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Messages - Rivka

#1
I came across this poem by Gregory Orr and wanted to share it here:

Trauma (Storm)

BY GREGORY ORR

Hunkered down, nerve-numb,
in the carnal hut,
the cave of self,
while outside a storm
rages.
          Huddled there,
rubbing together
white sticks of
your own ribs,
praying for sparks
in that dark
where tinder is heart,
where tender is not.
#2
ah:   Thank you for your reply.  You know, I always wondered why I couldn't grieve my mother's death, even feeling guilty  for not being able to grieve. What you say makes perfect sense.

Deep Blue, thanks!

And Blueberry, thanks for the welcome. I've been in the partial hospitalization program  for a little over three months. On the one hand, it has helped a lot. My mood is pretty good and I have become much more active. Social anxiety is still through the roof, though. 
I want to  start therapy with a therapist who is versed in trauma. I am looking into that, and after the partial hospitalization program has ended I can hopefully begin with that.
#3
Hello all,

I first want to apologize for my disappearing act.  I got some great, insightful replies on my original message here. In my mind I waited too long to reply. I don't know what exactly happens in my mind then, but I guess I got  afraid  that people would get angry with me. And then I start to avoid.   

I felt a bit bad about this all, so I finally decided to come out of my avoidance and get back to the forum. 
#4
Hey Ruby, thanks! : )   Yes, looks like a great community. And I will try to post updates about the partial hospitalization program.

Thanks Mark! Good to hear that you're clean. I have been reading a lot about CPTSD and will continue doing that. Am also going to order the Pete Walker book 'From surviving to thriving'. Good luck to you too!
#5
Thanks, California Dreaming. : )  Yes, I am quite relieved that I found out about cptsd. Now that I know what's wrong I can begin working with it.  Congratulations to you too on your 2 plus years of sober time. All the best!
#6
Hey all.  I am Rivka. 42 years old. From the Netherlands. I learned about CPTSD a couple of weeks ago. Have been reading about it since then. And wow, did something click.

My diagnosis is Major depression, Psychotic disorder NOS and Social anxiety/Avoidant personality disorder. I have also struggled with a heroin addiction, but am glad to say that I have been clean for a little over three years. I have had lots of therapy, but somehow it never really touched my problems. The depression and psychosis are somewhat under control because of medication.  Social anxiety is still through the roof. I feel so very anxious when I am among people. Threatened, afraid, hyper aware. I 'freeze' and in a lot of cases begin to tremble. This has made me avoid them and retreat and isolate for large chunks of my life. Exposure therapy never seemed to help. I have always wondered why I feel and behave that way and didn't really have an answer for  it. Until I discovered CPTSD. Now it seems to me that it is an emotional flashback. To my youth. 

My mother and father had a very unhealthy relationship. My father mentally abused my mother. There were lots of fights. Always tension in the house. He would degrade her and belittle her, especially if she showed emotions. My mother escaped into alcoholism and and tried to commit suicide a couple of times. Then, when I was 14, she was diagnosed with cancer and she died a couple of months later. But, looking back, I was already pretty dissociated by then. I remember that when she died, it didn't really register. I just continued living like nothing had happened, without really mourning her.

I started a partial hospitalization program today. I am going to tell them there that I suspect that I have CPTSD, and I'll take it from there. It sounds a bit strange, but I am kinda excited that I found out about it. Like the pieces of a puzzle finally coming together.

Thanks for reading.