I am coming to realize I have a ton of emotional flashbacks in the morning, especially as I am waking up. Learning to give myself permission to not feel that way, and instead to be in the moment and happy. I did not even know it was happening.... What a way to live! No wonder I felt so depressed! It is such a good thing to have the tools to work on this stuff.
Trigger warning: physical/emotional abuse. I am aware that I am sharing this, so making an effort to record the abuse and validate myself. Not entering a flashback. Just finding it cathartic to share.
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When I was a child, my mother used to spank me every day for something. I would wake up, start to play, and think, "What will I get spanked for today?"
It was not just a hand spank once or twice, or even a belt. She would send me to my room and make me wait, sometimes telling me to "get ready," which terrified me... she would go get a cutting board paddle, make me undress myself in front of her (I used to pad with several pair of underwear while waiting, until she discovered that), bend over my bed with no clothes from the waist down to the knees, and spank me hard at least 10-12 times. I would cry and scream and say, "I AM SORRY!" And she would not even miss a beat and yell "IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!"
I would hunch my shoulders from before the moment she would start spanking all the way to the end. To this day I have such a hard time not hunching my shoulders whenever I am stressed or frustrated or scared. It is a constant source of pain or tension in my neck/back.
Here's the kicker.. it was usually about dumb kid stuff like picking a neighbor's flower (so I could give it to her) or being caught in a lie (usually trying to get away from being punished).
I remember many times it was over memorizing Scripture, or my handwriting, or my stubbornness about doing school. We Home Schooled and I was very unhappy with her methods... finally ran away at 11. She finally put me in Public School at 12. Which came with a world of pain all its own.
I think it's safe to say that I was a good kid. My Mom was a good Mom until I reached that age where she began punishing me. I always mourned that loss, deeply.
They say we are our own worst critics... But my Mom is mine. It's her voice in my head, always telling me I am not good enough, mocking every little thing I do. Makes me want to under achieve all the time. Makes me want to give up. Makes me hate life. BUT I DO LOVE Life, especially now that I have the right to be happy in my own mind, the right to be unafraid and protect myself... and the conscious ability to want to enjoy the good things and be okay.
Trying to consciously push through this and heal has been about a 15 year process, slowly building up and trying different things. I just got worse in some ways... although I am still alive because of the things I DID try.
I am so thankful to have a solid awareness of C-PTSD and these tools starting to click in place. I am feeling more calm and happy for the first time in a loooooong time.
Any tips for addressing these memories? I might try EMDR.
Even now, I am re-reading and thinking.... That was NOT. MY. FAULT. I am safe. I would not allow that to happen to me now, I would allow myself to choose to die protecting myself, any day of the week.
I also find myself feeling ashamed, that so many others probably had it worse. I remind myself gently that it is because of this I lived afraid of everyone all my life. No one understood and I stood alone and wondering why I was so different. The occurrences were never far apart but day-to-day.
If I were able, I would go back in time and call CPS on my mother. It would have been totally appropriate. Wrong is wrong.
Trigger warning: physical/emotional abuse. I am aware that I am sharing this, so making an effort to record the abuse and validate myself. Not entering a flashback. Just finding it cathartic to share.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
When I was a child, my mother used to spank me every day for something. I would wake up, start to play, and think, "What will I get spanked for today?"
It was not just a hand spank once or twice, or even a belt. She would send me to my room and make me wait, sometimes telling me to "get ready," which terrified me... she would go get a cutting board paddle, make me undress myself in front of her (I used to pad with several pair of underwear while waiting, until she discovered that), bend over my bed with no clothes from the waist down to the knees, and spank me hard at least 10-12 times. I would cry and scream and say, "I AM SORRY!" And she would not even miss a beat and yell "IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!"
I would hunch my shoulders from before the moment she would start spanking all the way to the end. To this day I have such a hard time not hunching my shoulders whenever I am stressed or frustrated or scared. It is a constant source of pain or tension in my neck/back.
Here's the kicker.. it was usually about dumb kid stuff like picking a neighbor's flower (so I could give it to her) or being caught in a lie (usually trying to get away from being punished).
I remember many times it was over memorizing Scripture, or my handwriting, or my stubbornness about doing school. We Home Schooled and I was very unhappy with her methods... finally ran away at 11. She finally put me in Public School at 12. Which came with a world of pain all its own.
I think it's safe to say that I was a good kid. My Mom was a good Mom until I reached that age where she began punishing me. I always mourned that loss, deeply.
They say we are our own worst critics... But my Mom is mine. It's her voice in my head, always telling me I am not good enough, mocking every little thing I do. Makes me want to under achieve all the time. Makes me want to give up. Makes me hate life. BUT I DO LOVE Life, especially now that I have the right to be happy in my own mind, the right to be unafraid and protect myself... and the conscious ability to want to enjoy the good things and be okay.
Trying to consciously push through this and heal has been about a 15 year process, slowly building up and trying different things. I just got worse in some ways... although I am still alive because of the things I DID try.
I am so thankful to have a solid awareness of C-PTSD and these tools starting to click in place. I am feeling more calm and happy for the first time in a loooooong time.
Any tips for addressing these memories? I might try EMDR.
Even now, I am re-reading and thinking.... That was NOT. MY. FAULT. I am safe. I would not allow that to happen to me now, I would allow myself to choose to die protecting myself, any day of the week.
I also find myself feeling ashamed, that so many others probably had it worse. I remind myself gently that it is because of this I lived afraid of everyone all my life. No one understood and I stood alone and wondering why I was so different. The occurrences were never far apart but day-to-day.
If I were able, I would go back in time and call CPS on my mother. It would have been totally appropriate. Wrong is wrong.
I need it!