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You totally did the right thing by protecting your kids from a situation you knew would be hurtful for them,   , you did exactly the right thing no matter how your mom and dad reacted. Glad your husband it so supportive and has your back.

I have a very toxic mother so I know how you feel. If yours is like mine, you  can bet your butt she will treat you kids the way she does you,  and possibly even be cruel to them just to hurt you.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Family is supposed to love unconditionally, but the toxic ones seem to enjoy spreading misery instead. BUT it sounds like you and your husband are great parents, and you're preventing them from being around people who could seriously scar their self esteem. You sound like a wonderful mom!

Hi Rudi!    

Silverhalo28,

I'm a straight married female, and my toxic mom and brother disowned me because they are manipulative and I refuse to play their games.

In other words, I wanted to say I can totally relate to the pain of being related to people like that. No matter the reason, if your family disowns you, a person they are supposed to love unconditionally, you are far better off without them. I know it still hurts. Surround yourself with people who love you and support for who you are. 

Oscen,
I totally understand why you want to write the list, as proof of what you've gone through and a way to try to understand it.  I agree with others in thinking this would be best done with a therapist who can help you through the feeling it will dredge up. If you do go ahead and compile the list on your own, perhaps you could make it as vague as possible (for example, 'emotional abuse on family trip to Texas'  rather than delving into the details of what she did), which you could then take to therapy, or if  not seeing a therapist you could later focus on one listed item at a time to protect yourself from being overwhelmed. Just a suggestion, and I hope your list will help you find some peace.

CheshireCanary - my pleasure. These words just spoke to me so loud and clear, so I wanted to share. Has HV affected you over the years?

Yes, it affects me often, just as you described. It takes me longer to respond in conversations with unpleasant people (family members who gaslight, mostly) because I run through what they will most likely say next, how harmless comments from me will be twisted to blame me for something.

Often when enduring prolonged abuse, the victim learns to assess and anticipate all moods, actions, words, behaviours, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc, in order to stay safe.

This is hypervigilance - the continual need to work people out, in order to protect oneself from further harm, or reduce the harm coming.

This hypervigilance becomes a natural part of the survivor's subconscious need and therefore continues on even when the harm and abuse has ceased.

Thank you for posting this.

Enjoy your break. 

Exercise keep me sane.    It helps fight the insomnia, keeps my anxiety/panic attacks down, and helps my appetite. I totally agree that it helps regulate dopamine and serotonin  levels.

(Sorry to interrupt - CheshireCanary, I see this is your first post and wanted to welcome you.  )

Thanks, Three Roses! 

Hi Jazzy
I was glad to see your post on this topic, and hope you're doing well.

I also have a recurring problem with being underweight. Like Boy22, I actually LOVE food, love cooking and eating and dining out, when things are going well. The problem is during really rough periods, and when I'm triggered, I can not eat. It's like my stomach shuts down. If I eat, it will come back up. The anxiety and mental crap I go through apparently burns a ton of calories as well, since I can drop pounds overnight from worry during bad spells. My problems with this started during the early days of my CPTSD, and I felt like I didn't deserve to eat. 

For years I've done better with this problem, focusing on not letting it get the best of me when I'm triggered. THis past winter was rough, and I didn't even realize I was at my lowest weight in a decade until I met my BFFs for lunch and they remarked on how much I'd lost. THen I stepped on the scale and confirmed it.

I have an awesome therapist and I'm getting better again, but I totally relate to your post.