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Messages - johnram

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Hi JR, just wanted to suggest you see your physician or therapist about this as we can't diagnose or even talk about something like schizophrenia/psychosis b/c we don't have any lived experience/background/training except with CPTSD. I will say I've haven't come across either in the academic literature about comorbid physical/psychological illnesses/conditions though.

I have talked to a couple of therapists, and they said that i didnt display factors that would give them concern, however the thought came back up hence the ask

Not a doctor or therapist or anything but I am in school and have recently taken abnormal psychology.  Schizophrenia onset usually happens in late adolescent or early twenties. According to the text books for my classes. Obviously there are other factors but there is also usually a highly genetic factor as well.

Hope this helps.

thank you, that is my understanding too


I am trying to understand my risk of developing schizophrenia/psychosis, given my mother had it. I have had a lot of trauma, hence the ask.

So for context, my mother had post natal after i was born, but that later became schizophrenia. It has stayed with her since (over 30 years) and has mostly used Depixol to treat it.

Now, we had a traumatic childhood and more trauma beyond, and have gotten through all that. I am now 37 and given the following factors i dont think i have a risk but just want to check and understand:

- my mothers family doesnt have schizophrenia, it appears very situational (bad arranged marriage, first time leaving her home country)
- my father doesnt and neither does any of his family
- my brothers and i have had a traumatic upbringing and that hasnt posed a risk
- i have done lsd twice, and didnt impact me, also did some weed, my brother did some other drugs and was fine
- Have gone through depression and addictions myself and come out ok
- my age is much older than when a man should get it (i am 37 and i believe nearing the drop off for no risk?)
- I dont have any symptoms etc
- her circumstances were specific

hope that sets a scene, and appreciate any guidance. as i have had my own mental health journey, this is just one thing i want to understand given i feel i have moved forward a lot.

thank you kindly

I think i have realised that i am trying to run rather than walk, and that isnt going to help anyone.  Also the challenge is what i needed.  The post made me really question motives etc, and i think they arent clear yet and my relational approach / empathy as a result of my developmental trauma, needs more work. 

I did over-emphasise the empathy gap however, but it is something i know i need to work on. 

thank you

Appreciate you commenting, I need and want that type of challenge.

I also have maybe over-emphasised the wrong aspects in this post, however the way men relate, is quite different, and i expect to work with men anyway (and have already been doing so)

coming back on this, as i needed to think a bit further.

Put simple, i think my biggest gap is empathy actually, as a child and the eldest child i was cut off from feelings as part of neglect / disassociation - its why the addictions took place etc. I understand that now. Empathy is something that has been coming through as i have worked on myself and really felt the pain i needed to work through - put another way, when you cant feel yourself its impossible to empathise. That being said, i have always wanted to help others, likely for the wrong reasons, but now, it feels its in my gift, in that so many Ts dont understand, cant relate. Now i feel it more, still working on empathy and its really shifted in the last year plus.

So i think then the question is, why become a therapist, well i am good at challenging - that isnt as much of an issue for me (but i am careful with it), i am also very good at investigating and understanding the story from both an impact point of view, and working on the empathy part.

I do believe this is a job i would be fulfilled in, my old skin of working has changed, and i want to work in a way that really has meaning, and i think this type of work will really help me develop solid boundaries, which is something i have also learnt in last few years and still implementing

So as much as boundaries in this profession are super key, i think in life being generous, and giving within reason is fine, as there are not enough people doing enough good, i see and feel so much pain and suffering out there. I look at homeless people so differently now, one because i can see how that was not far from my path but also, the pain to get there, and the strength to survive it, but also i observe that most people cant comprehend, and dont even try to appreciate anothers suffering.

a curse and a blessing to be able to share in anothers pain i think is what i feel, and that draws me to help.

That being said, keen to hear views and thoughts as i want to be challenged on this

Sleep Issues / Re: Lack of dreams - what does it mean / impact?
« on: June 01, 2019, 07:18:26 PM »
Thank you Bluepalm / Regret

i appreciate what you both say, and think my dreams are sometimes revealed to me, but rarely.  when i started EMDR i was told it was like my trauma had blocked it out also, and it would come back but may take a while.
hasnt come back yet but recently had better sleep

i think once they do come back i hope to write them down, as you are right, the insight from the unconscious can be really revealing, as i have found from EMDR

thank you

Sorry to hear that experience, and that he made you feel that way.

I was trying to consider what reasonable perspective could this come from, but i struggled.  There are grounds of saying to get away from anger, and move on, forgiveness in that context could make some sense but that isnt what your post reveals.

It sounds like he has a very fixed mindset and his way fits all, i have had an older male therapist who was like that and he was awful, his ego was always in the room. 
Hope they can find a way to remove him.
glad you posted, glad you also spoke to leader

thank you, i appreciate that, and feel similar.  I think my confidence is wavey because its a big decision, and i do want to maintain certain lifestyle aspects, in particular so i can support the work and myself at a reasoned standard.

 I have a simple feeling that wins though and has been repeated - "there arent enough people doing good, and that calls me, as much as i could challenge it and say its part of my bad parenting as being the giver, its something that might be worth embracing but with boundaries this time"

(weird quoting myself)

I have sat infront of many a therapist, they dont get it, or they do to some degree, but rarely do they get the depth and nuances.  Its why i find these forums exceptional, people understand, they may have a different approach (always useful) but its welcome.

In this world, with all the bad that goes on, and even though my parents used me and in some ways made me "a giver", having now understand more and more what happened to me, and why i have cPTSD symptoms and associated problems, i feel i want to help in the future as a therapist. 

Keen to take views and thoughts to that question?

Additionally though, i keep reading and have been told qualified therapists dont earn much, now as an aside, that isnt my motivation but it does matter, and i am really confused as i see therapists charging fair money in my opinion, and appreciate they may not see more than say 25-30 clients a week, but suprised they dont earn sufficiently (someone else said this again recently to me)

anyway, i am rambling, but just wanted some thoughts

thank you

Therapy / Re: Emdr not clinically indicated for cptsd?
« on: May 23, 2019, 09:30:58 AM »
Thank you John ram I really appreciate your sharing and honest reflection..

you are most welcome, and do reach out if you want to ask

there is someone on youtube i recommend -
Pooky Knightsmith Mental Health

this video
EMDR: 3 things I wish I'd known before I started trauma therapy

I can understand that
i am not religious, but was raised in a deeply religious household, and understand the comfort aspects
glad you have that

so what you have articulated is basically how i am feeling confused

tv / internet - freeze, alongside other addictions / numbing

fight response - had for many teen years, then socialised, but then became passive / timed at work in particular with alpha men/women, and passive aggresive in personal relationships
And some more fawn/ flight aspects too

however, feeling through some of my healing, i am getting more centered, so i can own that fight a bit more, and weaken the flight stuff too

how are you finding the journey?

thank you for sharing also, it helps me contextualise

General Discussion / Re: TRE - Trauma releasing exercises
« on: May 22, 2019, 03:08:53 PM »
no worries, maybe someone else will

hope you are well?

General Discussion / TRE - Trauma releasing exercises
« on: May 22, 2019, 11:59:35 AM »
Wondererd if anyone has tried or uses TRE - Trauma releasing exercises, and how they found it?

i tried it once in a class, and wasnt sure what to make of it, but thinking of trying again, but having these forums makes me feel less like a one man bad on a mission to fix myself, so thought i would ask


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