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Messages - Hope67

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Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: February 24, 2020, 11:27:00 AM »
Hi SanMagic, Thank you  :hug:

24th February 2020
Just to say I'm not very well at the moment - nothing really bad, just fluey kind of feelings, bad cold, sore throat, over a few days now, but I think I'm getting a bit better as time goes on.
Hope  :)

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: dealing with self hate toward vulnerable parts
« on: February 19, 2020, 10:40:18 AM »
Hi cynditk,
I read your post, and I found what you wrote to be very thought provoking.  I am still trying to get to know my various parts, and I am aware that I've not really communicated very much with them yet, but what I relate to in what you wrote, is that I feel sure there are vulnerable health-related parts, and I also think there are protective parts who maybe want to protect those parts, and therefore it could make it harder to self-care as a result of that.  (Apologies that I don't feel I'm making much sense in what I'm saying here - I'm finding it hard to articulate myself these couple of days - but I wanted to reply to you).  I do relate to what you said.

I felt sad when I heard you say about how you were abandoned and ignored emotionally when ill - and also sometimes physically as well.  I hope I don't seem intrusive in offering you a hug  :hug: - please only take that if it feels safe and acceptable to you - as I know you don't know me.

I hope you are able to care for yourself in some way.  Take care.
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: February 18, 2020, 09:36:50 AM »
Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug today  :hug:  When I am more articulate I'd want to say more, but can't find the words just now.  I'm glad you got out in the fresh air and that it was grounding and I hope the bad dreams will leave you alone. 
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: February 18, 2020, 09:34:22 AM »
Hi Snowdrop & Notalone,
 :hug: :hug: to you both. 
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Stutter - Deep Blue
« on: February 18, 2020, 09:33:10 AM »
Hi Deep Blue,
Really sorry to hear your son is sick again, and I want to send you a supportive hug to you  :hug: and hope that he gets well again very soon. 
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: February 15, 2020, 06:43:21 PM »
15th February 2020
I was upset by the news that a famous person was found dead today at the age of 40, and I found out because my computer flashed the message up on the screen.  I'm not sure how I've caused that notification to happen, but it was a shock.  It's not as if I know the person, they were a celebrity (British) and I knew that they had been experiencing some difficulties in relationships, but the news that they have died, it's a shock.

I don't really know why it has affected me so much, so I have come here to write about it.  I tried to access a chatline online, but it freaked me out, it was the 7Cups website and I was trying to talk to the Bot, but then the Bot said a listener was going to come to talk to me, and I didn't want to talk to a real person, I preferred to talk to the Bot - which makes me wonder why I was so fearful to connect to a real person.   

Quite a few deaths have happened in the past week - and they are people who are close to people I know IRL, so maybe I am fearing the fact of death, and not managing to process that very well.  I don't really know. 

I've finished the book by Philippa Perry, and I started reading a book by a survivor of bulimia and eating disorders, and whilst I didn't think I had many issues with eating, except for probably having binge ate quite a bit in my earlier life, and comfort eating now - I was able to relate to some things in the person's past, and things she was saying about dissociating.  She even described how she had looked in a mirror as a child and dissociated to see a girl looking back at her who wasn't felt as the same person as she actually was - and I thought - yes, me too. That happened to me.  I used to stare at my reflection in the mirror, and watch it morph into a slightly different girl than myself.  I think that horror films had got me doing that - but I do remember it.

The Embodied Trauma conference was really interesting, and I did take some notes.  I might share some of them at some point, but I am keen not to over-load myself, as it means re-processing things - that is good in a way, but can also over-whelm me.  There was a woman with red hair who spoke really well - I can't remember who she was now, but she spoke of 'growling' and protecting, and things she said have stayed with me. 

I've been dreaming more at night - and last night I felt as if I'd entered a realm that was significant, but I can't remember the content of what happened, and that feels frustrating to me.  But I really felt as if I was making some progress in the dream. 

I am so glad I came here to write, because I am feeling a bit better.  I had a horrible feeling inside, like a vacant and horrible hole, and just writing these things and getting out some words, I feel calmer. 

Hope  :)

I seem to be developing more understanding of some of my triggers - or at least, I think so.  I have some kind of trigger about animals wearing clothes in children's stories and films, and there are certain ones I tend to avoid watching for that reason.

I watched Toy Story 4 last night, and I was ok for most of it, but what triggered me was when one of the Dolls spotted a little child who was lost in the fair ground, and was crying, and the doll wanted to help the child, and recognised the distress, and came to her to comfort her.  That caused me to react in a very visceral and emotional way.  But what I found interesting was that it was the recognition from the doll of the emotional needs of the young child, that is what really touched me emotionally - and I find this happens whenever anyone appears to notice my emotions and shows any kind of caring towards them.  It is incredibly emotional for me.  I just wanted to say that today - and write it down somewhere, so I don't lose the connection.

Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: stuck stuck stuck
« on: February 12, 2020, 07:50:50 PM »
Hi SanMagic,
What a great idea to read some Mary Poppins, that sounds really nice.  I hope you enjoyed it.

I also hope that your appt with your interim t goes ok on Friday.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: February 12, 2020, 07:49:13 PM »
Hi SanMagic,
Thank you for your love and hugs, and sending some back to you as well  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Jazzy's Journal
« on: February 12, 2020, 07:47:50 PM »
Hi Jazzy,
Glad you're ok.  I am glad to hear that your depression isn't so bad right now.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Discovery Journal
« on: February 11, 2020, 03:02:52 PM »
Hi Three Roses,
I hope you get some sunshine soon.  In the meantime, I send you a heartfelt hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Not Alone: Reduced Visibility; One Step at a Time
« on: February 11, 2020, 03:01:46 PM »
Hi Notalone, I also want to send you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: February 11, 2020, 11:47:36 AM »
Hi Blueberry,
I just want to say how much I appreciate your reply here, and I've read some of your notes that you've taken from the Embodied Trauma Conference as well, and I think you have taken such great notes, and written many helpful things.  You also helped me feel less alone with my difficulty with technology - I experience these difficulties so often - often daily infact, and it frustrates me a lot.  But you're right, there's no reason to feel shame about it, and that is validating to know.  Thank you  :hug:

I have found the post that I did, and you're right in that there is so often a reason when I can't find things, it's like my parts aren't ready for me to look at something - but I did read through the replies today, and will return to them again when I feel less overwhelmed.  I realise I'm still carrying lots of feelings from having watched the Embodied Trauma conference, and also reading a book by Philippa Perry - and there was quite a bit of overlap between those resources, and it was helpful.

I am realising many things - and I hope to write about them, once I can manage to think through and summarise some of my thoughts and feelings about it all.  But I do feel overwhelmed at the present moment, and so I need to perhaps step away a bit, and find ways to orientate myself to chill out a bit in the here and now. 

 :hug: to you Blueberry - I also read what you wrote when you were talking with Libby, about sitting watching the Conference and having a cuddly toy to stroke - and I did exactly the same thing - infact I hadn't realised how lovely and soft my cuddly toy was, until doing that - as I've had it next to me but hadn't picked it up to hold or stroke it.  One of the speakers encouraged the exploration of touch and texture, and that had brought me to do that - and then I thought the toy felt like a lovely warm kitten, as if it was a breathing thing.  Amazing to experience that. 

Hope  :)

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your replies.  I've managed to find this post again, I'd managed to lose it before, and I've re-read everyone's replies, and I admit I can't take everything in at the moment, as I'm still feeling quite a lot of emotion from having attended the Embodied Trauma Conference, and reading a book as well, which has affected me.

But at least I know where this is now, and I will be returning to re-read and process, and then hopefully to focus on some things people have suggested, as I can see they would be very helpful.

Thank you everyone.
Hope  :)

Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Continuing to Befriend My Parts.
« on: February 07, 2020, 07:17:34 PM »
7th February 2020
Interesting to notice that having attended some of the sessions of the Embodying Trauma Conference, I find that there is part of me that seems to get activated and becomes more prominent, and it's like an angry part of myself, and I'm wondering if it's because attending the conference has evoked some sensitive and vulnerable parts of myself, and the angry part is some kind of protector who wants to ensure I don't stay too long focusing on things.  Yet I am thinking that it's better for me to explore in that way, and to get in touch with some of the feelings that are evoked, so I continue to pursue it.

I've felt some challenging feelings and I found one of the talks to be particularly upsetting - it was one I heard today by Raymond Castellino and he talked about peri- and pre-natal stuff, and I found it very upsetting.  But at the same time, I felt it was good to acknowledge those feelings and to express the emotion, and I cried.  It was ok.

I am tired now.  But I feel ok.

I am sure there are things I can use from this conference, and I'm glad that I attended it.  I've been reading a book as well - by Philippa Perry about parenting and I'm writing notes about it as I read it, to help myself to process it, and as I read it - I get strong reactions to things that are written, and comparing my own experience with the descriptions that Philippa writes about.  I feel like it's a helpful book to me at the moment, and what I need to read.  But I'm taking it slowly and processing little by little so as not to over-whelm myself.

Hope  :)

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