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Messages - Mojo50

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Letters of Recovery / Re: Letter to little me
« on: May 13, 2019, 02:57:46 PM »
Absolutely beautiful. Your words totally echo what I have written to my IC and the sadness I feel over blaming her for so long when she was so innocent and ignorant.
I feel like the only way to heal is through loving my IC to pieces.🥰

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General Discussion / Re: Sabotaging my recovery??
« on: May 01, 2019, 09:47:32 AM »
Thanks woodsgnome! Your post made me feel better. Itís like since Iíve been healing the realization has come to me that ď you donít even trust or believe in your ability to healĒ. I am telling my IC itís okay... her trust was shattered. Such damage CPTSD causes and thank god that I no longer blame her for ANY of it. I use to even get mad at myself ( her) for my symptoms. Nope. Not doing that anymore. Hurl them at my abusers!!!!❤️

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General Discussion / Sabotaging my recovery??
« on: April 30, 2019, 10:04:19 PM »
Hi.  Iíve very sad today 😥Iíve done a lot of healing in the past couple of years.... I really feel like Iíve turned my shame to blame onto my abusers, I love and connect w my inner child BUT... sometimes I donít TRUST or BELIEVE in my wellness. Iím starting to think that maybe it has to do with not trusting myself. Or maybe my Inner Child not trusting me yet?? What do you think? Does self trust that weíre going to be okay take time? Anyone else feel like this.... like you just canít trust anything about yourself.... Ugh. Thank you for ANY words of wisdom. I love you all for the battle you/we fight every single day bccof anotherís actions. 

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Addiction/Self-Medicating / Re: CPTSD and addiction
« on: December 21, 2018, 08:05:58 PM »
Hi. Iím 50 and have been in recovery from alcohol for almost 7 years. I go to AA, which saved my life. Once sober, I was finally clear enough to start peeling off the layers of my multiple childhood traumas ( w/ a trauma therapist). We use alcohol to numb out the pain. I didnít want a buzz..... I wanted to obliterate. I now work with many women who abuse alcohol. You can quit if you really really want to. PM me anytime. I never ever thought Iíd make it through one day without a drink!!!

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As discussed in previous posts, I suffer and hate my inner critic ,  the what ifís, maladaptive ocd ( which worked for me once upon a time) and perfectionism. Basically I live in my head... :still trying to fix the pain and figure things out.... it is exhausting.
I have been so lucky, however, through help of my trauma therapist ( years) and a survivor program, to have  connected with those fragmented parts of my inner child and can truly say I have nothing but love and compassion for her. The pure, beautiful, innocent little warrior. Yet I lived decades hiding her, hating her and the shame of my past nearly cost me my life. I never, ever though in a million years Iíd ever forgive her.... but it happened bc I did the soul level work. Anyways... it still boggles my mind that I can still hear the Inner Critic even after all the healing. The catastrophizing, worrying, obsessing. But you know what I realized yesterday... my true self lives in my HEART. Not my head. My head is a liar. So when Iím triggered... instead of the fixing, freaking out which happens in MY HEAD.... I am now going to straight to my ❤️, for thatís where she and my divinity and truth are. Iím tired of my head... and after all these years... Iím finally understanding.... the answer to my pain can be found in my heart.

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Other / Re: OCD?
« on: November 13, 2018, 07:49:35 PM »
Hi.
Iím thankful for your post because I too suffer greatly from OCD bc of my cptsd. And todayís not a great day. It often co occurs. Iíve had come to understand that I have OCD ( intrusive thoughts, questioning reality) bc of my childhood but Iím finding it hard to accept. Like intellectually... I know why I think the things I do, but it still stresses me out. I try to remind that little kid inside sheís fine, sheís safe and sheís allowed to think and question whatever she needs to. I feel like I owe her that after years of shutting her down. This helps me a lot. And I donít know.... I hope this helps. Youíre normal, normal and normal. What happened to us was abnormal!!!  And Iím still working on accepting that I have ocd bc of my ptsd.

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Medication / Re: cbd oil (legal) vs benzos
« on: November 05, 2018, 05:11:35 PM »
Thanks  @ Three Roses.
May I ask : Are you using pure CBD oil or does it have THC in it? Iím down to .5 clonazepam and am
Terrified to come off. Thereís so much good stuff about CBD oil....c ptsd is the worst. But on I go!

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Inner Child Work / I finally love my IC but not her bad habit :(
« on: October 14, 2018, 11:04:59 AM »
I need to begin by saying that after tears of therapy, I actually really love my Inner Child(s). I remember a time years ago when I could not even look at her bc of the shame and the guilt. I just wanted to pretend that those parts of me didn't exist or didn't matter. As a survivor of CSA, alcoholic dad, neglectful parents and a super strict RELIGIOUS upbringing where God was angry and judgemental...so little me had no one. No sense of love or connection. Not ONE person to say you are lovable, worthy, perfectly imperfect, smart ........
Anyways, I am here to say the connection CAN happen. Through painful Inner Child work, looking at my own kids, I have learned to understand (?) those younger parts of me who made some not so great choices (esp. in relation to the CSA) and let go of the toxic shame which I am now realizing never ever belonged to her. There are days now where she and I will have internal conversations where I can soothe her, hug a pillow and pretend its her etc. It is kind of cool.
However....here is what I want to ask other warriors (bc that is what we are).... little me developed a little OCD in that she was always trying to fix everything and everyone (and esp fix herself because she thought she was so badly damaged). It is almost like I existed in my head to try and figure out how to make everything okay...... Anyways, decades later I still find that I do this....like my brain actually TRIES to come up with situations (real or imagined) that I can freak out about and fret about or fix.
 Does anyone else do this? Like, I constantly still worry and try and fix everything and anything.  MY T has said this happens....I am just repeating what she did. But I am so tired of this brain of mine.  I try to tell her to stop, we arent there anymore. There is nothing to fix. But it is just so hard.
And if you do this, what do YOU do to get your brain to just STOP it already. This is when I have total compassion for that kid.....that she actually thought she had the power to change ppl or things...... and had to resort to a childhood of "figuring it out". I wish she could just let go..........

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Medication / cbd oil (legal) vs benzos
« on: October 10, 2018, 09:25:46 PM »
Hi.... My T has had me on 1 mg clonazepam for 18 months. Sure, it cures the anxiety but I feel terribly depressed. I want to get off of it (I am down now to .5) but am TERRIFIED of the panic, anxiety and intrusive thoughts (which I still get). Has anyone used CBD oil (no THC) for this and any success.
It is legal where I live (Ontario).
I hate CPTSD. It has taken every ounce of joy from me. Just having a bad day (week)
Thanks all.

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Introductory Post / Re: Exhausted but still going!
« on: October 03, 2018, 12:04:18 PM »
Thank you for your responses. I wish that part of my brain just wouldn't question EVERYTHING all the time. It makes me so sad. I have an incredible life.....I am a teacher, mom, supportive husband, been clean for seven years  :cheer: but it is like there is something I just cant accept about having CPTSD. And I have exhausted therapy. I know it has to do with acceptance......God grant me the serenity......

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Introductory Post / Exhausted but still going!
« on: October 02, 2018, 11:58:21 PM »
Hi. I am new to this site and am thankful for it. I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years ago and have done a lot of trauma therapy. I feel like I have integrated parts of myself, gotten over (most) of the TOXIC shame of my abuse. However, apparently one of my coping mechanisms was ocd. I feel this is what I am left with now as an adult and I HATE IT. I try to remind myself they are just trauma thoughts but they are SOOOO overwhelming. I just want to stay in bed and cry all day. The worst thought is when I question whether any of this is "real". Does anyone...anyone at all.....ever do this? (question reality). Is this part of CPTSD?  I just wish I could tell that little girl to let go of the ocd/perfectionism thoughts. I know it helped her back then but is interfering in my daily life . Thank you for those who might respond and Bless all of us who have had to walk this path. I cant do this alone.

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