Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Messages - MarieKT

#1
Sleep Issues / Re: Sleep Disorder for Life?
October 09, 2019, 05:24:02 PM
Thanks for the response. I live in PA and have a medical card here. Cannabis has really helped me over the years but it has its limits, for me. Most people find that Indica cannabis strains make them sleepy and put them to bed. When I was younger I remember this effect. Unfortunately, it no longer works for me to get to sleep. I did just buy a THC tincture spray that is supposed to be for sleep. Fortunately it gets me high, unfortunately no sleep however.
#2
I understand your sentiment and I feel the same way. I've tried therapy, not as many times as you have, but multiple times. My personality makes me impossible to help in any real way. There's a natural defensiveness that I'm sure many of us have. I've also learned to not disclose my feelings, especially to trained professionals. I know the course of treatment when you tell a doctor you are suicidally depressed, and I just never wanted to have what remains of my life uprooted like that. I hope it helps in some way knowing that another person feels the same way.....Good luck
#3
Sleep Issues / Sleep Disorder for Life?
October 09, 2019, 12:37:43 PM
            I recently had an appointment with my now, only doctor, my psychiatrist. I was relaying to him my problems with sleeping. Basically, that I get anxiety at night and wake very easily and can't go back to sleep. He started to probe me slightly as to whether anything traumatic had happened to me. I did mention, I thought it relevant, that my father did not let us sleep very often. Nights were always chaos and filled with being awoken many times by my dad. It wasn't every night, and some were certainly worse than others, but I would say at least half the time, if not more. I stressed that it wasn't a matter of waking you up once, it was often many times a night. I didn't go into much detail with him, and he likewise didn't ask. He seemed to think it had a lot to do with my current sleep issue. He repeated several times how traumatic that is to have gone through; I vaguely agreed and then changed the subject.
             I have a difficult time with the label of being a traumatized person. It seems to denote someone who needs help, or is in some way damaged. I admit that I could fit that criteria, and yet I am repulsed by it. I prefer people not to look at me too closely, I prefer to stay in the background. I am very uncomfortable with people being sympathetic towards me, and I suppose that  is why I feel so strange admitting these things to him. I typically like to speak to my psychiatrist  about ideas and concepts, and he seems to like that as well. I've actually been his patient for something like twelve or thirteen years! As a psychiatrist, I kind of felt that I just needed to relay certain symptoms with him, rather than the cause of those symptoms.
            I felt there was nothing he could actually do for me in the end. I spoke with him, and he can't write me scripts forever for sleep medications that are ultimately addictive (I have a history of being addicted). My problems with sleep are more lifelong. He knows I use cannabis and suggested looking there for a sleep aid. He couldn't really offer any solutions for me. I am ultimately left to deal with it myself, and it does increasingly feel like a lifelong problem for me, which might never be solved. I'm starting to believe my brain was damaged by the constant startle response from being awoken and scared so often. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself for the rest of my life, we all need sleep...I guess it's just never going to be easy for me.
#4
Therapy / Re: Is therapy necessary?
April 04, 2019, 03:30:49 AM
I definately think that I am totally uncomfortably with emotions, others and my own. Even after 4+ years with the last therapist, I never so much as cried or really ever came close. With my best friend, I could show emotion like that, but not someone paid. I understand, in a vague way, how I felt at the time these traumatic things happened, but  I can't really connect with myself at that age. i feel some sadness for what might have been, but that's about the end of my feelings towards my childhood. I kind of just want to forget about it and move on, which is, I believe, at times, possible. At other times it's admittedly not, and I feel really damaged by it. I felt like this very intensely during the last time I was in therapy; hopelessly * up, like I would never be alright just by myself. I feel more competent, as a person, when I rely mostly on myself. As I get older, I become more reclusive and less inclined to seek medical advice, of any kind. I actually haven't had a regular doctor in  about 10 years. I do appreciate forums like these, since I don't really talk about these issues anywhere else!
#5
Therapy / Re: Is therapy necessary?
April 02, 2019, 02:20:23 AM
Thanks for the replies. I don't feel like I'm necessarily surpressing the details of what happened. I can actually relay them back to another person with no emotion. I have actually done this with a therapist, but it didn't really make me feel any better. I'm not sure if this has to do with the fact that I was born into this situation and there was no before to reference.  It seems, that because there was no 'before,' there really is no 'me'  devoid of these traumatic incidents. It seems that some of the stranger aspects of my personality are just mine now. I've also finally realized that therapy also takes effort on my part, and I've never really been willing to do that, not in effective ways at least. Another key element I seem to be missing is the ability to trust and be honest, I do not possess the ability to trust a paid stranger. I have a hard enough time trusting the people closest to me! 
#6
Therapy / Is therapy necessary?
March 30, 2019, 03:32:17 AM
          I am curious to see others' opinions of a particular issue. Do you guys think therapy is necessary for a person with c-ptsd to live a relatively normal life?
           I haven't been in therapy for about 8 years or so. There were times when I thought about going back, but I suppose only because I realized I had problems, and not because I believed therapy would actually help. It never did seem to help, just seemed to exacerbate my problems by focusing on them.
              I definately haven't solved my problems on my own, but I try to be at least self reflective of my actions. Over time, I have become more suspicious of doctors and more inclined to just rely on myself. This definitely doesn't always work out. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm just putting a baidaid on a really gruesome wound, but I feel like ultimately I might be able to just do that until my life is over.
           It's also difficult sometimes for me to see myself as someone who had a traumatic childhood. I just feel constantly like I'm making it worse than it was or that I'm simply weak.  I think this is especially true because the abuse was primarily  emotional. I feel like I am just exaggerating what happened and ruminating on it.
            I suppose my question is, do you think it's neccessary for a person to have therapy in which they discuss the nature of their abuse? Or, is it redundant? Is a person who has experienced trauma simply holding on to it by talking about it with a therapist? I feel like we're all just trying to get by, in a universal sense, and that I can quite possibly make it to the end of my life without having to delve into the past.
#7
           It was pretty terrifying and unpredictable for sure! I just tried to stay out of my dad's way for the most part. That didn't really matter for being dragged out of bed at night though, it was just because I was there. 
           I've actually been in therapy before, for a number of years, but it hasn't been much help to me. I shoulder most of that respondsibility, in that, I never became comfortable enough to be open. I used it as an intellectual pissing match, and apparently, I was not bothered wasting my own money for this purpose.
            I've been smoking marijuana since early high school, with a break during college. I'm grateful for it, in that, it has kept me sane. I think I rely on it a bit too much though.
#8
            Thanks for your reply.  I think I'm also hesitant to get that label for myself. I feel like I don't know what it comes with.  I've known this doctor for 10 years and have not really mentioned this to him. To be fair, some of the symptoms i was not aware we're indicators of c-ptsd. I, like you, stumbled upon this term and felt like it fit (in my case, sometimes I feel like it fits). Also, I recall him saying, not long after I met him that,  'this isn't therapy.' He also told me he didn't really believe in therapy. This was, granted, a long time ago, and I'm pretty sure his feelings have changed on the matter, but I suppose, from that point on, I just decided to stay superficial with him or talk about common interests or ideas. It's very easy for me to do this because I would rather not mention deeper problems. I believe the last serious problem I mentioned was, passing out and losing consciousness. I guess that was disruptive enough to make it pertinent, but most things are not. They may be internally disruptive, but I tend to hide that. I'm not even sure I know what I'm talking about now, just more rambling...
Thanks again
#9
         I keep going back and forth with the idea that there was 'abuse' in my childhood, or that this could have lead to complex ptsd. I keep thinking to myself that it was a long time ago, and now I'm just using it as an excuse for my character flaws, and poor decisions. I also think back to the past and compare myself to others in worse situations.
           I also have a tendency to feel like it was all my fault, but I was always told it was all my fault. When you hear that, you begin to think you're an inherently bad person.
          Since nearly all of it was emotional and psychological, it's easy to just pretend it never happened. I have no physical scars to show for it. I have some particularly bad memories from childhood, but I feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion.     
         Maybe it's as simple as my dad was an alcoholic, who had an abusive temperament. That the stress my father caused the family then lead to my brother physically being rough with me in slightly cruel ways (holding me down, holding me upside down, twisting my arm and occasionally pushing me, or attempting to push me down our stairs). My mom favored my brother, so protected him, over me. She also tried to protect him more from our father. I tried to sympathize and console her when he was cruel towards her (and granted I was only between 5-10 years old) but in return, she would often tell me I deserved whatever I got from my father and my brother.
        When I came across the term Complex PTSD, I believed it could apply to me in the sense, that it refers to being held captive, with no means of escape. My dad was always particularly ill tempered, after spending his late nights drinking, and would wake us up, sometimes many times a night, just to wake us up, sometimes drag me out of bed, often just to turn on lights and open the door, sometimes just to scream obscenities. Or the times he would drive out on icy country roads to 'test the breaks.' Late, really late, on the way back from family friends of ours, he would let the car skid out and do it again and again. You would think that us screaming in the car would have made him stop, but unfortunately that just made it more fun for him.
           Instants such as these made me think I fit parts of the diagnosis of complex ptsd, but I'm not sure now. I feel like maybe it's just a regular dysfunctional family and I'm making too much out of it, that I'm putting myself in a category I don't belong.
            I was considering mentioning this to my doctor, it's not something I really care to talk about, but I wanted the diagnosis so I could get medical cannabis. I feel like bringing it up is almost putting too much attention on myself. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to be the focus of attention, probably because I have Panic Disorder. Bringing something up about c-ptsd is, I would imagine, a bigger deal than something like, I have a fear of spiders. It denotes that you probably have real problems, big problems. I vacillate on this a lot, and then I think I'm being dramatic, that I don't meet that diagnostic criteria for c-ptsd, and that I'll just buy my weed through my buddy, like everyone else does.

Thanks for reading..
           
#10
General Discussion / Re: Could use some advice!
October 09, 2018, 03:41:14 AM
You are probably correct in your assumption of this problem of mine. I think part of dilemma about bringing up the past is, I feel like it focuses too much attention on me. If there's one thing I particularly dislike in this world, it's drawing attention to myself. I'm perfectly fine speaking about abstract topics or general niceties, but when someone asks me question about my personal feelings about childhood mistreatment, I clam up. I guess i'll have to judge to what extent I want to try to get medical marijuana. I've always gone to a dealer, but have recently been spoiled on an epileptic friend's medical cannabis. Thanks!
#11
I believe I may have c-ptsd from various events which occurred between birth and age 15. Long story short, my father was very unpredictable and cruel to my mom, my brother and I. He was always a negative presence in my life as a child, and I was terrified of him. One of the more damaging things he did, was use sleep deprivation as a form of abuse. He would often trap me and scream at me for events going on in the world, that I obviously had no part in. He really enjoyed using fear, and he had a particular look in his eyes that denoted the extreme pleasure he had at others discomfort. Me, being the youngest absorbed a lot of it, though my brother definitely dealt with other crazy things about my dad. There was an aspect of sadism involved as well, which was fueled by alcohol.

The abuse was mostly psychological and emotional, with some physical outbursts. I recall a time when I said something he deemed 'smart' before school one day, and he lunged at me with his hand on my neck. There were also various family dynamics at play occurring at the same time. My brother, who is 9 years older than me, was the golden boy (to my mom). My brother would take his frustrations out on me physically. If I complained to my mom, it was my fault for being annoying (which I will take partials blame for). I once complained to my dad about my brother hitting me and a physical fight ensued. My mom was hysterical and it was all MY fault. Anyways, a lot of that kind of stuff was occurring.

At 15 my parents divorced and my life became a lot easier, in some ways. I've had a difficult time throughout the years with being really hopeless and suicidal. I have Panic Disorder, which very occasionally causes me to faint and lose total consciousness, which is the only diagnosis, I know for certain, was given to me.

I have many of the symptoms listed for c-ptsd, but many have changed or lessened over time. I've forgiven my dad, I don't feel any anger (that I'm aware of) towards him. At one time, when I was probably 9, 10, I remember, vividly, wanting him to die. I truly hated him, at one time.

As my life has changed and I've grown older, I have, for a long time now used cannabis to help me deal with some of my problems. My state recently allowed medical marijuana, but the only psychiatric disorder on the list is ptsd.  I have had the same psychiatrist for the last nearly 10 years, but I have never really discussed these childhood issues with him. The only thing I've ever really mentioned to him are panic attacks and an addiction to benzodiazepines.

I really hate talking about the past, and I would just assume not mention anything that has to do with c-ptsd to him. I actually like him as a person, but still can't mention certain problems. I've actually sat in my car and chugged a beer before going to an appointment, just for my nerves. Part of my reasoning for not wanting to talk about it is also,  I feel like the damage has been done and the problems I have now are too ingrained in me to be changed.

My question is this, should I mention the c-ptsd to my psychiatrist, and brave the uncomfortable feelings, just to get medical marijuana? I'm going to tell him the reason why I want this diagnosis. I'm also trying to avoid be asked to participate in therapy.

Thanks for reading!!!

#12
Emotional Abuse / What now?
August 27, 2017, 03:51:59 AM
      Some years ago, I accepted what happened when I was a kid and moved on from that anger. I realized what was lost and came to terms with it. I still see my father and have a relatively good relationship with him. After my parents divorced, I wasn't subjected to living with my dad and that helped our relationship. I realize that he badly damaged me and I'm not the person I could have become.
       Some aspects of C-PTSD I rarely experience anymore, such as flashbacks. I'm also definitely not caught up on revenge towards him. I try to realize my dad is a very flawed person, but also I want the best for him. That hasn't always been the case however, and there were times when I could have killed him myself.
         I guess what I'm getting at, is that I feel there is very little I can do about some symptoms. Much of the craziness of my family happened from birth to age 15 or so, and some of the symptoms, such as a negative self imagine, are so ingrained and so imbedded into my personality that I couldn't imagine how you would  separate it. Certain ways I've even soothed myself are odd, like just thinking about suicide when things get too *. It's like my emergency escape plan, and that's the kind of thing I think about when I'm upset. I  have a pretty serious anxiety disorder that occasionally causes me to faint in public, and it's sometimes better, sometimes worse, but very much present. I also feel fundamentally different from other people or somehow tainted, but I don't think this belief could or would change. I feel like all I can do is accept these changes and try to move on the best I can.
#13
General Discussion / C-PTSD?
August 26, 2017, 04:12:01 AM
 I just recently became aware of Complex PTSD, but think that it may fit my situation. I'll try not to delve into every detail and just touch on the important things.
       My father was a drinker, but more importantly, he was just a miserable, cruel person, who subjected my mom, brother and I to abuse. It was very unpredictable and I had to watch how I behaved and how I spoke to him. As a teenager, I once spoke back and he lunged at me with his hand on my throat. He was very verbally abusive to my mom and never hid that from my brother and I, so we were caught up in a lot it.
          What I suppose was one of the more damaging things he would do, was deprive us of sleep. I would say he woke us up almost every night at least once, but often many times. He would go into the basement, which is where he played pool, and drink. At night, while drinking, is when he would start to ruminate on things that bothered him, he would then pull us out of bed and scream about politics, etc. He would scream and curse and have wild eyes. This went on for many years and I learned over time what doors were more solid and could withstand being kicked in.
       One of the worst aspects, was that my mom and brother really made things worse. My brother, instead of protecting me, just used me as his punching bag, and my mother always seemed to say I deserved whatever I got from my dad or brother. Anyways, I never felt like anyone was on my side.
        Now, as an adult, I've definitely had some problems. I have panic disorder, which has lead to fainting spells, and a number of other problems. I've always felt weird or tainted, and occasionally like a monster, it's kinda hard to explain. I've been in therapy before, for a number of years, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I cannot trust and I cannot talk about my feeling associated with certain events. I know that my previous psychologist thought I was dissociating and gave me a test for that. I believe it showed that I do that maybe more than most people, but not a clinical level.
        I don't think he ever really did figure me out, but now I'm wondering if C-PTSD makes more sense. I'm not sure if the severity would apply, seeing as how I was not routinely beaten, starved or sexually abused. I was terrorized, however, and felt at the mercy of a madman with no means of escape. Mostly though, it was verbal and lots of threatening. My dad would do things that have always stayed with me, one being pinching and sometimes biting us. Another, was trying to get me and my brother to fight, to drink raw eggs and other feats of strength. I even have a recollection of him telling me to stick a penny in a light socket. I few times, I recall him telling me in some detail how he could kill me. Weird, cruel things that have always stuck with me. Could events such as these lead to C-PTSD?