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Messages - Deep Blue

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Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal: Befriending My Parts
« on: March 23, 2019, 08:02:35 PM »
Hey sweetie,
I hope you get the rest you need this weekend.  I just want you to know that being distracted happens. We need to be easy on ourselves.  Please be gentle with yourself. Take good care  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue痴 searching for balance journal
« on: March 23, 2019, 04:12:04 PM »
Thanks so much 3 roses and not alone,
Packing today. Spring break is officially here and we are headed to Disney world tomorrow morning. My son is really excited and I am too.

Hey Hope,
I致e missed you. I always appreciate your insight and love. I will never ever turn away a hug from you either  :bigwink: :hug:  sometimes when I知 in the thick of it, I try to do on my own. But the fact is, we are social creatures and I needed people like you and this forum to be able to pick myself up.  I just needed that helping hand so thanks.

I will for sure enjoy some spring break for you too.  I値l get a little sun and lots of walking.   :). Hang in there with school and let me know if you need anything

Recovery Journals / Re: JDog's Journal
« on: March 23, 2019, 04:06:45 PM »
I feel ya darling!
It痴 like the starfish analogy though... a man was walking on the beach and there were hundreds of starfish there.  They had all washed up on shore.  I watched him as he picked them up 1 by 1 throwing them back in the water. I went over to him and said there are so many starfish you can稚 possivly make a difference.  The man picked up another and threw it in. He said, maybe not, but I知 making a difference for that starfish.

Much love to ya sweetie. I致e really missed you but feel myself coming back.  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« on: March 22, 2019, 10:45:47 PM »
Aw wattlebird,
I can稚 imagine how tough that must have been.  Not only for you but for your daughters too.

I知 glad you wrote it out and really hope that it helped.  San those tears are toxic and it痴 good to let them flow during these times.

Hug for strength  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue痴 searching for balance journal
« on: March 22, 2019, 12:35:44 PM »
3 Roses,
Thanks for everything.  I didn稚 feel very cared for in life and i appreciate your words more than I can express.  It makes me feel like there is a warm blanket on me.  :hug:

Now that I知 coming out of the EF I知 able to feel some compassion towards myself again.  When I知 in the EF my brain tells me I deserved the abuse. Thanks for reminding me that no one deserves it.

Flashbacks are such a shock to the system. But when broken apart, the 'flash' part of that word can disappear, and can only go backwards. That there is any 'back there' is very disheartening, but it also is where it should be returned, so in the present your own beauty is left shining in spite of all the pain.  :hug:                                         
That gave me more strength than you know.  It really helped me ground and realize that in the present, I知 not in danger. I知 not being hurt.  The body memories are temporary and it is over.  Thanks for your care and compassion.

Thanks, for being you. I have been feeling so lost lately. Thanks for finding me and leading me back to the light  :hug:
I feel myself coming back to life again the last couple days.  The flashbacks have lessened and I知 about to start spring break. 

This forum and you all are so valuable to me.  Sometimes I worry when I post things. I知 terrified of triggering others with what I write. 

We have all been through so much already.  Sometimes I shake my head at the creative sadistic things that were done to us  :sadno: 

At any rate I知 feeling more myself again and that feels good. Deep breaths. I also hope that now that I am feeling better I can start to read around on the forum again. 

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Fighting the urge
« on: March 22, 2019, 12:22:46 PM »
Feeling more like myself again.  Urge is mostly gone, at least it痴 lessened to the point that I have the will to fight it.

Honestly, Kizzie pointing out that I was in an EF was a Huge help.  It helped to bring that rational piece of my mind out again.

Thanks 3R so much.  It felt good to read that I have worth in this forum.  Thanks for that.  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Deep Blue痴 searching for balance journal
« on: March 20, 2019, 09:32:26 PM »
Thanks Jdog love ya
Deep breath and huge TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!!!! *********

Things have been really tough for me lately. Kizzie pointed out to me that I知 probably in an EF.

Long story short I keep getting barraged with flashbacks during the daytime. 

One of my coworkers daughter was in a facility for trying to take her own life several times. She was my student and so was my coworker痴 other daughter.  Both of them have now been hospitalized for suicide ideation and severe SH.

My coworker doesn稚 seem to get that it痴 not healthy for me to hear about it.  One daughter was strapped to a bed when he tried to visit her. (I should probably add that she is high functioning autistic) yeah and I can稚 help it but it triggers the need to SH in me and these dumb visual flashbacks.

Those who have read around the forum probably realize I don稚 do well with tight spaces.  I was often forced to ride home in the trunk of a car.  :Idunno:  I always did what I was told and hated EVERY second of it.

Something I have not shared on the forum is.... deep breath deep breath...
I was routinely bound, gagged and left there.  My T has called it leaving me 塗og tied which usually leads to me getting a panic attack in session.

So the idea of my coworker talking about his severely depressed daughter bound to a bed is too much for me.  It痴 just too much.  I don稚 cry... tears don稚 come... another lovely leftover of PA  :Idunno:  so the only way I have reprieve from my emotions are if I SH or have a panic attack.  And that is where I am right now.

So yeah... I知 feel devastated and alone and broken... all part of the EF I guess  :Idunno: 

If you made it though all that, can I just say I feel alone and that I really need a hug. 😔

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Fighting the urge
« on: March 20, 2019, 06:28:29 PM »
You are so right Kizzie! I知 in a EF  :doh:  thanks so much for that.  Knowing that I知 in one makes it easier.  Now I need to take it into consideration.

I may pop over to my journal and tell the specifics of what the trigger is.  I don稚 want to put it here because it痴 sure to trigger others.

Thanks for all of you  :hug:

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Fighting the urge
« on: March 20, 2019, 02:33:00 PM »
Thanks for being kind to me when I have no desire to be kind to myself.

Thanks for telling me I知 worth the kindness even though I don稚 feel like it. 

My T told me that the emotional pull to SH dissapates to manageable after 2 minutes. I told her that was junk! Asked her where she got that?? I told her it痴 been 3 days! And I致e been struggling much longer than that lately.

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Fighting the urge
« on: March 19, 2019, 09:48:33 PM »
Thanks for saying you think of me.  I致e been terrible to you lately.  I致e barely posted anything the last couple months, and nothing on your journal  :Idunno:  I知 caught up in so much of my own stuff and I知 losing faith that things will get better for me.

I feel like I used to have more to say in this forum. I used to have will and energy to help others.  Now where am I? I知 just digging my own hole and not helping anyone. I知 a whiney needy thing that takes up space.

Too many flashbacks... I can稚 sleep through the night... My well is empty.

I致e missed you.  Maybe I can draw it today... usually I write poems but I just can稚 even do that right now.  Yeah I hope it passes, i just hate when I get to the point that I don稚 have the energy to fight. I知 closing in on that quickly

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Fighting the urge
« on: March 19, 2019, 05:20:05 PM »
I知 really fighting the urge to self harm the last couple days.  It keeps popping in my head.  I tell myself it痴 not worth it. I have tried squeezing ice cubes, drawing hard on paper, coloring in red, so many things!!!!

It痴 still there  :Idunno:  I know if I do it, I値l be able to breathe again.  But I致e come so far to slip now...  :Idunno:

Just need people to tell me it will be ok and the urge will pass  ???

Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's adventure pt. 3
« on: March 18, 2019, 02:23:54 PM »
Well you can add me to your corner sweetie. I致e always cared about you and will continue to, long after I have left this forum.

I知 not up to posting much lately, so that how much you mean to me  :hug:

Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's adventure pt. 3
« on: March 18, 2019, 02:15:01 PM »
Hey sweetie,
Sorry I was MIA all of February. I致e been keeping mostly to myself.  I just saw that you had been struggling. 

Just wanted to let you know that I still care about you and am sending you some love.  Safe  :hug: if it痴 ok

Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: I Smile
« on: March 16, 2019, 11:24:25 PM »
Thanks not alone

Poetry & Creative Writing / I Smile
« on: March 16, 2019, 08:43:47 PM »
I smile
So they won稚 know...
To hide what I feel...
Even when it hurts...
I smile
To disguise the pain.

By: Deep Blue

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