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Messages - purplegiraffe

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hi BlancaLap,

Sorry to hear that you've been through something similar with your mother. 

I am reminded that once I asked my mum about trust, and she said she trusts no one - but it isn't true because she trusts her partner, who was abusive.

It seems as if she's always got a quick answer that's difficult to refute if I try to talk to her, and it may not be a true answer but it is one she is willing to believe, perhaps because she just wants certain topics to go away.   

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Emotional/Physical/Sexual Abuse/Harassment/Violence / Re: Bullying
« on: November 19, 2017, 06:46:37 PM »
For me also, the bullying started at home.  From then on I struggled with fitting into groups and standing up for myself too, and even now as an adult, I am treated differently but in more subtle ways.

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After writing the above, I've had a think.  It's complicated. I think our attachment went wrong and she's been like an older sister rather than a mother a lot of the time. 

Also, when I reread what I wrote, I wondered if I was 'tearing down' some of the good that there's been in the relationship, because of the bad stuff that's happened, if that makes sense.

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I don't know how to get to a healthier place in this relationship.  Basically I've been overshadowed/dominated by my mother for many years.  She can be really loving and nice to be with, but it comes at a price, which is denial of or minimising past abuse.  When I've tried to confront her over the past - she's either said nothing, and later come back with a kind of 'reframed' reality which she says happened, or else she tells me what I've said isn't true and reframes it there and then. 

She has a very firm belief that she did the best she could bringing me up - but did once admit that she abandoned me emotionally when she met a new partner when I was aged about three (who picked on me pretty relentlessly at times).  There was barely any physical contact between us (ie no hugs) from when I was small till when she tried to hug me when I wanted to leave home at age 17, which I angrily stiffened at. 

I know there's no point going on and on about the past, but I've had mental illness which has been pretty severe at times and then on the phone the other day she was saying how hard it must have been for me (which I think she may only be realising a little because one of my siblings closer to her has been ill too and she and her partner are pulling out all the stops to support them), but straight away she then started saying how hard it had been for her to watch me being ill !!!!!  lol!!   I just can't take it seriously - it just seems like platitudes (if that's the right word?).

But at the same time, as having these mixed up feelings towards her, I know I've been emotionally dependent on the relationship - in fact I feel I've been groomed to be  - also groomed to be there for her to share about whats going on in her life.   Its complicated.  I don't feel my needs for nurturing ever got met and I have been hanging on for years somehow hoping, but I'm recognising I'm very angry with her.

Can anyone relate to this kind of enmeshment of boundaries?  I don't feel that I've been able to grow.  In fact if I show signs of growing in a particular direction, she tends to jump on what I'm doing and then it seems try to 'own' it as an experience for her, kind of like a jealous older sister (she's also admitted to me that she envies other people and then is determined to have what they have or do what they do so that she doesn't have to envy anymore). 

I feel like I'm hooked in so deep.  I don't have another person who would necessarily turn up and help out if I got ill at home for example.  I do have friends, but that's another story, as there are reasons I may be seeking another friendship group soon. 

Can anyone relate to this kind of enmeshment and undermining which can at times be confusing because of affection and 'love' or love-bombing??  I don't know if it really is love anymore when there hasn't been honesty over the degree of hurt that there's been.     

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 29, 2017, 06:06:16 AM »
I couldn't spend much time with either parent. They both triggered different but highly uncomfortable issues with me, and it would take days to recover from any kind of time spent with them.

 :hug:

I can really relate ..... I had noticed problems for a very long time, but every time I wanted to go no contact I would feel obligated or so guilty that I maintained the relationship.  This was the first time though that I was able to see so clearly the link with him in particular and me having had a number of  breakdowns in the past, without even looking more closely at my mother.  I'm so grateful to be here.  Thanks to everyone for their support x

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 28, 2017, 08:44:14 PM »
After writing the above I realised how crazy that must seem to vent out loud....just wanted to clarify that that's really out of character for me!   I realised I had been very stressed and sadly I can't afford to spend too much time together with dad .

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 28, 2017, 06:29:52 PM »
Thanks for your thoughtful and kind replies blueberry and candid, I'm sorry for delayed reply .... been having pc trouble. 

On the positive side I decided I would try to write or paint a little each day to get my brain working.  This has started to help me feel I'm achieving something.

I realised today that I really can't stand being with my father to the extent that i start ruminating and find it difficult not to vent out loud after I've been with him.   So I have a debt to pay off which ties me to him, so I've got to pay it off as quickly as possible to be more free of him.  Which I guess is good to realise and have a plan.


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Physical Abuse / Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« on: July 24, 2017, 05:31:31 PM »
Thanks for your replies which confirmed what I felt.  There seems to be so much denial from people.  I left that particular T over a couple of issues  ......now I can see she used to minimise and invalidate..... she said it was normal rough play and not to get involved.  At the time having tried unsuccessfully to intervene, I lacked confidence to take it further due to struggling myself and didnt trust my own judgment enough but was relieved when it stopped.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 24, 2017, 05:19:56 PM »

Purplegiraffe,

Any step is better than no steps.  Also, what works for one person might not for another.  There is no competition, we all proceed at our own pace.  Sometimes I take one step forward and two back....but then I take another step forward.  It's okay.

Thanks Dee - I really needed to hear that.   :hug:

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 24, 2017, 05:17:48 PM »
hey, purplegiraffe,

not being validated by professionals is so energy-sapping, isn't it?  i can totally relate.  that's been going on with me for more than 30 yrs. 

we here know the consequences of childhood abuse/neglect in all its many forms.  you are completely validated here.  i agree with libby about breaking things down to manageable pieces, and with dee about one step, then the next, even if they're tiny baby steps.  they still count.

you have survived so far, and i have no doubt that your strength and determination, two qualities that have gotten you this far, will continue to serve you well.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you.     :hug:

Thank you  :hug: .... I really appreciate all the replies here. 

(Sorry if sometimes I seem a bit brief a times but I'm using a mobile)

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 24, 2017, 04:36:11 PM »
Hello purplegiraffe.

My heart goes out to you.  I understand so well the terrible damage that childhood abuse and emotional neglect does cause.  I am constantly shocked that doctors and other health workers seem to refuse to accept this and just brush it aside.  I just don't understand it.

I am new to this forum so I just wanted to say that I really feel for you.  Please just look after yourself and don't give up on asking for the help that you clearly need. Working whilst feeling so fragile and exhausted is just too much to bear,  I know.

Please take care and keep in touch with everyone here.

Libby

Hi Libby, thanks for your reply and for caring.  I'm very relieved to have found this forum.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 24, 2017, 04:33:09 PM »

I also get the urge to hide or runaway.  It takes everything I have not to.  If I have felt that I have done something wrong it is horrible.  Most of the time I have not done anything wrong.  I do feel like a child.

Where do you start?  How about with the first step, then the next, and then the next.  Break it down to manageable portions.  Make a plan, write it down, and start with the first thing.  If I role play in my head it helps.  I do it quite a bit when I am afraid of something.  I anticipate questions and how I might answer.  I also anticipate situations.  This way I at least feel more confident going in.

We are here for you.  You can share your first step here.  Maybe your first step is to  assess your skills or decide what you want to do, or research jobs?  Or maybe to look at a school?  Or maybe to find a support group?  Either way, you can do this!

Thanks for your reply Dee and for encouraging me.  The steps I feel able to take seem tiny compared to other people.   Having thought about your reply, i think I'm going to start making time to be creative in the week because at the moment I have no hobbiess or interests.  Well I'm going to try without destroying what I make which has been usually what has happened, which is another topic.  Maybe being creative might help with problem solving?

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Physical Abuse / Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« on: July 24, 2017, 04:23:08 PM »
Hi sanmagic7,

Thanks for your reply.  I just wanted to check out what happened with someone ... it was an adult overpowering a child and it always started out as play but ended nearly every time with the child hurt (age 10-12) and upset and the adult unapologetic.

It's not happening now thankfully.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / No help and running out of ideas
« on: July 24, 2017, 02:28:46 PM »
My appointments are stopping with the mental health services.  I've been stuck in a loop with them for years because they diagnosed me but didn't recognise cptsd and the only person - a support worker - who showed any interest in acknowedging childhood emotional neglect and abuse has left.  Being ignored or invalidated has been happening over and over again like a broken record. 

I think because I can be articulate and my parents are charming I have been written off.

So currently my welfare payments are at risk and I'm realising for the first time really i struggle with social skills.  I manage fine for a short window of time per week but then just want to hide or run away and the urge is overwhelming and I go quiet and I know people sometimes sense there's something wrong or other times they don't guess at all but my anxiety grows and I usually end up saying I'm ill or I've got to get back home and then I'll sleep, eat or if really triggered self harm or get in a muddle ruminating  etc. 

My home is chaotic....I don't know how I can think really clearly on one topic and create a mess at the same time!

Where do I start with trying to change many years of struggling to cope with day to day issues when there is no one to validate any progress?   It's so embarrassing lacking life skills at my age now and noone currently is supporting my conviction this is fallout from cptsd and family issues.  I feel deeply humiliated and ashamed.

I don't want to go to work because it would take all my energy just to manage part time but I may have to and I'm really concerned about it.

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Emotional Abuse / Re: 'blanking'
« on: July 19, 2017, 06:31:22 PM »
Thanks for all your replies , which certainly gave me food for thought.  I think in some situations it has been a kind of 'controlling' blank , if that makes sense - in other words, sending the message that 'you don't matter' etc.  But other times I can see it could be for any number of reasons.

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