Messages

Angry people
People specifically angry at me - this is probably my worst trigger to an EF
When someone finds out I've done something wrong
Pretty much all authority figures
Knowing that friends or family are out doing something and I'm home alone
Feeling like I'm a burden to people
Having to ask for help
Having to admit that I have emotional/anxiety problems

I'm thinking of making a really huge life change...

Basically for the last 8-10 years I've been pursuing and working in a field that I was convinced is what I wanted in my life. I have CPTSD issues from childhood but I believed I was capable of doing this work. But in this career I have to work very closely with other people which has caused a lot of anxiety because of occasionally having to deal with angry and irrational people. I also have to get up and speak in front of crowds of people quite regularly. While I was always extremely confident in front of crowds before, shortly after starting this career I starting having huge difficulties being in front of people... from nervousness to full-on panic attacks. This has made the last several years hellish for me because I never know when the panic will return, whether I'll be able to get through the next presentation, etc. I've been working under the assumption that the anxiety will get better and will work itself out as I continue, so I've been soldiering on hoping improvement will come... but this hasn't happened. In many ways its gotten worse. I'm very good at what I do and so many people look to me as an example in this field but they have no idea what I'm going through inside. I honestly think that this is what I want to do in my life... so its extremely difficult to think of just walking away from it all and starting a totally new path in life. But at this point I don't see any other way... the anxiety isn't getting better and life is becoming miserable.

I dream of starting a life where I can have some safe people to share with and where I can work on recovery issues without being perpetually re-triggered by difficult people and public-speaking anxiety. Still I'm terrified to make that step because I have no idea what I would do with my life and I have fears of ending up broke and alone with no where to turn.
Anyway, no specific questions for people, just if you'd like to chime in with advice I'd love to hear it. Thanks.

That's a great quote, very helpful for me as well. It may come from Pete Walker's "Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD." At the end he offers a  list of 14 common inner critic attacks and healthier thought-substitution responses.
Number 3 begins: "I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself."
That's been very helpful for me.
Original article: http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

I'm not sure if this is a good analogy or not, so take it for what it's worth... but sometimes I think about living with cptsd as like having diabetes. If you have diabetes but don't know what's wrong you're going to be terribly sick with your sugar levels going all over the place... And you'll be miserable until you understand what's wrong with you. Once you learn about what you have and start insulin treatment and proper diet, you can go on to live a largely normal life. Do you still have diabetes? Yes, and every day you have to take your insulin and watch your diet to make sure it doesn't get out of control. But once you realize the treatments and are careful to eat right and take your insulin, you can live a fairly normal life, even though you will always "have" diabetes.
I think people with cptsd can learn about what they have, learn the proper treatments, learn how to think more rationally and to feel more safe, and then this becomes a sort of daily regimen to make sure the sickness doesn't get out of hand. but if everyday you remember that you have this dysfunction and that there are a few things you need to do each day so that it doesn't get out of control, you can live a fairly normal life, having jobs and friendships and relationships like everyone else.
What do you guys think?

I've noticed that a lot of people, when they get sad or frustrated or have some kind of setback, they are down for a bit but then they can bounce back... they have an ability to say "oh well" and move on. Then they can re-engage with life and be happy again.
It seems like I never learned to do that. When I was a kid I would go down into a painful emotional state after feeling rejected by my parents... and I just wouldn't come out of it. I remember the frustration of recognizing that no one is listening to me and no one cares about me and no one cares about what I'm going through, and the sinking feeling in my heart.... Then I would become sad and angry and just never come out of that state. I've lived a lot of my life in that state. I'm trying to learn some emotional resilience so that I can go through difficult things and still be bale to bounce back and continue on with life instead of descending to the pit of * and remaining there.

There's one thing that all people with cPTSD or even PTSD have in common. That is the inability to release accumulated traumatic energy through cathartic grieving and angering.

Thanks Slackjaw, I've never heard it put quite like that but it makes sense. I have difficulty expressing emotions and a counselor did tell me that he thought that this was behind a lot of my anxiety. A couple of times in my life I've been in relationships where I felt more free to express what I was feeling and I think that helped greatly with the anxiety. The problem is most of my life I haven't been in such relationships and I don't know how to make such a relationship happen. With most people I don't feel safe or close enough to the person to really express what I'm feeling inside.

ps. I sent you a pm for more info about your experience

For me I feel like "things they didn't say" are more painful to think about / remember. All of the things that I longed to hear as a child but never did, all the things I waited to hear from my parents... waited and waited and waited, but I was only ignored and left to feel lonely, scared and isolated.
Things they never said: "How are you feeling today?" "How did your day go?" "is there anything you want to talk about?" "Is anything bothering you?" "Everything is going to be ok." "We'll always be here for you." "I care about how you're feeling." "Let's talk." "It's nice to see you." "I love spending time with you." "You're a great son."

"Are you crazy?" - My Dad's favorite line if anyone voiced any kind of disagreement with his ideas or did anything else he didn't like. The question "are you crazy" was rhetorical and had a clear meaning... it meant "you are crazy!" But the way he said it with the anger and condemnation in his voice the message that came through was "you are horrible," "you are not wanted," "you are unlovable," "nobody cares about you and they never will."

Welcome, James!

I, too, have struggled with chronic anxiety and have only recently discovered its relationship to CPTSD. Before discovering Out of the Storm (OOTS), I began researching and collecting articles on the subject of CPTSD. The one below was a good place to start for me. You may have already come across it yourself:

https://glynissherwood.com/5-steps-to-overcoming-chronic-anxiety/

The site has a host of other excellent articles as well. Good luck on your journey.

Thanks for the link Owl, I'll take all the help I can get.

This is my first time here, I stumbled upon Out of the Storm a couple weeks ago and have benefited from the content.
I've been struggling with anxiety issues for nearly 15 years now and only recently discovered the diagnosis CPTSD and I think it fits me well. I struggle intensely in relationships with people I have to work with or live with. People who are controlling send me into intense anger (which I never express but bury and try to make it go away,) and angry people send me into terrifying anxiety and fear. Somehow I've ended up in a life situation where I have to deal with both controlling and angry people and my life is very difficult right now. I feel like I am constantly on a roller coaster of difficult and scary emotions one day then calm the next day. I've been reading and researching like crazy to understand my problems better and hopefully this forum will be another step in the right direction!