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Messages - Kubali

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Research / Re: The grief that dare not speak its name
« on: July 02, 2015, 02:33:05 PM »
I've just read this. It's overwhelmingly true.

All those "little deaths" to grieve. I have always believed that my chronic depression was 'frozen grief' I deliberately came off anti-depressants to see what lay beneath. It was *. Now I know it's CPTSD. I've also been diagnosed with chronic PTSD.


General Discussion / Re: Abandonment issues triggered
« on: July 02, 2015, 09:44:08 AM »

Thank you for your lovely reply. I was touched by it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you suffer Flashbacks to your time in the orphanage. They are certainly gruelling aren't they? Like you my IC always despairs when someone I love leaves. My youngest daughter chose to stay with her father when I relocated 5 years after my divorce. To say that I was heartbroken is an understatement!! I desperately wanted her to come with me. I knew she would be safer. But she was old enough to choose for herself. I found out that her father had told her that if she moved she would be 'dead' to him. I think she chose to stay because she was afraid. She also knew that I would never force her and that I would love her whatever she did. The same could not be said of her father.

The pain was unbearable. I don't really remember much now about that time. My eldest daughter came to live with me and her dad was hateful towards her. She went through a terrible time as he turned his whole family against her. She was 14.

Now she is 21. I think I'm probably being triggered back to those earlier times when my ex poisoned the children against me. I have lots of old wounds to grieve.

I do hope you find some comfort here on this site. Sending you a hug!!

Successes, Progress? / Re: Thank Goodness for the Internet!!
« on: July 02, 2015, 09:21:53 AM »
To Southbound and Trees. ( possible Triggers )

Thank you for replying. It helps as you say to reduce the feelings of isolation and lonliness.

I have just emerged from a huge Flashback which prevented me from replying as I wanted to. I think that I did not express myself fully in my original post. What I meant was I am so grateful for the knowledge I obtained through the Internet because it basically kept me alive.

Like both of you I groped blindly through my childhood (and first marriage) conscious that something was terribly wrong. I didn't know what it was until I started researching Personality Disorders. I was actually looking at myself!!! I believed it was me who was sick ( and twisted) then I came across NArcissistic Personality Disorder and in one horrible shocking moment everything fell into place. I was 46.

I found so much information that helped me. I was obsessed in getting the Truth. If I hadn't found this out I wouldn't have been able to go NC with my entire FOO. If I hadn't discovered reality I know that I would have ended my life. I know this because I already made one serious attempt following my divorce. My ex husband stalked and harassed me for 5 years. I lost everything. My home my children my job my friends my health. I took a huge overdose. I was unexpectedly discovered and hauled off to the hospital. The nurse there said "You meant it didn't you?" She was right.

My ex was furious that I lived. He screamed at me that I should do it again. I received death threats from him many times.

So you see I know what the Abyss is too. I know that it sucks you down an destroys everything in its path.

But here I am. Aged 52. I'm alive and although I struggle to get through I will not give in. i know what's real now. I don't like it but at least I can't be fooled any longer. My life has improved enormously since that day 11 years ago.

So I am grateful for the Internet. It literally saved my life.

General Discussion / Re: Rudderless adult
« on: July 02, 2015, 08:57:29 AM »
Thank you guys for your input. It's so valuable having an alternative viewpoint. I have sometimes linked these feelings of emptiness to grief. I'm beginning to recognise that my IC has lots of things to 'say'. I think she slows me right down in that I get enormously fatigued. It's as if she thinks "You're not listening" then the empty feelings come. I guess it's her way of getting my attention so that she can 'speak'

The last time it was unbearable. I had a painful grief-stricken month. Eventually a small voice said"I feel rejected"

It's so sad isn't it? I'm trying now to listen to my feelings more. At least on a deeper level. One positive thing about CPTSD is that it does give us a lot of insight.

General Discussion / Rudderless adult
« on: June 25, 2015, 07:11:01 PM »
Hi there

I read in Pete Walker's book that children who's will and sense of self were cruelly crushed can become rudderless and aimless as adults.

I think this applies to me as I don't seem to have any motivation any more. For decades I was motivated to escape the abuse. Now that I have gained my freedom I don't seem to know what to do with it. I have CPTSD. I am a housewife. All my children are grown and left home.

There seems to be a frightening absense of meaning and purpose to my life. Just an immense amount of empty space stretching out in front of me. I am unable to work because I'm too ill and I have isolated myself over the years. I'm NC with my entire FOO

Feeling bleak

General Discussion / Re: So What is CPTSD?
« on: June 22, 2015, 02:26:20 PM »
I agree Wg.

I'm a huge fan of accuracy. Words have to be an exact mirror of the Truth.

We are not Disordered. We are wounded or injured.

We didn't start life like this. It happened to us. The terminology should reflect this truth.

To Woodsgnome

I read your post and have had a think. Lots of it resonated with me as I have many times felt the self same confusion and pain. It's a frightening place to be isn't it? Feelings of aloneness for me are vastly different from crushing loneliness. Like you I've done lots of research on anything and everything relating to suffering. Sometimes things 'go in' sometimes I reject them and keep searching.

I had a breakthrough that helped me. I don't know if it would help you at all, but maybe it will start another train of thought. Something I realised was that ' searching for answers' became an end in itself. I could operate on an intellectual and conceptual level and invariably avoid the pain of ' feeling' the pain. Especially the pain of loneliness. I asked myself what or who was I lonely for. The answer came back ... Recognition... From who?? The answer was simple. From Me.

I was lonely for me. For my authentic self. Like I was 2 persons. One operated front of house, so to speak. This was the Mask. Like you I invested energy into being witty erudite charming etc. The 2nd person operated at a deeply unconscious level. Her presence was sometimes felt but mostly ignored. Had to be ignored. Too much clamouring too much pain. I rejected her. Just like my FOO had. Utterly and completely. This part was my REAL self. The authentic self that I was born with. Innocent. But this Self had been betrayed. By all of us. No one wanted her at all.

My lonliness sprang from 2 sources. The original betrayal of my FOO was so immense and so life-threatening that I had to believe that it was ME who caused it. I had to believe this so I could function by trying to be better. To please. It gave me the impetus to survive. I had a certain amount of control over the situation this way. I could always try another way. Do something different. Then they would love me. Makes sense doesn't it? Especially to a child. The belief that things were out of control and I was powerless never entered my head. That means Death. Yes?

So this unconscious part of me IS smart. She knew about everything. But she was banished to face grief and death alone. And she was and still is LONELY. She is lonely for ME. Other people are fleeting substitutes. Their words however kind will not 'go in' because I need recognition from me first. Nothing else will do.

I don't want to feel the 'fear of death'. I have been there before. But I had to. And I survived. The feelings did not kill me. The betrayal of my FOO hurts. But it hasn't killed me. The betrayal of Me to Myself hurts. But it hasn't killed me. Scary scary scary. But reptilian brain is slowly painfully accepting this new Truth. Feelings are not life-threatening.

I am lonely still. But at least I know now Who I am lonely for. I'm lonely for recognition from me. I need the Truth. Truth is I was innocent. I was betrayed. I am the good person I am 'masking' It all comes from me. It's all me.

That's part of my healing journey. Maybe it will help stir something in your unconscious. Like the meditation you read. "Something is moving"  maybe it's time. I read somewhere that you only receive as much as you accept. That helped me loads too. I had to accept the Truth. My innocence. Perhaps the voice of your Innocence is lonely for recognition from you??

The Truth comes from a place of peace

The Truth comes from a place of Peace.

General Discussion / Re: Crying / Release
« on: June 18, 2015, 08:47:28 AM »

I struggled with this too. I didn't actually make a breakthrough until I was in my late forties.

I remember watching " concert for George" (celebrating life of George Harrison) and seeing the body language up on the stage during the final song. Something inside me broke and the tears came in floods. I sobbed and sobbed. Actually I couldn't stop.

I put the dvd on the next day and sure thing it happened again. I did this for 4 days in a row.

I think I identified with the ' loss' even though my parents are still living I have been NC for 7 years.  I still feel it's a loss. I lost my whole family. So in a roundabout way I was eventually grieving for myself even though I started out grieving for George's son.

Maybe a weepy film or something can help kick start the process for you too? Just a thought.


General Discussion / Re: Do you laugh out loud often?
« on: June 18, 2015, 08:30:44 AM »

What you said about me protecting myself was really insightful! I think you must be right. Everything felt so raw inside. I remember feeling incredulous that people around me were laughing when I had this gaping wound inside. How could they be so inconsiderate? I think that just made me isolate more and avoid 'happy' people because it made me feel even more of an alien.

Thank you for that. It helped.


General Discussion / Re: Do you laugh out loud often?
« on: June 17, 2015, 11:19:34 AM »
It's understandable I guess that the sense of humour is invariably one of the first casualties of CPTSD

I used to avoid all comedies on TV and the movies. I'm wondering (years later) if this is a form of self-sabotage?

Now I spend Friday evenings watching different stand-up comedians on TVs. I believe now that laughing is as healing as crying. But it sure took a long time to reach that conclusion.


General Discussion / Re: Help! how to cope with multiple disorders.
« on: June 17, 2015, 11:12:12 AM »
Hello delema

I understand completely how scary it is to open up. So here's a hug to say well done for starting the ball rolling!!

There's lots of threads on here about fear and anger. You have come to the right place for support and answers.

Different people have got different approaches and tactics. All are valid. I guess it's just trial and error for all of us. See what helps. Sometimes just reading helps. Especially with feelings of isolation and loneliness. I know it has helped me.

You are not alone!!!


General Discussion / Re: What do you want???
« on: June 17, 2015, 10:38:34 AM »
To fredrickagoshlox

I'm always sorry to hear about the cruelty of parents. Your story is similar to mine. I know how painful it is. I've been NC with my entire FOO for 7 years. It still hurts to think about them.

In the end, just like Woodsgnome said, peace seems like a blessed relief from all the drama. No more cruelty no more lies no more ludicrous smear campaigns. I try to avoid all aggressive people. They are so draining and toxic.

To me Peace represents both absence of conflict and acceptance of what's real. Can't say that it's easy to maintain but those moments however fleeting are truly worthwhile.

I hope that you find peace on your journey


General Discussion / Re: How to renew strength
« on: June 17, 2015, 10:27:21 AM »
To Woodsgnome

I heartily concur with everything you have said.

It seems like a never-ending roller coaster of a journey. When it's very dark just breathing can be an effort . The rare times when the sun shines are so precious. Like you said, blessed peace.


General Discussion / Re: What do you want???
« on: June 15, 2015, 04:16:55 PM »
To Woodsgnome

Thank you for your lovely reply.

I'm in flashback at the moment and cannot reply as I would like. When I am better I would like to talk with you about Peace and what it means to you. I have an idea I will learn something new from you. I do hope this is ok with you?



Successes, Progress? / Thank Goodness for the Internet!!
« on: June 12, 2015, 02:36:58 PM »
Hi everyone!

I sometimes feel that I want to get down on my knees and thank the Universe and all the 'good guys' for the Internet.

I look back over my healing journey and imagine for a split second what it would be like if I didn't know what I know now. I imagine the bleak despair loneliness and confusion sucking me down into the Abyss.

I am SO grateful for sites just like this one. I am indebted to the wisdom of others. For their tenacity for their empathy and for their compassion.

So here is a Huge appreciative hug for everyone who has come together to share their experiences.

Thank you!!


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