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Messages - Jazzy

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Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2
« on: December 06, 2020, 12:07:35 AM »
Today, I've been thinking, wondering about how much I've really been able to change myself over the years, and what kind of change is possible.

Its left me with a lot of mixed feelings. For example, I can never remember sleeping properly... so I don't know if I will ever be able to learn to do so. There are some good personality traits I've had since I was a child though, despite everything that happened, so maybe I can revive and strengthen those.

I think a big part of the problem is that I don't seem to be able to control and stabilize my emotional state though, especially over a period of time. I guess that goes for all of us here, but its just so frustrating.

I've also really been longing for someone to help guide me through life. An old therapist of mine said I want a new mother, but I am too old now. I wish I could handle it myself, but I don't seem to be able to. Is it really so strange though? Doesn't everybody need somebody? I don't know, maybe that means in a different way.

I'm having a really hard time seeing things clearly. Everything I think about seems to distort when I think about it a certain way, then it changes again. Its very confusing.

but I know she is safe and happy

I don't know much about being a parent, but based on this, it sounds like you're doing a great job. Keep up the good fight. I hope all goes well for you, including the surgery.

General Discussion / Re: Resources for self-sabotage? *TW*
« on: December 05, 2020, 11:26:11 PM »
This sounds very difficult Pioneer, I am sorry you had to go through it. Unfortunately, I do not have a lot to offer you. I hope you can work through it though.

Its good that you've been doing better, and I think it is common enough to feel like you don't deserve it. It is not true though. You do deserve to do well, as much as anyone.

Keep up the good work on improving yourself, and working through your healing journey.


Recovery Journals / Re: Snowdrop's journal
« on: December 05, 2020, 11:08:05 PM »
I'm glad to hear you have been sleeping well Snowdrop, that is a big help. Its great to see you continuing to make progress. It sounds like you have done a lot of good for yourself.  :applause:

General Discussion / Re: Resources for child prisoners?
« on: December 05, 2020, 11:04:28 PM »
Thank you Kizzie, that is a good term. You make a lot of good points here. :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Still Befriending My Parts.
« on: December 05, 2020, 03:26:34 AM »
Hi Hope, I'm glad you're feeling more solid today, it is very difficult when you have to watch your step like that.

It is great that you have been writing more freely, and  I'm sure you will be able to 'get things out' more if you continue to work at it. It is very difficult. Like you said, it feels like you can never speak the whole truth. I wonder if this feeling is from childhood, when we were never allowed to really be ourselves, but always had to show what we were supposed to. I don't know, it all feels very overwhelming when I try to think about it.

You are so strong already, you push through so much. Sometimes I worry you work yourself too hard, but I'm sure you will continue to grow. Take care of yourself :)


Recovery Journals / Re: m1234 journal: one foot forward?
« on: December 05, 2020, 03:02:07 AM »
Hi Marta. It is great that you are able to speak up now, and say that you are not ok. That is great progress. Your B is not here any more. I believe one day, you will be ok. Not just saying so, but really ok. Sending you strength and support.  :hug: if it helps.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - Part 7
« on: December 05, 2020, 02:57:17 AM »
1. I made a really nice dinner for myself tonight. It was great to be able to cook without being too anxious about it.

2. Today is M's birthday, so I called her to say happy birthday, and got through the conversation without too much difficulty.

3. Today is another day that I have been clear minded enough to be able to enjoy food, music, etc.

Recovery Journals / Re: A Safe Place To Be Visible
« on: December 05, 2020, 02:44:20 AM »
Hey Bach, sorry things are so difficult. Stay strong, you can do it! :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2
« on: December 05, 2020, 02:41:40 AM »
Hi Hope and Snowdrop, it is great to hear from you. I hope you've been well. Thank you for the hugs!  :hug:

I think I'm headed back downhill somewhat. This morning was really rough. I don't remember having any nightmares, but when I woke up I felt so physically exhausted, and my eyes ached like I hadn't slept at all. I got up to feed my cats and use the bathroom, but I still felt bad, so I went back to bed. Its hard to force yourself to stay awake when your eyes constantly hurt.

Its also feels really difficult to deal with people. Even something as simple as getting a call from the pharmacy today, it just feels like such a chore to talk to anyone.

But, with that said, I did really enjoy (both cooking and eating) dinner, and I'm doing alright listening to music with one of my cats right now, so that's good.

I've been thinking more about what I want to write, but its all still kind of whirling around in my mind right now, and I'm not sure how to get it in order.

General Discussion / Re: Resources for child prisoners?
« on: December 05, 2020, 01:28:22 AM »
Thanks Hope. I don't know too much about Stockholm Syndrome, but I think it is similar, or at least related to the situation.

Its always good to feel like someone else has been through the same/similar, and we are not the only one. I guess that's why you liked the book The Secret Garden so much. I haven't read the book, but I saw a movie about it, and it was really difficult for me. That was many years ago though, perhaps I should try again, now that I am further along my healing journey.

I'm sorry you went through such a difficult time. It is horrible that even though you could go out, you were still leashed by the fear. Thank you for sharing though, it helps me to feel less alone.

I will keep looking, there must be something out there. If not, there needs to be.

Thank you for the kind words also. It is so easy to feel that I am not important to anyone, so it is great to hear I was missed, and you are happy I am here. :)

Not sure if it is the same thing, but does it maybe have something to do with with the social interaction? What if you don't like your friend's music, what if you don't react how they expect etc.?

To be honest, I don't have much in the way of friends. 10ish years ago or so I had a work-friend over visiting my place, and showing me some music he liked on my PC. Even though I genuinely liked it too, it was still a pretty difficult and stressful experience. I'm really not good with people, I was tense the entire time he was at my apartment.

Hey there JDMadi,

I may not be the best person on this topic, as all of my relationships have gone horribly wrong, but I wanted to throw in some thoughts, hopefully something helps. First off, I hope things go well for both of you, no matter how the details turn out. Being in love, and being heart broken is rough for anybody. My heart goes out to you in this difficult time.

Obviously, I don't know what is going on with her. I haven't heard her point of view or anything. It sounds like she is having a difficult time, maybe something has been triggered. That's the assumption I'm going with here.

1) Does this sound familiar to any of you, and does it sound likely that she's really done? I have trouble believing that she could flip from positive to negative about us, so quickly, with no reality-based reason, and not realize later what goodness we share.
This is not surprising at all. I want to touch on what you said "no reality-based reason". Reality is different for people with CPTSD. We have been through *, multiple times, and in a way, we are still there, mixed in with us trying to handle daily life. Try to think about it more emotionally than logically. It is very admirable that you are have studied so much about CPTSD and the symptoms, but most of living with it is just dealing with it, and all the emotions that go with it, not so much the understanding of it all. Imagine the absolute worst you have ever felt in your life, then realize she has felt that (and probably worse), on more than one occasion. Maybe she is feeling that way now. Maybe she is truly overwhelmed, and cannot handle much right now. Our mental state, and therefore our reality is not always stable. Its important to realize that your reality is different than hers.

Assuming she doesn't now, I'm sure that at some point she will realize the goodness you shared. When this will be, or to what degree, no one can say. It totally depends on her mental state. What you had is not erased or anything, it is just not available right now. What she chooses to do when she does realize this, is of course completely up to her, and what she thinks is best.

2) Seems to me there's something happening around her son and me. Perhaps the timing is coincidental, but it seems not. I can't figure that one out though - any ideas why that would be a trigger?
Without knowing more about her past, we can only guess at this. I'm sure her son is a major part of her life (emotionally, if not physically), as are you. I could write pages guessing, but if you are seeing a pattern here, I expect there is a good reason for it.

3) Is it a terrible idea to give it a few weeks and attempt to talk with her again? I'm afraid she's so stubborn and self-defeating that she'd never initiate dialogue, even if she wanted me back. But I don't want to intrude on her "space", either.
Unless she has specifically told you not to, then I think its a good idea, assuming you do it carefully. A few weeks may not be long enough though. There's no way to know.

4) Am I signing myself up for perpetual heartache by wanting to love and accept this woman, or can these patterns truly change over time?
I'd say yes, and yes.

In any relationship, there is always building trust and letting the other person in. Sometimes things don't go perfectly, trust is lost to some degree, and this process needs to be redone again. With CPTSD, it is so much more difficult, takes longer, and there is a lot more in the way.

I want to tell you things will get better over time though. Normally, they do. That's how "reality" works... but remember, our reality is different. To the best of my understanding right now, CPTSD is a chronic condition. With a lot of work, it might be easier to handle the symptoms. We're all trying, and we all want to recover, but there's no easy recovery, no tried and true method. A lucky few of us get there, most of us have to be happy with just improving during a lifelong struggle.

5) Any other advice? I'm heartbroken and not just for myself, but for her as well. I can't imagine going through what she has, and I just want her to be able to receive genuine love and understanding in her lifetime, and learn to provide it in return.
Just do that, then. I doubt you want to hear it right now, but keep it in mind for the future.

I think with true love it is important to let all of the expectations go. Just show her that genuine love you want her to receive, and let her respond as she does.

Love means that you care for someone, and you do your best to support and care for them. It doesn't really mean the official titles (spouse/partner etc), or things like living together, as much as you might want that.

As she was healing, I figured she would realize that good relationships need to be two-way.
I can take care of myself, but if the only person in a relationship taking care of you during hard times is... well, you... then it's not really a healthy relationship.
I think this is an important point to mention too. This is where it gets tough, because its the other side of the coin. You're right, of course, a good relationship does need to be two ways. If you are both working on it, it sounds like she realizes this... so that's a good start. Hopefully, she just needs to learn how to handle it. With what she's been through though, maybe she literally can't right now, maybe not ever. She is injured, and you need to accept that as part of her. Maybe it is not right for you. That is something you should consider.

Thanks in advance for any sincere thoughts. I'm struggling over here.
All the best to you both. I'm sorry you are in pain. Take care!  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal - Phase 2
« on: December 04, 2020, 12:34:15 AM »
Thank you for the kind words.

I'm sorry that I disappeared again. Its a problem I have. I can't focus, or stick with the same thing for a long time. I can't keep doing the same activities, talking to the same people etc. I don't really know why. It is very frustrating. I don't understand how people can go through their lives, doing the same thing month after month, year after year. It sounds great... it sounds very stable. I just haven't been able to do so myself for some reason, and I am very sorry to all the people (here and elsewhere), that I continuously leave behind.

I've been doing well for the last month or so. I still get bored and lonely, and life seems completely pointless, but despite this, I have been feeling so much better than normal. I'm more relaxed, and expressive, and have a song in my head a lot of the time. I've been enjoying things a lot more too, such as food, music, and television. Not to say everything is fine now, but its certainly a period where I am better than I usually am, and I truly appreciate that.

I've been thinking a lot, and I want to write about the psychological/religious abuse I went through as a child. Its still something I don't feel I can be open about, and I don't think I've really processed it all yet. I need help with it still. At least, I need to find some way to come to terms with it all and move past it. Its just so bad. It is more like a horror story. The great thing about the horror story, is that you always know in the back of your mind that its just a story, and you're actually perfectly safe...  but this is not a story though, its real life for me.

I don't think I can write about it, right now though. Probably soon though.

General Discussion / Resources for child prisoners?
« on: December 04, 2020, 12:07:51 AM »
I'm hesitant to call myself a child prisoner, because I wasn't actually chained up. However, physically, I was not allowed to have friends, leave the house, or even go to school.

The psychological aspect is worse. Its amazing, but you don't really need physical chains with "the right psychological conditioning". Maybe its worse in a way. With physical chains, when they get broken, you are free to run to safety. When the chains are in your mind, its not so simple. "Safety" has been transformed to danger, and you don't know how to get there anyway.

Does anyone know of any resources to help with this kind of a childhood? I guess with integration in to society after growing up outside of it? Now that I'm an adult, it feels like I've just been thrown in to the general population. It seems like everybody just expects everything to magically work out, but surely we don't actually believe that!

I really need help, and I don't know how to get it.

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