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Messages - Gwyon

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Personality Disorder (Perpetrator) / Re: Trumped Out
« on: April 09, 2018, 12:59:16 AM »
Thanks for posting this Kizzie. It hadn't occurred to me that I see what Trump is so clearly _precisely_ because of my own personal experience with emotional abuse.

Medication / Re: B12 lifting fatigue and disphoria
« on: February 21, 2018, 05:42:46 PM »

A couple weeks in and the benefits of B12 are consistent and persisting. The floor is a bit higher and i'm a bit more resilient to upsets and EF's.

it's so difficult for anyone not familiar with such trauma at such an early age to even begin to understand what it means for us to be struggling with the invisible wounds we carry. 

This has often been a source of bitterness in me... that so many others take for granted, like the oxygen they breath, their inner sense of security --something we have to build for ourselves through long years of struggle. Then at other times I can simply accept and forgive, and be thankful for the empathy and compassion that my journey has given me.

A big yes to this sanmagic:
that you have survived, that we here have all survived to this point is nothing short of a miracle.  so very glad you're here.  this is indeed a very special community

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Feeling like a Complete Failure
« on: February 17, 2018, 06:02:22 PM »
What you write is always useful for me

I'm so glad, Ah. Thanks.

Therapy / Re: The elephant in the room
« on: February 17, 2018, 05:59:24 PM »
Thanks for sharing this with us. I understand about the elephant(s) and how scary it us to talk about them. I salute your courage!

Medication / Re: NSAIDS sometimes helpful?
« on: February 17, 2018, 03:58:47 PM »
Thx, sanmagic7. Useful to get corroboration. ;-)

I learned about it from a book "Childhood Disrupted" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. She's basically talking about c-ptsd, but calls it something else.

Successes, Progress? / Re: Starting again
« on: February 16, 2018, 02:50:53 PM »
What a sweet feeling.  I'm so happy for you!  :yes:

Medication / NSAIDS sometimes helpful?
« on: February 16, 2018, 02:44:08 PM »
I have sometimes found that taking an NSAID -- for headache, muscle pain, etc -- will also ease my anxiety/depression.  There is evidence that there is an inflammatory aspect to effects of childhood trauma. Has anyone else experienced this effect of NSAIDS?

General Discussion / Re: Reality check please....
« on: February 16, 2018, 02:34:15 PM »
I appreciate  the feedback. Thx.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Feeling like a Complete Failure
« on: February 15, 2018, 07:24:45 PM »
I'm sorry you went through this, eyessoblue, and i'm glad you found your way through.

I want to second what Ah said about
   letting go of the salvation fantasy

This has been really, really hard but I feel i'm beginning to accept that I will always have periods of pain and distress and to not make "being cured" an expectation or goal.

The scale tipped for me following a crisis last fall during which the pain was nearly unbearable and I downed a whole bottle if wine to deaden it -- because I was afraid if I didn't do that then i'd do something much worse. But I realized, or decided, that approach was not sustainable. ... it would not serve.  And asked myself, what can I do with this pain when I simply can't bear it?  What is the other path? How can I possibly say "yes" to this?

What came to me was the image that it was like I was tethered to an inconsolable, wailing child. And the only possible response was to pick him up and comfort him and just accept the fact that I would need carry him around as long as it took. That it would hurt, and sometimes be incredibly annoying and inconvenient, but I just had to compassionately say "yes, ok, I've got you" ... and keep walking.

Ups and downs since then, more pain, but a slightly different relationship to it, more accepting and tender. And while it still hurts like crazy sometimes, i'm finding i'm somewhat more resilient and am suffering a bit less. And progressively more so as the months pass.

I hope this is useful to hear, and perhaps suggests a path that a few others may find helpful.


General Discussion / Reality check please....
« on: February 15, 2018, 04:14:57 PM »
Hello all,

I could use a reality check...

Do my posts seem to be helpful, responsive? Or do I come across as a "know it all" or one who "doesn't really get it"?

For some reason I'm fearing I'm out of step with rest of community.  And, as  per usual, I can't distinguish truth from my own internal narrative.

I do know this: while my life has been profoundly difficult compared to the bulk of my real-life peers, it pales in comparison to the trauma so many of you in this community are grappling with.

If my contributions are sometimes off the mark, please feel free to inform and enlighten me.


Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Re: Trigger - Suicide Thoughts
« on: February 14, 2018, 07:57:29 PM »
Offering you presense, and kindness.... and exactly what sanmagic said.

I relate to the credit problems, too. I got into similar trouble when I was  younger. A craving to fill some vague need ("if I just had this one thing thing i'd feel better"), and poor impulse control. It's all related.

I'm so glad to hear your fiancé is supportive.

I'm glad others have weighed in here too   :thumbup:

And yes, your fiancé has a responsibility here too. To not contribute to your fears, to be sensitive and accepting of what you are working with, and to be a partner in finding a different path.

Best to you...

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