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Messages - Toast

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I was reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD and he talks about dealing with emotional flashbacks with a step by step process.

The first steps are something like "1. realize you're having a flashback, 2. realize you are afraid but not in danger." I don't know but these first two steps aren't really helping me. I can realize I'm having a flashback but I just don't care. T

he steps make it seem like you're supposed to act like these feelings aren't real or something: "Yeah, you're afraid, but it doesn't really matter because you're not actually in danger".

That just seems cruel to my IC. Nobody ever cared about how I felt in the past, but I can be the one person who cares now. I can't just dismiss these feelings because they're a flashback. How else are they to be dealt with, though? I can't just go around telling everyone that I want to die.

General Discussion / Re: Vertigo/Clumsiness caused by CPTSD?
« on: March 17, 2017, 04:49:08 AM »
Hi, that happened to me yesterday, I woke up and the whole room was spinning as if I had a night of heavy drinking-which I hadn't! I needed to get to the bathroom and had to crawl on my hands and knees to get there as I couldn't stand without wanting to fall over, I felt really sick too but wasn't. I then had terrible trouble trying to sit on the toilet and had to hold on as I felt as if I was going to fall off, then crawled on my hands and knees back to bed, I then struggled to get to sleep as the room was spinning so much then I woke up a couple of hours later and was fine. I've had this a few times and it's horrible, I wasn't sure if it was cptsd related or maybe an inner ear problem, although I have no problems with my ears so not sure!

I don't know if mine has ever been that bad. That sounds really rough though. Mine definitely gets worse if I get an ear infection or something. I don't really think I have any problems with my ears but I'm pretty sure I have some kind of auditory processing disorder since I can't understand what's being said most of the time. It might as well be another language.

Today, I suddenly thought I'd like to buy a doll - they are an unusual doll with many colours in their hair and colourful clothes - not sure what kind they are, but I remember seeing them in a shop and thinking that it would have been great if they'd been around when I was a child - I really like them.

Are you perhaps talking about a Ball-Jointed Doll?

This is my Ball-Jointed Doll. She's a little on the unusual side but I love her.

Inner Child Work / Re: IC in Therapy today...
« on: March 17, 2017, 02:33:26 AM »
This actually sounds like a lot of fun. I just need someone to play it with.

General Discussion / Vertigo/Clumsiness caused by CPTSD?
« on: March 16, 2017, 08:19:10 PM »
I frequently get bouts of extreme vertigo that can knock me over if I'm standing or even sitting. Other times it just makes me stumble, even when I'm standing still or doing some other task. I remember once having to white-knuckle a desk in class because it felt like the desk had suddenly begun to accelerate. On most nights when I lay down, it feels like the bed is spinning. It seems to have gotten worse over the years along with my CPTSD. Does anyone else experience this kind of thing?

Friends / Desire for Friendship or Desire for Dependency?
« on: February 23, 2017, 06:37:29 AM »
One of the professors I had in college affected my life in such a way that I doubt I would be here if I hadn't signed up for his class. Really the only reason I had picked it was because all the other classes I needed were full.

To give you an idea of what was going on with me, I barely slept or ate, was drowning in college work, had no money, and frequently considered throwing myself off of a bridge that connected two of the freshman dorms. I would go out and stand there at 2 or 3 am, wondering if that night was my last, but I always ended up thinking of that particular class and how I would be sad if I missed it.

The professor, let's call him Mr. Thoreau, praised the first project I turned in more heavily than anyone else's. Being neglected as a child, this obviously came as a surprise to me. How could anyone like anything I make that much?  It felt nice.

Things went downhill for me shortly after that because of unrelated reasons, and the second project I turned in was clearly inferior as a result. He emailed me asking if I could meet with him after class. I was terrified he'd yell at me or express his disappointment in my performance. Instead he told me that the drop in quality of my work had made him worried about me, and suggested that I go see the school's counselors (which I already was). I asked if he thought I was slacking off in his class and he said that isn't at all what he thought. The interaction was still nerve-wracking, but it was also a breath of fresh air compared to what I'm used to.

Throughout the course I feel like we bonded over some things we had in common, and shared a few small moments that still make me smile despite how dark and desolate things have been getting lately. I think about him a lot and I'd really like to be friends, at least, I think I do. It could be that I just want to be dependent on someone to give me support, I don't know how to tell. He seems like a kind and wise man who could talk about anything and make it sound interesting, and I'd love to just listen to him talk for hours,

The other issue is that he's a professor and I'm a student and I wouldn't want to jeopardize his job by being friends with him. I don't go to the same campus as him anymore, so maybe it's not as big of a deal, I don't know. I feel like the best way to interact with him would be in person, but since I changed campuses it's not really an option. Using his school email address for friendly emails seems weird, though, and the only other way I can contact him is though Facebook, which also seems weird. I never really got to tell him how much he helped me, but saying something like "hey, thanks for keeping me from dying!" seems a bit like oversharing.

I don't know what to do.

That looks just like one of my chickens! :D Really nice!

Thank you. It's not finished yet, but I based it off of the gorgeous Ayam Cemani chicken:


First, I just need to ask - IS THAT YOUR ART?  WOW, it is really, really amazing.  I am a little jealous of your talent right now!!

I'm not exactly sure of how long you have stuck with any one therapy.  For me, I need a combination.  I have also had to try more than one type of antidepressant.  I had been upset lately thinking I have been doing this for a year and a half and I am no better.  This weekend a lightbulb went off.  It was seriously like learning a math equation when it just clicks and seems so simple.  I feel so much better because I know what I need to do.  Maybe if I hadn't stuck it out I would not have gotten here?

My point is, I think something can work, but you need to keep trying.  Perhaps you have not reached that point or found it yet.  I hope what I think is my breakthrough really is.  I feel like it is.  Now I realize what is holding me back, I can move on.  Just don't give up.

Again, that art is amazing!!  I am so impressed.

Thanks. I've been drawing and painting for about 11 years, so it really came from hard work more than anything else. I guess I should apply the same logic to therapy.

My last therapist suggested tap therapy, and being skeptical of everything I automatically assumed it was bogus. Maybe I should give it a shot. I'm just now getting back to a point in my life where I can actually go to therapy.

My Motorcycleing and hiking Hobbies felt the same - jsut too much effort to get into them anymore. its not the doing them that should help you push forward, its that this is like a broken leg event when it comes to the things that brought you happiness.

Like a football player with a broken leg, he can;t play football anymore, and must wait until he gets better. But he doesn't give up. the thought of getting back into what made him happy, football, will be waiting for him in the future. You have rough times ahead, I am sure, but let your art be the light at the end of the world. Very similar to this, it is important to also remember to do these things for yourself, regardless of the income it generates or not. As Jimmy Buffet said "I gotta make my music for Money- No, I want to make my music for ME."

Stay sparked. Best Wishes.

I enjoy making art for me, but the income part is pretty important for my survival since I'm incapable of working any other kind of job. I can't speak loudly or coherently enough to be a good cashier, I hate food service with a passion, and recently I tried becoming a dog bather at a grooming salon but that isn't going so well either.

Hello and welcome, Toast! I'm glad you're here.


Please keep posting, keep reading - and thanks for joining! :hug:

Thanks for the welcome, maybe here I'll finally be able to start processing some things.

So what sparks you?

I do art, but lately it just seems like too much effort to even pick up a pencil. I was going to school for art and wanted to eventually have a career in it, but going to the school put me in serious debt and I've basically resigned all hopes of ever doing anything as a professional artist.

the video did help a little bit, thanks for that.

Neglect/Abandonment / I never had Anyone as a Child [Trigger Warning]
« on: February 21, 2017, 06:25:23 AM »
I'm dumping my story here because this week has been awful and every time I experience something awful it brings back all the other awful things that have ever happened to me.

I never liked going home. I didn't really like going to school, but I liked going home even less. I have vivid memories of wishing the bus ride home would just go on forever. We lived in a fairly run-down trailer with a large yard and a high chain-link fence. Two adults, two children, two dogs, and about twenty cats.

The two adults were almost always nowhere to be seen, laying in a drug-induced coma in their room. There wasn't much money, so we were on food stamps, but I'm pretty sure they sold or traded most of them for drugs. Because of that, you can imagine there wasn't much food in the house, or at least, not food that can be prepared by young five or six year old children. I can recall a time where I thought a bruise on my knee looked a lot like how chicken skin browns when you bake it, and I was so hungry I tried licking and biting it, hoping it would taste like that chicken. Obviously it did not, and it's no surprise that I now suffer from binge eating disorder. There were a few times that I attempted to enter the lair of the Adults- a dark and stinky bedroom covered in cigarette burns- and dared ask for food, but the result was usually being yelled at, called fat, or put on restriction. I quickly learned never to ask for anything, ever.

The two children, my sister and I, were pretty much on our own. We were so young, we didn't know how to cook or clean or take care of ourselves. The house was filthy at all times. Cigarette butts and ashes, the stench of smoke permeated everything. There was cat * and fleas and roaches everywhere. The bathroom was moldy and my sister and I hardly bathed because we didn't understand the concept of personal hygiene. Anytime the adults did see us, though, they made sure to tell us how ugly and disgusting we were.

You'd think that in the midst of all this neglect and abuse that my sister and I would be close. We weren't. She was mean to me all the time. She would hit me and pull my hair and take things away from me just to watch me cry. There wasn't anyone around to tell her to stop, and I guess she was just taking out her frustration on me, but it doesn't really make things any easier. Even after we were removed from the situation, she was still mean to me constantly.

The cherry on top was the two adults constantly fighting whenever they weren't going sleepy-poo via substance abuse. My mother claims to be the victim in all this, but she was just as much an instigator as the step-father. To this day she still will not own up to what she did to me and my sister and insists it is everyone else's fault but her own. I remember once I was sitting at the table on a rare occasion where my mother actually cooked something- early on in her relationship to the step-father, I suppose- eating dinner with my sister, and I just remember my mother storming angrily around the house, weilding a shotgun or rifle of some sort, shouting about how she was going to shoot the dogs. The step-father was unhappy with this, of course, and chased her around the house attempting to wrestle the gun from her. I was terrified and thought if I cried they would stop. They didn't.

I enjoyed going to school just to get away from it all. Even at school there was nobody for me, though. I didn't really have any friends, and I can't say I blame them. I probably stunk all the time and always looked greasy. I excelled at my school work. It was all I really had, good grades were the closest I came to ever being praised by anyone. Later I remember being in a highschool math class, the teacher came around to look at everyone's work, she patted me on the back and told me I did a good job, and I almost started crying in the middle of class because those words were all I had ever wanted to hear. Looking back, I'm surprised that nobody from the school ever tried to find out what was going on at home. Neither of the adults ever showed up to the school for events, and I never got any of my progress reports or report cards signed because the adults were too busy sleeping to do so.

Eventually DFACS was called, and my sister and I were lawfully removed from the custody of the mother and the stepfather. Even now, no one knows who called them. I'm glad they did, I just wish they had done it sooner. My father talks about how he regrets not being there for us, but he could have easily gotten custody of us had some official known how we lived. Instead, he chose to be a cross-country semi-truck driver.

Anyway, now I'm super * up for life and the mother demands that I forgive her when she still will not apologize or accept blame for any of the things she's done, one of which is that she smoked cigarettes and weed while she was pregnant with me, and possibly did other drugs as well.
I am always 100% Doormat Syndrome for everyone, including people I dislike or people who are abusive. I fall in love with and idolize anyone that is nice to me once, especially if it is unsolicited and comes from someone in a position of power. I am majorly depressed at all times and there aren't many times where my brain isn't occupied by suicidal ideation. I have trouble believing that people are honest or that they actually want to interact with me. Even the slightest edge to a voice or a even a dirty look can send me to the nearest bathroom for a mental breakdown. I am basically just a Dog soul in a human body: you can kick me and yell at me, but as long as you give me treats I will be happy to see you and always do tricks for you.

General Discussion / I feel like I've tried everything, but nothing works.
« on: February 21, 2017, 04:09:28 AM »
I've tried one-on-one therapy, group therapy, medications, changing my lifestyle, journaling, etc. pretty much anything you can think of, I've tried it.  They always make me feel better initially, but after a few weeks of doing it, I realize it's not helping me at all, and after a few months of doing it, I feel even worse because I'm not making any improvements.

Therapy never works because I only tell the therapist what I think they want to hear and I'm incapable of doing any differently.

I tried SSRIs but all they did was take away my only two escapes from this *-prison: eating and sleeping. It made me uninterested in food and gave me terrible nightmares whenever I managed to sleep. I tried telling my psychiatrist that I wanted to get on a different medication, but he insisted SSRIs were the best option and we just needed to up the dosage.

I've gone through multiple life changes and no matter what I change, I still end up feeling sad, even worse than I did before. I didn't have friends and I was sad; I did have friends and was still sad. I didn't have money and was sad; I did have money and was still sad. I went to college and I was sad; I didn't go to college and was still sad. I didn't have a job and was sad; I did have a job and was still sad. I've pretty much just resigned myself to feeling this way forever.

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