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Messages - zeekoctane

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General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: November 02, 2019, 12:50:29 AM »
Thanks. I think I will talk to my T about him going along. It is hard though. I know he cares but he just gets it all wrong. On occasion I will try and explain something to him. He says he understands but ends up making light of it in conversation for several weeks after. It makes me not want to talk. I like how you stated this is not a 12 step addiction. It is completely different. I never really looked at it like that. Thanks.

General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: November 01, 2019, 10:47:56 PM »
Thank you all. I haven't considered taking him with me to my T because I am afraid that I will get triggered with him in there and not be able to say a word. I guess he could just talk to her. I have also not thought about looking for a good video. He might watch one of those quicker than reading a book. It all seems so complicated and I feel a bit overwhelmed with trying to heal myself, trying to make him understand, raise my child, and other life stuff. I would say I am nearing my all time lowest point in life. I will get through, it just seems like an impossible mountain to climb.

General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 25, 2019, 10:53:34 PM »
I have tried them. The problem I have is most of that or other calming music draws a constant memory of my mom telling me that satanic messages are implanted in it and I should not listen to it. It has become  a mild trigger for me. I love music, don't get me wrong, but I can get past it. Thank you though.

General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 25, 2019, 01:41:38 PM »
Thank you again for your support. the "just get over it" or "your mom didn't mean anything by it" comments are hard. It does not validate any thing I am going through. I do feel alone even when he says he is there for me. I do not think he truly understands the magnitude of the impact of trauma. I was wondering if any of you have ideas of ways to relax. I am at 90%- 95% max stress all of the time. I am tired but I cannot seem to find anything to stop the mind. My T says even if it is a small fraction of relief it will benefit me, but I can't seem to find anything. Reading, writing, coloring, deep breathing. I am out of ideas.

General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 22, 2019, 10:35:20 PM »
Thank you all. I like the idea of a paper to let him know I cannot talk. I have been keeping a note pad to write him after I get out of the moment so he can try and understand what was happening. Sometimes he receives it well and other times he thinks it is time to get over it. My upbringing causes me to have triggers from people, environment, and religious things, so there is a ton of them and they are all intertwined. I bought a book for him to read about it so he will get a better understanding of my reactions to triggers he doesn't see. I hope he will read it. In the mean time, thanks for your encouragement. I feel alone sometimes and just need a non-condescending word.

General Discussion / Re: therapy vs. family
« on: October 22, 2019, 12:47:50 AM »
I do not really know. His tone when he says stuff like that is a trigger for me, so I just stop talking and stare blankly, which annoys him. I have been working hard at trying to talk to him but these things set me so far back. I just don't know.

General Discussion / therapy vs. family
« on: October 21, 2019, 09:13:43 PM »
I have been trying to open up to my husband about my recovery. He is under the impression it should be like AA and then all is fixed. I told him today that my counselor told me I need to find something that relaxes me and then we can focus on changing responses to the triggers. Because of my childhood, I have countless triggers. So, I told my husband what I am working on this week and he replies something about my creating all of these triggers so I do not have to do anything I don't want to or go places I don't want to. He says I control what they are so it is convenient for me. I am so frustrated. He wants me to share but he tears me down when I do. Anyways. I am not using these as a means of getting out of something. I work very hard and I am a full time student. I take care of my family. He is closed minded and not willing to read up on cptsd.

General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 24, 2019, 08:43:02 PM »
Thankyou. I have an appointment set for the 1st. I don't mean to be wishy-washy, I guess I am just tired.

General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 19, 2019, 08:32:25 PM »
I have spoken with his doctors and they say it is fine. I have made arrangements with my brother and our bags are set if we need to go. The problem is my H has no one to care for him. We have been close a few times, but have not gone. I feel like a person who is between a rock and a hard place. Maybe I can find my strength here. Thank you for caring.

General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 19, 2019, 04:31:13 PM »
Thank you all. I have tried many times to get him to read up on CPTSD but he is not interested. My healing process has been long and drawn out because he is not very supportive of me. He wants a quick fix for my problems so he can get on with his life. I find myself saying, "I'm sorry." about a million times a week. I know this is not my fault, but I still feel the need to say it. I have recently switched to a new T who has offered me many positive approaches to help myself, but not so much on how to interact with my H.

There has always been a bit of a struggle in our marriage because of my CPTSD, but it has come to an overwhelming pinnacle since his injury (meds). I have all I can do to keep my son's life normal. I do not want him to suffer the consequences of such rough waters. There are things I have to do because of the medications (i.e. sleep on the couch to make sure he is not cooking in the middle of the night and burn the house down or driving because he has no memory of what he does). I feel the need to stay awake to keep my son safe because what if my H thinks there is a burglar when really it is my son.. These actions (too many to list) compound my already complicated actions from dealing with CPTSD. I do not get rest and cannot focus on healing myself.

General Discussion / Re: At a loss
« on: June 17, 2019, 12:49:02 AM »
Thank you. I will look them up. This is not an impossible situation, but very overwhelming.

General Discussion / Re: A life stolen – What’s love?
« on: June 16, 2019, 09:34:57 PM »
Wow. What a powerful story. I felt as though I was reading my own biography. I do not know what "love" is, but I have learned that people show love differently. I, myself, cannot understand or comprehend the definition, but I have defined my own love for my family as doing everything I can for them. Is it right, I don't know. But I needed to try and identify with what "love" is and that is all I could come up with. My T recommended the book, "The 5 Love Languages." I have not read it yet but am hoping my husband and I can read it together.

Best of luck.

General Discussion / At a loss
« on: June 16, 2019, 09:15:04 PM »
I don't know where to start. It has been a long week (or life) and I am looking for ideas or help. My CPTSD is a result of coming from a single parent home with the only parent having BPD. It was very difficult and still is. My mom died about 9 years ago and I thought it would get easier because she wasn't breathing down my neck, but it has not. The plot thickens because my husband of 23ish years does not think CPTSD is real and I should just get over it because every one has a rough childhood. He has continued to blame me for all of his life problems because somehow I created them. I am, apparently the reason for all of his life struggles. For the past 3 years, he has been on many very heavy hitting medications for an injury and has been increasingly coming down on me for wrecking his life. His mood swings are directly related to the cycle of medication in the day. I feel helpless because I know he acts the way he does primarily because of the medication, but that does not stop the hurt. He has now resorted to lecturing me in the same manner that my mom did for my entire life. In a nut shell, he is my trigger and my mom now. I have been in therapy to try and resolve childhood issues but it has become complicated with his "new" role.
Any ideas would be appreciated.

General Discussion / Re: brainspotting
« on: April 27, 2019, 12:50:54 PM »
Thank you. I have done the brain spotting but find I now continually stare at the spot. We are moving on to this new thing, but I cannot find and information on it.

General Discussion / Re: Becoming a Theacher with CPTSD?
« on: April 26, 2019, 10:09:39 PM »
I do not know your entire story but can relate. I have always wanted to teach but was afraid of my emotional state. 2 years ago I decided I needed to do it for me and am now in my last semester of classes. I am both very excited and nervous about student teaching. When I see a troubled youth or read a certain book I have to stop and try and control my emotions. I don't know how it will work but I must try. I must succeed. For myself. For my family. I am trying to take control instead of it controlling me.

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