Messages

Running a marathon is a huge accomplishment, and I'm glad you've reached a level about it. You deserve to be able to bask in the joy of all that hard work paying off, but at the same time I understand how hard it can be. Last weekend I hung my first ever art exhibit and even though it's a big milestone that would have made any person proud, I had that same feeling of dread/not being able to see my own success. I kept looking around for external validation - like I didn't have a right to my own happiness at a personal accomplishment. I think all your ideas on how to work with the issue are great, in fact I might take a few!

I have the same fear, and I also avoid people to the point where I've nearly completely isolated myself because I can't deal with conflict. I think the missing piece, the thing that I'm missing is the inherent trust that I will be okay no matter what. If someone has an issue with me, that does not mean that I'm in danger physically, psychically, or even emotionally. It's a deeply learned response from childhood that I need to unlearn, but because I've cut myself off from society I'm worried I'll never get the chance to practice. The best thing I think I can do now is to just keep working on myself...keep developing trust in myself, trust that the world is a mostly benevolent place and things will work out. The more of an unshakeable inner self I build, the more I might be able to tolerate conflict, knowing it won't bowl me over as easily.

I want a family too, so much....that we share.

I also find a lot of comfort in nature and animals. My cat is one of the first creatures I felt a safe and loving connection with.

May things get better for you soon. 

Welcome! What a great feeling, to be able to really connect after so long in loneliness. I'm very glad for you

I honestly feel the same way sometimes...these past couple years have felt like nonstop healing work, with breaks only when I can't take it anymore. But that way of doing things leads to huge burnout. My intense desire to be closer to "better, normal, healthy" etc. causes the perfectionist in me to push my way through healing. I often have to remind myself to take a break...I recently started reading a novel when all I've been reading lately are non-fiction, philosophical self-help type books. The little enjoyments in life are what make us able to keep pushing forward, otherwise we'll run on fumes.

Good reminder, thank you!

What about getting into therapy, and/or a women's group to start to build a support net and help grow your confidence and self-esteem?  Being here and posting is also good, you have a 'tribe' of sorts now that you found for yourself and reached out to - a good first step! 

Thanks Kizzie for your reply - it made me a little teary to read that somebody really can understand what I'm going through. I feel so hidden/misunderstood in daily life that it's refreshing to have a place to share my issues. I go to therapy every week and it helps, but progress is very slow. The last trauma support group I tried didn't really work out, but I could try looking for another one. I'm also trying to get on a wait list for an IOP program for trauma survivors so I'm doing what I can! It's a tall mountain to climb and I know I've only just started.

This might sound silly but how about trying to explore being alone while still in a relationship?

I like that idea of switching off the phone to get some alone time. A lot of the times when I'm alone, I'm flipping through social media or watching youtube to ward off lonely feelings. After the last breakup, we decided that we needed more space so we went from seeing each other almost every day to only once or twice per week. It's disappointing to not be able to have someone around more often, but it's helpful for learning to build my own life and practice being alone. It's comforting to hear that it gets easier with time because despite how badly I don't want to be alone, that's how things seem to be shaking out and I'm going to need to adjust.

There's a lot to the situation with my current partner, and I won't belabor every detail, but I'll share the parts that trouble me the most.

I don't think we're a great match for each other. But does that inspire me to leave the relationship? No. I put up with less than what I deserve consistently because I believe it's the only thing I'm capable of getting. I've been trying for the past two years to make new friends with the hopes of seeing that there are other caring people out there, but every connection I've tried to make has fizzled or failed to start. I don't have the tools, or skills, or I'm just too defended to let people in or get to know them. He was able to slip through the cracks because of how eager he was to get to know me...it made it easier to open up. I'm so terrified of being alone that I make excuses for his behavior and I'll work to save the relationship at any cost.

Recently he's broken up with me twice - out of the blue both times. The first time, he took it back shortly after saying it. The second time he did it, I tried to cut off all contact, but he went so far as to leave notes on my car and show up to my house unannounced to tell me what a mistake he made. Both times I took him back (out of fear of being alone) and now I'm losing myself trying to keep him happy so he doesn't do it a third time. I haven't raised any issues with him and I've tried to be this sunshiney person that I know I'm not just to make sure he'll stay. I feel like I can't show my true emotions to him otherwise he'll break up with me again.

And if he does it again, it's final. If he shows up at my house, I'm getting a restraining order. I have the common sense to know that I can't entertain this complete lack of regard for my feelings. But I'm so afraid of it getting to that point that it seems like I'm willing to do anything to avoid him leaving me. I live now with a constant unease that I'm not allowed to be my true self and I get stuck on thoughts of abandonment - what if he decides to break up with me today? What if he doesn't love me anymore? And the thing is, I know logically that this isn't a good relationship for me! But I can't let go of it because he's the only person in my life left to show me love. Without him, it's just me, and in my dark places I don't have enough self-love to survive on. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but it's this utter fear of being left alone that I know comes from the oldest childhood wounds. I know I would be coping better if I had a stronger support system, but it's just not there.

Does anybody else have this fear? Any advice on how to better handle the idea of being completely alone - no friends, no family?

I struggle with this too. Lately something that's been helping is when I notice myself slipping into a rumination, I just start listing off the things I see in front of me. Often my troubles come to me in the shower, so I'll think, "Shower tiles. Shampoo. Conditioner. Shower rod." Or I'll list off all the colors or animals I can think of. Or I'll sing a song from start to end. They're all just ways to stay in the moment while blocking the runway for ruminating. Usually by the end of the singing, labelling what I see, or list making, I feel more present and I don't slip back into the ruminations as much.

I also practice meditation, but that can be really difficult in the moment of rumination. I like to think of it as an exercise regimen that helps you learn to identify when your mind is wandering in the first place. I'm able to catch my thought spirals quicker now thanks to meditation.

I like what others have mentioned in this thread, about being with the feeling and cultivating the deep knowing that you'll be okay through it all.

I've had similar experiences out in nature, where one minute I'm caught in the joy and gratitude of the moment and then I think about how badly I want to be sharing this experience with someone...anyone. It's such a devastatingly lonely feeling that can be really hard to bear. I'm glad you were able to see it through.

Wow, that got me thinking about some of the relationships in my life. I like how concise it is - you said so much using so few words. Thanks for sharing!

I hesitate to post this because I don't want to give you a negative impression of what finding love will be like! I'll just say it's different for everyone, but here's my experience.

I was with the same guy since I was 15, too - we were together for 10 years before I realized how totally unhealthy it was. He struggled with the same issues as my F and he was emotionally checked out 100% of the time around year 2 or so. The writing was on the wall and I should have seen it, but my fear of being alone was grandiose. My entire family is toxic and I had no friends...I relied on him for so much. I'm surprised I had the courage to call it off when I did - my whole world crumbled.

It took a couple years to truly move past it, but love the second time around has been challenging to say the very least. I'm with someone who I can't stand and who I have strong feelings for at the same time. I go every day vacillating between thinking he's the worst and feeling fondness for him. He perpetually disappoints me and yet I stick around because I deeply believe another person won't come around again for a long time and I fear being totally alone. I still have no friends, my family is still toxic...so I put up with things a lot of other partners wouldn't because of my predicament.

My previous relationship falling apart changed my trust in the world and my trust in myself. Loving again has been excruciating. But I bet it would be a lot less difficult if I could just wait until I found the truly right person for me. The person I'm currently with isn't it, but I can't stand the thought of being alone for another week, much less another few years. If you can stand to be alone, it pays to be more discerning I think. The more choosy you are the second time around, the better the love will feel.

Ugh I can relate so much to what's been said here.  Getting along with people on the job is tough because I have a very hard time allowing myself to be open to getting to know new people -- despite the deep craving to have friends. Like, there's one person at work who I have enough in common with, but I keep finding reasons why she and I wouldn't click as good friends. I never really invite other people out places because I just assume people don't want to know me. Which from my past history has been true! People rarely invite me out either.

Not much else I can offer other than commiseration. I often feel tense and upset at work because of not feeling like I belong. You're not alone.

I haven't spoken to my F for several years because I know in my soul that he will never acknowledge or apologize for the things he did. His addiction and mental illness kept him from seeing clearly when the abuse took place, and for all I know he's still dealing with both of those and would never be able to see clearly long enough to hear my perspective. Not once in my life did he ever really care what I thought or felt and that wouldn't change now.

I tend to think that the last thing evil can tolerate is being pointed out...people of poor quality will do anything they can to avoid the truth if it reflects poorly on them. They don't want to look in the mirror, they don't want to see and accept their own evil. It's all truly selfish on their part.

I can imagine how unfinished things must feel for you and how difficult it is to move forward. Take it day by day - I'll hold some hope for you that you'll one day find peace on this.

This is exactly what I'm juggling right now...the need for isolation and the fear of being alone, simultaneously. I've lived in a major city for the past 6-ish years and there isn't a single person I know here other than my partner (who for some reason decides to stick around). I sometimes marvel at how I've been able to stay so isolated -- then the inner critic takes over and says there must be something about me that keeps people away...and then comes the fear of being alone for what it must say about me. So I start a quest to try and get to know people and it inevitably fails when I'm hurt, feel slighted, or just don't see another soul around who looks interested in getting to know me.

Right now I feel like people are overrated. They're nice to and for other people, but they're just never there for me. They're like fish food, and I'm a dog. Occasionally I'll catch a whiff and be like, oh this seems nice, but they can't sustain me. The loneliness that lives in me can't really be extinguished by another person. It's a sad reality but it's the one I have to live with.

I hate that you're going through this too but it's nice to not feel alone in what might be the loneliest experience ever.