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Messages - Regret

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« on: April 12, 2020, 01:42:00 PM »
I haven't forgotten about this topic for it still holds true. I have so much I would like to say but can't seem to put it into the right words each time I try. I just wanted to say I still have no real feelings. Love is unknown but regrets are everywhere. I may have crawled out of that 60 year long tunnel of depression and dumped the parental tapes a few years ago but the shadows of this horrendous disorder are long and persistent. There is little that I can do without having a memory of old of a similar event come forward to remind me of the things I did, or had done to me, so many years ago and to regret having had to undergo those now embarrassing, regretful times thanks to the emotional trauma I experienced in my pre-teen years. It presents as a sinking feeling, a sad feeling, a realization of opportunity lost. The only things I can do that are free of regret are things that I did for the first time since discovering and understanding cPTSD. While I no longer suffer the day by day debilitating affects of this disorder, as so many on this forum do, I anguish in the shadows of regret given to me forever by my parents so many years ago. I hope that makes sense and will leave it at that, for now.
 

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: April 12, 2020, 01:30:53 PM »
 I know these are boring or not much help to anyone, but I just have to post the dreams I had 2 nights ago and last night. Still remember them.

Two nights ago, I was just rehired to a company I worked for in the 80's for 10 years. It no longer exists. As I was walking down a hall to my office, I spotted someone who I did not like, someone who used me and cheated the company. He looked as he did back then and as I saw him, I said his name and just kept walking past him. He said "Don't you wan to talk to me?" and I said no and kept going. For some reason, a red metal door came into the dream. I was told not to enter. I found the door, opened it and discovered it was a large, unfinished (under construction) room with building debris on the floor. Just an empty room. Closed the door and kept walking down the hallway and woke up.

Last night I went back to school, a 70 year old sitting with teenagers, others my age and all ages in between. It was a class on psychology and the professor was lecturing but I had nothing to follow along with in that I just drove down to the school that day and did not have time to get books, etc. Toward the end of the class, he took a half dozen 3-ring binders (blue and white and other colors and types) out of a cabinet and passed them around as examples of how to make one for myself. One that I opened was filled with writing in blue ink that was written by a left handed person. I actually read a few lines but the writing was so small and so much on each page that a few lines did not make sense. Can still remember see "one can not" in the middle of a paragraph. Passed it on and woke up.

What this means is unknown to me other than I seem to still be processing people who did me harm when I was under the spells of cPTSD and it seems my brain is telling me there is more to get done or do in my life, what's left of it.

Just two curious dreams on two consecutive nights.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: April 05, 2020, 01:24:24 AM »
An update on my dreams as they evolve.

While I had stopped dreaming of the past and only of the current and predictive future, within the past week I've had a few dreams from the past. One dealing with an ex-spouse and the other with a toxic relationship I had in the early 90's. A couple of dreams of each and none of them painful or scary. They were friendly and calming, almost apologetic toward me, being nice to me, accepting me. Guess the back rooms of my mind still have some baggage to unpack. Dreams that if they had happened in real life way back then, life would have been pleasant for me in both relationships.

Funny dream I had last night was of riding in a car with a guy driving, me and a woman. I didn't recognize anyone but as we were going along, the steering wheel came off into the drivers lap and he had to stop the car. I got into the drivers seat, put the steering wheel back on the post and while holding it down, started to drive the car slowly trying to get it off the busy street into a ground covered empty lot. I kept missing the driveway into the lot and had to make 4 or 5 U-turns to try again and finally finding the turn to get the car off the road and safely parked. I can still picture the center of the steering wheel and the metal part that "broke" allowing the wheel to come off. It was quite a complex mechanism. Now, that is a dream to interpret and could be done so in many ways.

The dreams come randomly and many are in current time, things that happened that day or things I might do the next day, after I wake, that were based on what I did before going to sleep. And it seems I start to dream as soon as I fall asleep. I never looked into when and why dreams happen, I just have them and remember some 10% of all I've had. I can still remember vividly the dream in which I walked up to my parents country house to meet myself when I was 3 years old, the dream that turned my life around.

It probably can be said that I no longer go to bed at night, I go to the movies without needing a ticket (although I paid a heavy price to get this far in life so it's only right that what I missed out on is now being re-lived for free).

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SOT - Sense of Threat (eg Hypervigilance) / Re: Trigger of a Comment
« on: April 02, 2020, 05:02:17 PM »
Sounds like you were asking questions that touched on something he was trying to hide.

The only other option you had (if you didn't ask questions on the phone) would be to take a mechanic with you to the vehicle to give it a go over and even take it to a auto shop the mechanic trusted for a complete inspection.  Asking to do that may have generated the same response from the seller.

If he was trying to sell a sound vehicle, he would have been up front with you. Nothing for you to feel bad about other than most likely saving yourself a long trip to find out the vehicle had issues.

You did well to ask questions, nothing wrong with that. Hope you are feeling better.

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« on: February 16, 2020, 11:23:36 PM »
As life moves on these days, sometimes forward, sometimes backward, more is always learned. The moving backward part is mostly what I call mini-triggers, memories that instantly arise from a past event triggered by something someone says to me or I see on TV or that just surfaces on its own.

I call them mini-triggers in that they don't result in a major crisis, just a sad feeling of deep regret for having done something or missed out on something due to this nasty disorder. Memories of my past life.

One recently came to be when someone I work with told me she's been married for 30 some years and she loves her husband more today than she did when they got married. I thought how nice for her as it immediately reminded me that I never had a chance to experience love like that even once, much less over time, and to see it grow.

Love for me is a an absent feeling, one of many I guess having it and all the others driven out of my life almost 70 years ago. Stolen from me by parents who didn't know better, did the best they could but raised a child that was not ready from prime time life when coming of age.

There is no hate in me, just deep regret and sad feeling of loss until they dissipate setting me up for the next mini-trigger minutes to hours to days later. My biggest challenge is dealing with mini-triggers brought on by others in conversation is to keep mindful of it being their life, wishing them well for their having that “normal” experience and changing the subject quickly.

So much was missed for so long, so much of my life was wasted living as I thought others wanted me to live and so much was not learned, put into my toolbox for life to help me live my life as an adult.

I am finding more moments of happiness that seems to arise for no reason other than being in a nice state of mind. I guess it’s me beginning to live my own life, a life devoid me trying to do what others would want me to do, and that leaves time to relax, to let my mind unwind and become happy. And then comes another mini-trigger along with its sadness and regrets. Just the way it’s been lately.


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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: January 29, 2020, 01:46:21 PM »
My dreams continue to be of current and future content. I no longer dream of things from the past. I dream about what happened or what I saw on TV during the day. And some seem to be predictive in that they have content of future events, of being at work the next day for example. I guess the past is now in the past and my goal or task is to work on things going forward. The mind is a curious and interesting realm when asleep.

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« on: January 21, 2020, 04:23:41 AM »
Heart,

Thank you for that great insight. I never thought of it that way but when I read what you wrote, it rang true and parts touched on what I have been experiencing lately.

You wrote "And I think that love and joy goes together." and I think I may be warming up to that in that, oh, if I could only put it into good words, I am having new feelings of happiness and joy but don't know why that is happening. Maybe it is "the mystery is clear, that love is only letting go of fear" and on some level I am more accepting of myself and trusting of a few others close to me.

I have a lot to work on or a lot much change to get out of my hardened shell that's been protecting me for a very long time. But maybe, without my direct knowledge, something is happening inside that is eating away at that shell from the inside out. My dreams continue to in some way cleanse me of bad relationships and events and maybe it's my sleeping mind/self that is helping me to recover from this horrendous disorder. Until than, I seem to be a happier basket case.

Thanks again for a lot to think about and hopefully help my dreaming self work to quicker to that end.

Regret . . .   

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: January 12, 2020, 12:31:33 AM »
I haven't posted about my dreams in that they have been changing (content) so quickly, by the time I could write something, they had already moved on.

After dreaming about meeting a few friends who died long ago, my dreams now take on the content and context of what I experienced that day. Stuff in my waking life and shows that I watch on TV end up being the life I experience when dreaming that evening. It's gotten to the point that I no longer watch violent TV shows in that I end up playing one of the roles, being in some sort of difficult situation in my dreams and that borders on a mild nightmare.

I've even had dreams now that were of things that then happened a day or so later. My dreams seem to be showing me future events and they seem to be accurate, what I dream in the future seems to come true. Doesn't happen a lot but upon waking I say to myself, what was that about only to find it occurring my my waking life the next day or so later.

A few weeks ago someone ( sanmagic7 ) posted

( found it: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12959.msg96326#msg96326 )

 that structures in dreams are our true selves. I agree with that. My dreams have had structure in them for decades. It was only after I discovered cPTSD that the structures in my dream began to be remodeled, a minor cosmetic change at first to reconstruction of the entire building  and when that happened, no more structures in my dreams.

I would like to add that I think I figured out what cars have been in my dreams. I've had many dreams where I drove somewhere, parked the car and found it missing, stolen or towed, anywhere from a few minutes to a few hour in my dream. I've had some where I parked the car and after crossing the street, turning around and it was gone. The dream was me driving somewhere to meet with or be with a few or a large group of people. The last dream I had like this was driving to my high school class reunion and parking it next to a car owned by a long dead friend. I went into the building to find my classmates in old age, not as they were way back then. I didn't say much to them and went outside to find my car was gone. I woke up from that dream with a realization of what the car meant to me. It was the almost empty social tool box I was given in my youth, had enough tools in it to get me to a social function but then it was gone. In my dream, one the car was gone, I was left with no other tools to interact with people. I didn't know how to be my genuine self, couldn't be my genuine self because the ability to do that was stolen from me long ago and I ended up standing apart from the groups. That is the story of my life living the please/fawn typology. The car represented my minimal social skills that disappeared once those few tools got me to and into a social event.

And these "car" dreams occurred so much that in my more recent car dreams, I was looking for a place to park where my car would be safe, would not be taken, but in every dream it disappeared. I even felt bad in those dreams knowing I had remembered by car was often stolen, I looked for a safe place but failed to put it in a place where it would not be stolen. They were amazing dreams in my trying to protect my car, failing to do so and feeling bad in my dream when it was stolen. I realize that's a lot to unpack or understand but it really did happen to me like that. The mind is a vast and varied land to visit in ones sleep.

I had this dream several weeks ago and it is still in my memory as if I had it last night. And I've not had any car dreams since then. Just like I never had any more dreams with structures in them after seeing the building I worked in for many years totally gutted and reconstructed.

I realize everyone's dreams are personal to them but want to share my "car" realization in case anyone has had similar experience or reasonably good knowledge of what a car is in a dream.

My dreams keep changin' and to what end, I don't know. It's been an interesting 3 years since I discovered my cPTSD disorder.

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Christmas & New Years / Re: "...and good will toward men"
« on: December 28, 2019, 06:12:02 AM »
It once again made me realize how I lived most of my 60+ years with a group of people known as my "family", and never, ever knew who any of them were—let alone fully knowing myself.

What a spot on and highly descriptive thought that covers my life perfectly.

While being familiar with that story, I've never read the thought you put into words before and I found it deeply satisfying and centering to me. You summarized my 60+ years of life in 37 words and I thank you for that clarity.

Hope you have a very happy and wonderful New Year!

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: November 23, 2019, 11:32:46 PM »
That happened to me last night and I woke up, after 8 hours of sleep, totally exhausted, as if I did not sleep at all. I didn't want to get out of bed to make a morning appointment. After the appointment, I went home and slept for another 5 hours. I feel better now but I am still tired.

Just wanted to say it took me a full 7 days to recover from that dream, to get out of the fog it put me into and to get back to normal energy. I had dreams every night since then, most I can't remember, and only one was on the terror side. I did have a new one dealing with my brother-in-law, a person who has not talked to me in 20 years including at my mother's funeral a few years go and at his son's wedding this past summer. That was the first time he's showed up in one of my dreams and no, that was not the terror dream.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: November 17, 2019, 05:02:25 AM »
Jazzy,

Thanks for the reply. I remember some of your posts talking about your dreams. I've had night terror dreams and it is terrible waking up after one of those.

In this dream, I didn't argue with the other person, I didn't let them get a word in edgewise. It was a non-stop tirade from me to him and anyone else who came into sight. It was nothing more than yelling at the top of my voice at him for what seemed like an hour in dream time. He would walk away and I would track him down to start yelling at him again. I think I quit yelling and left the building when I became hoarse, lost my voice.

Over the past few years, I woken from sleep happy, sad, smiling, scared and anxious but never so physically exhausted. that's why I asked if anyone was so affected by their dreams.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: November 16, 2019, 11:52:02 PM »
My dreams continue to be a nightly adventure never knowing what I will dream next or how it will affect me.

I was wondering if anyone ever had a dream in which they became extremely agitated, mad at someone in the dream (for good cause) and yelled at that person for, in dream time, a long period of time. After I stopped yelling, I got into my car to go somewhere and woke up.

That happened to me last night and I woke up, after 8 hours of sleep, totally exhausted, as if I did not sleep at all. I didn't want to get out of bed to make a morning appointment. After the appointment, I went home and slept for another 5 hours. I feel better now but I am still tired.

Has anyone else ever been affected by a dream in this or a similar way?

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The Cafe / Re: I am enjoying dreaming
« on: November 02, 2019, 01:57:51 AM »
I am so happy for you. Dreams of the good stuff we never knew in our lives are treasures and gifts from our true self.

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« on: October 27, 2019, 02:06:42 AM »
I've been wondering what's worse lately, living with but unaware of having cPTSD from very early childhood emotional abuse (surviving a constantly somewhat out of whack stolen life) for 60+ years or living a life in recovery filled with remorse, embarrassment and regrets for all that I did in my life and all that I missed out on because of this horrendous disorder.

No matter what I am doing now, I find myself virtually locked up in a 24/7 mental jail of sorrow and sadness knowing my life was stolen and had it not been, it could have been so much better, so, so, so much better.

Before discovering this disorder, its cause and its affect on everything I did for 60+ years, I was "happy" awkwardly muddling through life as it was "taught" to me with each day being a "what's next" adventure, for good or bad or both.

Now that my highly effective inner critic, the one and only that nagged me constantly with parental tapes all my life, is gone, that mind space has become occupied by distressful memories of what was, what happened and why. Each of my reactions to those thousands of spontaneously recalled events turns into a profound sadness as the wistful thoughts of how good each of those events could have been had it not been for living a life stolen by that devastating disorder.

I was awkwardly disconcerted but "happier" for 60+ years (back then). I am closer to my true but remorseful self now being forced to mentally reconcile my past. That's a sad, constant process for me now which after several year of this makes me ask if I'm better off now or if I was ignorantly better off, and much more happy, haphazardly wondering through a stolen life back then.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: October 14, 2019, 02:50:17 AM »
How it works for me these days.

Many times a day, usually when doing something that I had done in the past with disorder caused awkwardness, I am filled with embarrassment and regret for not having had the emotional development and social tools to having it have been how it would have been had I been a real person, my true self.

Even a song, smell, taste or memory can trigger this sad type of wasted life moment, and I wish I could go back to do it over right but am left with the stark reality that that instance to have and enjoy that moment so many years ago was stolen from me.

Tonight I woke from a lucid dream in which I was happily looking forward to going to my high school graduation party, a party that never took place. I was going to buy a bound tablet so I could have others write something good about knowing me in school. I had the tablet in hand when I caught myself realizing that could not be done since I had no friends in high school, not one thanks to my disorder created needless, and then thought, in the dream, I would go to the party and explain to everyone,one at a time, why I was not normal for those four years.

Woke up after that thought filled with sadness and regret for those four years of wasted time. The legacy of my recovery process. And this happens all of the time - lot of awkward moments to resolve in 60+ years of living with the disorder.

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