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Messages - Boatsetsailrose

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1
Hi both
Thanks blueberry for the hug
Thanks kizzie... Yes it is frustrating and upsetting at times isn't it. I didn't know u had it too. Today been having some more acceptance around it.
Do u have a pattern to yours?

2
I was convinced I'd healed from my severe fatigue /pain issues. Just had amazing 2 wks life was opening up again. Been having chakra healing.
I'm still hopeful and the fact I had 2 good wks is great..
Back on the bed now... Fed up frustrated

3
Medication / Re: Reducing off meds...
« on: July 15, 2020, 08:48:59 AM »
Hi slim
Good to hear u..
Morning from bristol, uk
Good to hear the depression hasn't returned..
I've been having intensive chakra healing too and really feels some shifts in my energy and the changing of brain structure. I can also see much of my depression was actually self pity... Might sound a bit harsh but some of it was just my default setting. Now I know what happened to me re trauma wasn't actually anything to do with me, I could have been any girl and that my parents are trauma survivors themselves it has given me a healed perspective. I still consistently need to work with not self beating but I can see many of my patterns led me to deep low mood and now I have so many tools to exit before the drop.
So grateful..
I hadn't heard of the cheese grater method I assume it's the slicer part of the grater? Hard to gauge what a 1mg is? Did u do this method? I I am going to ask for citalopram drops to reduce further... Good to hear about that method as a back up..
Mind website has some good advice around med withdrawal and the longer its been on etc also withdrawal effects can get more intense the lower the dose which I def identify with...
Gonna stay on this 10mg for a good while before dropping again... If I do drops I think I'd need to drop to 8mg will speak with GP about this...

4
Medication / Reducing off meds...
« on: July 14, 2020, 08:18:09 PM »
Hi all
Haven't posted for a while and it's good to be back...
Need to also reach out and acknowledge newcomers is good to do that as I was new once!
I'm at a stage in my recovery where I've just finished an amazing piece of therapy... Been doing intensive trauma work of varying kinds for the past 5 yrs +..
I'm now reducing off ssri.. Have done so before but with unhealed trauma was too much and went back on.
I now feel at this stage that I can do this and keep walking with support and slowly doing it. I'm currently on 10mg it was 30mg.this last reduction has been the most bumpy..life seems big and overwhelming as I come back into a more feeling view. I'm so grateful to be at this place it's been work to get here and I've had incredible support. It's just the fear of not being in control (not that I was before but the meds give that cushion.. If I keep it in the day /the moment I'm OK.
Any postitive stories around coming off and staying off would be great...
Or indeed anyones experience of reducing...

5
Good insight lily pad... Its interesting to start to see the relationship between the 2...therapy has helped me a lot to be more in touch with inner critic

6
General Discussion / Re: Is she a narc ?
« on: June 09, 2020, 03:32:59 AM »
Hi three roses
Thank u for your response
That is just on parr with how I have been looking at it this past week.
It is from her damage and has NOTHING to do with me...
I have that book! And had actually put it in the charity bag so I'm gonna dig it out and re check it out with regard to this person...
Thank u dear and I hope this finds u well

7
Hi eyes so blue
Great to hear you..
Yes, my understanding is cfs is an umbrella.term for a collection of symptoms that aren't truly understood. There is no conclusive science and so the medical world often scratch their head and in my case I've definatley experienced that 'glazed over look on the doctors face. In my case I have been referred to the hospital under a specialist service for cfs but there is no medical imput or further testing etc. The treatment is by a physio helping me to look at lifestyle changes /self care.
Interms of meds. I only take a stronger anti inflammatory when the pain with fibro is unbearable.
From the research and forums I have been on trauma /severe stress is a definate component of cfs type symptoms.. The body speaks the mind and all. Many of us had a virus and that on top of emotional stress was the tipping factor. In my case I def know stress from cptsd and life has been the tipping point for me.
My experience is that I started to get unwell when I was working as a  nursr the stress was just too much.. My mental state was deteriorating as I put down my addictions and cptsd was diagnosed.. I've pretty much lived for the past 4 yrs in bed a lot either due to mental, physical health and both. For me things have got worse not better. I let my career go nearly 2 yrs ago and haven't worked since, I can't. At my worst I am really unwell with severe exhaustion and all the collection of symptoms that come under cfs.. I'm just been on bed rest for a week the only energy I have is for eating. I experience a lot of physical stuff with it, shortness of breath, dizzy, glands, headache, non restful sleep and the list goes on.
For me having this diagnosis has been helpful as I have been able to read research, join forum and get extra support. It is v isolating. However I don't write myself off and as u point out if I take the label away I'm left with physical wipe out from a largely nervous system problem... I'm tackling mine from lots of treatment angles.
So glad to hear of your success in lifting symptoms via your attitude that is great.. Not something that many can do from what I have heard..
Keep up being well and not being in another label that you don't find helpful.
Keep thriving dear...

8
General Discussion / Is she a narc ?
« on: June 06, 2020, 12:24:26 PM »
There is a women in my recovery programme who I've known for 5 years..
I became more friends with her and stayed at her house few times ..
I now don't speak with her on recovery calls or interact with her due to her condescending ,superior and iron fist attitude. I used to take it on calls cause she used to say helpful recovery stuff but the way it was delivered id get in a bad mood and in the end wasn't worth it .
She openly says she has bpd and in some ways I think I've denied that as she has good eating disorder recovery.
Over time I've just hated her more and now I cant stand her .
This morning she was on the zoom meeting and get what she is the secretary surprise surprise .someone else was leading the meeting and there was an issue with sound .I spoke to the host and said I don't think the leader is on the line ...with that said person said ' Yes she is on the line ' in a sort a authoritative slightly aggressive way ....
My anger went off like a rocket (internally)  and I was close to saying something of which I didn't and am glad I didn't...I wanted to say why do u talk to people like they are idiots !
I'm now wondering if she is a narc she seems to fit the bill ...really inflated sense of self importance yet I know from her that she has crushing low self worth..
I'm not saying i don't have some personality issues to work on and my goodness i can be condesending and ego at times too..
I want to work on this anger I have towards her and be able to let it go ...its only eating me up..she is a sick person and I don't need to interact ..
I have thought about not going to that meeting but it is one of the UK meetings and I need to be there to help newcomers ..
My lesson from today is to not offer any comments about the meeting ,just do my share and be quiet ...
I need to not focus on this women and expect her do what she does and know it's nothing to do with me ...
It helps me to reflect on my own behaviour and when I'm being self righteous ego etc how that must be for other people ...glad I can see it a bit more in myself and can work with it ...
Any thoughts /experiences on the behaviour i describe about her ...the condescending ,superior ,iron fist type ...
Any ways to think abouT it deal with it ?

9
Yes, it's so easy for outter to become inner... But grateful I get to see it a bit more clearly these days..
After all this is an attachment disorder.. I don't like that part of cptsd... But am so pleased my attachment is the best it's ever been with myself... And nope resting hey... Now a whole new area of relating outwardly... Gee... This is work!
But I am going to give myself a bit of a break I think... I'm just ending CAT therapy and need to allow myself space..
Perfectionism can jump on for me and I expect a great deal of myself..
Breathe take space let life flow for a bit boat's...

10
I've found as I've done healing through trauma therapy and my self hatred has now turned to a sometimes being hard on myself... I have started to believe that a higher power loves me

11
Announcements / Re: The Coronavirus Pandemic
« on: May 08, 2020, 02:30:22 PM »
How is everyone doing? We are in wk 6 of lockdown in the UK.. Blessed with good weather at least...

12
General Discussion / Re: Relationships are hard
« on: May 08, 2020, 01:56:31 PM »
Thanks three roses appreciate that..

13
General Discussion / Relationships are hard
« on: May 07, 2020, 08:58:54 AM »
Relationships are hard.. When they are working they are amazing when there is struggle I just run..
I'm fearful of speaking up.. Being able to do this in a considerate and kind way..
Then I go understand drown in resentment, anger, venom and am left choking..
All thoughts welcome

14
Hi all
Not sure if this is posted in the right place?
I've just had a lightbulb moment...
I had recent contact with Ubpd m and it went done Hill rapidly. When I made the decison to go NC again (3 Rd time lucky) I was surprised I didn't go into EF although I did when we were in contact.
However I had about 1.5 wks of severe Outer Critic I can now see this was a fear response. It was playing out in all my thinking /interactions with people in my life.. A loud critical /judgemental everyone is stupid useless and I need to control them. I've read about outer critic before but what has happened is i haven't seen it so clearly as a fear response and also that it's my m voice projecting through me towards others... Basically what she did and does like 24/7.
I feel a relief from both these realisations.. Once I got a hold of why and how I began to take hold and come back to self compassion and compassion and acceptance of others as good enough. Things now have resumed to a sembelence of normal which I'm most pleased about.
I don't know where outer critic posts are put on the board and I get the feeling this isn't the right thread..
Anyone know?


15
Building Protective Factors / Sadness...
« on: May 02, 2020, 04:36:16 PM »
Feel sad today and that is OK.. Sometimes I do.
No psychoanalysis just sad feelings..
Laying here thinking I wish I had a mother.. But the reality is I do, and she is far too unwell and unstable to be near. Its always been this way. Sometimes I'd like to speak to someone who understands from a different perspective someone who has a well mother. But then if someone says how sad it is and how I deserve to have one I don't really feel anything because it's not how it is.. And what's the point of morning.
However, today here on my own I feel it. I wish I had a mother.
I used to think I was adopted and one day I'd find my family, I believed this.
Wouldn't that be something. I've had recent contact with my m after yrs and it went horribly wrong so hence its raw.
It would be so nice to have a m that was caring, thoughtful, loving, kind, patient, nurturing.. In fact I wouldn't mind not changing m just having the one I've got we have a lot in common..
My f has a real father that he never met, he was an American pilot during the 2nd World War.. I could have a whole family I've never met. My f is 74 and doesn't want to do any tracing. I'd like to I think . I might find my that my f has half brother /sister they would be my uncle or aunt,, cousins etc..
Thing is all I have is my grandfather's name no dob.. No other info..
And if existing family don't know about my f they won't be looking...
It's a long shot..
And then to feel. Connected to people who are connected to someone I never met...

Urrrrr

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