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Messages - zeekoctane

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Other / Re: TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« on: September 13, 2020, 10:06:01 PM »
Thank you. I did doggy foster care for years. I had a total of 36 doggies through a local vet clinic. I do not know if it really helped me or not, but I tried. I have not done EDMR but do Brainspotting which is a bit similar. It is a very hard process. It seems that I will never recover from this nightmare and the anguish it causes. I do not really have a support network, so i come here when my pot is over flowing. Thank you again.

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Other / TRIGGER ALERT. Guilt, confusion, and where do I go now
« on: August 10, 2020, 07:12:02 PM »
Please do not read if you are sensitive to IATC [intentional animal torture and cruelty ].

My M had BPD and My F had APPD (antisocial/psychopathic personality Disorder). I was doomed from the start. I grew up with my M telling me that I was just like my F (he was killed in a farming accident when I was an infant). My F was notorious for IATC and zoosadism because of his upbringing. He continually did these things. When I was in 2nd grade my mom started taking me to a farm run by some of her friends. Here, I was forced to participate in various forms of IATC because my mom told me I was just like my dad. She made me do this many times over the next 3 years until that family went to jail for their actions. I hated it. I pleaded to not go, but was too young to not go. I had to obey or suffer the consequences. She stated this would prove to me that I was like him. Needless to say, This has haunted me all day everyday of my life. I just do not know how to get the images out of my head. I need help. My T says they will fade in time, but when?

Everything is a trigger because I live in a farming community and tv is full of shows and commercials with animals. I am looking for ideas on desensitizing my triggers.

And no, I am not just like my F.

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General Discussion / it is all so complicated.
« on: July 17, 2020, 09:01:55 PM »
I need to ask question about extremely sensitive topics. Where do I put them? Or how do I mark them? They are related to religious cults, sexual abuse, and zoosadism. I can keep it all inside my head, but I feel the need to ask opinions.

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General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: November 02, 2019, 12:50:29 AM »
Thanks. I think I will talk to my T about him going along. It is hard though. I know he cares but he just gets it all wrong. On occasion I will try and explain something to him. He says he understands but ends up making light of it in conversation for several weeks after. It makes me not want to talk. I like how you stated this is not a 12 step addiction. It is completely different. I never really looked at it like that. Thanks.

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General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: November 01, 2019, 10:47:56 PM »
Thank you all. I haven't considered taking him with me to my T because I am afraid that I will get triggered with him in there and not be able to say a word. I guess he could just talk to her. I have also not thought about looking for a good video. He might watch one of those quicker than reading a book. It all seems so complicated and I feel a bit overwhelmed with trying to heal myself, trying to make him understand, raise my child, and other life stuff. I would say I am nearing my all time lowest point in life. I will get through, it just seems like an impossible mountain to climb.

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General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 25, 2019, 10:53:34 PM »
I have tried them. The problem I have is most of that or other calming music draws a constant memory of my mom telling me that satanic messages are implanted in it and I should not listen to it. It has become  a mild trigger for me. I love music, don't get me wrong, but I can get past it. Thank you though.

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General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 25, 2019, 01:41:38 PM »
Thank you again for your support. the "just get over it" or "your mom didn't mean anything by it" comments are hard. It does not validate any thing I am going through. I do feel alone even when he says he is there for me. I do not think he truly understands the magnitude of the impact of trauma. I was wondering if any of you have ideas of ways to relax. I am at 90%- 95% max stress all of the time. I am tired but I cannot seem to find anything to stop the mind. My T says even if it is a small fraction of relief it will benefit me, but I can't seem to find anything. Reading, writing, coloring, deep breathing. I am out of ideas.

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General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 22, 2019, 10:35:20 PM »
Thank you all. I like the idea of a paper to let him know I cannot talk. I have been keeping a note pad to write him after I get out of the moment so he can try and understand what was happening. Sometimes he receives it well and other times he thinks it is time to get over it. My upbringing causes me to have triggers from people, environment, and religious things, so there is a ton of them and they are all intertwined. I bought a book for him to read about it so he will get a better understanding of my reactions to triggers he doesn't see. I hope he will read it. In the mean time, thanks for your encouragement. I feel alone sometimes and just need a non-condescending word.

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General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 22, 2019, 12:47:50 AM »
I do not really know. His tone when he says stuff like that is a trigger for me, so I just stop talking and stare blankly, which annoys him. I have been working hard at trying to talk to him but these things set me so far back. I just don't know.

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General Discussion / therapy vs. family
« on: October 21, 2019, 09:13:43 PM »
I have been trying to open up to my husband about my recovery. He is under the impression it should be like AA and then all is fixed. I told him today that my counselor told me I need to find something that relaxes me and then we can focus on changing responses to the triggers. Because of my childhood, I have countless triggers. So, I told my husband what I am working on this week and he replies something about my creating all of these triggers so I do not have to do anything I don't want to or go places I don't want to. He says I control what they are so it is convenient for me. I am so frustrated. He wants me to share but he tears me down when I do. Anyways. I am not using these as a means of getting out of something. I work very hard and I am a full time student. I take care of my family. He is closed minded and not willing to read up on cptsd.

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General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 24, 2019, 08:43:02 PM »
Thankyou. I have an appointment set for the 1st. I don't mean to be wishy-washy, I guess I am just tired.

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General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 19, 2019, 08:32:25 PM »
I have spoken with his doctors and they say it is fine. I have made arrangements with my brother and our bags are set if we need to go. The problem is my H has no one to care for him. We have been close a few times, but have not gone. I feel like a person who is between a rock and a hard place. Maybe I can find my strength here. Thank you for caring.

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General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 19, 2019, 04:31:13 PM »
Thank you all. I have tried many times to get him to read up on CPTSD but he is not interested. My healing process has been long and drawn out because he is not very supportive of me. He wants a quick fix for my problems so he can get on with his life. I find myself saying, "I'm sorry." about a million times a week. I know this is not my fault, but I still feel the need to say it. I have recently switched to a new T who has offered me many positive approaches to help myself, but not so much on how to interact with my H.

There has always been a bit of a struggle in our marriage because of my CPTSD, but it has come to an overwhelming pinnacle since his injury (meds). I have all I can do to keep my son's life normal. I do not want him to suffer the consequences of such rough waters. There are things I have to do because of the medications (i.e. sleep on the couch to make sure he is not cooking in the middle of the night and burn the house down or driving because he has no memory of what he does). I feel the need to stay awake to keep my son safe because what if my H thinks there is a burglar when really it is my son.. These actions (too many to list) compound my already complicated actions from dealing with CPTSD. I do not get rest and cannot focus on healing myself.

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General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 17, 2019, 12:49:02 AM »
Thank you. I will look them up. This is not an impossible situation, but very overwhelming.

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General Discussion / Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« on: June 16, 2019, 09:34:57 PM »
Wow. What a powerful story. I felt as though I was reading my own biography. I do not know what "love" is, but I have learned that people show love differently. I, myself, cannot understand or comprehend the definition, but I have defined my own love for my family as doing everything I can for them. Is it right, I don't know. But I needed to try and identify with what "love" is and that is all I could come up with. My T recommended the book, "The 5 Love Languages." I have not read it yet but am hoping my husband and I can read it together.

Best of luck.

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