Messages

Moving through the forest, immersed in its emerald embrace, I can feel its sinews reaching for me... its breath moving over me, whispering an ancient language... calling me to melt into its shadows.

This longing to stay... this craving to remain in this place where I feel valid... real... accepted... a place where I can release my grip on the facade... it is a longing, born of pain and shadows, which calls me to disappear into the green fold... to turn away from the hurt beyond these trees.

And it is almost possible... to turn my back on all...  to allow the overwhelming waves to crash into the edge of the wood, as these roots hold strong against charge after charge.  Nestled in its boughs, an inner sigh tells me there is no reason to leave.

Isabella Fortuna - "My Love Song"

https://youtu.be/ZqdWqFEnqOY

Released from freefall

As her voice caresses my soul

Whispering...

"You can rest now... you are where you belong"

And the beast can sleep now... as a boy.

https://youtu.be/jc6fVH1fLkI

For me, the bad dreams were a part of my processing through old stuff that I had buried for a long time.

As I got further through old trauma, the bad dreams went away.

I hope this happens for you as well.

Hi Noise.

Glad you posted.

As far as getting dark "fast"... I think a lot of us start at dark and work toward health from there.  So, it seems you fit right in.

Looking forward to hearing (reading) more from you in the future.

Dr. Beth McGuire PhD.  (Redlands, CA)
909-831-6377

Specializes in PTSD and childhood trauma, and recognizes the C-PTSD construct.

She helped me through some very tough areas... be ready to do some deep dives if you see her.

Thanks for reading this.

I felt like I needed to write about what I could not (refused to) remember... and how it seemed so overwhelming.

I did finally open the door... see my DID posts regarding this if you like.

DID Post - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13618.0
Recovered moment - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13625.0

Thank you 3R and notalone.  Writing it out kind of enshrined the memory.  Thanks for reading this.

T handled the physical issue well.  Can't give details, but I think this led to a breakthrough for my wife.  Some perspective and insight was gained.

I was able to get angry with her, and it felt more safe while telling her.  New territory for me.  I have a past of just absorbing... turning that anger inward.

Newly discovered memory from when I was 7, after I processed some very bad trauma I refused to think about.

Using fake names…

Randy and Ronny were kids that lived next door to my good grandparents (dad’s side).  These were the ones I got to visit rarely, since my mother’s side of the family hated them and invited them to none of their tribal get-togethers (she was from a large family).

I was at my grandparents (father’s side) house and, at some point, went out to play with the neighbor kids.  While we were playing something fairly rough, Randy got angry.  He was the older of the two, and significantly bigger than both me and his younger brother Ronny, so we were laughing… trying to play it off.  That is when Randy  went in the house and got his pellet rifle.

Ronny and I ran around the back side of the house.  We saw Randy round the corner and was taking aim, so we ran in the opposite direction rounding the corner to the front of the house.  We could hear him chasing us.

I passed the woodpile, went back, grabbed a sizable piece of wood, and hid behind the woodpile.  As I heard Randy running up, I threw the log out at about his head height.  He ran right into it, falling down, dropping the rifle.

I ran back to my grandparents’ house.  As I came in the door, my grandmother saw a look on my face that immediately concerned her.  I was feeling like I had done something wrong, and did not want to tell her what had just happened, but when my grandfather came in, I knew I had to tell the truth.  He had a way… later in life I learned he had been an interrogator during part of his 38 years in the army… he was also special forces.  But as a kid, I just had a sense that he could get the truth out of you, whether you liked it or not.

I told him what happened.  My grandfather asked very few, but very to-the-point questions.  And, just as we finished talking about it, there was a forceful knock at the door.

My grandfather answered the door.  It was Randy and Ronny’s father.  Not sure what was said, but my grandfather moved him back away from the door, went outside with their father, shutting the door behind him.

They talked… it got a bit heated and loud, but I don’t recall, exactly what was said.  Their father was significantly bigger than my grandfather (who was in his mid-to-late 60’s at the time), but peeking out the window, I could see my grandfather standing his ground, and their father seemed to have an epiphany that my grandfather was more than willing to get physical with him, if it came to that.

My grandfather defended me.

He defended me at a time in my life when I was sure no one would.

(**TW** highlight below to see text)
The memory of this event was being blocked by my unwillingness to recall age 7, the year I was raped.  I refused to think about the trauma of that year, and it had effectively blocked lots of other memories… maybe because it was so big and overwhelming.

While processing my age 7 trauma, I was at a loss as to how I could at least function.

I think my grandfather defending me showed me that there were, at least, some people who were good and would stand up for me.

This is probably how I got through it.

(**TW** highlight below to see text)
I never told him, or anyone, about the rape.  My FOO was just too toxic.  I see now, looking back, that I could have told my grandparents on my father’s side.  But I think I felt like, if anyone knew, they would see me differently...see me as rotten on the inside.  And, with these two being the only ones who seemed to take joy in me, I did not dare risk their knowing.

But, recalling this event has been like finding a gem in a pile of crap.  It was not pleasant getting to it, but the memory is beautiful.

I am safe.

It is not like when I was a little kid, with my family abusers... I am significantly bigger than my wife, so, no real physical harm was done... just some scratches.

I want to protect my wife.  And she did apologize for that part.

I feel like just letting it go, and continuing with our counseling and healing path.

I hope you find some comfort and reassurance. You're not alone in this, and I hope you feel up to giving an update on this. I care about you.

I really appreciate this part of your response.  i need this right now.

A misunderstanding from Sunday night... a fairly good day on Monday... we talked about the misunderstanding, and it seemed resolved... then Tuesday morning my wife was in a rage about the Sunday misunderstanding.  At one point she said she hates me, she does not love me anymore, and if I touched her again she would "f@#$" me up.  She then got physical with me.  Worse than the few times before (lots of years separating each... probably 4 incidents over 25 years).

I did not defend myself, physically or verbally (never have).  I just kept trying to calm her down.  I was able to keep my emotions calm (mostly).  And later she apologized for the physical part over the phone, then hung up on me before I could respond.

She is being nice enough today, but I am not sure if the "do not touch" mandate is still in place (so no hugs or any thing), and there has been no "I love you", so, not really sure where I stand at this point.

I think I am doing well, considering the abandonment/attachment issues I have been working on... maybe I have made real progress.

Still just numb about her getting physical.  Not angry, or sad... just numb.

I have been going through some very tough therapy.

I finally verbalized my being raped at the age of 7 by a 14 year old boy.  I told no one at the time that it happened... and it was something I refused to think about afterward.

When it happened, I recall the first part (him cutting my arm with his hunting knife... being penetrated) , but the next thing I recall was walking in the woods, where I always played, very confused...  very upset...  feeling very isolated.

I think now I have processed this and am moving past it.  I am through the doorway, and I am not going back.

But, this has changed me.  It has changed how I react to things... how I react to my children... how I react to my wife.  It has changed me for the better.

My wife, I think, is now confused as to how we fit together, and what her new role is.  Twenty-five years of being married to me has taught her that I am a minefield... no telling what will trigger me.  And, I think there is some resentment (I have not been easy to live with).

We were talking to our marriage therapist and my wife described one of our fights and how I get during.  She brought up an incident when we were hiking up on a mountain and having a pretty serious argument with threats of her leaving me.  She said, at a particularly intense part, I walked over to the edge of the cliff we were on top of and just stared out.  She said she approached me and I turned around, and was acting like I expected her to try to push me off of the cliff... she said it was like I was a different person.

The problem I have with this is that I do not recall it at all.  I remember the hike.  I do not remember the cliff.

I am skeptical of DID in most cases.  My psychology teachers all seemed to agree that DID is extremely rare, and often faked in order to avoid responsibility for one's actions.  Of course, this was 20 years ago, and I do not know what the current view on DID is.

I do not know if this is DID (see skeptical), but I am now remembering other times when my wife has brought up incidents that I just have no memory of.

I love this.  It is strikingly to the point... taking on responsibility for something that was already primed for ignition.

Strikingly... no pun intended.