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Complex ptsd lies to us. I too blamed myself for the abuse and every bad thing (sexual assaults as an adult and a teen as well.)

I think when we are younger and even after becoming adults, even decades later, we blame ourselves.

It wasn't our fault.

I beat myself up mentally for so long, that that impact did more damage to me than the original abuse.

I hope you realize it was not your fault and forgive yourself for not knowing otherwise.

My heart breaks for all of the pain and suffering for the OP and the others. I am a woman, hurt by my mother and stepfathers. She hurt me and my sister in every way. I don't know if she ever hurt my brothers. I can't completely remember the SA but I know it was there. She also was married to a couple of awful men like her, predators.

I am sorry for your hurt and pain and I hope you find healing soon.