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Messages - Rain

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Family of Origin (FOO) / Re: Mother
« on: March 05, 2015, 05:46:20 PM »
Like Kizzie says, toss that email message into the garbage, Annegirl.

Your mother wants to play the "Let's Pretend" game.

Let's pretend she did not severely abuse you.   

Let's pretend she does not abuse you to this very day.   

Let's pretend that email is not part of the abuse by denying reality.

Hi fairyslipper!

First, how very awesome and impressive on your survival, not only physically but emotionally as well!!    I will wish you Happy Recovery Day ahead of time.

Cat has said it so well, it is the deer in the headlights, old Western with the bad guy entering the saloon response.    It is people's fear, and they do not have a part of their brain developed for response.   It is not you.   And, the topic you brought up is an amazing topic is part of your life, cancer does not define who you are but what you were able to navigate through ...and that does define you.

They cannot cope.   When all they need to say is "Wow! And, what does that mean for you personally?" and so on.

I hope you can let go of the "shame" as there is no shame in it for you, fairyslipper.

The best advice I got from a therapist was his quote, "you know, it is very possible that the whole world is mentally ill."    Everyone on the planet has issues, fairyslipper.    People cope with checking out ...the "crickets"    If they just do not acknowledge the elephant in the living room with the sign around it's neck that says "you will die one day" then they can go on with their lives ...for awhile.

And, death is the gift which gives meaning to every breathe, every moment of our life.   Are we living this moment fully?    There will be a last breath one day.   Did we dance?  Did we truly live?

Again, way to go, fairyslipper, on surviving, and most of all, learning to truly "dance" in this life.

Maybe instead share the gift you received from surviving initially with new potential friends.   Share that you love the simple gifts of life, etc.   Eventually, if they are friends they will ask how you know, and then share the source of your learning this gift you have.

Cancer survival has its gifts.   The same with the trauma, the sorrows shared at OOTS.   Out of sorrow comes a deeper capacity for joy if the person can grasp it.

General Discussion / Re: Otherwise Specified Dissociative Disorder
« on: March 03, 2015, 03:14:30 AM »
I googled it ...

Here is a book description, Ana.

Another description referred to trance-like.    Are you somanbulistic by chance?   Sleep walker, talk in sleep?   People with it have high intelligence.    Can drop into delta level nearly instantly.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Self-referencing
« on: March 02, 2015, 01:31:28 PM »
This is brilliant, Cat!

Thank you so very much!!!!   I needed this.


Introductory Post / Re: I'm new :) (Trigger Warning)
« on: February 23, 2015, 02:49:35 AM »
Welcome punkinmom, and a  :bighug: for you.    I'm glad you found your way here, and that you shared your story.   And, what a story.

I am sorry you lost your beautiful Bailey, and in such a horrible way.  Your angel deserved to live.   She touched me simply in your words, punkinmom.     So precious.

Your childhood alone could leave you with CPTSD, with layered trauma from the physical and emotional abuse.    Of course what followed was breathtaking trauma.

Life has that uncanny way of moving on in the "outside world," but yet here you are and the trauma of it all is swirling around you.     You've come to the right forum, if simply for us to fully hear you which is healing in itself.

There are answers in the forum posts, punkinmom.   But mostly, healing with posts you can share ...even your average days these days ...with others here.   I would add that perhaps it might be helpful doing EMDR with a therapist that is savvy in working with CPTSD which can help move so much of the distress out of the "hot" active parts of your brain, to the proper part of your brain so you are no longer on seeming high alert.

And, you need to be able to sleep, to actually sleep so your body and brain can work through all this so you can heal.   A sleep specialist maybe.   Or, a healing-oriented resort on the opposite side of the country with one or two of your close, safe friends.

It's all been so much, punkinmom.    You have found friends for your Journey here at the forum.   Do stay, post, give, receive, share.

Have hope.

Grace and healing in your Journey.

Rain     :hug:

Introductory Post / Re: Hi
« on: February 21, 2015, 12:53:31 PM »
Welcome and nice to meet you, JulieS911.   I am glad you found OOTS, and there are common souls, and healing to be found here.   You are not alone.

Grace and healing in your Journey,

Rain   :hug:

Introductory Post / Re: New guy
« on: February 21, 2015, 12:51:52 PM »
Welcome Stillwaters!

Grace and healing in your Journey,

Rain    :hug:

Introductory Post / Re: Hello
« on: February 21, 2015, 12:51:00 PM »
Welcome to OOTS, pippapop!

I hope you can find healing, and this forum is a great place for that.

Grace and healing on your Journey,

Rain    :hug:

Welcome CVictor!   You have found a wonderful forum to sort things out here at OOTS.

Grace and healing in your Journey.

Rain   :hug:

Ohhhh, Cat.   I am so sad to read these details of your mother's "relationship" with you.   She does not see You.    You are "like someone else"....

And, to refer to you as difficult, even as you listen and empathize with her??!   Oh, my blood boils.

Her first priority is to be "victim," and to be "right" (with you "wrong").   There is a long, long list of what is abusive that she does to you.   I am so sorry.   You are more like a marble rolled around on a table for her needs than you being her Daughter.

General Discussion / Re: Having a rough day--POSSIBLE TRIGGER***
« on: February 10, 2015, 09:06:04 AM »
Anamiame!   The very best part of this thread is you and your inner kid enjoying cookie dough!!   HUGE smile here.    You are going to be just fine.   Lots of bumps in the road ahead, but you and your sweet "little girl" can do this.   

And, it can truly be fun.    That is the greatest paradox of all.   Inner kid work can be fun.   Learning to love ones Self.   Cookie dough, balloons, bounce the ball, and drum.   Twirl and dance just because.   Skip.  Why not?

Anamiame, is your tagline about "first star to the right" from the Little Prince?   One of my all time fav books.

And Cat, I LOVED your post.   I'm always learning.    The tough stuff from inside is all a gift, even when it is from the "ditch."   Acceptance.


General Discussion / Re: Having a rough day--POSSIBLE TRIGGER***
« on: February 10, 2015, 01:03:55 AM »
I am so impressed you reached out to your little girl today, Anamiame.   So impressed.    You know it takes time.   Your inner kid will reach back to you ...just give her time.   And, I know it hurts in the meantime.   

You are not alone in this.   You have OOTS and a caring therapist, and it was tough to do inner child work alone in '87.  It is going to be okay.

Life is filled with so many paradoxes.

One of them is to let go of the need to be "fixed" (which infers you are not "good enough").

And instead, accept yourself totally, wonderfully as you are.   Radical acceptance.   (Yes, think Dr. Marsha Linehan).

Accept yourself, and love your Self you are.    Small steps in that, love your choice of a song, a drink, a color.   Love that you can see beauty in a cloud.   Add more and more.   Love your Self.

All this, while knowing you want positive change for your Self.

Nothing to "fix" in Anamiame.   Everything to accept and love about you.


...then, change.

Introductory Post / Re: Hi! I'm Anamiame
« on: February 09, 2015, 01:37:13 AM »
You have a lot of company in that, Anamiame.   OOTS is a special place.     :yes:


Introductory Post / Re: Hi! I'm Anamiame
« on: February 08, 2015, 05:11:54 AM »
:hug: for your inner kid, Anamiame.   Your inner kid.

I know you want to vomit, and it's your inner sweet kid that is feeling that way ...she feels scared, sick, ugly, tortured, tired, and self-rejecting.   

You remember that kids think they are the center of the universe at the very age your mother abused your sweet, innocent little kid.   At that age, kids think they cause ALL things to happen to them including being abused by a hideous mother.   No true logic in a tiny, innocent infant.

Soooo, your kid thought she caused her mommy to hurt her so bad, that she was unlovable ...and, you carry those very false beliefs to this day, including the "ugly, tormented" thoughts about your dear little girl inside you.    And, she is scared ...and scared of adult you as you do not see her.    She is sweet.    It was your mother that was ugly in what she did, not your inner kid.

I know what you mean on "intelligence being your so-called safety."   It seems survivors of child abuse do develop considerable high intelligence to survive, and the emotional self, our inner child, stays shivering in a corner for many years while waiting for our adults selves to come pick our inner child up, and love them.

The high IQ gets us through adult life, but smarts does not "love an inner child"

And, it seems "safety" for you is chasing people away.    Yes.   The double bind.   And, you are not alone in that.

Intelligence can be used as a defense.   Healing does not occur with the smarts; it occurs with the heart.

When you were first born, with your first cry in this world, your brain was ready to grow, ready to connect ...a sweet child was born that day.   You.   Nothing vomit worthy of that sweet baby.  Nothing.

Your little girl did nothing wrong.  She did nothing to deserve what was ahead.   She thought what happened was her fault ...that is how tiny kids think.

The only two fragments to focus on, Anamiame, is the adult you opening your arms and heart to the sweet, scared, innocent girl that has been waiting for you to find her.   To care about her, and to finally place the blame on your mother, and not your inner kid.

I think your therapist has earned your trust.  12 years.  I wouldn't worry about studying fragments ...just share what you are Feeling.

I hear ...scared, overwhelmed, and some hope.   Feelings is the focus.    It will be okay.


Introductory Post / Re: Hi! I'm Anamiame
« on: February 08, 2015, 02:25:04 AM »
Hi again, Anamiame.   I have been thinking about your introduction.

Two main things keep coming to mind.    You outsmart the therapists, prove you are stronger ...claim that you win ...then the relationship ends.   Later in the intro is your hurt that no one wants to help you.

So, you work hard to push away those who might be able to help you ...a "win"

You hurt because of no help ...a "loss"

You do not want to need others.   The vulnerability.     Your inner kid went through one of the very worst rejections I have ever heard of by a mother.   I can only imagine your inner kid never wants to risk that hurt again.   So, you push away and at the same time, that sweet inner kid in you sure does need a hug, and so much love.   Some help for her.

Only a guess here, but what you see as your "tormented, damaged, ugly part" of your soul is most likely your sweet, little inner kid that you loath as your mother rejected her so horribly.

Forgive me for my speculations, Anamiame.

But for all your torment, does it not really come down to the core that you have a sweet, innocent, little inner kid in you that needs the love and acceptance she always, always, always deserved from your very first breath of life, and before?

Is it that your fear is if you let a caring therapist in your heart, one that has been there for 12 years, that your little inner kid would be rejected again?

Your high intelligence does not solve this.    Love does.


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