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Also, great suggestion about him supporting me in a second-chance answer. I think if I can do this, we can get ahead of it and he can see my intentions. And I can tell the truth without feeling like I'm going
To be punished for lying in the first place.


Thank you so much everyone--this is a great community and you have already made me feel so welcome and accepted.

Thank you Everyone for your feedback and your help! My fiancé has actually been wonderful in all of this--I have asked him for help in managing my finances as I have a habit of impulse spending, and can't manage money. My parents were constantly living well above their means (which wasn't much) so we were always scrambling for necessities. 

I destroyed my credit, and he's trying to help me rebuild it. He constantly reassures me he loves me and has been helping to pay for my therapy , and has been going to therapy himself to communicate in a way that makes me feel safe.

I don't feel as though I'm walking on eggshells, because it's only when I do something that's wrong by my standards that I kind of freak.

Does that make sense? It's like all of a sudden, it feels like my dad is there saying "you're worthless, you're nothing, and nobody could love you." 

Obviously I logically know this isn't true but then sometimes something happens and it all rushes back in and I can't stop it.

I don't know what this is called (I'm new to all this and still learning a lot of terms) but it's like everything is so great and then one little thing happens and suddenly I can't breathe.

Thank you--I got six or seven sessions in with one therapist (the one who diagnosed me) and then when the new year came, my company switched insurances, and she was no longer an in network provider. I can't afford her hourly and now I am having to start all over with someone new on Thursday. I can't talk to my mom about it because I feel guilty--she feels bad, as she feels though she perpetuated the abuse by not stopping it (but she was a victim too).

But when I talk to her, she feels guilty.  And it's just hard to feel this way and feel incredibly alone.

Hi all,

First time post. I'm writing because I'm really struggling in my relationship. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after years of physical and emotional abuse from my father, and also when I would do something wrong (leave a light on in a room after leaving, forget to take my shoes off) I would not be allowed to eat dinner with the rest of the family. I would have to wait until my dad left a room before I was allowed back in.

Now, I am a few months away from being married and I find myself lying about little things.  Example: "when did you pay the rent" and I will say I paid it yesterday when instead I am actually on my way to pay it.

I do it because I feel like I should have done it yesterday and it's so stupid because my fiancé would never do what my dad did but it's my automatic response. My fiancé is fed up with it, because it's the lying he cares about. He says we can fix anything if I'm just honest, and I know that but in the moment when I get questioned my automatic response is to say what I think he wants to hear and then quickly go try to do it/remedy it.

Is this a part of PTSD? I don't want to be a liar. I despise myself for this and afterwards I get so guilty that I puke and get dizzy, and feel depressed.

I am so afraid he's going to leave me now for lying. The lying is self destructive and I don't know how to show him I don't want to be this person. I've opened myself up to being transparent with my bank accounts so he can help me but it's killing me to feel this way and treat him this way.