 AM
This is something I struggle with a lot as well. I agree with the others, being able to finally grieve is a sign of healing, even if it doesn't even remotely feel good. It gets easier with time and learning how to talk yourself through the worst of it.


CC, thank you very much for the article you posted, I found it super helpful!
#4
I think that was a beautiful thing of you to do! I love it when kids do stuff like that, it shows so much creativity and drive!


And I'm glad you can still appreciate it even if circumstances changed.
#5
Thank you everyone!!!


Day two of thankfully only two, I'm fine, just a little cranky but they're super nice!
#6
Thanks, Blue Rose!


It's been about six hours now and I'm still pretty relaxed, just over having people in my space for so long but that would happen no matter what.
#7
Thank you very much for the advice and the links, Blueberry!
#8
This wouldn't have been possible a couple of months ago.
We needed some windows replaced and I made the appointment with the roofer thinking my wife would also be home but alas she is a nurse so sometimes things change around. So I'm now here with two men I don't know and for the first time in ages, I'm just relaxed. They're doing their job, I'm just chilling out, it's magic.


Not saying I don't feel a bit weird when they get loud with each other like handymen tend to do but... I'm not afraid. I'm literally more afraid that a pigeon is going to fly into the house (got no windows in after all) than I am of two men I don't know.


It took years to get to this point and tbh I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, first because I handled all the phone calls it took to get here and now because I'm doing pretty dang okay.

#9
General Discussion / Re: Lockdown vs recovery
April 18, 2021, 06:27:32 PM
Blue Rose and jamesG.1, I hope you are hanging in there alright.


I have been dealing with lockdown okay, for the most part. But now it's been so long it just feels like it will continue forever.
It... doesn't really make the C-PTSD worse but the thing is, I'm slowly getting better and want to do stuff outside and involving people for the first time in years, maybe a decade even but I just... can't. That loss of control is hard to deal with.


Add to that that I can't get vaccinated in my country yet and sometimes it gets overwhelming. As both posters before me have said, at least the weather is finally picking up. And I have a garden I can spend time in, which makes me pretty privileged compared to some people but tbh in the spring time a garden is more work than actual relaxation for me.


We'll get through this!
#10
I've seen these sort of threads on a number of forums and thought it couldn't hurt to start one here. If it's not welcome feel free to close/change, of course.


Basically, if the search function fails you or you feel like you can't adequately search for what kind of board/thread you're looking for you can come here and ask if another member knows of something fitting.


I'll start:


Do we have a thread for our positive accomplishments that are not (strictly) related to C-PTSD (outside of posting about it in our journals)?
#11
Medication / Re: Opipramol/Opramol/Insidon
April 18, 2021, 12:23:08 PM
Thanks!!


Soo it has been 17 days so I figured it'd be enough time to give a bit of an update:


The Opipramol was primarily prescribed to help with sleep in my case so I take one 50 mg dose before bed and up to 300 mg as needed during the day for acute panic. I haven't exceeded a dose of 150 mgs in a day yet.
As far as side effects go, I only have two problems, one being that I have to have at least a full glass of water with my dose or I'll get stomach cramping and gassiness and the other is a dry tongue. Feels a bit like a moist washcloth, it's an odd sensation but I know I'm due for a new dose when that feeling subsides.


My sleep is better. I used to wake up at least three times per night, on bad nights twice an hour. Right now I wake up about once a night, of course more with outside factors (wife, cats). It's also deeper sleep and I only take about 20 minutes to fall asleep as opposed to an hour to two.
It takes forever for me to wake up proper if I've had less than eight hours of sleep tho.


As far as the anxiety goes... my base anxiety has decreased a lot. I still struggle but it's not as bad and paralyzing as before.
Since the Opipramol takes about an hour to work its magic it does nothing for acute panic attacks unless I manage to catch the very very early stages sadly. But it's nice to be able to dose up when I know I have to do something scary later during the day.


I'm not sure it's doing anything for my depression, to be honest. My depression does come in episodes though and I'm not currently due for one so we'll see how that goes.


So far, I'm like 90% happy with the Opipramol. I think most of it is just some fine-tuning with the dosages and maybe needing another med to handle the depression stuff but this seems like a solid med and at least for me it's almost free of side effects.
#12
Medication / Opipramol/Opramol/Insidon
April 01, 2021, 11:20:26 AM
Did any of you take this one before?


I'm not sure what the most common name in the US is so I included a couple just in case.


I've only just got my prescription and had the first dose but I'd like to know a bit more about people's experiences. I know everyone's different and responds differently to medication but I'd still love to hear about it!
#13
Recovery Journals / Re: Panda's Journal
April 01, 2021, 11:09:29 AM
Thanks, Jazzy!


Soooo I had my first psychiatrist appointment in a decade and a half. It was a mess, I needed a referral from my primary care doctor and could only get it today due to insurance reasons so I had to do that before my actual appointment. Had to wait super long and if I hadn't had a ride to the psychiatrist I wouldn't have made it and this is despite calling in on Tuesday and very carefully mentioning I'd need that referral by 9 so I'd have enough time to make it.
At the psychiatrist's they told me I'd come in an hour late but I very vividly remember being told 10 am. Maybe their system messed up bc we only changed our clocks on Sunday but yeah, ofc that had me super super anxious.


The psychiatrist was super nice though, took a brief history of my mental health journey, was very mindful of not delving too deep but still getting the info he needed. Kept within my boundaries, made sure he knew what I needed which was super awesome.
Long story short, I've got a prescription for Opipramol, might have a different name in the US.


It's low dose, we'll ramp it up slowly and see if I need anything different. So yeah, I'm pretty happy with that went even if the journey to the appointment was... not great.
#14
Recovery Journals / Re: Panda's Journal
March 12, 2021, 08:02:28 PM
It's been a while again...


I don't know, I have so many things to say and so much I'd love to share here but opening up is... extremely hard. I'm sorry I just kinda drop in and out, I'd love to come here more but it's just... hard.


As for what's been going on in my life: I'm regularly in therapy with an actual trauma specialist which is amazing, I have a psychiatrist appointment in April because I can't handle certain symptoms, mostly the anxiety stuff, without medical help at the moment. Convincing myself to see a psychiatrist has been really hard. I've received meds in the psych ward I was in when I was 16 but they did nothing for me and gave me some longer-lasting side effects but I'm ready to try again now. I'm a bit scared but I hope it'll go alright.


My wife and I are having our ups and downs, she's starting to become aware that certain things that happened in her past have been traumatic as well plus well, nursing as a profession is very stressful at the moment even without directly dealing with covid patients.
But we're very much aware we want to be in this together and we're both working on better futures together so... it's alright. Plus, we love each other and support each other as much as we possibly can so we're dealing.


I'm doing so much more than I used to which is super hard for me and I feel tired all the time but it's great going from barely functional to slowly building up a life I'm happy with. I wish I'd gotten there sooner but better in my thirties than never.


Anyway, that's about where I'm at at the moment. Hope you're all doing alright :)
#15
starkravingsane, it's been another little bit since your post but thank you so much for adding to the conversation! Your words lessened the feeling of taking resources away from people that need them. I guess as long as there's a chair/spot in a zoom meeting anyone really has a place.


Recovery Dharma sounds super interesting to me, from the quick google I've had, thank you for pointing me that way!