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Messages - LilyITV

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Depression / Re: Depression explained
« on: July 24, 2019, 02:15:09 PM »
Knowing about depression has actually helped me cope with this year's bout of it.

I recognise it as it arrives which makes it less frightening somehow.

Same with cptsd, knowing my weird symptoms are cptsd has helped me be less anxious about them.

I read somewhere (a proper psychiatric published paper) that major depressive disorder is comorbid with PTSD in 50% of people with PTSD.

The rate for cptsd comorbidity with MDD might be much higher than that I'd guess.

Keep looking into it Lily, you need to know what is happening before you can begin to tackle it, or at least that is my experience.

Yes turned out I had major depression and I've had it for years.  I've been living with this nearly all my life and somehow it all flew under the radar.  All those years...

Depression / Re: Dysthymia/Atypical Depression/Walking Depression
« on: July 24, 2019, 02:11:08 PM »
Rainagain, I was prescribed Zoloft and I've been taking it for about 2 weeks.  I seem to be responding well to it.  The first positive effect--which happened within hours of my first dose--my energy returned. 

I can't even put into words how much being on this drug has changed me already and I'm still in the early stages of recovery.  I realize that I have been depressed basically my whole life.  I thought feeling this way was normal and now I realize I haven't even been living for the past 35 years. 

I was trying so hard to overcome my C-PTSD for the past year, but I realize I never would have had a shot without medication.   I am rereading your post about how C-PTSD, depression and how they all might be intertwined in one and understanding it in a different way.    My early life experiences changed my brain chemistry in a measurable way. 

I know I'm not making complete sense.  Still trying to wrap my head around it all. 

Medication / Just started an antidepressant for the first time
« on: July 16, 2019, 04:02:42 PM »
I am on Day 6 of Zoloft.   I am to increase to 50mg on Thursday, but I am already starting to feel the positive effects.  My energy came back immediately.  Yesterday, I felt increased motivation.  Today, I am starting to feel good. 

Side effects have been quite tolerable--mild nausea, dizziness.  I haven't had headaches, but I feel like my brain is swelling.  I don't know what causes that sensation, but I like to think it is new brain cells being produced.

Now I realize, after 44 years, that I haven't really been living at all.  All this time, I've been depressed.  Life never had to be as hard as it has been.  I feel with the help of these drugs, I can kick this C-PTSD thing. 

Depression / Re: Depression explained
« on: July 10, 2019, 02:22:03 PM »
These videos were really informative for me.  It's pretty clear that I've been suffering from depression for a long, long time.  This is all I know.  Will I even know what "normal" feels like?

Thanks so much everyone.  I've been reading up on depression and starting to feel a bit more hopeful that medication might help me.  It's amazing to me that with as much as you hear about depression, I never once connected the dots and realized I was suffering from it. 

 I also had a good therapy session yesterday that focused on finding little things to help me get out of the rut I'm in.  Then I got good news that MIL's heart surgery was a huge success and is making impressive gains in recovery.  And this is small, but I felt like celebrating--when I went to get my allergy shot, I found out I am finally at the point where I can come in once every two weeks instead of twice a week.

My appointment with the psychiatrist is tomorrow morning.   I am now kicking myself for getting an early morning appointment because now I am worried I won't be able to get up and get ready on time.  I am going to muster up all the willpower I can to make this happen. 

Depression / Re: Dysthymia/Atypical Depression/Walking Depression
« on: July 09, 2019, 03:14:33 PM »
It looks like in my case, the depression has taken over.  My therapist has referred me to a psychiatrist to see if I need medication for depression.  She thinks that meds may give me the boost I need to continue working on my issues. 

I have been going to therapy a little over a year.  I've been making good progress in many areas.  However, I've had problems with asserting myself, particularly when it comes to issues in my blended family.  My 17 year old stepdaughter came to live with us full time 1.5 years ago.  I feel badly for her  since she's been here I've been her punching bag for all her negativity and my husband, like any parent would, always backs her.  Instead of speaking my truth, I tend to just grin and bear it just to keep peace, and it's taken a toll on me mentally.

The worst is that six weeks ago my 19 year old stepdaughter was killed in a random mass shooting while away at college right before she was to come home for the summer.  I really loved this girl and of course my husband is crushed.   Life will never be the same for us.  When she would come home, everything was right in my house and we all got along.  It sounds pathetic, but now I feel like I'm going to be at the mercy of my 17 year old stepdaughter.  She's gone to visit her sister for six weeks, and my therapist has encouraged me to talk openly and honestly about my feelings now while she's gone and there's no distractions, but I just don't have it in me.  Talking about this was difficult before, but now the degree of difficulty has ratcheting up times 1000.  I don't feel like I can bring up issues like this while my husband is in the throes of grief--and me too to some extent.  I told my therapist that I'd rather just enjoy this time right now with my husband even though I feel like disaster is right around the corner.   

My last session with my therapist, she told me that she thought I might be suffering with depression and might need some medicine to give me a little boost.  She noted that I had pretty much stopped doing all the self care type things I had been doing before and that I had been giving in to a negative way of thinking of the world.  She asked me how I felt at work that day and I said "neutral", which apparently was not a good answer.  :(  She asked me how I felt about taking medicine, and I said "indifferent," which pretty much confirmed her suspicion.  So I have an appointment set up for Thursday. 

I had already known that I fit the profile for dysthymia and already suspected that I had suffered from bouts of major depression from time  to time.  It does take a lot of will power for me to get going in the mornings and to do mundane tasks, but I do function and manage to meet my responsibilities.   But to hear it coming from someone else, I guess really brought the reality home.  I hope it works but at the same time, what if it doesn't work and I'm stuck like this forever?  At least before I didn't even realize there was something wrong.

Oh yeah, and my 79 year old MIL also had to be hospitalized for heart troubles and is having triple bypass surgery today.  My own mom is dead and so she is the only grandmother my two young children know.  When it rains it pours...It is really hard for me to understand why I'm not supposed to have a negative outlook on life when bad things keep happening out of the blue.  :(

Letters of Recovery / Re: Letter to my Mother
« on: May 03, 2019, 07:51:51 PM »
Thank you so much ThreeRoses for the kind words to my younger self.  One of the hardest parts about it is that I have difficulty explaining to anyone how I felt as a young child experiencing that.  It feels so good to know someone gets it.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Spartanlifecoach
« on: May 02, 2019, 05:09:16 PM »
Oscen, I could totally see Eckhart Tolle having C-PTSD.  I wonder if he's gotten therapy.  He seems to have mastered living in the moment, but at the same time it seems there is something missing. 

I think the biggest mistake people make is thinking that someone has to be the "same" as them to be able to help them.

I'm also a freeze type, But I love that spartanlifecoach is a fight type because narcissistic or not, fight types get in and get * done and that's the mentality I have to force myself to adopt more of if I want to recover.

Fight is the reason spartanlifecoach has recovered enough to make videos.

Freeze is the reason I'm the one sitting alone in my room watching the videos.

It's a sad reality, but I think the point of recovery is to adopt all elements of coping mechanisms. i wish I could turn some of my anger outward (into fitness or business) instead of inward to self loathing and isolation.

I never thought of it this way, but it does make sense that everyone needs all of the coping mechanisms.  I also am predominantly a freeze type and I struggle the most with fight.  I can fight when it comes to others, but for myself, up to now I haven't felt like I matter much. 

I do enjoy spartanlifecoach.  I am drawn to and sometimes terrified by him at the same time.  My father was a fight type so often I am wary of angry men. 

Letters of Recovery / Letter to my Mother
« on: May 02, 2019, 03:39:59 PM »
This is the 10th anniversary of your death.   When I was young, you were my world, my everything.  For ten years, it was just you me and Dad.  Dad was overseas for the first two years of my life, and when he came back, I was terrified of him.  He was a harsh disciplinarian, critical and afraid to show me affection.  But I still had you. 

I remember when you were hospitalized for some sort of serious mental illness.  For whatever reason, you and Dad never felt the need to tell me what the heck was going on.  Did you all think I wasn't scared to death and worried?  I had no idea what was going on.  Why did you talk to me about it?  Why did you leave me to figure this all out by myself?  I am still wondering to this day what was happening.  Anyway, I remember you being in the hospital but what I remember most is when Dad took me to visit you.  I remember the doll you gave me, a simple ratty thing, but I loved it because you made it for me.   I knew you were ashamed for being ill, and I loved you anyway. 

We lived in California and my friends meant a lot to me.  You and Dad didn't have much time for me.  And then one day you and Dad told me we were moving to AL and my world was shattered.  You didn't notice how sad I was.  I cried for the whole 2 day car trip from CA to AL.    My teacher even noticed how sad I was, took me to the side, and hugged me.  You did nothing and you were my mom.  I needed you! 

Then you got pregnant with the son Dad desperately wanted.  You let Dad spend hours trying to play baseball with me,  trying to get me to throw a ball like a boy.  I had no interest in baseball whatsoever, and was never going to be able to throw that ball.  You saw this and you let him do this.

Then after my brother was born.  I was so happy to have a brother.  I wanted to be helpful to you.  I understood you didn't have time for me.  But then one day I guess you were stressed out caring for my baby brother.  When I went outside you couldn't find me and you freaked out.  You slapped me hard on the face.  I was in shock.  I put my hand up to my cheek, speechless for a moment.  I ran to my room.  You came and apologized, but what you don't know is that from that moment, I felt  you didn't love me.  I felt discarded and in your way.  I knew Dad wanted a boy and I was never going to be what he wanted.  I thought you loved me as I was, even though I was incredibly "awkward" looking as a child.  But in that moment after you slapped me in anger, I felt that you didn't love me and that there was something wrong with me.   

After you slapped me, I felt so unlovable, so I decided I needed to stay out of the way.  I went to my room, closed the door and stayed there after school.  When I first went there, I half hoped that you would come after me, find out what was wrong.  But no, you never did.  After a few weeks of my self-banishment in my room, I resigned myself to fact that no, you never did love me.

This went on for two to three years.  You still never showed me any attention.  I was fed and clothed, but you never said a word to me.  Never asked me how my day was.  Never asked me what was wrong.  I went from a girl playiing around you and wanting so much to be helpful to you, to someone who was in my room 24/7, and you didn't notice and didn't seem to care.  I would learn later that you felt like you let me down when I was younger, and was obsessed with making sure my brother's life was perfect.  I think you were trying to explain, but it just made me feel more crappy.  So you messed up with me and so you are going to discard me and start over????  You weren't perfect, but I still loved you.  How could you just leave me like that?

My brother grew older and you became less stressed.  I was now in adolescence.  Had started my period, and I didn't even tell you.  You found out when you found some underwear I had washed out.  I had no idea what was happening to me because you didn't think to explain any of this to me.  I had to figure it out on my own. 

So now you have time and then you ask me, "Kiki, why don't you talk to me?"  I said, "I don't know," but what I was really thinking was, we haven't talked for the last three years, and now, you're just noticing that we're not talking???  Even Dad noticed and tried to talk to me, so the man I was once so terrified of I grew very close to, even though he would often beat me when I committed some offense he felt warranted it. 

I think you realized what you had done, and you spent the rest of your life trying to make amends.  I wanted to reconnect with you.  I still loved you.  But for some reason, it never was how it once was.  I wanted to go back to that time when we were so close, but those feelings never came.  I didn't love you, I didn't hate you, I just felt nothing.  I wanted to love you, but I could never reconnect with those loving feelings.  When I was 16, you wanted to get close to me.  You shared with me that after your Dad died when you were three, you were severely molested from that time until you were about 9.  I said nothing.  I was sad for you, but I couldn't express anything.  Everything was just a void. 

I saw my friends who were so close to my mom and I wanted that.  I couldn't understand why we couldn't have that.  I could never explain to anyone why we didn't really talk even though you tried and tried and tried.

When I met my husband at 33, I felt that me marrying and eventually having children, it would bring us closer.  We would get a chance to work on our relationship with the birth of grandkids.  Instead, you were diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and died 9 months later.  You weren't there for me when I was married.  You never met any of your grandkids.  I have to sit back while my other mom kids have helps from their moms in raising their kids.  Me, again, I am alone in it, with only my husband to rely on. 

I am in therapy now and learning to rejoin the human race.  We talked a lot about Dad and his abuse of me, but when it came to you, I couldn't even get the words out at what happened.  I could see my therapist get concerned. 

What you did has affected me more than you know.  For so long, I have felt sad whenever I think of you.  Your life was so tragic.  But now, on the 10th anniversary of your death, I feel a different emotion--anger.  I loved you so much and you left me.  I can't believe you did that.  I have a daughter now too and can understand some that you were not perfect, but you made me feel like I was less than.  You made me feel like my needs don't matter.  Do you know what that feels like??  How could you?? Now you're conveniently dead and I can't even tell you now how angry I am that you left me when I most needed you. 

I still love you, but you hurt me so badly. 

Love, Kiki

Time passes.  I went through bad relationships.  You wanted grandchildren.  But I was 30 and still was attracting the wrong guy.  I desperately wanted children, so I doubled down and found my husband.  You met him and loved him.  Then I

Could this be the Outer Critic Pete Walker talks about??     

Medication / Re: CBD. Yea or Nay
« on: April 15, 2019, 02:06:47 PM »
Thanks Blackbird, yes, drugging the IC, that is exactly what I'm worried about.  I'm hoping if I stay mindful I can avoid being overly dependent on it.  It would be great if I could make it a little easier to have difficult conversations if I could just tamp down my anxiety just a tad.  I'm thinking if I can just get over the initial hurdle of starting an unpleasant conversation and then get some successes, then it won't be as hard later down the road even without CBD.

Medication / Re: CBD. Yea or Nay
« on: April 11, 2019, 09:15:37 PM »
Thanks for all the responses.  Kizzie, I hope that it helps with my anxiety, particularly my social anxiety.  Iíve really improved but it would be nice to get more help in that area.  Also, Iím hoping I can cut down on rumination.

I live in GA which is probably one of the worst states for marijuana, but CBD oil is legal here.  Iím also wondering if it can help my 4 year old son get to sleep easier.  He is very hard to settle and his mind seems to run a million miles a minute at night.  Seems safe for kids but want to do more research on that. 

Medication / CBD. Yea or Nay
« on: April 11, 2019, 04:01:20 PM »
I've been reading a bit about CBD.  From what I'm reading, it is not addictive, but I worry about whether by taking it I may slow down my progress in therapy.  The benefits of it sound amazing, but a little too amazing, so I'm wary.  Thoughts?

Successes, Progress? / Re: No longer qualify
« on: April 11, 2019, 02:59:47 PM »
Thanks!  Seems practice makes perfect.  It's very encouraging that even though you don't think you are completely "there" that you have progressed enough where things are feeling more natural.

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