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Messages - WideSargassoSea

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1
Hi Kizzie .  That group has strict limits and are very finite meaning they were not accessible at the moment in a specific and important way.  I got this information from the people involved themselves. I cant go into those limits of their resources because it would identify which town I live in, so I have to be vague about it.  But all I can say is-not all these places listed are as advertised right now due to finite resources which has severely limited it in a specific way.

Separate from that group link; it is not true to say that 'most resources are open to men and women'. So many groups and funding are now strictly limited to groups that do not include common men and are ONLY for women-specifically excluding men. I do not wish to debate here, as its not why I originally posted, and I appreciate the links previously added to offer help-but I do want facts here to be accurate and it is a raw spot for many men, including myself, to be told there is available help of an equal nature available to us when it simply is not so.  Im sure no offense was meant, but I do find it slightly insulting. I wanted to redress this fact in light of this, as I do not wish to see other vulnerable men being upset by inaccurate claims about equal help.

I wont mention this here any further (the plain facts speak for themselves over this issue anyway-and are undeniable), as I do not think this the right place for debate. I trust you will respect this, so would appreciate no more on that matter, and trust more care will be taken in future in light of the facts I mentioned.
 

2
Hi Kizzie. As my earlier post mentions, support from the stand alone site was not available unfortunately.  The other was London based only so not practical. The final was online text based only as far as I can tell.

The simple truth is that help is not as practical or common as it should be, and also that standards are plummeting due to financial cuts.  I registered an official complaint with the Samaritans and have been told they're looking into it. We'll see what happens I guess.

Separately from the above, and speaking generally, I find it a common tale that frankly, there needs to be far more support for men even though most support is cultured towards, and targeted at, women. Im not criticizing anything, or anyone, just making a statement of fact. Suicide rates for men are shockingly higher, and sadly, there's less and less help. I guess it partly shows why this forum and site is so important in such a context.

Fingers crossed our culture changes soon/that more investment is put towards helping people who need help once more.

3
This is crazy. Went to the samaritans and asked the person if i could make an appointment, as a couple of samaritans I'd spoken to on the phone said that was possible. I also asked if it was common to have trainees in on a call, ie that there were sometimes two people in a call at their end. I know this to be true, have seen it in documentaries, have been told it during samaritans calls.

His response was - "No way nobody would tell you that, I dont know who would tell you that" he said. I was confused and mentioned it. He got argumentative, difficult, vague, and just kept repeating "nobody would have told you that, I dont know who would tell you that!". I tried to get any sense out of him but then he said "Im not talking to you anymore" and walked off and closed the door, leaving me in an empty room by myself. Im gobsmacked. For clarity I phoned up the general line and asked and they confirmed what I originally thought was correct. I tried calling the complaints line to report the guy. No answer. Im really REALLY struggling and it seems that every way I turn is blocked in crazy ways. I had some of the worst nightmares I've ever had the previous night

4
sometimes when im really struggling my self doubts kick into overdrive. It was reassuring to read these comments, and the simple gestures posted help, and let me know Im not alone during very tough times.

I'll try a samaritans visit again tomorrow after trying to take things gently today. I'll try to balance my expectations before I head out-but fingers crossed regardless.

5
I appreciate the replies. Also the links. Im looking into them. Just my luck one of the groups shutdown the day before I applied.

I got another email from my letting agent about the problem neighbour. I'd hope for progress but instead she fudged the issue and avoided committing to taking any real action, despite my being disturbed again at 3am last night by his noise

today I went to the 'support' group I sometimes go to. I spoke of whats been going on and the police, and how painful its been for me lately. Not one person said anything to me after or offered any kind words.

I tried visiting the samaritans later on. Again too busy, and they said they couldn't see me. So I later phoned the samaritans. Part way through explaining what I'd been dealing with I heard very loud music playing. I asked what was going on and the woman just laughed. I asked again and eventually she said it was her colleague listening in who's mobile he'd left on. I hung up.

I just dont know what to do anymore to get somewhere with things. I feel like im in pieces. Im sorry if this seems self pitying but I have to get this out somewhere.

6
The online hugs are welcome.

Having reread the email. the tone of it also makes me feel like the parent doesnt even care about me, like they have no problem with the idea of no more communication at all.

For me its been a deeply upsetting thought, but something that had to happen due to their abusive nature towards me. Now I feel like on top of their emotional abuse, they don't even particularly feel anything deep or any connection. That, for them, its easy to cut any ties where for me its been so hard. Makes me wonder if all I was to them is a 'dog' that they saw as disloyal or 'badly behaved'. Not a son, or a human, or anything like that.

7
So just got an email from the police telling me they just visited and warned the parent who stalked me.

This despite me requesting from a previous officer specifically NOT to tell me when it happened, which he assured me was fine.

Now Im stuck with my mind on a loop speculating about how it went, what was said, what they may do as a result, and so on.

I had already been struggling incredibly and unfortunately turned to drink a bit late last night, which I feel bad about. I'd tried visiting the Samaritans twice last week but they were too busy so was unsuccessful. I feel utterly depressed, panicked, alone, and like Im fighting a losing battle. Every second I achieve one thing, something else massive comes along and hits me. Havent even been able to eat normally for two weeks since my dentist messed things up-my teeth were fine, yet they insisted on working on two teeth. Its only SINCE they 'repaired' those two teeth that both are now painful whenever I put pressure on them. One on either side of my mouth....

Things just keep piling up and I cant cope. Having awful nightmares every single night.

8
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 30, 2019, 01:13:59 PM »
Hope I can find a decent therapist to work with someday too. I want to broaden my life so that I have more colours in my life. At the moment im having such issues with anxiety, and with my mind drifting into issues about the past. Finding it difficult to enjoy the present, or to relax, or to just be. So instead im 'doing', ticking lots of things off of a list, but its leaving me very tired, and feeling like my life is currently just a list of unpleaseant hurried tasks. I hope this will pass and evolve as time goes on.... I tried to speak to the Samaritans yesterday as Ive found this helped give me additional perspective in the past, but they were again too busy for the second day running. Sadly, it seems this is a tough time for a lot of people. Blueberry, Im glad to hear therapy is helping. Its nice to hear its possible to cope and move forward with these difficult things.

9
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 26, 2019, 02:12:10 PM »
Reading the posts of support have helped me calm my fears a bit. Im just finding that I feel a lot of confused emotions over my no contact abusive mother at the moment after having to report her to the police for the stalking behavior. A minute ago I really felt I could not cope without contact with her, and missed her terribly. I have such a hard time accepting I wont be able to get the healthy relationship with her I have wanted my entire life. I know its the case intellectually speaking, but emotionally , I can tell I just cant accept it and it breaks my heart.

10
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 25, 2019, 02:10:33 PM »
I'll check out the link soon. Been struggling the last 24 hours. Hopefully today I can rest a bit.

11
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 23, 2019, 11:50:34 AM »
Wouldnt you know it, I get up much earlier than ususal to go do this unpleasant thing...and am told there's an error and will have to wait 5 weeks, I spoke to the head person to complain, and they then made literally four further errors which would have been costly had I not caught them and pointed them out! Total chaos there. sigh. Really wanted to get it over with today, I really desperately did.

Very tired now.

Re the animal thing, I'd be interested to know what people would choose for their babysitting animal too-I'll start with a Seal please! Stinky fish breath, but worth it for the cuddle factor.....

12
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 22, 2019, 02:17:14 PM »
Interesting idea Blueberry. I like it. I decided to go for the choice tomorrow. Trying not to think about it for now, but fingers crossed. It's kind of in a couple of stages, one being tomorrow, and the other will probably take a few days. One step at a time though I guess.

13
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 21, 2019, 04:00:36 PM »
Im trying to give it whats needed (It's a 'he' by the way), but it's difficult with all the things im dealing with at the moment. Have a difficult choice to make about something for this thursday... either a last minute rush to get everything ready in time for Thursday to do something very unpleasant (but it would at least be over by Friday), or to postpone it until 5 weeks from now (far too long to wait!)

Im having real trouble deciding, especially after all the other upsets recently.

14
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 20, 2019, 03:05:12 PM »
Feel very shaky inside, like a well of hurt. Kind of scared to deal with it/try to accept it. Guess dont have to do all at once, should take breaks, do things to take my mind off from that sometimes. But part of me kind of wants to deal with it all at once-or feels like unless I do, that I'm somehow lying to myself and not acknowledging the full hurt and pain.

I guess my inner child is in deep pain right now. I hope in writing this I am doing right by it, showing I am not ignoring it but trying to approach things in manageable sustainable ways to work with it and process such difficult feelings

15
Recovery Journals / Re: Hoping for the best
« on: May 15, 2019, 01:35:25 PM »
Turns out ALL the police information I was given was wrong and a waste of time, and they could have just called me and done it over the phone instead of telling me I would have to go to 2 different stations and waste three days.

Did the report over the phone. Cops said they'd go to parent house and warn them off doing anything similar and that they face arrest if they do it again. Now I feel loads of guilt, fear and self doubt over taking such action. Crazy isnt it? I feel fear and guilt for simply enforcing my rights as a human that were being repeatedly ignored and that caused me huge distress.

Counter intuitively, I fear some abstract form of emotional rejection and being cut off by the FOO, even though I chose to go NC. I feel like im about to be 'punished' for my action. I guess its the child within me that was always raised with the messages that Im "not good enough" on my own, "not strong enough", "couldn't be happy" unless they were involved, "wouldnt cope" without them etc, etc.

Feel such pain today because of it. And because its come to this. Feels almost like a funeral in some way. I know I had to take the step I did, but its so upsetting.

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