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Messages - Checkach

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** TW**. I am sure my trauma started immediately after birth. I was given up for adoption at birth and spent 8 months in an orphanage (yes, in the US).  My adopted mother said I hadnít been held and had never seen solid food.  When I had kids, it always struck me when they were that age how much love, nurturing and teaching we had been through, and I canít imagine not having it (although the cptsd wonít let me escape it). Now if only my adopted family (my FOO) hadnít ignored, ridiculed and let me know how worthless I was, along with physical abuse, ignoring the sexual abuse by a neighbor starting when I was three, I would definitely say the first 8 months were my core trauma. But who knows?

Employment / Re: C-PTSD affecting my job performance
« on: November 13, 2018, 11:59:37 PM »
Seeing this really helps. Iím glad Iím not the only one struggling in a job that I was good at and that I like. And being terrified that someone will figure me out. I think Iím hitting my breaking point, though. I just canít concentrate or put on my game face.
Even these old posts help.

General Discussion / Re: The Shadow People (TW)
« on: November 04, 2018, 11:35:12 PM »
I have flipped through parts os his book, so at least I understand this is a symptom. Derealization, I think. I just donít know how to change it. That grounding stuff doesnít seem to help - I know Iím in the present.

General Discussion / Re: The Shadow People (TW)
« on: November 04, 2018, 05:18:37 PM »
Yes, I have a serious problem with feeling real. This is all new to me. I was just diagnosed after believing I had worked through all my issues decades ago. One conversation with my mom in July just rocked me and brought everything barreling back in spades. Diagnosed in September, in a mental hospital on an involuntary commitment a few weeks later. Doing therapy and adjusting meds, but super overwhelmed. Donít understand triggers or EFs or feelings. Just self hate, numbness and severe depression and anxiety. Canít see the light at the end of the tunnel. The very long tunnel.

General Discussion / Re: Cutting them out
« on: November 04, 2018, 05:08:11 PM »
I understand, Cyd. I am newly diagnosed with cptsd and have gone LC with my parents. I donít want to see them for the holidays, but Iím sure my grown kids will spend time with them.  Itís confusing but also a relief. And who knows what will happen in the future. 

General Discussion / The Shadow People (TW)
« on: November 01, 2018, 12:47:43 PM »
We think we are moving among the work, among the people.  But there are times we are just like ghosts - maybe a vague inkling we are here, maybe a draft of air, but we donít really exists.  If you could shine a special light on the shadow people, you might just see a brief shadow outline and a ball of lead.  The ball of lead would drop and pop like a water balloon, and then the shadow people are gone forever.  If they were ever there in the first place.
Everything is Grey to a shadow person.  Nothing has a taste or a smell.  The world seems like a shadow too. I never know if people can see me.  Am I really here? 

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