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Messages - Deep Blue

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1
Good for you, take care of yourself first

2
I agree with you Blueberry. I feel like fear is in my gut too.  My T has been saying the same thing too.  That Iím supposed to see where I feel my emotions physically. I think my emotions are mostly fear related though?

How are you feeling? Still sick or doin a little better?


3
Recovery Journals / Re: JDog's Journal
« on: May 20, 2019, 12:06:09 AM »
Hey Jdog,
I have 4 days of exams and then a teacher workday on Friday and then Iím finished.  Yay!

I still have no clue what Iím teaching next year yet though. It drives me crazy to not know till the last day of school.  Grrrr

Iím also still waiting to see if I will have to do some coursework of my own this summer.  Much love! Jdog  :hug:

4
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« on: May 19, 2019, 03:33:32 PM »
Hey Hope,
I find it difficult when my husband is away too.  I even found it difficult when he didnít know I had trauma in my history... granted thatís new as of this past week but yes, it is difficult.

Iím grateful for this place because at least I have you all when heís gone now
We are here for you too honey
  :grouphug:

5
Art / Re: Where I feel the most peace and everything washes away
« on: May 19, 2019, 01:46:01 AM »
Eco warrior
I love this drawing.  Do you feel a mermaid is your spiritual creature? I think mine is a Phoenix

6
Things are starting to get better!  :cheer:

Not alone, 3R: thanks so much for your continued support.

Woodsgnome: thanks for always popping in when I need it the most.

MoonBeam,
I did just that and hung in there and eventually things got easier to handle.

Jdog,
Itís the kids taking college classes in high school That is killing us.  No need for so many high school teachers ya know? Itís been tough AND I still donít know my schedule.  They said probably this coming Friday.... did I mention Friday is the staff workday and kidsí last day is Thursday? Ugh  :doh:

7
Iím so wrung out,
Meetings after school lasted for 1.5 hours and with everything else Iím soooo done.

Part of me wants to take tomorrow off work, but itís also the last day Iíll see some of my students before exams and I want to help them prepare.

I honestly thought I was gonna have a panic attack right then and there when my Coworker came barging in my room the 3rd time.

Iím trying to use the new mantra I made for myself: just because things are not in my control doesnít mean Iím out of control.

I drank some tonight... just wanna sleep and I donít want to think about today anymore.  :no:

8
My head is spinning!  :stars:

Around 40 involuntary transfers in my districts yesterday.  People are reeling. Iím sort of effected but get to stay in my own building.  So many people freaking out and Iím trying to steer clear of the insanity.

Deep breaths I gotta get through this week till I find out what Iím teaching

9
Checking Out / Re: Off for a bit
« on: May 15, 2019, 03:50:55 PM »
Good for you sweetie,
We will be here when you get back
 :grouphug:

10
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: The face I show you
« on: May 15, 2019, 02:50:50 PM »
MoonBeam,
I appreciate what you wrote very much.  Things donít have to sound nice.... they just need to come from the heart  :yes: ❤️❤️

Eco warrior,
The way you describe yourself strikes a chord with me.  Iím the joke maker, the life of the party, itís my mission to help others. 
The only difference is that I donít talk trauma... too ashamed you see? I did speak with my husband last night though... so that is a HUGE step for me.  May I also just say that I wish I had an ounce of your artistic talent? Iíve seen everything you post in the art section and think you are amazing

11
3R, Jdog, Hope, and SaB,
Thanks so much for your support.

I told my husband last night.  Iím not feeling quite like I expected I would but I suppose I canít predict the future.

I thought I would feel like a weight was lifted, like now I donít have to hide it from him anymore.  That is not how I feel though... donít get me wrong, I feel supported by him... itís just that I feel more exhausted than I thought I would.

So yeah... he didnít ask questions. I didnít offer to answer any either. I told him I hate talking about it and that I only really tell my T about it.  I was worried that Iíve been in therapy for 3 years and be had never once asked why.

Me waiting 3 years to tell him was (surprisingly) a non-issue.  He said he just figured I would tell him when I was ready.  He said he didnít want to pry.

I took some stuff to help me sleep last night.  I did sleep but I was trapped in the nightmares and couldnít wake up either. 

In my head I know that this is progression.  My heart needs to catch up I think though...

Much love to you all

12
My T was able to fit me in tonight at 7. She wasnít even working in her office today and still saw me.  I feel so needy and pitiful that I needed her to see me so desperately.

3R, Jdog and Hope,
Thanks for the love and hugs.  I will hold it all close to me tonight.

Iím going to break my silence tonight. Tonight is the night that I tell my husband... I canít fight this alone anymore... not if I want to come out ahead... Iím going to tell him I have cptsd, Iím not gonna tell him details but itís a start...
Here goes nothin... (well here goes everything)

13
MoonBeam,
Still waiting on clarity on the job front. I hate keeping secrets about it... rumors get started and I canít stop them without reveling the thing Iím not supposed to talk about.

Hey Jdog,
Iím struggling for some reason... I feel like something is bubbling up and I canít put my finger on it.  Feeling sad I think? I really appreciate you and will try to do exactly what you suggest. Iím going to try to break things up into more manageable pieces.

Hey 3R,
Iím not so good today. I donít have a reason to be struggling... just am  :Idunno:

14
Recovery Journals / Re: JDog's Journal
« on: May 14, 2019, 12:41:10 PM »
Jdog,
I am quite certain you have filled that role before. You probably just donít recognize it.  To you, itís just a Thursday...  :hug: love ya darling

15
Update:
My student is ok.  He was worried over the weekend that he would hurt himself so he and his parents got him back in the hospital for the weekend.  He had been in a partial hospitalization program for a couple months in the fall.

He thanked me for calling and checking in on him.  Heís was doing much better today and said he just needs to remember to put his mental health as a priority.  Iím so relieved he is safe.

Thanks so much MoonBeam,
No clarity about the new class yet but am hoping to hear by this Friday 🤞
óóóóóóóóóóó
****TW: flashback of PA


I had a heck of a time in therapy today.  I couldnít say the word... Iím worried Iím regressing a bit.  Iím stuck again and canít say the b word.  I had a major flashback and massive panic attack last Wednesday about being hit with a bó-.  When it was over I realized I was curled up on the floor... yeah... it really knocked it out of me.

** end trigger warning***
my T pushed me today and I wasnít able to say the word but I wrote out some of what I wanted to say.  I wish I could have done more  :Idunno:

Terrified I wonít sleep tonight.  Goodnight forum 🌙

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