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I am in a financially rough period and am having to cut out wireless, but instead of beating myself up over it and being super depressed I am going to try to use this period for however long and work with myself. A Self Discovery Period. There are a few places from here I will remember and most likely use such as the healing porch and the three good things a day.

Thank you all for the support in which you embraced me with. I'll be back when I can.


MR

Hey San,

Being 21 and growing up the majority of my life in technology (I still remember VHS...Lol) it is still scary for me. I can see how technology and the information one can find through it is amazing, but it's starting to rule our lives. I know for myself in particular I have a laptop, tablet and phone. And that is a titch rediculous...So, I'm kind of excited to get rid of wireless just because it will give me more time and hopefully less headaches. I get headaches from staring at screens ironically...So I understand the fear that you have with this invasive age. I hope that you find a way to use the phone to your advantage while still putting it in it's place and making you feel comfortable.

MR

Post 10                                                                                                                                                                                                   December 28, 2017

I am glad that both of you had a good Christmas. I know how hard it can be for some. And thank you for being consistent in replying to my journal. It means a lot.

________

My last post was about Christmas, and as good as I thought the actually day was, the goodness hasn't translated into the rest of the week.  I realized how much I missed the big event my family makes out of Christmas. Especially when we sit in a circle and go round and round opening one present at a time. There is so much joy, laughter and happiness when we do that. Plus, it's just peaceful there which helps me calm down, and living in a big city where I am, doesn't have a lot  calm.

I've been in one heck of an emotional state the past week. I've been waiting for my grandparents to drop off our (my father's and my) presents from Christmas when they go home from up north. Well they haven't gone home yet. They have decided to stay up and spend time with family. And it's feels like they are purposely delaying to punish me for not sucking up and going up to Christmas. Yesterday it came to ahead and I told my father about it angrily which just started another argument. It seems like that's all we do. But he wants me to tell my grandparents when I talk to them next which could be today (Thursday Dec 28, 17). My imagination is going out of control and playing a whole scenario of me telling them, my grandmother telling me that she'll drop my presents back up north and me putting them in a pile in front of her and telling her that she can do that, but if she does, she's no better than my mother. And it hasn't even happened yet! My heads a mess. 

I tend to be one of the people that thinks a lot about New Year's Resolutions, but I didn't this year. I've been so busy and I have forgotten about the New Years. I've focused more on the appointments I have the 3rd and 4th. I'm going to be helping my grandparents again over New Years so it doesn't seem like a big thing anymore. The sad thing is that I have normally loved the whole New Year's celebration and this year it's just...okay, we're going into 2018. No excitement or anything. But, these past few days I have thought about what I want in 2018. And it's not a life changing resolution like losing weight or getting my life together. I just want to be more aware of 'me'. I've always looked towards my therapists and family for my answers and for things that will help me. The problem lately is that my therapist feels like she is wanting to be my friend instead of my guidance, and my relationship with my family is almost non existent from my side so I can't rely on them. It's not ideal to lean on someone that doesn't see the reality, but it's all I have so it will be what it will be.

There has and will be a lot going on, but this will probably be my last entry for a while since the wireless will be shut off in 3 days. Goodbye, for now.

MR

Thank you San and Decimal for the encouraging words.

So, my Christmas was alright. It was just my father and I which was nice, for me at least. He made a dinner for us (ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, green pudding salad, broccoli and cheese and then we had our choice of either pumpkin or cherry pie). We didn't have any presents or a big festive celebration. We just talked, ate and played games. I'm sure my grandparents are going to bring our presents to us from the family gathering we didn't go to.  So whenever they get home we'll be having a gift opening session. But, as much as both of us felt guilty not going, it was a nice low energy holiday.

I hope that those who are reading had a half way decent Christmas at least.

MR

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I'll have to write these down so that ill have them and then slowly but surely get down to a list that works for me.

MR

A few weeks ago my father was taking me to T and said the word trampoline. Such an innocent, out of the blue word triggered me. So I'm with you all on words. Ooh, and sounds. >.<. But that's for a different thread. Just wanted to let you know that I'm beside you in the fight with words blueberry.

MR

Hello Kat,

I too am quite confused about God and religion. When I was with my M and step F we would occasionally go to church for F's family. It never meant anything to them. The same old same old always happened. They just kind of faked their belief. Outsiders thought they were good church goers, ignoring anything off about us.

Now here with my real F it's a lot different. He and his parents, well my whole family, is very religious and I feel as if I kind of get frowned upon for not believing. And its not like I don't believe, I just don't know what I believe.

So there are others out there with you.

MR

Post 9                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Jan 22, 2017

Thank you for the replies. Sorry I don't have more to say. Not really up to it.

___________

It feels like I've been fighting for my life since I've written here. Not physically, but emotionally. A few days ago I was thinking about how these diagnoses are going to be with me for the rest of my life and how I'm going to have to accept them like one would accept their eye color, hair, or body. It's a part of me. Of course I'm hoping that I'll grow and not be so dysfunctional but its still a part of me. I felt very upset about it, but then I remembered how ah's said that they like to label their emotions and then let themselves feel them. So, I stopped and asked myself what was I really feeling. Almost instantly it felt like, I was crying and I came up with emotions such as insecure, angry and sad. And then I cried like I haven't cried in seven or eight years.

When I was 13 or 14 I was very upset about something and I really missed my mom. At that point it had only been one or two years since she lost custody. I remember I was curled up in my bed, a teddie hugged tight to my abdomen, with my face in my pillow and I cried, then I screamed and then I cried some more. I cried out for her. For my mom. I was so lost in the world and so, so confused. The pain was unbearable. I felt like someone was ripping my heart out. And that's exactly what I felt like a few days ago. So lost and so hurt.

Ever since a few days ago I've been a crying mess. It hasn't helped that the people around me are thinking that me not being able to handle going to my family's Christmas celebration is some sort of controlling game. That I'm doing it purposely to keep my father away from his family. And that this is a way to get at my grandmother because she wanted all of her kids together for the holiday. It makes me feel very alone that as much as I try to express my guilt for not being capable of handling it, everyone still thinks that I'm playing a game. I want to scream out and say no, listen and then explain it all over again. But at the same time, it's just not worth it. I'm not going to change their minds.

And then, because I haven't been working and I ran out of money to help my (disabled) father with the bills, he's going to have to start shutting some of the extras off so that he has money for everything else. So, wireless is going to go in January. Wireless is what I use to use my laptop, and tablet. To research information, to be here on this forum, to stay connected with doctors. I feel like I'm losing my lifeline, but it's my fault. If I just forced myself to work, then we wouldn't be in the predicament because I'd be paying half like I was when I was working.
My therapist gave me a worksheet to keep track of my isolation...It's not going good so far. I feel so alone, yet I somehow feel like it's all my fault so to keep from hurting others I isolate which just makes me feel more alone. I hate all these cycles, but pretty soon I'll have to face them alone...again.

MR

So, I've been in a bad place for the past two-two and a half weeks, and what I've always done isn't helping. I don't even know exactly what I'm experiencing. I'm fairly new to the idea of EFs and so I don't know if that's what this is. All I know is that I feel really depressed and I have a lot of other emotions/thoughts racing through me.

I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions for what self care has helped you. Or that you use now. I'm going to have to read about it also.

Thank you.

MR

Sceal, I feel as I looked at that it kind of explains what I feel like I'm facing. There's me in the white nd the whole background is my trauma. It probably isn't what you meant by it, but it just gives me a feeling I can't explain.

And honestly I think its awesome. I can't draw worth anything...lol. I can sew and other creative things but drawing is not my strong suit.

MR

Wow I really like the excerpt that you took and posted. Will have to read the article. Thanks. (:

MR

Will be here preparing for a T session tomorrow that's going to be hard. I don't know what I'll need. Peace maybe. Or calm.

MR

Hey Decimal,

I'm not sure that I can relate now, but I did when I was younger and in school myself. I don't know if it was just purely school because in school there is a certain amount of gossip and drama if someone is different. I had this one friend that I met in 6th grade...many years ago now (haha) and her and I just fit together. We were best friends right away and she ended up knowing what I had been through and I her. I mention this because it was almost if we were the same person, character wise, just in different bodies. I fit with her. I am not in contact now, for reasons, but she made me feel like I belonged somewhere.

But, from experience once you've graduated HS, it is so different. Even college isn't like it. Its more about themselves and less about judging others. Even though, you're always going to come across those that want to tear anyone apart no matter what.

Anyways, no matter where you think this feeling is coming from, I hope you find a sense of companionship here in this community.

Sorry for the long post. It started off simple...lol.

MR

1. The paperwork for the lease for next year is done and out of the way.
2. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.
3...The weekend is over.

I am glad you posted. Its not always easy to do what we "should" do. Taking a step and trying is what counts. (:

MR