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Messages - Blackbird

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Recovery Journals / Re: Blackbird's journal
« on: June 07, 2017, 11:11:55 AM »
I've been meditating, first with guided now just with ambience music, letting myself relax and talking with my inner children with compassion, learning to listen to them and appreciate their input (sometimes it seems they're more in tune with my current situation than my current depressed part that has taken over is). It seems to have begun an amazing healing process, I'm still down but I have inner strenght, am active and with interest in the future. I didn't even have a nightmare tonight :)

I've started planning the future yesterday, not concerning anyone else's opinions but mine. I will be able to let go of the barriers that were put in front of me, for sure. I have an amazing T and few but very supportive friends, but most of all I have myself and all that I've learned so far. I don't know what's in store for me, how hard it will be either, but I know I've been through worse and that the healing has begun.

I realized I've been reading too much into all of this, that I retraumatized myself and that I need to step back and focus on healing. I spend too much time online or reading books in hope of remembering something, or trying to force the process. So, I've decided to step away from online forums for a while, books and all that is too triggering for me. I'm no help to anyone if I can't even help myself.
I've decided to give more time for the good parts of my internal family to come out and play, that means spending more time in nature and just with plain curiosity for life, culture and everything that is available for me to grow as a person, not only focusing on what happened to me. It happened for too long, and it needs to lose its' power over me.

So, I don't know if I will come back here. Thank you for all the support, I mean it. Understanding the works of C-PTSD was very important for me, and you all helped me even if we didn't communicate directly. :)

Wishing you all healing and a nurturing and fulfilling life.
  :hug: :wave:

Recovery Journals / Re: Blackbird's journal
« on: June 06, 2017, 08:30:09 AM »
I cleaned so heavily yesterday that by the end of the day I couldn't move because my body was completely sore. It was good to let out the built in anger with the repetitive movements of cleaning, I imagined vaccuming my worries away.
Well, I slept better tonight, deeper, but the dreams about the exs continued. This time was the latest one and we were getting married.  :blink: :doh:

I think the last appointment with T left this revictimizing part of me completely out in the open, taking over my mood and sleep time in her attempt of communicating with me. The thoughts I have are all negative... "I'm too tired" "I will never get out of this hole" "Nobody cares" etc. I feel stuck in a repetitive loop of the past, and it's exhausting. I think she is the one feeling this, I'm too fused with her.

Today I have the day to myself and it's a hot rainy day, so I'm staying in with my pets. Will take the time to maybe write a dialogue, to help her come out in a more recovery-ish fashion, instead of continuously pushing me to wake up in a "Oh no, not again" state.

I might try and exercise a little, maybe just 10 minutes, if my body allows it, just to feel better.

I've been counting calories in order to lose some weight. I think it's just another way of changing my eating disorder into a less chaotic eating disorder. I'm still obsessed about food, but this time about how little I can eat in order to be healthy. I don't have intense sugar cravings or binge cravings anymore though, it morphed into an obsession of being fit. I don't want to feel this way, if I eat a potatoe chip I feel like a failure. Maybe I should just accept my extra weight and try to feel comfortable in my own body, I think that should be the healthy thing to do.
Also, I watched a documentary on consciousness and think of becoming a vegetarian again. It was the healthiest period of my life, back then, and I think it's just cruel to eat animals who have a conscious mind and self-awareness. To be honest, I think plants just have a different kind of consciousness that was not discussed in that documentary, they just talked about what resembled humans.
My mind is mush, don't know what to think. 

Recovery Journals / Re: Elphanigh's journey
« on: June 06, 2017, 08:15:38 AM »
I understand where you're coming from, I'm 30 and my abusive period was 27 years, no relaxing periods in between, just euphoric ones (coping mania). Reading this entry of yours I realized I might still be in shock, or coming out of it. So, don't be too hard on yourself. We want to rush and get this over with, but patience is our friend.

You're very strong, Elphanigh, you can do it.  :hug:

Inner Child Work / Re: Bubbles of fear
« on: June 05, 2017, 06:04:08 PM »
Thanks for the response, Dee. Awareness and acceptance, I'll work on that :)

A bit long, but totally worth it. It's not perfect, but it gives us an idea on what the current research is aiming at.

I don't know if it will always be like this, I surely hope not and my doctors seem to think that it won't. I'm yet to make that assessment, the ups and downs of therapy, like in any other sort of therapy even for those who just do it for the sake of therapy without any presenting too-troubling issue, has peaks and lows. I assume that in trauma therapy is just a tiny bit more "moody".

You'll overcome this, you're strong as I've seen in your other posts. This is just a low, it will get better.

Blueberry is absolutely right, you are worth it, very much so.

Recovery Journals / Re: To be Candid...
« on: June 05, 2017, 10:48:57 AM »

You see, I believe most if not all MH issues come from bad experiences in infancy. And I want to make recovery from Compromised Caring my life's work now. I doubt I can do it full-throttle in my present circumstances, but I can do it unpaid and see how I get on. It's part of a long-term plan.

Me too. I have a great dislike of the current diagnosis system. I admire you for pursuing that, that's really amazing. I'm on your cheering squad as well :)  :cheer:

Inner Child Work / Bubbles of fear
« on: June 05, 2017, 10:28:05 AM »
 Hey guys. So, I'm wondering if any of you are suffering/have overcome something related to this.

Due to my trauma I've developed what I call my 'bubbles of fear', irrational fears of anything resembling being somewhat 'achieved in life' (if that counts for something). Academic fear (although I spend my days researching and exploring the scientific world, I fear I will never be a good academic, and so I block myself from pursuing academic endeavours); Fear of relationships - this one is pretty obvious and self explanatory. Fear of driving (have anxiety episodes because of other's mistakes and refuse to drive). Fear of success in anything, so I stopped doing everything that was bringing me anything resembling any kind of success and sense of achievement.... And so forth, there are plenty more.

I really want to overcome this, especially the academic fear in the near future as I actually need my financial independence. I don't even need to be very successful, just good enough lol... Oh my... Anyway, have any of you overcame something similar? How do I even begin taking the first step? I feel completely lost, T said I need to figure out my own answers to this, and I understand the why I'm there (kinda stuck there actually), I just need to figure out a way to get out of there.

Any input is highly valuable. Thank you.

General Discussion / Re: Not wanting to let go
« on: June 05, 2017, 08:45:08 AM »
I think you mean me  ;D It's okay lol

Yes, me too. When I mentioned it to my T he said "we don't want to change you, you're fine. We want to improve you"

Hope this helps.

Survivor fits me best  ;D Maybe others feel better with victim, is not my place to say what word one should describe themselves as. I appreciate your insight, Kat.

And yes phoenixbetty, I do feel the need to quit all the time. Especially when I making progress, means it's hurting somewhere and that I need to heal and release that burden in some way.

My T said my injured parts carry burdens, that is one of my goals to release those burdens one at a time. I need to find a way, though, I'm still pretty lost. He mentioned a ritual of sorts, but I feel I would feel too weird doing it. I have no idea how I'm going to release them, but they will be released eventually, even if it is with a ritual. He said that if I played the part of the person doing the ritual, my burdened parts would "catch" the deed and release it in their own way... I'm still pretty skeptical, but he has had success with this before so who am I to judge?  ;D

I've also seem to always dissociate, I'm a very dissociative person to be honest. Sometimes I dissociate during perfectly normal conversations and need to ask the other person to repeat what they said. It's one of the reasons I like the internet, and text messages, I can take my time to answer if I dissociate.

The first memory I have of a dissociation episode, most likely depersonalization, I was making bracelets with my friends in school's recess or probably lunch time and had the strange feeling I wasn't real. I remember it vividly. I don't remeber anything particularly stressful during that time, so it probably started sooner.

General Discussion / Re: Not wanting to let go
« on: June 05, 2017, 05:08:30 AM »
Depression and anxiety, in the therapy I'm in, are just other parts of me. They won't go away miraculously, they just lose their strenght. I've seen it happen time and time again, we build resillience, and keep building it to protect the parts of us that need protecting and become even more in tune with the Self, that is what we trully are. Our best characteristics are within us, we just learn how to approach them in a more healthy way and, in the same way, to be able to control more accurately what is not so good.

Like Blueberry said, it's part of us anyway. That's why you don't want to let go, I think. You're afraid of losing yourself again, and that's traumatizing. But you won't, I assure you. You'll just become stronger.  :hug:

Hi Michoacana  :wave:

I'm also a child of an abusive alcoholic, hope you feel comfortable talking about your issues.

I think it's great you jumped on the recovery bandwagon right away, just be careful not to retraumatize yourself. :)

Hope you can find a therapist soon!

Recovery Journals / Re: Blackbird's journal
« on: June 05, 2017, 04:55:10 AM »
Thanks Blueberry  :hug: It means a lot. It did help to get out for a bit. I dreamt in the afternoon again, but don't remember what, which is good.

And tonight I dreamt about letting go of abusive people, there were several, including politicians lol So I guess I'm am getting better. I don't expect a smooth ride to getting better, but I wish my dreams weren't plagued with those people.

I think you're right, Blueberry, it's good progress. But still, to have all these nightmares I think I'm too fused (like my therapist says) with that part of me. I will do some exercises from my book today on how to defuse.

Thank you again, it means a lot to feel I'm not alone.  :hug:

General Discussion / Re: CPTSD, early trauma and addiction
« on: June 04, 2017, 01:56:09 PM »
Hey Coco!  :wave:

I was a heavy pot smoker, also did LSD, MDMA, cocaine, speed, you name it, except heroin. I quit everything including alcohol without help. It was kinda forced the first two weeks because I was in the hospital, but after that I stayed sober. That was three years ago.

Now I still smoke cigarettes, but the longer I stay connected to my inner child, the more I feel I'm harming her by smoking, so I want to quit soon.

My psychiatrist gave me a pack of gum, but I haven't been using it. I'm afraid of gaining more weight if I quit right away. I think I need to lose a few pounds to feel more comfortable first. But I will quit. :)

Good luck!

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