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Messages - johnram

#1
thank you, i think thats how i feel, that there is at least a personal truth here

Quote from: dollyvee on November 22, 2021, 08:54:04 PM
Hi John,

Thank you for sharing that. I've read that the things our minds create are real to us if that makes sense. In IFS your part are real to you, and not just if they're a tangible thing. I wonder if would be helpful you could view your experience the same way.

Sending you support going through this.

dolly
#2
I have been struggling with my healing journey, and i get angered it takes as long as it does. 
What has been helping it is some plant medicines, as much as they scare me also. 

That said, they have opened up this realm of disassociation and trauma that my EMDR never got near and EMDR did help but not this core stuff. 

It all relates to my mother and her schizophrenia and how as an infant / baby i was terrified of her but yet i needed her (my dad wasnt around much / the family she married into did not know she was becoming schizophrenic post my birth - it was initially just post natal depression).  I have also experienced how she needed me as an older child, to fit into this new family (she had moved countries for marriage).  I have also come into experiencing that when i was that infant i had to shut down heavily, it was terrifying - without specifics. 

Anyway, this morning, i was half asleep and half awake in bed, and i had a flash that she may have tried to kill me as an infant, or at least thats what it felt like, reflecting how scared i was of her as she was going schizophrenic.

I dont know what to do with this, as its not something i can confirm, it feels that it could have truth to it, and would add to the complexity of my trauma that is only now being revealed.  Its just when its so early, i am at a loss as to how to heal that baby. 

Sorry i started this with a question but i started crying midway, and so i have lost that.  But i am now just sharing.

thank you for reading.
 

#3
Announcements / Re: Admin Work
November 21, 2021, 07:48:06 AM
Thank you

I believe the email alerts system isnt working anymore?  if that can be fixed, or maybe thats with the site developer
#4
General Discussion / Re: Unreal
November 19, 2021, 10:07:20 AM
in your words with no details, i know you, you are me and i feel you. 

I sense the strength there, and you are right, people dont understand but underneath the layer there is a strength there and a vast array of coping skills

whatever is going on now, might be hard, but just remember you have come through the worst of worst before

you can now, choose your response

thank you for sharing in the manner you have - i gain from it to

Quote from: jamesG.1 on November 19, 2021, 07:54:51 AM
I have a very stark choice here I think. It's maybe a bit of a sink or swim moment.

I either weather this, or I go down.

I've learned so much about trauma, and about how I prsonally react to it, for better or worse, and I have a toolkit I didn't have before. It doesnt matter how severe and horrible this is, and trust me, it really is, I can still manage it.

I'm going to start by limiting who knows about the story to the absolute bare minimum. Allies only. Work knows and are being amazing. That's something I never had before. Next I am going to use this to draw a line under the whole saga. Thing is, it doesn't matter how obscene or severe an incident may be, it's not you. As the stoics say, you can at least decide how you feel things, and how you react. Feelings are OPTIONAL.

I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.

Not this time.

I've done enough.

There is my life, then there are the actions of others. I cannot control that, I can only control how I react and live with these stories. Yes, this is a terrible twist on an already ghastly story, but it isn't something I had any control over. It will likely be claimed I had some responsibilty, because that's what narcicists always do, but of course I didn't.

Hold the line.
#5
I know what you speak of very well Dante, i have only lived working or with addictions.  I know nothing else. 

Therapists ask - you must have hobbies, my addictions have been my "hobbies".  Its hard to change such a strong coping mechanism

good luck to you and the continued trying, it can be done, i have defeated others before


Quote from: Dante on November 18, 2021, 12:59:57 PM
For me, the problem is simple.  The solution is hard, but the problem is simple.  I too spent years debating "why" I was an addict.  Was it punishment?   To me?  To others?  Was it numbing?  Coping?  Self harm?  The answer I found was "yes".  But at the core, the real reason addiction was and is so hard for me to beat is simply that I abnegated all of my feelings, my worth, my purpose, my sense of self, because it was the only way to survive.  There is no "me" anymore.  The only "selfish" thing I have left is my addiction.  Despite the fact that I *want* to give it up, giving it up means giving up the last piece of "me".  If I'm honest, I'm afraid that when that's gone, I'll just blow away like dust in the wind.

That doesn't mean I won't stop trying.  I've made some real progress in the last few years, but also had some regressions.  The only thing that will stop me from trying to heal from my addictions and from my trauma is when I'm dead.  So maybe that means there is some "me" still there, still fighting.  I see the same in you.  Don't give up.  Keep looking for different ways to attack the problem, because it's a multifaceted problem.  It won't be an easy fix, for you, or for me.  But we are worth it.
#6
Been wanting to read this full chain, havent done so yet

Larry - i am also an addict, the remaining addiction is porn and the hardest to beat (which has been with me since i was 12 - i am 39), but before its been gambling, food and a few other things i wont go into. 

Different things have helped me, and although therapists have helped in part, mostly its been driven by me, loosening the grip.  The biggest thing that helped me was Gabor Mates book - realm of hungry ghosts, particularly the process defined in the appendix

Using CBT and other behaviour adjustments help you get through the interim, and any day not using is a win, any time you stop the urge is a win.  Long term though i think other things are needed.

Underneath it all, there is a pain, there is likely a child still scared, and wanting love or wanting attention or protection, and rather than feel that stuff, we do the things we do.  Little by little i have found, by revealing that pain and sending love to my younger parts - its getting easier (its been a battle).  I have met many an addict who stops the behaviour but doesnt resolve the pain, i find this hard, as i want to stop the behaviour but thats never worked for me, for this addiction.   

bit by bit, crying will help, i sense you are heading that way, and sending love to you brother

hope that offers something

much love
#7
Music / Songs that connect us to our feelings / trauma
November 17, 2021, 07:39:26 AM
Hi all,

I have a lot of songs that connect me to my trauma, as a means of helping me get into processing.  Some bring up sadness, some bring up anger, some bring up loneliness - but i see it as processing as i am blocked off.

Here are some of mine:

- i will survive by gloria gaynor
- Nothing else matters (metallica)
- Concrete Angle (Martina McBride)
- It shouldnt hurt to be a child (very triggering) - unsure of writter
- I dont care by Apocalyptica

keen to see what others have also?
thanks

#8
the last line, is where i land.  thats the hard part for me too

Quote from: rainydiary on November 16, 2021, 01:59:54 PM

For me, it is tough to separate all of that stuff from how I feel most days.
#9
I had a similar response on the generational trauma thing, i think we need to fix what is ours, and accept that our parents might be messed up but its not our fault - we can have empathy, but we still deserved better - it isnt an excuse!!

my take anyway


Quote from: rainydiary on November 16, 2021, 01:43:27 PM
I think it makes sense that a lot of what we face as adults is the result of our upbringing. 

I have also been thinking a lot about how the trauma of my parents and grandparents and other ancestors are encoded in my genes.  They are encoded in my genes because those folks weren't able to face or understand or acknowledge their trauma.

This honestly messes with my head because it is hard to reconcile how I was with treated with the knowledge that my parents weren't/aren't ok either.
#10
thanks for that, i still dont have a sense of flashbacks, but have been told i may be permanently in one - dont know
another for the list

Quote from: rainydiary on November 16, 2021, 01:49:36 PM
johnram, I think I meant my inner child has been trying to talk to me and I haven't been listening.  I went through a time where I was better at listening and lately I haven't.  Instead I've been very hard on myself.

I am coming to realize that right now my triggers are more internal and that I have been in either one or various EFs for a while.  I haven't necessarily picked up on it because nothing much outside of me has happened.  I recently re-read a chapter in Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book about emotional flashbacks and it was helpful to me in understanding this.
#11
I feel the same @Bermuda

I first went to therapy with addiction, and then slowly it became clear there was more, but my first therapist never used the word trauma or something similar - i despise her for this, and a few other things. 

Talking talking and talking about how i was in the present never considered my childhood properly. 

Its why i think CBT is nonsense, its tape rather than root cause fixing


#12
Glad to meet you @sweetsixty

That book is wonderful isnt it.  Such an easy ready with the dialogue back and forth.  Oprah put me off initially but its such a great book, so clear and simple.

I love the story of the boy and the smell of the aftershave, just shows how these things impact the nervous system at such a deep and unconsious level



Quote from: sweetsixty on November 16, 2021, 08:09:41 AM
I've just finished reading "What Happened to You" By Oprah Winfrey and Dr Bruce Parry and it's the best book I've ever read on this issue. Believe me I've read many!

If the theories are correct then much of today's maladies are based in childhood trauma. The explanation in there of how indigenous people deal with trauma, which lets face it, has been a part of the human existence forever although different now to the woolly mammal phase, is very illuminating.

From depression to bipolar to ADHD and CPTSD.  The explanation of the brains development and the susceptibility of the infant brain to real physiological change is a real eye opener. I highly recommend it. It's definitely made me re-examine  all my relationships and view my children and grandchildren in a different light. I also saw my M for what she was but that doesn't mean I forgive her.
#13
I am a little confused, and i think its the word "acceptance"

for me there is a conotation of allowing absolvement, and letting it be.  As my gran would say "just forgive and forget"

I think before acceptance there needs to be a sense of loss, there needs to be a sense of grief, and there needs to be anger - it needs to be felt, as hard as that is.  I say that, as in the end, we are carrying the burden, and we wont get acceptance from FOO.  Its the impact they wont accept, and we have to live with, so how do we do that.

We need to come to terms with it, and have to become selfishless in love with who we are, and give our childparts lots of love (i am crying typing this), as they never got that, and were abused, abandoned, neglected or whatever. 
#14
I was just thinking about this again, its such a good point in many ways for me.  I have parts in me that say "it wasnt that bad", "they still loved you", "you are making some parts up"....etc

But then i look at my self care, and then think back to childhood where:

- i was often the first one awake at home, and went to school with no breakfast for all my years until i was 13 and i started giving myself breakfast
- unless i go to work, i dont really wash or do self care
- my sleep timings for years were allover the place (now i am good at 10pm)
- my eating habits were terrible / i had a food addiction (gorged on sweets)

these things, tell me there wasnt any guidance, or advice or help.....thats neglect.  I sometimes focus on the big trauma,s but this neglect is more damaging, running with the stream of abandonment in childhood and in turn the childs abandonment of the selfs needs, as thats what we were taught

sorry for ramble, but i think i am speaking inside myself as i write this, as there are parts still hoping for a loving FOO, but love is action, love is meeting a childs needs, as a child is all need.  Love is not saying a few words when convenient, love is action, love is protection, love is safety and care.......

#15
@Rainydiary

i have recently been doing IFS and only since, have had my inner child reach out.  Its quite wonderful.  If i may ask, when you say reaching out, what do you mean?  for me - i think my inner child has been talking to me for year through songs in my head and now, sometimes bodily sensations

thanks

Quote from: rainydiary on November 15, 2021, 09:59:10 PM
This post is really resonating right now.  My inner child has been reaching out to me for a several weeks now and I haven't been picking up the signals.  I've been stuck in my fear of "messing up again."

I love my work with students and have worked with many students that I now know are experiencing CPTSD (I don't think they know it).  Someone I know well has reminded me it might be helpful to talk to myself like I would one of my students.  That has helped me sometimes.