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Messages - Widdiful Falling

#1
I think the image of your brother, in the living room, tooting his own horn, is beyond hilarious!

I also think that it's awful for your parents to have forced you to take a specific instrument like that. Or music classes at all, without your consent. I have to wonder, though, why the flute? Is there some history there?

I always wanted to play the flute when I was younger. My M wouldn't let me play any mouth instruments, though, because I had a talent for singing. I got to play the piano, though, so at least there was something. I would have withered away if my love for making music wasn't fed.
#2
The Cafe / Re: I'm a blue belt!
September 21, 2015, 07:09:00 PM
Thank you to everyone for the congratulations!
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
#3
The Cafe / Re: I'm a blue belt!
September 21, 2015, 07:07:50 PM
Quote from: arpy1 on September 20, 2015, 12:17:37 PM

can i ask, is aikido like judo? i have heard of it but no idea what it is?

It is like judo. Actually, judo and Japanese style jujitsu were the most influential in the creation of aikido. It's a lot of center of gravity manipulations, that don't require strength to perform. We do a lot of throws, and instead of striking to block attacks, we blend with them to throw our opponent off-balance. We also study jo and bokken kata, as the strikes used are similar to moves we make when throwing.
#4
Checking Out / Re: Healing going well
September 19, 2015, 11:24:24 PM
Yay! I hope your supports are solid pillars of rock that can withstand even the strongest gust of hot air! Go you!  :applause:

(But, I'll miss you.)

:hug:
#5
The Cafe / Re: Which emoticon do you like best?
September 19, 2015, 11:21:19 PM
  :blowup:

Cuz sometimes, you see something so awe inspiring that this happens.
#6
The Cafe / I'm a blue belt!
September 19, 2015, 11:18:14 PM
After many months, and nerves, and good times, and fun, I've recently been promoted to gokyu, or blue belt, in aikido. My senseis said I tested excellently, and I really have them to thank, for taking the time out to work with me.

I'm also really, really proud of myself, because before I started aikido, I could barely put my socks on without falling over! I worked really hard to get to this point, and I'm proud of myself for coming such a long way. My IC is rejoicing. All the times I let her out to have fun paid off!

In lieu of a family to celebrate this with, I want to share this moment with you. Without you, I doubt I could have made it this far. Domo arigatou gozaimasu to all of you!

  :yourock:
#7
Music / Re: Let's hear it for the music! (reprise)
September 19, 2015, 11:09:44 PM
Quote from: Dutch Uncle on September 16, 2015, 06:42:37 PM
Quote from: KayFly on September 16, 2015, 03:29:09 PM
She seems so sad.
Yes.

and aware.
and angry
and confident
and expressive

and so much more I cannot put words to.

Unchained. It reminds me of an epiphany I had a few years ago. I do not have to set one more foot down this path others have laid out for me. And in that moment, I was not chained by my race, my class, my gender, or the judgement of others. I was free to be whoever I wanted to be.

It reminds me of the feeling of being a child. Looking out at the world for the first time, and seeing everything, but not judging it. Accepting, and learning, and incorporating every new bit of information without hesitation.

t's not music, but here is a dream meditation that takes you into that state of acceptance:

http://www.chopra.com/dream-meditation

And, because I respect this forum, and don't want to derail the thread, here is a song that makes me feel the same way yours does. The feeling of longing to be free. There aren't any words, but I think you'll understand. Debussy, in the style of French composers from his time, dictated precisely what to play, and how to play it. So, unlike most classical music, which is played with the expression of the performer, Debussy's work is always played with the same expression he felt when composing it:

https://youtu.be/YEyKM13yf_4

There is a story that goes along with it, if you want to find it. I don't think I'd do it justice in retelling.

Woodsgnome, your song describes perfectly what I think we all feel sometimes. Sometimes, it's like there's a wild child in control, scared, and doing everything it can to survive. I'm glad you've been able to connect with your inner child so well, to be able to hear it like that. Good for you!  :hug: Keep listening!
#8
I have a roommate like this. He interrupts constantly, and always thinks he knows what you're going to say. A lot of times, he does know, and so it saves time, but when that doesn't happen, it gets... messy. Put three martial artists in a house together, and the fights can get interesting, to say the least.  :aaauuugh: :blowup: :aaauuugh:

The only way I've found to deal with it without resorting to distraction by minor acts of violence is to let him talk himself out. Once he's calmed down attention can usually be called to the problem, and he can fix it himself. Unfortunately, he tends to conveniently forget that conversation once the next argument comes around.  :doh:

I really like the idea of the talking stone. Very peaceful sounding. Maybe that'll get my roomie to remember that he's not omniscient.
#9
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Cool New Tools
September 16, 2015, 04:44:58 AM
My lovely and dear friend has been sharing her tools for recovery with me, and I would like to pass them along to everyone here.  ;D

Tool #1:
When you're feeling anxious about a particular event, construct a personal narrative that goes beyond completing your goal. Include how you feel now, how you will feel during your task, and how you will feel afterwards. It doesn't have to be profound, or even in a spoken language.

Tool #2:
When you don't know what you want out of life, and can't figure out what to do next, sometimes it helps to break it down. Think of an inspiring (not necessarily good) moment in your life. Then answer these questions about it: Where are you? What would you like to achieve? How can you achieve it? Don't worry if you can't answer every question. Do this with as many moments of inspiration as you can.

Both of these tools have helped me, although the second one is wearisome, and should only be undertaken if you know where your limits are. What I like about them is that they can be used at times when writing in a journal, or otherwise expressing emotion is impractical.
#10
Therapy / Re: Self discovery - personality types
September 16, 2015, 04:31:29 AM
I took many, many personality tests in my journey. I had no idea who I was, or who I wanted to be. I'd like to think it helped a bit. That said, personality tests are geared toward mentally healthy people, and are a very small picture of who you are, dependent heavily on personal bias, and your current emotional state. For example, I usually score INTJ on Meyers-Briggs and Jungian personality tests. However, I have had days when I've been considered an INFP, or even an ESFJ through Meyers-Briggs. M-B is very dependent on emotional state, and since people with C-PTSD tend to have very unstable emotions, it's almost guaranteed not to tell you anything concrete about your life.

Jungian philosophy is cool, because he was more interested in the thought process itself. If you want to know more about your Jungian type, I would suggest reading his book:

http://www.amazon.com/Psychological-Types-Collected-Works-Bollingen/dp/0691018138/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1442373265&sr=1-1&keywords=Psychological+types

Unfortunately, it's old, and not a very light read, but it's quite interesting. I read it when I was in the midst of my personality test craze, and I survived.  :yes: It was a commitment, though, and I had to do a lot of research just to be able to understand some of his ideas. There are lighter books by other people about Jung's theories as well.

The Big 5  personality test is something you might want to look into. It's pretty stable, for something so biased, and it basically tests your innate values. I score about average on everything every time I take it. Here's a link for a pretty in-depth one. This one tests your cognition and integrity as well as the usual Big 5: https://sapa-project.org/

This report says I'm about average on all of the Big Six personality factors. Is this right?
'https://sapa-project.org/survey/report.php?s=656555445555555455&p=161145167153154149136136146155152148153159151138150150&sd=202719892044200920091999196519651990201320041996200620232003197020012000&c=116116113&a=7.3'

My friend (who has also had a rough childhood) shared with me a tool she found to help figure out what she wants out of life. For as many inspirational (not necessarily good) memory you have, write down the following: Where you are, What you would like to do, and How you can achieve it.
#11
Professionals / How did you find your GP?
September 15, 2015, 02:36:08 PM
I recently qualified for health insurance through my place of work, something I haven't had since I was 14. I need to go about finding a GP, but I honestly have no idea where to start. My health plan came with a list of doctors, but I can't find profiles online like I could when I was looking for a psychiatrist, and I find it a terrifying prospect to pick someone blindly, entrust them with my body, and hope for the best.

How did you guys select a GP? Is there anything I should look for in particular? Why do there seem to be so many different types of primary care physician? Am I looking for an internalist, a family doctor, or some other type I don't know of? What are warning signs that will tell me if my doctor can't be trusted? How do you guys get over your fear of going? It's terrifying for me to consider being touched and prodded by someone I just met.

I feel so overwhelmed by this. I keep thinking, it should be so simple. But I feel like I'm going in blind, and that's not comfortable no matter how simple the situation.
#12
I found an old post by Sandals that I really relate to: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=561.0

My M physically abused me a lot, but it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with even using the word abuse to describe what happened to me. I've compartmentalized the physical abuse I went through until it feels like it happened to someone else.

{There are definite triggers below.}

The flyswatter was a big one. When I got older, I learned to dissociate from the pain, but when my M beat me, she would keep going until she got a reaction. A couple times, I refused to give her one for so long, she broke the flyswatter on me, and gave up using it. She continued to beat me with her hands, but I still count it as a small victory. She would also whip me with belts, which left welts, but at least they didn't have fly guts still sticking to them.

My M threw things at me constantly. Her shoe, the phone, whatever was nearby. Once, she threw the remote control at my face so hard she broke my nose. I sat there for a while, in front of my siblings, bleeding quite profusely, before I came to my senses and cleaned myself up. My M just told me she didn't mean to hit my face, and that I should get over myself, and not talk while she was on the phone. My nose was never looked at by a doctor.

My M used to sit on me to make me stay still while she punched me, or to crush me. Once, when she was ranting about how much she hated me,and wanted to kill me, I told her she may as well go and do it then, since it's what she wants. She sat on me, and crushed me until I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to die.

Once, I tried to talk to my M while she was eating before work. She was enraged by whatever I was saying, and freaked out about how I wasn't letting her eat. As she stormed out of the door, she spat her half-chewed food in my face. This was when I realized she didn't love me.

If my M felt too much like outright murdering me at the time of my offense, she would wait until she had cooled down a bit to beat me. Sometimes, this wasn't until after I was asleep. I learned to sleep lightly, so I could hear her coming. My reaction to being woken suddenly is still very violent.

If my M found a paper on the floor of my room, or something I wrote that she didn't like, she would ball it up, and try to cram it into my mouth to make me eat it.

I've had boiling hot water poured on me multiple times. The water wasn't purposeful, it was just in whatever container my M decided to smack me in the head with. The coffee pot, her mug, or saucepans.

My M would whack all of us on the head with the hairbrush if we moved while she was brushing our hair. I was dragged around by the hair more than once. Once I turned 18, and I had a choice, I cut my hair short.

Pretty much anything was fair game, as long as it didn't leave a mark. I'm an old pro at taking punches, as you learn quickly once you've been horribly winded and defenseless a few times. I knew it was time to get out of the house once my M left me with bruises on my face because the principal at school had told her she could use any means she wanted to punish me for being "out of control." (I had stayed over at a friend's house an extra night.) Someone would have been seriously injured if I had stayed, and I'm not sure whether it would have been myself, or M.

I still feel numb writing this, but a few weeks ago, I had a good, angry crying session over the injustice of it all. What kind of monster does things like that to a little kid? Or a big kid? Or a human?

I get the shakes when I talk about this.
#13
Good for you, staying out of the drama!  :applause:

I know how difficult it is to extricate yourself from people like that. It takes a lot of courage to say no. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself by doing that. I'm also glad you had such a good resource before you went NC. I hope your dad and bro are understanding.
#14
What a lovely song. :applause: I found a live version, too, that was more subdued, and it's amazing how well it works both ways. I was having a down day today, but I feel more determined now.

Quote"It takes courage, to enjoy it"

It takes a great deal of courage for me to get out of my head. Or let myself feel. And to interact with other people takes a lot out of me. But I always enjoy myself, if I want to.

Quote"I don't know my future after this weekend
And I don't want to"

If I knew my future, it would only be one more thing to let go of, that I can't change. I'm with Bjork. I'll take the present, thanks very much.

I have been reading a lot of philosophy lately, and more specifically, philosophical stances on death. Wittgenstein said death is not an experience in life. Therefore, there's no point in fearing death. In the same vein, the future is not an experience in life. Therefore, there's no point in fearing for the future. Living in the present is the best and most fulfilling kind of life. If you live only in your head, all you will know is the inside of your head. But living in the present allows you to experience so much more. I want to be better at mindfulness. I want to never again feel the urge to retreat into my head. I wish it wasn't so hard, but I will practice, and get better, and in time it will get easier.  :yes:
#15
Music / Re: Let's hear it for the music! (reprise)
September 09, 2015, 04:10:51 AM
This is how I feel about the world right now. I've been in love with this song for the past week. Even though it's upbeat, I find it soothing.

Also, THAT VOICE.  :blowup:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vnoz5uBEWOA