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You're right 3 Roses!  I need to also learn what is ok to share and with who and when.  I see I lack all filters as to what's appropriate and when etc.

Also thank you Blueberry, Bach, Notalone!  You have all made me feel a lot better.  After years of being like this, I finally now have an answer as to why.  Knowledge is power so hopefully, I can learn to get a handle on this.

It's interesting that many say the same thing as me, talking about what was happening as a child was strictly forbidden and then in 2005 when the abuse, cheating, gaslighting etc. started with my husband, like one of you said, it was like a dam broke and now it won't stop.  I don't want to share with everyone anymore and now I find that I really don't even know where it's appropriate to stop and how much is ok to share and when.  I see I have A LOT of inner work to do.

Thank you, Contessa!  It definitely helps!

Hi everyone,

I need some guidance and hoping someone or more than one in here might be able to relate and/or shed some light. 

*** TW CSA, DV and other violence ***

Just to give you some background, I have suffered abuse my whole life, sexually molested as a child, probably more than once truthfully, but can only remember the one incident, another I'm uncertain was molestation and another where a totally different person tried to grope me at 13 but I got away before it went further that time.

Grew up with a volatile alcoholic father who beat my mom profusely for years on end, cheated etc for years.  The years of 4 to 10 in my life were absolutely terrifying because of his rage and violence.  Even almost killing my mom one night in front of the 3 of us, threatening to shoot her with a shotgun while we and she pleaded for her life. I spent YEARS in such hypervigilance that even now in my 40's I'm a mess.  My dad made me a nervous wreck as kid, watching me do things like open packages of cereal and tearing into me if I didn't do it just right etc.  It's been literally a lifetime of eggshells for the smallest and even insignificant things.

*** End TW ***

The abuse cycle continued when I married a man almost as bad as my dad who abused me in almost every way except he didn't drink, just naturally abusive on his own. (PD person)

Anyway, I have had an issue with something most of my adult life  (age 29 - now), something that has caused me so much trouble and grief yet I haven't found a way to control it.  It occurred to me for the first time ever last night that maybe this was because of the C-PTSD but when I googled it I'm not seeing it in anything like this on any of the symptom lists.

So what happens is, I have an unreasonable fear of anger or angry people to the point that if anyone does anything that triggers me that way, I talk about what happened to anyone who will listen, the first person I can get the pain out to no matter who they are ends up hearing quite private details of my life.  It started as a child, we weren't allowed to talk about what went on in the house.  One day I moved a calendar to show my grandma visiting a hole my dad punched in the wall under it.  My mom hung it there to hide it.  I was 4.  I told my grandma "look what the incredible hulk did last night" and moved it to show her.  I got in A LOT of trouble for that and never spoke another word to anyone about all the violence I was living in.  I stayed quiet about my personal like until my husband started with the abuse and cheating and then like one of the replies said it was like a dam opened and never closed.  (I modified this post cause originally I didn't explain it properly that from 4 to 29 I rarely shared anything with anyone.)

So, Moving on to later in life, I went through years of on ongoing hideous abuse from my soon to be ex-husband of 24 years, and as soon as that started, I just talked and talked to get the pain and fear out.  To people in front of me in line at the store if they saw I'd been crying and asked if was ok, to bosses at work, to neighbors, to friends and family, to customers I had at work or in my online endeavors etc. you name it.

And now I suffer getting trouble the same way I did as a child. My ex is blaming me for the downfall of our marriage "because of my inability to keep my mouth shut and he needs a woman who won't speak his name" I realize why he needs that privacy, since he's so abusive he needs to protect his outward image but at the same time, I can't understand my intense need to do this. 

It's almost like an out of control thing. Even when I've had therapists to talk to etc.  If he did something abusive or behaved even slightly mean or volatile to me, I'd be on my phone telling the first person I could reach or text or message etc., frantically trying to get relief which I seem to get when I "talk" and get it out.  Problem is I can't stop.  If I get it out to my mom, I also will tell my sister, multiple friends, and many other people.  It's a strange symptom and maybe it doesn't relate to PTSD or CPTSD at all but I'm wondering if anyone else suffers from this "diarrhea of the mouth" issue.

Before we split up, my ex went through my phone, email, texts, facebook etc. and said I am a psychopath with a big mouth and wants nothing to do with me once he realized I'd been sharing so much private stuff between us with so many people.  Though I tell him, maybe he should worry more about the egregious abuse he put me through for the last 15 years than how I respond to the abuse or fighting but to him, it's my fault for talking, not his for doing the stuff that caused me to frantically reach out for help from the pain.

I'm feeling like a terrible person who lets out all private information and I can't seem to get this habit out of my life.  It's truly a FRANTIC need to "talk" about my problems and when I say frantic I do mean frantic.  I go into a state of intense fear and panic over it and just let it all out to everyone and anyone with no regard for even my own privacy. I've regretted later after the panic subsides every single time but still do it anyway. 

Please tell me you can relate?  Please tell me I'm not alone in this?  Anyone else experience this?

Hi everyone,

I need help.  I need some support from people who understand.

There was a

Oh ok! I see then yes I must have C-PTSD because there has been extensive abuse over time.  I am going to send it to my therapist and hopefully, she can at least help me even if he doesn't get it.  And yes he is narcissist/psychopath either of those to a "T"!   He even admits it that he is both, he also admits he's been abusive but doesn't seem driven to correct it, which boggles my mind.

Even with this being a different situation than mine I can relate so much when I read through the replies!  My husband LOVED controlling me! But he also loves punishing me, always has. In fact, he probably loves punishing me more than he loves controlling me, which is why I am separated still for coming up on two months.  He knows that he is my addiction, so what is the best way to punish me???  Send me away, neglect me, act like he doesn't care. 

I too scratch my head in wonder of that question we all seem to ask...."How do they not see what they've done, are doing, etc., how is it always someone else's fault and how can they not see it even when many people tell them and you flat out provide evidence of their horrific side"?

I wish us all clarity in our questions that they leave us forever hanging with!

I am wondering if I can ask others with C-PTSD or just PTSD to read this and tell me if you feel lit describes it pretty well. I have been diagnosed with PTSD which I'm sure is really C-PTSD and I have not been able to make my husband understand. He thinks a joke! He laughs at it and says I'm unforgiving etc. But I relive all the horrible things he's done, now, here in the present from so many triggers! I wrote this letter out a couple nights ago and I'd like to give it to our therapist because I don't even think she gets it! None have in the past either. I need him to understand, even though we are separated and 1200 miles apart, we are doing couples therapy online and I have established no contact as of yesterday, but I need him to finally get this and quit laughing it off like I'm exaggerating! Please if you can give me your thoughts on this letter I wrote him that I am going to give to our therapist to read and maybe go over with him in his next session. (We're doing it separately now)

Letter:
I guess I keep dwelling on the past and trying to tell every therapist we go to the precise details of everything that's happened to me in the past so they can be aware of it all and how bad it truly was because PTSD triggers are causing me to relive it NOW and have been since it all happened. Only my psychiatrist seemed to get that. It's not that I can't let go, it's that PTSD won't LET me Let go!
Things I have/do experience:
The horrible startle reflex that makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack from you walking into a room or an unexpected noise or movement.
Extreme forgetfulness
Foggy thinking
Night sweats
Elevated heart rate
Difficulty swallowing
Throwing up
Disassociation
Day dreaming a good majority of my days away
Panic attacks
Disruptive sleep
Extreme fatigue
Body aches & Pains (even when I was very young twenties)
Lack of focus
Extreme distrust
Hypervigilance when alone and sometimes with others
Flashbacks
Mood fluctuations – this one needs to be paid special attention to! I am not Bipolar. C-PTSD comes with extreme mood fluctuations for many people that can be caused by triggers, or just from the trauma over time. You think I am, but I am very self-aware. I've known since I was small with all the mental illness I saw around me that I would always have to be vigilant about my mental health and I have been! See, all the symptoms on the list that I go through can all be so easily mistaken even by experienced doctors as other mental illnesses such as Bipolar disorder like you think I have.
I think I've been crying for help for years now and trying to get one single therapist to realize this and help me make you understand. Then we could all work together on a plan and we'd have the complete clarity on where all the disagreements have stemmed from for all these years!
I'm experiencing PTSD and your mad thinking I dwell in the past because I'm unforgiving, but with PTSD or C-PTSD, YOUR PAST, IS MY PRESENT! 

Thank you sanmagic!! Your words made me feel a lot better! I'm so glad to have this group!

Thank you Andyman!  I appreciate that! I will be cheering for you as well! If I can do it, anyone can! You have no idea how scared I've been!

I've been i