Messages

TW: Emotional / Verbal abuse and SA; TW - talk of suicide in past

While I find myself feeling anger lately towards people who I feel have treated me badly, something I thought I just didn't feel until it began to surface in intense and difficult to handle ways, I still have a hard time accepting that the things that have happened to me throughout my life are abuse, or would be traumatizing - I feel as though I am making excuses for myself to be lazy, to behave badly, to interact ineffectively with others.  I know objectively this is not true.  I know that I am not making excuses, that I am working very hard on myself and my emotions and social skills - DBT has been a miracle and I do try. 

I know that I don't have to have more memories of what my dad did for it to "count" and that I remember it happening twice and that is enough it doesn't have to be worse.  I know that all the yelling, yelling at me while I cried myself into asthma attacks, the guilt tripping, the abandonment, and my mom threatening to kill herself because I made her angry despite my dad having actually done it, was enough.  The isolation and lack of social interaction throughout high school.  The friend when I was 18 who told me I just didn't try to be happy, argued with his parents in front of me, yelled at me often in the car, yelled at me at work along with the managers who yelled at and degraded me, and continued yelling at me at work after I tried to cut off contact when he didn't seem to understand what "I don't really want to do this anymore" meant and had sex with me anyway was enough.

Then there was the ex who made me solely responsible for his care and mental well being, his suicide attempts, sometimes finding out the next day that he'd taken all his meds, never knowing what I'd come home from work to, and not being able to end the relationship until he finally decided to after I tried and failed multiple times because I was afraid of what would happen to him.  I still don't consider that abuse, just toxic dependency, but I never realized until recently that it may have effected me, too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making it all up, that everything that happened was my fault because I should and could have done something to stop it or said something to someone.  I didn't realize what was happening to me at the time, sometimes I think that because it took until later for me to realize it was bad or for me to be angry that I warped it in my head.  Then I realize that if I think of another person in any one of the situations I've been in I would be far more sympathetic.  Sometimes I need to remind myself that the things that have happened to me are real and the ways they effect me are too!

I have been so unsure of whether to call this abuse.  While it was happening, my now former friends and other roommates would tell me that I played an equal part in the situation, basically that my acting out justified the way they treated, and continue to treat, me.  I just want to explain the situation and tell my story and get some outside opinions from people who understand how your behavior and emotions can be different when you've been abused previously, and maybe get some validation lol.

I'm 20 years old, and experienced sexual and emotional abuse during my childhood as well as when I was 18.  Last year I lived in what was essentially a punk house with six other people.  It all started when one roommate's (C, 23) partner (F,27) needed a place to stay for a while before moving in to a new apartment.  We, of course, were all fine with this.  Their dog also came to stay with us.  He was annoying, barked constantly, snapped at people in the house, and had bitten a friend before.  Despite this, my own dogs were confined to my bedroom while he had free roam of the house. 

About a month before, my cats had been "evicted" because they started peeing places besides the litter boxes - mostly on things people left on the floor, nobody ever cleaned the house and there were always spills/messes/dishes, I tried cleaning and so did others but soon gave up when the work wasn't appreciated and the messes quickly reappeared.

The problem started when I was asked if I would be ok with F's cat staying with us, too.  I said that I was not, that I felt it would not be a good environment for the cat, that it would not be good for C's cat (this cat had FIV), and that it would effect my dogs.  This was written off as me just being upset because I'd had to re-home my own cats which, yes, I was, but I felt I also had logical reasons, and that my opinion should be considered.  I became angry, and threw a bit of a tantrum in our group chat, saying things mostly about how I felt unheard and that I thought it was unfair of then to not consider my opinion, but within a day let them know that I realized that regardless of how I felt I knew if there was no other option for the cat I would need to deal with it and that I was willing to.

After this, F began sending me angry texts, accusing me of being hostile towards them and telling me to stop and not stopping when I asked them to and informed them that I was allowed to be angry but that I knew I would have to deal with it.  They told me that they had no option but to live in their car with their dog and their cat, even though I had suggested having someone else care for the cat temporarily.  I told them that I was not being hostile towards them and that it was not personal, but when they would not stop and even texted me at 4 in the morning I told them "* off", which they cited as proof of "it being personal".

After this, they heard me walking outside of the bedroom they were in and started * you at me repeatedly.  I was already in a lot of emotional distress, it doesn't take much to upset me, and had one of my full blown emotional Attacks. I ended up taking all of my antidepressants. Another roommate witnessed this, and had C drive them to get hydrogen peroxide to make me throw them up.  They then told F not to speak to me, which F apparently took to mean never speak to me again. 

Except for when yet another roommate decided to try to meditate a conversation between us the next day - he asked me a question, I don't remember exactly what, but before I finished my sentence, F decided what I was saying was wrong and started yelling, so I left.
For about a month F lived with us, and never said a word to me.  I also never spoke to them, as I was afraid of the anger that it would trigger if I did.  C became increasingly distant to me.  Every time I tried to talk to other roommates about the situation, they told me that my behavior had also been unacceptable. 

I became increasingly paranoid about F, and then C, telling others bad things about me, talking behind my back about how unstable I am.

After F moved out, I thought it was over, but they continued to come over to spend time with C.  I would lock myself in my room, and became pretty isolated from friend group events, as they were always invited.  I was never given any warning before they came over.  I would feel ... well, I'm not great at identifying my emotions, but I'm working on it and honestly I got pretty angry when they were around.  I expressed my frustration to the other roommates frequently, but they told me that F had a right to be there.
At one time I got angry about them using the internet that I paid for, and turned it off when they came over, but they used their WiFi hotspot to use my Xbox.  I went into the living room and took it, they started laughing at me and I yelled * you. 

I realize that this behavior is not ok.  I have never really had angry outbursts before, but it was like so much frustration had built up.  They kept laughing at me and I could hear them in my bedroom, I felt angry and felt the urge to either self harm or break something, so I took the empty liquor bottles we had on top of our kitchen cabinets and broke them outside.  This definitely made them think I was violent and crazy, but I never directed any destructive behavior towards people, and didn't even speak to anyone as I was doing this, I just walked past everyone and did it.

I moved out of that house in December and have a much better living situation now.  I hadn't had any contact with C or F since then.  However, they recently posted videos of them burning things I left at their house on instagram and even went as far as to tag me in them. 

I was told by a friend that F sent a message saying "retaliation for abuse is not abuse" in a large group chat with many of my friends that I started but left after I stopped talking to F, leading me to believe that they are telling people that I have been abusive.  I know that my outbursts were not ok, I am in therapy and have been working on dealing with my emotions in better ways.  I've actually been doing very well since I have been living elsewhere. 

I am not the least bit neurotypical and struggle a lot with emotional regulation, and everyone I lived with was aware of my issues and previous abuse.  Nothing I did was intended to threaten or harm anyone.  Some of the people I used to live with do think that them burning things was a bit much- luckily, it was things I left because I did not want them.  C and F have always had much more social status and connections within the community than me.  They could decide to label my emotional acting out as abusive, violent, and threatening, and I fear that they have already told many people, ruining connections and opportunities for me.

Thanks anyone who reads all of this and/or responds ❤️