Messages

Welcome, SeekFreedom!

In my experience, the first post is the most difficult.  So give yourself a big pat on the back for taking this step.  You are among a very supportive group of people.  It is so validating to be among those who will listen and offer insight from their own experiences.

I wish you all the best on your journey and look forward to hearing more from you.

Here is a big hug, if you are OK with it.

Greetings OSUJH and all who post here,

Here is my experience with EMDR.

I went through a series of 9 EMDR sessions (from October to December of 2018) at the recommendation of my regular therapist.  My therapist (her specialty is treatment of trauma) supplied the referral as that was how this EMDR specialist works.

Before the EMDR sessions I was having profound physical reactions to a particular childhood incident.  It was affecting my everyday life.  I couldn't drive or walk by certain areas without experiencing these horrid reactions.

I saw the EMDR specialist for 9 sessions.  The very intense sessions (there were three) lasted for an hour and 40 minutes.  I've never cried so much in my whole life!  In preparation for this intense work, she was made certain I had a strongly established safe place.  And before the intense sessions  were over she made certain that I had all I needed for a safe aftermath.  She also made certain that I had a regular session with my regular therapist soon after.  The sessions were draining, but thanks to her skills, I always left the office with a renewed vigor and hope for my future.

The final result is that I'm in a much better place in terms of the traumas that I processed with EMDR.  I am able to deal with them more effectively in my regular therapy and can handle triggers regarding those events much more effectively than I would have believed possible.

Of course this is my personal experience.  EMDR isn't for everyone but it made a world of difference for me. 

I wish you strength and renewed sense of peace on your journey.   Here is a big safe hug for you, if that's OK.

Feral Child

Dear Hope 67 - Thank you for your kind and understanding reply.  Please don't feel concern for not replying sooner.  I've been away from the forum processing a lot of stuff.  The nice thing is that I see overall healing in spite of a few bad days.  I attribute so much of my progress to the gentle support and inspiration I find here on this thread and the forum as a whole.

We all have to find our own way to navigate the treacherous past but we are not alone.   Heartfelt thanks to all who are here.  To quote from a favorite You Tuber, "I'm sending you all a big hug."

Wow!  As I was browsing through the forums, I saw this and knew I had to take a look.  What a useful article!

Thank you woodsgnome.  This was very timely information for me.  I have spent so much time trying to even understand what forgiveness means.  I've asked so many people what they mean by forgiveness.  I never heard anything that I could embrace or as something I could see myself achieving.  It all sounded too much like saying my pain and anguish didn't matter.

I know for certain I'm nowhere near "forgiving" my mother for all the cruelties she inflicted on me.  But I am trying to work toward managing the past and forging a stronger "me" for the future. 

Dear notalone,

Your post is so heart-warming to me.  I can tell you have been working hard to overcome and make peace with the past.  You are an inspiration to me and I am certain to many of us here.

I send you a big hug  and many thanks. 

Welcome Toya2007    

I'm so glad you found your way here.  It is a very supportive place.  I'm new here too and have found this to be a real boon to my journey.

It sounds like you have done a lot of work on healing.  I hope being on this site will enhance the process.

Please share more as you feel able.  Here is a safe and gentle welcome hug, if you feel OK with it...

I second what Three Roses says.   

I keep copies of the 13 steps (page 3 in the link to the pdf) at my home desk and in my purse.  Because I never know when I'll need the help. 

Welcome.   

My heart breaks for what your little self went through.  You didn't deserve it. 

I hope you can find comfort and amazing information here.  This is a very safe place. 

You are not alone. 

Twice my Mother has stated that she regrets one particular incident.  Only that one.  Both times this  happened I went into classic freeze mode.  Nothing but stunned silence.  In the silence she rambled a bit.  The gist of it was that she wanted to feel OK about what had happened. 

She has never expressed a single word of concern regarding how the incident affected me.

It was and always will be only about her.   

I can't imagine ever trying to get acknowledgment must less an apology for any of her vile transgressions.  She has no concept of the truth or of how others are affected by her actions.

Techu, I thought you expressed yourself beautifully.  Narcs will do anything to keep that fragile sense of their own perfection intact.

Much love to all here on the forum.  It is such a relief to find others who understand 

I know there hasn't been a post here for a while, but wanted to say a few things since this thread has been particularly important to me.

Thank you, Hope66, for being willing to share these memories.  It helps reinforce the truth that my own memories of childhood CSA are valid.  Your courage is awe inspiring.

Wife#2 – Your Mama-Bear has so much power for me.  My T has encouraged me to visualize my "safe space" and I have now been able to bring a beautiful brown grizzly into the space to help all the little Ferals that occupy this amazing place.  She will be a powerful symbol of love, protection and strength as I continue on this path to understanding.  Her beauty and strength bring tears of gratitude to my eyes.

Andyman73 – Your wisdom and kindness give me a more optimistic outlook for what is ahead.

I want to write more, but feel overwhelmed.  To everyone on this thread, I want to say thank you from the depths of my heart. 

Ecowarrior888 - you boosted my spirit with your beautiful art.  I am sending you many thanks and a safe hug, if you wish one.

Thank you to all of you for posting on this topic.  I was unaware anyone else felt this way and to now have this phenomenon explained is quite reassuring.  I'm 64 now but throughout my life have always believed my life would be cut short.  What a way to spend your childhood.   
Glad I was able to do a little planning for retirement but it was never because I thought I would make it there.  Just that it was the right thing to do for any survivors I might have!
The link to the article was so helpful.

Thank you Kizzie and notalone for the kind welcome and hugs.  I already feel considerable relief just starting the process of sending my story out to the group here.  Speaking the truth after years of silence is amazingly empowering.  Only a few people in my personal life know even a small part of the story.  To be a part of this amazing community of those who have been through similar nightmares is a real comfort.  I wish none of us had gone through it, but to have the chance to speak up and support each other fills me with hope for better days ahead.

Warm greetings to those who stop by to read this.  I am a 64 year old, female, only child raised by a divorced (never remarried, still alive, in her late 80s) mother.  I have no memory of my father.

My mother has never been diagnosed, but I believe she scores high on the narcissism and borderline personality disorder scales.  She also exhibits signs of being a psychopath.  She abused me physically, emotionally, financially and sexually.  She was cruel and violent to me. 

I remained silent in order to survive.  But I experienced horrifying flashbacks for years.

Several years ago she abruptly sold her house and moved across country to live with my husband and I.  That was when my panic attacks escalated.  Up until that time I had few memories for childhood.  Years are still missing.  But slowly Pandora's Box has opened and some memories roared out.

My mother is now in her late 80s and is showing signs of significant cognitive deterioration.  She now lives in a nice retirement apartment community which provides meals, transportation, and housekeeping. She is well off financially.  I try to only have face to face contact once a month.

She only calls when she wants something.  I gray rock her about my life and she doesn't notice. 

I'm in therapy, but every day is a struggle.  I also spend time reading various online support forums.  This site and Out of the Fog are my two favorites.  The community here seem extraordinarily compassionate and wise. 

I want to say a heartfelt thank you for letting join the forum, and also for letting me remain in the shadows for so long.  I took a lot of courage for me to post today.  I wish I could have made this briefer.  I find it difficult to stop once I start speaking the truth.  This is the sixth draft!