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Messages - Regret

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1
Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: November 16, 2019, 11:52:02 PM »
My dreams continue to be a nightly adventure never knowing what I will dream next or how it will affect me.

I was wondering if anyone ever had a dream in which they became extremely agitated, mad at someone in the dream (for good cause) and yelled at that person for, in dream time, a long period of time. After I stopped yelling, I got into my car to go somewhere and woke up.

That happened to me last night and I woke up, after 8 hours of sleep, totally exhausted, as if I did not sleep at all. I didn't want to get out of bed to make a morning appointment. After the appointment, I went home and slept for another 5 hours. I feel better now but I am still tired.

Has anyone else ever been affected by a dream in this or a similar way?

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The Cafe / Re: I am enjoying dreaming
« on: November 02, 2019, 01:57:51 AM »
I am so happy for you. Dreams of the good stuff we never knew in our lives are treasures and gifts from our true self.

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen Ė Whatís love?
« on: October 27, 2019, 02:06:42 AM »
I've been wondering what's worse lately, living with but unaware of having cPTSD from very early childhood emotional abuse (surviving a constantly somewhat out of whack stolen life) for 60+ years or living a life in recovery filled with remorse, embarrassment and regrets for all that I did in my life and all that I missed out on because of this horrendous disorder.

No matter what I am doing now, I find myself virtually locked up in a 24/7 mental jail of sorrow and sadness knowing my life was stolen and had it not been, it could have been so much better, so, so, so much better.

Before discovering this disorder, its cause and its affect on everything I did for 60+ years, I was "happy" awkwardly muddling through life as it was "taught" to me with each day being a "what's next" adventure, for good or bad or both.

Now that my highly effective inner critic, the one and only that nagged me constantly with parental tapes all my life, is gone, that mind space has become occupied by distressful memories of what was, what happened and why. Each of my reactions to those thousands of spontaneously recalled events turns into a profound sadness as the wistful thoughts of how good each of those events could have been had it not been for living a life stolen by that devastating disorder.

I was awkwardly disconcerted but "happier" for 60+ years (back then). I am closer to my true but remorseful self now being forced to mentally reconcile my past. That's a sad, constant process for me now which after several year of this makes me ask if I'm better off now or if I was ignorantly better off, and much more happy, haphazardly wondering through a stolen life back then.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: October 14, 2019, 02:50:17 AM »
How it works for me these days.

Many times a day, usually when doing something that I had done in the past with disorder caused awkwardness, I am filled with embarrassment and regret for not having had the emotional development and social tools to having it have been how it would have been had I been a real person, my true self.

Even a song, smell, taste or memory can trigger this sad type of wasted life moment, and I wish I could go back to do it over right but am left with the stark reality that that instance to have and enjoy that moment so many years ago was stolen from me.

Tonight I woke from a lucid dream in which I was happily looking forward to going to my high school graduation party, a party that never took place. I was going to buy a bound tablet so I could have others write something good about knowing me in school. I had the tablet in hand when I caught myself realizing that could not be done since I had no friends in high school, not one thanks to my disorder created needless, and then thought, in the dream, I would go to the party and explain to everyone,one at a time, why I was not normal for those four years.

Woke up after that thought filled with sadness and regret for those four years of wasted time. The legacy of my recovery process. And this happens all of the time - lot of awkward moments to resolve in 60+ years of living with the disorder.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: October 06, 2019, 01:18:02 AM »
Itís been awhile and I always wondered when dreaming my life backwards to age 3, some years or events in years did not appear in my dream life reversal.

Within the past two weeks, I think I discovered the answer to my question. During that time, Iíve had 2 dreams of someone I dated for 2 years in the late 80ís, a friend who I worked with a few years in the early 60ís and Iíve had a few dreams similar to my last job but in or as pleasant conditions.

So, my reverse chronological sequence appears to have been neuroplastic healing or constructing new, healthy pathways by going backwards through traumatic events but altering them to make them a positive experience that should have occurred had it not been for cPTSD getting in the way. A neurological healing of sorts.

The next ďtypeĒ of dreams I had over the past 18 months were situational dreams helping me get over any remnants missed in my reverse dreaming or helped me deal with new events that triggered me, helping to free me from the trauma of the recent event in but a few days instead of suffering for months.

The most recent dreams have been pleasant in that I enjoyed the relationship and miss my work friend who tragically died in the late 60ís. And, the work dreams are just fun, the way work should have been had I not been hampered by the disorder or working for a boss who made the last 5 years in that job so emotionally stressful that I developed PTSD on top of my lifelong cPTSD.

Bottom line, I am very fortunate to have this take place while I sleep and the effects of my ďdreamsĒ have indeed dramatically helped with my ongoing recovery.

Itís still two steps forward and one backward and probably will be for the rest of my life in that I know I have to accept who I am, where I came from, deal well with all of my regrets and outright embarrassment of past actions, realize I donít have the time to be reparented, understand I will repeat mistakes made in the past when my guard is weak, own each minute of my life going forward and not beat myself up for errors I make in the future. I think doing that will bring some level of stability and happiness to my daily life.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Thoughts on relying too much on the board?
« on: September 23, 2019, 04:43:18 AM »
I've found that mindful use of the forum has made it a very helpful tool, place or source for discovering, understanding, learning, questioning, sharing (if desired), and getting support from others, when needed, in my efforts to recover and move forward from this dreadful disorder.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: The unfairness of it all
« on: September 01, 2019, 12:15:02 AM »
. . .  I agree with you completely about all of this.

. . . other people feel the same, even if there are not many of us. 

When I first read your post, I did not reply because I also agree but didn't know what to say. I think there are more of us out there than we think. Unraveling all of this at the end ones life leaves one in a lonely, unsupported place. Other than a spouse who for 20 years didn't know why I was the way I was until I understood it all myself (understanding and recovering are two different parts to this disorder) and am now a good person in her eyes, talking with my sister, long talks, only to discover she is worse off than I am but didn't know why until we compared life notes after our mother died (and she has gotten better help and is now off her 20 years of meds since we talked), with me not having enough years left to make therapy a reasonable  option and really, truly, not having a friend in the world, life can be a sad, lonely place filled with memories of what happened, why it happened, what could have been given a better childhood environment and the so many regrets over all that happened things I did that need not have happened. Yes, it is unfair but I find now knowing and going forward with that knowledge helps make life a better place to be, at times.

We are out there and we both understand and support you even if we can't put it into words. I also hope you feel better soon and hope you do well on your exam. Take care,

8
Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: August 27, 2019, 02:47:52 PM »
As a catch up reply, that next night I had a remarkable dream.

During my reverse dreaming after I discovered I had cPTSD, there were time in my life that did not show up in that sequence of dreams that went from my current age to when I was 3 years old. Two of the dreams I did not have were about a person I had a 2 year relationship with about 1970 and another person I had a 3 year relationship in the early '80s. The remarkable dream I had was about both people at the same time. In the late '80s, I discovered that they by chance crossed paths and in their conversations discovered they both dated me. Had I not been suffering from the disorder, either one of the two would or could have been a fine, life long relationship but thanks to my issues, my baggage,, they both left my life because they were not willing or able to deal with me.

Well, in the dream, I saw them both but only talked to the '80s person who told me the first person really didn't want me and I would be better off with the second person. It was a touching, tender and very gentle dream conversation and I woke up with a smile on my face. Nothing sexual in the dream, just hugging, and closure on two parts of my life that were not dealt with in my backwards dreaming sequence that ended up with grown up me talking to my 3 year old self in front of my childhood home.

The next night, two more bad dreams dealing with my last job and an issue I had with my last landlord. Woke up triggered and anxious. The following night, a peaceful, friendly dream. Such is how my sleeping time is spent.

Writing today, a week after starting this topic, because I had a dream last night that was unlike anything before or any place I was ever in or knew. I was reading along with Just Hatched dream topic

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12289.0

dealing with dreaming about things that were "about things I've never actually experienced" and that is what last night was to me. During this dream, I was laying in the fetal position on a couch or bed shaking uncontrollably. There was another person there, a thin, small oriental man. The man was comforting me with words and hugs for what seemed like an hour. I have never done T but this seemed like a T session. He calmed me down to the point I was no longer shaking and I woke up.

My current life for the past few months has had me in a deeply hostile interaction with a person on another forum. That person did a lot of real harm to me with criticism and libel and my hatred and anger toward him turned me into a very bitter person with just the thought of him. I quit that forum months ago but the deep feelings toward him persisted. This morning, after that dream last night, I woke up and laughed at him, the thought of him, the person that he truly is. That dream "exorcised" him from my mind and today I could care less about him, what he did to me or what happened on that other forum. What caused that dream? I got an email from a friend yesterday "preaching" to me that the circumstances of that event made me a very bitter person and I needed to get over my unhealthy feelings toward him. I've known this for months but it wasn't until someone finally and pointedly told me what was happening to me that the dream occurred.

Strange how dreams work, are created, what they can mean, what they are telling us or doing for us while we sleep  be they good scenes or very bad nightmares. I've had dreams, even recurring dreams that made no sense to me and had no effect on my daily life, at least, none that I noticed, but maybe even those are the mind, the brain doing natural neuroplastic redevelopment of new connections to replace those destroyed by the soup of chemicals released into our brains during our times of great trauma. Just my opinion based on what Robert Sapolsky said about chemical imbalance and chronic depression

https://youtu.be/NOAgplgTxfc

and the many, many dreams I've had over my lifetime, especially those since realizing I was suffering from cPTSD caused by a traumatic few years when I was 3 and stopped my social development growth a that time. Nothing like now realizing I live all of my life as a 3 year old with a fawn (please) cPTSD typology until about 3 years ago when I came to know cPTSD. Since then, I've grown up a bit and I think I am now in my early teens.

Can't wait until tonight to see what's next on the playbill.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: August 22, 2019, 09:15:35 PM »
Kizzie,

I think you are right. I am at a stage in my recovery where my mind knows I am ready to take on more "stuff" in dreams for the re-scripting of my life, the next step to work on. Every dream that I've remembers for months, and even years, without writing it down has ended up having something to do with my life changing. I know the dreams I have that are too much for me as forgotten withing seconds of waking up, if remembered even that long.  And, getting a pleasant gift of a dream, the snow cover building top which was quite amazing and remarkable from the moment I stepped on the elevator, seems to be a message to me that the bad dreams aren't taking over, the good stuff, the good times are still there and available to me when needed.

Tonight should be interesting.

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Sleep Issues / Re: My dreams are a changin'
« on: August 22, 2019, 02:07:07 PM »
Thanks, Jazzy. You are right. And I haven't slept well for some time - hard to fall asleep and I wake up tired.

But, sometimes it pays to complain, to write stuff like that down for that alone can cause a change.

Last night I had a simply marvelous dream.

I entered a tall building, got on an elevator. The first person in selected the top floor 9 or 10. The door closed and when it opened, I was standing on the roof of the building. It was a bright, sunshiny day with the sun low on the horizon so it was in my eyes. I shielded my eyes from the sun and discovered the top of the building was rolling hills covered with pure, white snow. The hills blocked my view of the land below so I started to talk up the hill on a path made by someone else. After reaching the top of the nearest hill, no more than 5 or 6 feet high, another hill blocked my view. I headed toward the highest hill and discovered the path ended at a sharp incline, too slippery to climb. Backtracked to where that hill started and took another path that was covered in waist deep, powdery snow. Walked through the snow to the top of the hills to see the landscape below in all directions in bright sun. I noticed a door to a room. Upon entering the room, I saw 3 people working on desks creating things, one was drawing something, another making a collage of 4 inch diameter sparkly covered paper rings, some orange and others silver and another taking a test. All were having difficulty completing their work. And then it began to rain without a cloud in the sky. It rained very hard, so hard that the 3 people decided to leave and the last I saw of them was as they rode their bicycles down a path through the rolling hills, a path surrounded with snow and they were already quite some distance away. I turned back into the room and walked down a curving hallway and when I got to then end, there was an elevator door to go down. I turned to walk back down the hall to the room and woke up.

As I write this, hours after waking up, the dream is still in my memory as clear as when I was dreaming.

Such are my dreams. This one in the more pleasant category. A lot to unpack in that one but at least I woke up with a smile on my face.

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Sleep Issues / My dreams are a changin'
« on: August 21, 2019, 06:47:29 PM »
For the past 2 to 3 years, ever since discovering or realizing I had the cPTSD disorder, my ever lucid dreams have always been helpful and/or entertaining. My dreams were positively therapeutic (at least the ones I would remember).

Over the past week, this has changed and I don't know why. Now I am having dreams about bad events in my within the past 30 years. They are not dreams of past events, not reliving the events, but they include the people in the places as they existed in those not very good events in my life.

One was the narcissist I knew for a few years who did great damage to me telling me I still had my old problem. I asked what that was and they said "you are still in love with yourself." Really? I have no clue where that came from.

Last night I had a dream about being in a workplace, the scene was a combination of two places of employment over my past 30 years,  and involved me and another person being told that the consensus of the company was that in 88% of the things I did, I was found to be or have a negative influence by those I was dealing with while working. The other person was rated at 20% negative.

Both of these had me waking up triggered, not feeling well and questioning what was going on in my dreams. Up until now, I was never criticized in any of my dreams. My dreams were always representations of past events but in a happy, positive and changing for the better script, re-writing my history in a better way than it was. They helped with my recovery.

That seems to have changed now. I'm not looking for an answer to this,, what's going on, just saying I'm not real happy about my dreams turning negative lately and have no idea of where they are going in the future or what effect they will have on me, or my life upon waking. Or my daily life.

If or when they do, I will add to this.

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen Ė Whatís love?
« on: August 12, 2019, 01:25:16 PM »
What a devastating disorder this is. I am fortunate all of the reasons or causes of my living a life under cPTSD are now gone except, of course, for myself. Within the past few months, I have learned to know when I am triggered and that has helped me stop or shorten the pain associated with being triggered.

Over the past year or so, I have progressed in my thinking from being a 3 year old, the age at which the trauma affected me, to somewhere in my teens. But I am growing up alone in uncharted waters and I find myself fully capable of quickly making the same mistakes I made, throughout my entire life, before I discovered why my life was never right, I was suffering from cPTSD, a few years ago.

I recently went through, got myself into a situation spanning several months that slowly ate me up. I knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was and it kept getting worse. I was digging myself into a deep hole daily while looking for responses from others but hearing only crickets. My efforts were based on good intentions but wrong headed - never let a child do an adults work without supervision and at my age, there is no supervision available.

Yesterday I gave up, quit the situation and within an hour or two of removing all interaction with the others involved in that situation, I began to feel better about myself. Didn't know why but I felt relief from something. It was then, while scrolling back through some saved stuff on my phone, that I came across something I had received from Roland Bal months ago, began to read it and discovered what I had gotten myself into and why. I also realize that elimination of the traumatic effects of living with cPTSD does not mean one is free and clear of that disorder's deleterious impact on ones life. He wrote (these 3 paragraphs taken from a longer message from him):

"A pleasing response isnít just used to minimize or avoid further abuse. It is also a way of getting approval, feeling adequate and useful, being seen, and feeling loved and appreciated; so the pleasing response, through being directed continuously outward, serves as a dissociation. It serves as a dissociation for you, so you donít feel constantly overwhelmed by the residual pain of neglect and experienced lack of love in your early formative years.

As with all emotions and feelings, there can be a healthy aspect to receiving appreciation and feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments, though when you are continuously looking outside of yourself for acknowledgment, and you have a lost a sense of containment, it becomes destructive. You are actively devaluing yourself by continually seeking validation from others, and this will make you emotionally unstable and dependent.

On top of that, it becomes harder and harder to interpret other peopleís intentions and responses due to your lack of containment and self-reference; this, in turn, will create a lot of self-doubt and overthinking. Guilt and the fear of having done something wrong can easily take over."

He nailed it and when I first read this months ago, I didn't "get" it but I sure do now. The points he made that perfectly describe the situation I created for myself are in bold above - he said it so much better that I ever could but what he said is a 100% fit to what happened to me over a few months time. I took a giant step backward, fell victim to the disorder once again.

So even after having realized the source of my cPTSD, had all of the parental tapes removed from my head, understood where I came from and why I was the way I was for close to 70 years, I now realize that while the cPSTD affects and pain from my first few years of life set me on a life's course that can now, with active mindfulness, be to some degree minimized, the pattern of living as a fawn that I learned in my first 6 years of life is still there, will always be there and is ready to let me quickly fall into the same predicaments I experienced, I unknowingly got myself into, during my whole life living with the fawn, the "please" typology.

I guess life was going too well for me and my carefree, thoughtless day to day behavior created that situation, opened the trap door, and let me fall into a very bad event. Mindful is now a word that I understand much more clearly and I must be much more mindful of what I do from now on, mindful of what I get involved with and what I expect out of everything I do going forward. And while it is devastating for me to still not have any feelings other than anger, hate and sadness, it is comforting to know that I do not have any feelings for if I did, today would be so much more worse for me thinking about that disastrous situation I got myself into and hopefully am now out of.

All of this recent event just makes me sick to think about what can still happen, can in very subtle way, creep into my life and if not recognized and stopped, can and will take me back into the throws of everything that was wrong with my life. It seems that can happen quickly without constant mindfulness. Children need guidance and I guess the only guidance I can expect at my age is learning from mistakes. The one feeling that I have today is that of great sadness, sad for what I got myself into, sad at how it went down and sad to know I made mistakes. Hopefully, when the sadness goes away, I will have learned something.

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Letters of Recovery / Re: Letters To My Family
« on: June 23, 2019, 10:13:29 PM »
I discovered long ago that what I didn't tell my mother could never come back to hurt me.

I learned during my first 30 years of life that anything I told her was used critically against me to others or used directly against me critically. It was her way or no way. I did not know about cPTSD at that time and kept trying talk to her, to have a relationship with her but that was never going to happen. I tried to do whatever to get her to like me and everything she knew about me came  back in one way or another to hurt me. Nothing I did would make her happy.

After some 30 or 40 years, I gave up trying to have a relationship with her. I stopped telling her anything about me or my life.  I always felt guilty for shutting her out of my life and sad that I could not talk to her. But, those feelings were easier to take than what I would feel after she used something I told her against me.

Not knowing about cPTSD or that I was suffering from it, there was something inside me decades ago that realized being a fawn or please typology with her was futile, not in my best interest in any way. After that, I told her nothing about me, my life or my feelings.

She died about the time I discovered I suffered from cPTSD, about two years ago. Knowing what I do today, I might be able to visit with her in a casual manner but deflecting any questions about my life, having compassion for what she went through, not being confrontational about all that happened to me when young that gave me a lost life, a life without emotions, regrets over what I did unknowingly that hurt others and regrets over all of the opportunities I missed by never having had a chance to live my own life. She could never change, would never understand what I might say and would become defensive if I tried to explain my life to her, this disorder to her. And I know anything personal that I said would come back to hurt me in one way or another. I tried to talk to her once in the 80's and remember her reaction well. It was not a good few days. Maybe it was about then that I quit telling her anything about me.

I felt bad about not being able to say anything to her over 20+ years but I know, in real life fact, that nothing came back to hurt me over those 20+ years.
While I have no regrets about not telling her anything for so long, I know that having to do so makes me sad at a deep level and is an emotional hole in my life.

We are all in different places in this disorder but it seems the replies above from others supports or justifies my personal decisions. It helps me feel better about shutting her out. I hope this anecdotal story helps a bit in what to send to your mother.

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This is an absolutely wonderful topic for me. Iíve read through it several times. Each time it opens up new insights into my life as it is today, what I missed out of in the past and together that presents a future that scares the heck out of me.

Reading through also sparks feelings that Iíve never had before, good feelings that encourage me to keep moving forward.

So thank you to all who have contributed to this topic. Your words have helped me greatly.

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen Ė Whatís love?
« on: June 19, 2019, 04:49:03 PM »
Had a very interesting dream last night, first one of this type, ever.

The dream had me and my ex in a room and I was trying to figure out something, paying all my attention to a problem and not my ex. My ex said to me, we are both here now and you are giving all your attention to that problem. I got up and held my ex tightly and said "I'm sorry, I love you and would not be able to live my life without you" and I woke up. I felt true love in that dream when I said those words.

I remembered what that dream moment felt like for about an hour after waking. It's the first time in my life that I've had that feeling and having those words flow naturally, honestly and with sincerity. Now, a few hours later, the intense emotion I had in the dream is gone but I still have a deep down but faint feeling of what I felt in that dream.

Hopefully, my mind, in its 6 decade long neuroplastic regeneration, has managed to create a new pathway to that emotion and over time it will grow. In my dream, it really felt good to say those words in a tight embrace and mean it, deeply. Being my NC ex of nearly 30 years now didn't matter. We parted on relatively good terms and the feeling in the dream was more important that the person I was with.

The downside of this dream event is the sadness and regret I now have over not being able to have experienced that feeling at anytime prior to this dream.

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