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I was just reading your post & I can understand your frustration. Somestimes it can take 12 sessions just to begin to feel safe with a T ! It you do EMDR again, ask the T to review grounding & internal resources with you. She should be able to use EMDR to install resources & that may decrease the intensity. I have done a lot of EMDR & it was really helpful.
There is a good book called It's Not Your Fault" by Laura Engels. I found it helpful.

Hope things are getting better.

Thank you for the humor. I get so tired sometimes of being serious about C-PTSD. Sometimes I just want to say something funny to someone about a symptom or something "weird" that I know I do or think, but most of the people I know wouldn't get it.

Hi Juliette
I applaud you for starting a recovery process when you are younger. Yes, it can get better with work and the right kind of help. The first time I entered therapy I was 29 yrs old. At that time I was able to peel off some layers & come to terms with the fact that my FOO was alcoholic & volatile. I stopped therapy for awhile, did my own reading but re started therapy with another therapist when I was 33 after my 2nd son was born. Went deeper & felt better. Although I was reasonably functional I continued to have anxiety & periodically would get triggered. But I read what I could find and kept surrounding myself with healthier people even if I didn't always feel good enough internally. After another episode of being triggered , I started remembering abuse that I had repressed so I found a therapist who specialized in trauma. I have been able to go much deeper & have significantly less anxiety now. What has helped the most was being able to finally talk about the shame about the abuse & even the shame about struggling with recovery (which I have hidden for years ). So, yes it gets better, but it isn't possible to totally heal alone. Reaching out to others is important even if it is scary at times.
Hope this is helpful.

It is not unusual to feel the shame about being abused & the fear of it happening again. I thinks all of us feel it to a degree & the intensity varies. It is difficult to break out of the cycle, but exposing the shame decreases it & makes it more possible to nurture the IC. At least that has helped me.

Even talking about it here is a brave thing to do.

Hi,
Shame certainly keeps us hiding our gifts & making ourselves smaller. In my family of origin It was safer to be small & hide rather than a target. But staying hidden gets too painful. I like the quote by Anais Nin "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Sceal, thanks for the book title even if I can't read it.

Hi Three roses & Sceal.  If you have time , Sceal I would love the title of that book. Another good book is called It's Not Your Fault by L. Engels. Two years ago the shame was overwhelming although it was always there below the surface. I'm still dealing with it, but it is so much better than it was.

Thanks for the reply. Even though part of me knows that the shame belongs to my abuser, it is difficult to not get sucked into that cycle of shame.

It is overwhelming when you start working on this stuff and the intensity varies. It's a lot of work but it can get better and you can rise above it. I know I have had days when I didn't believe that, but even though I still have stuff to deal with, I feel so much better than I have in the past.
If you haven't already done so, find a therapist who specializes in working with adults who have childhood trauma & C-PTSD.
Keep sharing. It helps.

Sorry you are having such a horrible series of experiences. Hope you feel less alone connecting with this group.

Hi, I'm new here too. Thanks a million for these forums.

I'm not sure what I can write about myself that won't seem unbelievable... though I bet you'll know what that feels like. I had sadistic psychopaths for a family and the atrocious violence I suffered in childhood continues in adult life. At every turn I managed to find the local psychopath and the abuse continued at home, in the family, at work, getting worse and worse. There are no words to describe how violently I'm treated on a regular basis by an unending supply of psychopaths and happily obliging flying monkeys. Even though I've gone no contact with everyone I possibly could, there are some who simply stalk me and keep attacking, even now. They've openly told me they'll keep going after me for life, that they consider it their life's mission to make sure I'm hated and attacked by everyone and everywhere.

It's tiring... I work on myself a bit and then Wham! a new attack arrives and I fall back again. No rest.

Just started reading about psychopaths recently and the term "emotional flashback" was like a shock. I started reading about c-ptsd and was speechless... I had no idea. I just naturally assumed it was me, of course! That everyone in the world is lovable but me, with whatever inherent flaw and evilness that I obviously have deep inside me. I keep reading and thinking but I can't say I stopped believing in my own horribleness. It's so ingrained and the continuing abuse is a relentless deepening of the whole thing.

I wish I could believe there was a life after abuse but for me, I think there isn't. I'm no longer able to move away or change my life to rebuild it around normal relationships. Too many things that are totally beyond my control make it impossible, health and finances 'etc. 'etc. I now see much more clearly the habits I had and how I wasn't good at setting boundaries or looking after myself in the past, but it's too late to build an abuse-free life. Hopefully it's not too late for others.

Sorry I don't have much optimism to share today.

I wish no one else had to go through this, though reading about it I know many people do. I wish evil people came with a big fat warning sign that said "Beware, dangerous lizard-brain ahead! Run and don't look back!"

Sigh.
So in short, thanks for setting up these forums...

Welcome !

Hi Hank,
I am sorry you are so depressed. I know from past experience how miserable it is to be so deep in the pit. Don't give up on therapy, but find a therapist who specializes in working with childhood trauma & C-PTSD. It might be helpful if they are trained in EMDR.
Keep reaching out.

Hi
I am also new to the group & really identified with your post. Hopefully, we can support each other.
Welcome !

Traveller

Hi !
I am a ACOA & survivor of childhood verbal & emotional abuse as well as childhood sexual abuse. For various reasons when I was between 28 and 40, I sought therapy usually for depression and/or anxiety. Most would say I've been pretty successful & I do have a good marriage, work that I enjoy, 2 sons, and friends, but I have never felt good enough. Its always been a struggle to let people "really" know me, so even though I have always had friends none knew how anxious I was - I hide it well and few knew my family history.
Ironically, I am a therapist who does a lot of work with adults with childhood trauma so I knew there had to be something deeper that I wasn't dealing with. I had self-diagnosed myself as C-PTSD, worked on things on my own, & convinced myself that I was doing fine & in many ways I was.  Two yrs. ago I needed PT after a surgery & I started having body memories, intrusive thoughts, & my anxiety skyrocketed. When I couldn't get it together, I found a therapist who could help me work through the memories of sexual abuse that were surfacing. It's been a * of a journey, but I'm less anxious.
I have become very aware of how secretive I always been about my childhood history & my struggle with recovery. I hid my anxiety from everyone. So joining this forum is part of my attempt to come out of hiding. I'd like to connect with other people who "really get it".
Thanks for listening.

Hi
Sorry that you are struggling so much. It can get discouraging at times. Don't give up on therapy, but if might be helpful to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. Two therapy modalities that may be helpful are EMDR ( eye movement desensitization reprocessing) or IFS (internal family systems). Hope it gets better soon.